lilgypsy33 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I met my significant other in 2006. I was in an abusive relationship and he encouraged me to leave. I had nowehre to go and he agreed to let myself and two small children stay with him, because he had the room. (I am 31...he is 46 years old) once there, he expected me to jump into a full blown relationship with him, which I was unable to do. I didn't want my young girls thinking that the solution to life's problems were to jump men and households, so to speak. I found out that I had gotten pregnant. my SO was not supportive of much; I left to live at my father's house. I went through the pregnancy alone, without help from him, although it was invited. The only thing he seemed to look forward to was being there for the delivery. A few weeks before I had the baby, I found out that he had gotten involved with a woman a couple of weeks after I left his home; she was due one month after myself (With a different man's baby). I phoned him after I gave birth and he came for half an hour to take pictures. It took me six months to be able to provide for my family financially and he didn't help at all. When the baby was six months old (last October), he wanted to work things out with me. I said not while he was with this woman. The next day he called and told me that he ended it with her. I decided to see if we could make it work. He seemed very sweet and sincere in wanting to do the best to make this family work out... On December 21, we agreed to get married and I moved in with him over Easter.... Three weeks ago, I found out that he stayed with the girl until Mid-january and slept with us both...more though, he played family with us both. (Four months he carried it on with us both). I also found out that he was mad I left him in 2006 pregnant and told the small community that we lived in that he kicked me out because I was completely nuts...There are numerous other lies in there as well, that have destroyed my character in this community. He thinks and firmly believes that I should suck it up and forgive him, yet I can hardly stand to look at him right now, without wanting to be sick. He went to counselling last week (I refused to attend).. he came back and said that the counsellor told him to not even try to have sex with me right now because it would be an insensitve and ******* thing to do..... He has tried several times and doesn't understand why I see the big deal in what he has done, because "It's in the past"...."Don't worry, it's you I want..I picked you"... "I promise that, from now on, I will treat you better"..yet, every few days, more of the actual truth trickles out and knocks me down even further; it is like a neverending nightmare of deception. I feel as though my whole world has been ripped apart. I have problems making friends because---thanks to him---I am seen as a nutjob...his friends think i broke up him and the other girl, so they avoid me....He proposed marriage and then was with her less than a week later... he's in my space, trying to bully my forgiveness. He tries to be sweet, thoughtful... Honestly, I would like to smash his face in. When I came to this community, we had agreed that i would be a stay at home parent. it isn't like I have the means to leave. We aren't married yet, so there is no division of property---I would be out with nothing...and a couple of children to take care of.. ANY advice would be very much appreciated..i feel like my head is going to explode.....
jwi71 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I met my significant other in 2006. I was in an abusive relationship and he encouraged me to leave. I had nowehre to go and he agreed to let myself and two small children stay with him, because he had the room. (I am 31...he is 46 years old) once there, he expected me to jump into a full blown relationship with him, which I was unable to do. I didn't want my young girls thinking that the solution to life's problems were to jump men and households, so to speak. I found out that I had gotten pregnant. my SO was not supportive of much; I left to live at my father's house. I went through the pregnancy alone, without help from him, although it was invited. The only thing he seemed to look forward to was being there for the delivery. A few weeks before I had the baby, I found out that he had gotten involved with a woman a couple of weeks after I left his home; she was due one month after myself (With a different man's baby). I phoned him after I gave birth and he came for half an hour to take pictures. It took me six months to be able to provide for my family financially and he didn't help at all. When the baby was six months old (last October), he wanted to work things out with me. I said not while he was with this woman. The next day he called and told me that he ended it with her. I decided to see if we could make it work. He seemed very sweet and sincere in wanting to do the best to make this family work out... On December 21, we agreed to get married and I moved in with him over Easter.... Three weeks ago, I found out that he stayed with the girl until Mid-january and slept with us both...more though, he played family with us both. (Four months he carried it on with us both). I also found out that he was mad I left him in 2006 pregnant and told the small community that we lived in that he kicked me out because I was completely nuts...There are numerous other lies in there as well, that have destroyed my character in this community. He thinks and firmly believes that I should suck it up and forgive him, yet I can hardly stand to look at him right now, without wanting to be sick. He went to counselling last week (I refused to attend).. he came back and said that the counsellor told him to not even try to have sex with me right now because it would be an insensitve and ******* thing to do..... He has tried several times and doesn't understand why I see the big deal in what he has done, because "It's in the past"...."Don't worry, it's you I want..I picked you"... "I promise that, from now on, I will treat you better"..yet, every few days, more of the actual truth trickles out and knocks me down even further; it is like a neverending nightmare of deception. I feel as though my whole world has been ripped apart. I have problems making friends because---thanks to him---I am seen as a nutjob...his friends think i broke up him and the other girl, so they avoid me....He proposed marriage and then was with her less than a week later... he's in my space, trying to bully my forgiveness. He tries to be sweet, thoughtful... Honestly, I would like to smash his face in. When I came to this community, we had agreed that i would be a stay at home parent. it isn't like I have the means to leave. We aren't married yet, so there is no division of property---I would be out with nothing...and a couple of children to take care of.. ANY advice would be very much appreciated..i feel like my head is going to explode..... Can you return and stay with family? Can you approach your local church for shelter? Are there community shelters you can get in? This man, and I use the term loosely, is an abuser on many levels. This will not change. He keeps you trapped at home (no job, isolated, controlled) to suit himself...he has a maid, a cook and a sex toy. You, like most posters here, deserve better. The first step to change is wanting it. And this includes overcoming the fear of change and "the hopelessness" of being trapped. You are not trapped. You can get out...its hard, long and painful. You will emerge with more scars. But do not let that dissuade you from going - staying is far worse. To stay is teach your children to be like him. That is what they wil learn. And they deserve better. If he is physically abusive call the police. The emotional abuse is bad enough - sadly LE rarely acts on such. I honestly can see no other option than to leave. Can you rejoin the workforce? If needs be income, then get out and support yourself to facilitate leaving.
GreenX Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I have to agree. Try to reach out to any family you have and RUN! This guy is nothing but trouble. You do not want to raise your kids in that sort of environment. If no family are available then try to seek other options, i.e., shelter/church. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Things can and will get better if you take the right steps and leave. G'luck to you. *hugs*
Author lilgypsy33 Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 There is nowhere to run in the community and, although my family helped last time, they won't this time. Until I get it together I am kind of stuck. I've been looking for work and I did find childcare for my oldest; my youngest is under two and all spots are full... I'm going on a prayer that someone will hire me AND let me bring her to work. I do know that this is trouble; I guess I needed reassurance that it was as troubling as I thought it was. Any advice on how to cope with having to be around him for awhile??? Thank you, for being out there!
signedin2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 You keep referring to this "community." What type of community is it? A Christian community, black community, business community? What's your education or job experience?
jwi71 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 There is nowhere to run in the community and, although my family helped last time, they won't this time. Until I get it together I am kind of stuck. I've been looking for work and I did find childcare for my oldest; my youngest is under two and all spots are full... I'm going on a prayer that someone will hire me AND let me bring her to work. I do know that this is trouble; I guess I needed reassurance that it was as troubling as I thought it was. Any advice on how to cope with having to be around him for awhile??? Thank you, for being out there! Then it is time to leave that community. If friends and family are unable to help and there are no jobs - there are no ties that bind. Find another town. Contact your local church and ask them for assistance. Contact your community government. If you are in the US, contact the State for guidance. If you must, call the police non-emergency line (unless you need 911 of course) and ask them. There are 1000's of programs running in the US alone precisely for this. Battered women's shelter, family shelters, job training and even subsidized daycare. But you must make that choice. Again, I knew you feel trapped. But you aren't - it only feels that way. Posting here is a good first step. But there is precious little we can actually do. You must act. And should you do so, I believe you will find escape much easier than you now think.
GreenX Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Then it is time to leave that community. If friends and family are unable to help and there are no jobs - there are no ties that bind. Find another town. Contact your local church and ask them for assistance. Contact your community government. If you are in the US, contact the State for guidance. If you must, call the police non-emergency line (unless you need 911 of course) and ask them. There are 1000's of programs running in the US alone precisely for this. Battered women's shelter, family shelters, job training and even subsidized daycare. But you must make that choice. Again, I knew you feel trapped. But you aren't - it only feels that way. Posting here is a good first step. But there is precious little we can actually do. You must act. And should you do so, I believe you will find escape much easier than you now think. Ditto everything said here. There ARE options if family are not available. You need to ask around - take a trip to the police department and ask someone there, they'll definitely point you in the right direction. It is ashame that your family won't help you this time. Do they know 'everything' that is going on or are there things that you have covered up in fear of embarrassment? If so, do not feel ashamed.. tell them everything. If they don't know the entire story they won't understand how serious this is. *hugs*
Author lilgypsy33 Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Sorry, I should clarify what I mean when I mention our community. It's a small community. He's been here for a very long time and works part time at the police station . I took advice from the board and have called a shelter, in the closest city. Normally they don't take women from out of town, but she is going to talk to the executive director to see if they can make an exception and she will call me back. I have a strong background for employmentdoing outreach and harm reduction... in the city, i should have an easier time finding something in my field. Hopefully, there are more options for childcare as well. Thanks again for the support; I appreciate it to no end!
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