jj33 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 <p>I don't have too much background on this but MWC - have you seen a lawyer? A family law attorney isn't just for marriages in divorce - they handle support and visitation issues as well.</p> <p> </p> <p>If money is an issue, ask for pro bono work. Approach the local courts and ask them for guidance. I would be shocked if they didn't know of or even offer free legal counsel. Go to your local church...local government...local bar chapter to find the help you need. </p> <p> </p> <p>You must protect yourself, your children and your rights. If you do not have an order of child support - get one. When he violates...you violate him. In my state, they have some nasty "gotchas" for parents who lapse in their payments.</p> <p> </p> <p>As far as I can tell, you have two children and he has no obligations what-so-ever. I'm not talking moral ones here...legal ones.</p> <p> </p> JWC I think you are missing the point. Without a court order she doesnt have to let him in her house. he has no right to come and go as he pleases. She wants him to want to be a father to the kids and is allowing him to run the show any old way he pleases. his W doesnt know so... WHY should she get a lawyer to set out rights he doesnt want to have or may not be able to exercise because his W doesnt want him to have anything to do with the children... Lets get serious here. MWC you can get all the court orders you want and stand on your head making him welcome but it doesnt change the fact that he and his W need to be in this together wanting him the right to spend time with your children or ir it never ever ever going to work. And there is nothing you can do to change that. So until he and his W come to some agreement on this take your childrne out of the line of fire. You owe that to them and to yourself. Edited to add: I dont mean to sound harsh I am sure this is incredibly painful for you. But you have to put your expectations and hopes for him aside and look at this very objectively. You are doing everything you can to encourage him to be in their life. But he is stil married to someone who doesnt want to play. And that is fatal to your plan. Big hugs
jj33 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 And one more thing - while getting support and medical insurance etc from him do you have a social services worker or community lawyer or someone who is helping you? If so you may want to ask them how to go about this. Most bar associations do have pro bono family lawyers available. As I said I would strongly advise against going to court for a visitation schedule unless he and his wife join in with you. But it may be helpful to speak to someone to find out exactly what the options are in your home state and find out more about how these things can be handled. My strong suspicion is they will say you can require him to pay child support etc but as for the rest you cant require him to do anything and if you want to let him come and go that is up to you otherwise let him petition for visitation. You know he is not going to do that. His W will hit the roof.
jwi71 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 WHY should she get a lawyer to set out rights he doesnt want to have or may not be able to exercise because his W doesnt want him to have anything to do with the children... You're right. It sucks. However...he does have rights to see his children. Want them or not doesn't matter. All he has to do is file a suit claiming MWC is denying him access to his children. Now MWC is on the defensive. From what I gather...he is nasty enough to do it. The law isn't about who is right - its about winning and proof. The law isn't about what you do or do not do - its about what you can prove. How can she prove he doesn't want them? What supportable arguements can she make to convince a judge he has willifully terminated his parental duties? In fact, if he is meeting her and the kids...then he has demonstrated a will to be a father. I know its BS, you know it jj, MWC knows it too. But the court does not. And right now, MWC has no proof in the eyes of the law. Its "he said" versus "she said". With no proof that he doesn't "want" rights...he has them. And in this, she needs a lawyer whose only goal is to protect her. To secure child support. To protect her family. Look, the guy sounds like a real SoB. I simply want MWC to think legalistically. What has she done in the eye of the law to 1)secure her rights as a parent and 2)child support? It sounds like nothing. And that leaves her horribly exposed.
jj33 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I agree with you jw and I agree she should see a lawyer pro bono if possible. I am not a family lawyer but I dont think she has to go to the point of paying to give him the right to see his children if he is not participating in the process. But I dont know she should see a lawyer and see what the rules are. You are absolutely right about that.
noreply110 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 You're right. It sucks. However...he does have rights to see his children. Want them or not doesn't matter. All he has to do is file a suit claiming MWC is denying him access to his children. Now MWC is on the defensive. From what I gather...he is nasty enough to do it. The law isn't about who is right - its about winning and proof. The law isn't about what you do or do not do - its about what you can prove. How can she prove he doesn't want them? That's exactly my point. MWC, you obviously love your children very much. The point of going to court is NOT to pay to allow MM to see the kids. Its to get a legal agreement set and agreed to by a judge for the safety of MWC and her children. With an agreement set, if he doesn't show up for visitation, if he doesn't fullfill any sort of support obligation, the courts will recgonize it. Because one day, the W is going to wake up and decide that they should have the kids half time. And then what? It will also make it a thousand times easier for MWC to move on with her life. Having a plan makes one more settled. An agreed on plan through the courts is as set in stone as you can get. Then the ball is totally in his court as to the relationship with his children, and as they get older, they will get that. The W will decide to do something. She will either leave him or force him to fight for custody. Get ready for that. Prepare for the worst while making a stable life for your children. These random visits are hard on them, and they are hard on you! You have a family to continue to take care of, and I wish you the very best.
Author mistresswchildren Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 This is largely about control for me. I allow him this chance because the power still lies within my hands. By allowing it, and encouraging it, I do not have to be surprised in five years when he shows up and tells me that he wants to see the kids. I get to know up front that he either does, or doesn't. This is also going to help me prove whether or not he wants the kids. When the court sees that I gave him every opportunity to be their father, and that I NEVER took the kids away from him, they will see that he is the the one that failed to take part in their lives. It was not my fault, and it was not my choice. By doing everything in my power right now to get him to see them, I (hopefully) do not have to deal with either the element of surprise in a few years, or the idea that he may try to go for joint custody. That will never happen, and as long as I keep handling this as a "reasonable" person, he will not have a leg to stand on in court. I have spoken to a number of lawyers. Until very recently, there was nothing that the lawyers could do because of his deployment in the military. We had a signed agreement as of November of last year, and he was not holding up his end while he was in Iraq. There is NOTHING that any one can do to a soldier in Iraq to get at them from a legal standpoint. Nothing was taken care of until recently. He realized that the second he came home I was going to bring him back to court, so he hurried up and took care of the child support, the insurance, and the life insurance policy. He just doesn't want to go back to court. I would be willing to set a schedule up through the court system if he were, but I'm not sure he is. I think that right now he is just telling me what I want to hear because he knows he can manipulate me. He doesn't want to have set visitation because the odds are that he will not make it to those visitations. He is just that way, and now, it is no longer ok. As an adult who made bad choices, I can handle his crap, but my children shouldn't be subject to it. I opened the door for the right reasons, and now he is the one that will slam it shut and I will be there to lock it from the other side.
jj33 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Good for you and excuse me for not giving you credit for having done that already. What do the lawyers advise about visitation? Can you go to court and ask for a schedule as he is asking for time with them? So what if he doesnt respond or his W forbids him from responding.. You have at least done your part. If he cant participate your job there is done and he will have little recourse when he "changes his mind" in 3, 4, or 10 years... or so I would think.
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