nocleverusername Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Hmm, first post, may as well just get this out. I'm 31, hubby is 44, 4 kids, married 12 yrs & never had what either of us would call a fight in all that time. We've been going through some cleaning up the credit financial crap, he has good job but it's stressful, lots of hours, office politics. So he's stressed between $ & work, he pulled something in his back a couple wks ago, it's healing but that's adding to the rest of this. He keeps offering to help people out, he's working on someone's car at night after working all day, he just told me he offered to help someone move this weekend. WTF?! I thought your back was hurting? I thought you were popping vicodin for it since it was so bad? So the back is okay to do car repair for coworkers & help them move yet he won't sleep with me. That's the question here. No physical contact at all, no hug, no sex, no sleeping in the same room, he's hiding in the basement. Pretty much zip on the emotional contact too, no how was your day, no love you at the end of a call, takes 2 hrs to return a text when he used to bug me 20x a day with the stupid texting. We've never had a problem with our sex life, it was way healthier than most. I know it's not a matter of not finding me attractive or not getting it up. I don't think he's abusing the vicodin & the no sex started before he got the pills. He's not cheating or thinking about it, he's too busy with everything else to have time, haha. He just came off a week of not really talking to me, I'm kind of making a nuisance of myself asking 9 million car repair questions I don't give a rat's ass about hoping he'll just say whatever the heck is going on here, instead I now know how to change a clutch, in detail & which tools to hand him. I'm frustrated & ready to just take a walk. Is this just him being stressed & not in the mood? How can I get him in the mood? Cuz offering him a nice dinner, a beer, glass of scotch, sexy jammies, asking him straight out if he's coming to bed, it isn't working. Hell I even had him burn me a porn dvd the other night (snort, seriously and he did it). I'm about to go out of my mind and he's not oblivious, he's just ignoring me. Short of a frying pan to the back of the head I could use some help. And if this doesn't resolve in the very near future would this be a dealbreaker in your marriage? Total lack of contact? I'm not sticking around for the rest of my life to not get laid. He knows I'm hacked but when I ask him straight out if he's coming to bed he moans about his back or changes the subject. It's been 6 or 7 wks and a good month of the no real communication from him. We're both educated, intelligent people. Isn't it usually the guy whining that the wife won't put out? Argh!!! I'm ready to just pick a tv sitcom kind of fight & yell, throw the dishes and act like a 5 yr old. It's supposed to be a stress reliever, we could both use that yesterday. I love him but I really don't like him right now. The kids are picking up on all this too. Help?
Curmudgeon Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 My first question would be, who are these "people" he's helping and what's their gender. My next would be, when was the last time he had a physical because there may be some issue or dysfunction he's worried or embarassed about and if so, that needs to be resolved. Either he's been fishing in someone else's pond and is concerned that he might have (or knows he has) an STD or he's not *up to par* and doesn't want you to know it. A deal-breaker? Hardly! More like something a truly loving and concerned wife needs to find out for sure before making any rash and lasting decisions. Try having a real conversation, not a confrontation, about it. Have you simply asked outright?
Author nocleverusername Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 My first question would be, who are these "people" he's helping and what's their gender. My next would be, when was the last time he had a physical because there may be some issue or dysfunction he's worried or embarassed about and if so, that needs to be resolved. Either he's been fishing in someone else's pond and is concerned that he might have (or knows he has) an STD or he's not *up to par* and doesn't want you to know it. A deal-breaker? Hardly! More like something a truly loving and concerned wife needs to find out for sure before making any rash and lasting decisions. Try having a real conversation, not a confrontation, about it. Have you simply asked outright? I tried to add a little more maybe relevant info but it wouldn't let me edit. 1. gender--males, coworkers, not real friends, I mean I'd understand if it was his mother needing help but come on, I do have jealousy issues here, he's got plenty of time to spend with them and none for me & our kids 2. physical--yes recently enough & all parts are in working order (short of the strained back) & he has told me in the past if something wasn't right or 'up to par' 3. hasn't been fishing, thinking about it or ever done it & I know they say the wife's always the last to know but I do know (I started to go on here but it gets kinda political/religious, suffice to say 100% no chance of STD's or cheating) I'm really not a shrew, it's been a very long day. I've been trying to have a real conversation with him, he's unresponsive unless it's talking about tv, cars or what's for dinner. I don't have any family or people I feel comfortable asking this stuff IRL which is why I'm here & the male point of view especially. If I had a babysitter I'd be looking for a therapist. Thank you for replying, I'm wound up right now but I'm sure reading here tomorrow with a fresh mind will help me get my head on straight.
signedin2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 How do you know for sure he is actually spending time with these male friends as he claimed he was spending time with? How are you so sure there is no affair? How do you know for sure that he is not hooking up with some office slut? "I am sure" is not good enough as you can see around here, that's the answer that a betrayed spouse would say up to the second they find out about the affair.
quankanne Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 1. frying pan is good, but you really don't want to hurt him – just get his attention, you know? a4a keeps talking about sticking a fork into the tater she's married to, and I think she might be on to something :laugh: 2. "I'm ready to just pick a tv sitcom kind of fight & yell, throw the dishes and act like a 5 yr old" also sounds good. As bad as it is, sometimes drama when you normally don't *do* drama might put the thought in the head that something's seriously wrong. But you can't over use something like that, it almost has to be a stealth thing. I know, bad advice. We can, however, fantasize about that kind of behavior! 3. "Is this just him being stressed & not in the mood? How can I get him in the mood?" I think you've hit the nail on the head, NC – stress can affect some people hard, in that they just shut down rather than talk about or face it. Maybe it's time to bring up in conversation that you miss him. That even though you realize he's going through some shxt with work and with the hurting back, you still miss the intimate moments (not talking about sex, mind you) with him. chronic pain (in this case, semi-chronic since the back injury is on again, off again?) can create a kind of natural depression because the body is focusing on healing itself, and that plus good drugs like viocodin pretty much can kill off someone's sex drive. And performance anxiety might be floating around there in the back of his head even though he hasn't vocalized it. that's why it's important to stress the difference between intimacy and sexual relations when you talk with him, so that he doesn't further get his mind spinning about loss of libido or performance anxiety.
Curmudgeon Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I think you'll be just fine. I also think your head is straight but your imagination may be taking on a bit of a life on its own with the "what ifs." It actually sounds to me as if there could be at least two factors at play here. One has to do with self-esteem (If I don't help them they won't like or value me) and the other has to do with pride (I'm exhausted and just not *up* to it but I can't admit it). I certainly didn't see you as a shrew and I think the two of you will weather this storm and be just fine in the end. Also, I don't know your ages (far lower than mine) and perhaps he's feeling a bit overwhelmed with his family responsibilities -- something I can identify with from times past. Ask him! Of course, the possibility exists that I'm completely wrong on all counts!
2sunny Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 i think some good, honest communication is in order for the two of you. the obvious things need addressing. these red flags spell serious issues that need fixing: his pulling away emotionally from you his lack of participation/time with the family his lack of verbal communication no affection sleeping without you vicodin use could also be a big concern for a variety of reasons he may or may not actually be spending that time helping the coworkers out - but why would he if his back hurts... that doesn't make any sense. it's going to be up to you to get to the bottom of the truth - because all of these things spell real trouble. find the truth - then we can help with what the truth is...
2sunny Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 drop in unannounced at his job, check the computer - his email - his im acct, check his cell phone - especially his call logs and texting.
Author nocleverusername Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 After a couple hrs of reading the forums here this morning part of me wishes I hadn't yet posted and the other part is glad you got the raw, whacked out intro/plea for help, my emotional baggage shines through I have some house things I have to do this morning but we did talk a bit last night, I'll update later. Thank you all very much for the smack I needed to kick off some preventative maintenance before I did something rash. I'm glad I found this board.
Angel1111 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I'm not totally buying the 100% sure thing either. People are never too busy to have an affair, so don't kid yourself. It seems to me that for the most part, the two of you have a healthy relationship except that I think the reason you never argue is partly because you don't really talk. Instead of dropping all these hints - like, 'are you coming to bed?' - just ask him directly what's going on, and let him know how his behavior is making you feel. If he avoids that, then you've got a real problem. You said you and he talked a bit last night - not sure what 'a bit' means but I hope it went well. And, yes, if that stuff went on long-term and he simply wasn't responsive to discussion, then it would be a deal breaker. But I think you've got too many variables here to draw any real conclusions right now.
2sure Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Often the responses here, to any question regarding problems in a marriage are :1. Affair 2. Divorce. But just for conversation, maybe an affair is not happening or looming. He is 44. I've said it before and I'll say it again: MID-LIFE CRISIS. I know thats an umbrella term and identifying it doesnt solve the problem...but it can explain some behavior that maybe even he couldnt put his finger on (if he was talking). This guy needs/wants BIG change. This is a time in a persons life where they can make BIG mistakes. Like an Affair, a Red Corvette, or any number of crazy things that most will come to regret - often after the damage has been done. How to offer change without damage? This, I don't know.
Author nocleverusername Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 I'm not totally buying the 100% sure thing either. People are never too busy to have an affair, so don't kid yourself. It seems to me that for the most part, the two of you have a healthy relationship except that I think the reason you never argue is partly because you don't really talk. Instead of dropping all these hints - like, 'are you coming to bed?' - just ask him directly what's going on, and let him know how his behavior is making you feel. If he avoids that, then you've got a real problem. You said you and he talked a bit last night - not sure what 'a bit' means but I hope it went well. And, yes, if that stuff went on long-term and he simply wasn't responsive to discussion, then it would be a deal breaker. But I think you've got too many variables here to draw any real conclusions right now. Bingo in bold. And when I did flat out ask him if he was ever going to sleep with me again last week I was a chicken **** & did it via text which he didn't reply to and I don't blame him, I'm acting like a child, especially the way I phrased what I asked, ugh. Open mouth, insert foot, chew vigorously. Last night I went down to the basement & asked if he needed a last cup of coffee, a snack or anything. He said no, he was just tired, between the car, paperwork & a work call he'd just resolved his mind was spinning but he was exhausted. I glanced over at the news he had on the tv and not 30 seconds later he was asleep, sitting up on the couch, quite obviously not faking. He is exhausted & I'm not helping, I mean I'm trying to make sure he eats & not junk food, taking his vitamins, drinking enough water. He just needs a couple hrs without pressure from me too when he's got it from every other direction and some quality sleep. This other crap isn't permanent, he'll finish current projects & hopefully there's a break before more hits. A Saturday helping someone move, ok, at least he won't have me or the kids bugging him or work calling or a car to fix, might actually be a break for him (oh and I asked, concerned, about his ability to help he said he's supplying the pickup truck, not moving their fridge or anything stupid and we've moved enough times I'm sure he can help with the gameplan, how to stack xyz boxes and not kill anyone). So I'm back this afternoon armed with copies of The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands and Marriage from the library (I'm always up for a verbal bashing from Dr Laura but haven't heard her radio show for years). He's working from home today & I'm being a dutiful assistant but not a pain in his ass. I'm not making excuses for him or 'blind to what he's really doing when I'm not around' (sarcasm if you missed it), it IS me and I need to back off and stop stressing (add adding to his stress) that I'm horny and selfish. Great, I had more and a point but I have a child here crying that her nose is stuffy & deleted it. Oh, I met him at the tail end of his midlife crisis, hopefully this isn't another one rolling around, lol...maybe it's my turn for one of those? Will. not. turn. into. my. mother. is my mantra, I think it'll be ok.
2sure Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Nocleverusername , You ARE a clever woman, I can tell. Like raising kids, or any challenge, you just try different things until something works. I am more like my mother all the time...I tell my daughter I hope she has more resolve not to do this than I apparently have.
Author nocleverusername Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Thank you. I feel like I've discovered something new & wonderful. The last 24 hrs I've done some real soul searching & made a couple tiny moves forward, out of my comfort zone & it feels good. I thought I was this tough girl but I'm not, in my home I'm a timid woman afraid to try new things, afraid I'll get hurt or be rejected. I told him this morning I love him and appreciate all he does for me and our family. Why was that totally oblivious to me, that I should tell him & more importantly show him everyday? I seriously need a smack with the clue-x-4, often! I'm trying to show him now by doing my job. He works 12 hrs a day, my job while he's gone is to clean the house and care for our children. Not just feed them & do their laundry but to raise them, involve them, teach them, not cohabitat. Last night they all helped cook dinner, it was the most pleasant evening I've spent with my kids in a long time. We have 4 girls, trust me the hormones are raging & it's insanity a LOT. I'm so proud of them and that they've seen past mommy's garbage what's right and wrong & they're smart, kind, well adjusted girls & young women. I could babble on all day about how blessed I am to have my family and thankful I woke up before I blew everything up but I came here with another question. I'm not sure where the line is between giving him enough space to chill/unwind/relax and "praising & pampering him like he deserves?" I mean there's not just an on/off switch here. And that sounds stupid the way I said it. Giving attention/affection without a** kissing or asking him like clockwork every hour "can I refill your coffee, get you a snack," whatever. That would annoy the hell out of me & I'm sure it does him when I do it. But not asking him what I can do for him or just doing what needs to be done without consultation, I mean there's a point where I'm not spending any time with him & I feel like I'm neglectful. Or maybe I'm rushing things and this comes with time... I'm not sure what the role of wife is. I mean I was girlfriend for about 5 minutes, then I was mother. This is new territory. It took me all day to get into the site and post (was it down or just me?), since then we've texted back and forth about 20x this afternoon, it went well, I'm getting nervous about him coming home in the next 2 hrs and I might screw something up
Curmudgeon Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I'm not sure what the role of wife is. I mean I was girlfriend for about 5 minutes, then I was mother. This is new territory. It took me all day to get into the site and post (was it down or just me?), since then we've texted back and forth about 20x this afternoon, it went well, I'm getting nervous about him coming home in the next 2 hrs and I might screw something up It wasn't just you. It was down for everyone. The role of wife, when you have children, is a comfortable, for both, combination of girlfriend and mother. It's the emphasis that counts -- being the caregiver and nurturer for the family and the temptress and tiger for him when the time is right.
Walk Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Not sure if this would help in your situation, but I know in mine sometimes it's more meaningful to my H if I verbalize my understanding of how he's feeling (tired, stressed, etc) and let him know that I want to help, I want to be there for him, I want to make his life easier. And I let him know that I would like it if he would tell me if he needs anything. More like a gentle reminder that it's okay for him to lean on me in tough times, and I want to help. Other times, I'll just text message, or leave a note letting him know how much I appreciate who he is. Things I fell in love with in the first place. Like how he's always willing to help family out. Or go the extra mile at work. That stuff sometimes bugs the crap out of me, but ultimately it's who he is, and it's who I fell in love with. Expressing my appreciation for the characteristics that I admire in him helps me to put difficult situations in a more positive light. And ultimately, it makes him feel appreciated and he ends up wanting to spend more time with me, and it deepens our connection to each other.
2sure Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 The line is blurred, I agree. I love taking care of my family - I am nurturing and so I nurture. But I work as hard as my H does, and sometimes I feel like I'm either not getting any of it right/doing enough OR that I'm being a servant/doormat. He seems to appreciate the pampering if I have time and also to not feel neglected if I dont. Most of the issue with the blurred line seems to be more my own problem.
Recommended Posts