nboy Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Hello everyone! I'm actually new on this website. Never done that before. So I'm just gonna tell you about what happened to me in a few words (I'll try to make it as short as possible ) and I really thank you for you advices. So, here it is. I'm 22, and I met a girl (she was in a 3 year relationship when we started to get attracted to each others). Months after months we got closer, and we finally went out with each other. She dumped her ex-boyfriend, and was complety into our relationship. Actually, I've never have such a simple minded relationship. It went that way for about 2 months, and then she had to go back to her country for the summer break. Before she left my country she told me that she loved me... And we've been dealing really well our long distance relationship during 2 month 1/2. Calls everyday, sweet words, and thoughts... But on the other hand, I know her ex-boyfriend did not stop on bothering her (which I can understand his pain...), and when she came back to my town, she was all different. And finally told me that she wasn't ready yet to have a relationship, that she did not feel 100% ready to be with me, because she didn't have the time to definitely get over her ex... So yeah, I got dumped for no real reasons (at least that the way I feel. Kinda feel confused...). I know she did not meet anyone else, that she won't get back with her ex and I know she cares about me. But telling myself that the girl I love, dumped me for no reasons, and just wiped off all her feelings towards me is pretty hard.. We used to be close and honest toward each others, and now I don't know what she feels. She even get upset when I tried to understand her, telling me that she was lost, and couldn't do that now. So yeah I tried the No Contact method, but I ain't really good at it.. And when I started to do that she contacted me back. But it doesn't change anything, and I don't want her to contact me because she feels sry for me. I know she needs her own time, and needs to think about her. So what do you think about that? I know, that's probably such a commun subject, so I hope you won't get bored of advising me lol. Cause my mood is going so much like a yoyo. One day I'm good, the really next day I'm stuck with thoughts and memories. I don't think I've ever done anything wrong towards her. Never been an *******, never kept her from seeing her friends, or anything like that. Thx a lot. And if I can help anyone, I'll be glad.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 You're in kind of a rough situation, it sounds like. My guess is, your ex was in a long term relationship with the man before you. Its very possible she had her doubts about the relationship, but still loved the man, and wanted to see if she could work beyond her doubts. Then she met you, and realised she had found something new and exciting, you and her had a clean slate to build on, whereas her and her man at the time were trying and trying to patch their relationship. So naturally, it was easy for her to move on to you. The problem with this is, as she has told you, she never really allowed herself time to get over her ex. Even if they were not meant to be together, and a breakup was inevitable, she never took time to be single, to spend some time outside of a relationship, and to grow from what she had with this man, even if it was not satisfactory. You and her were probably great for eachother - but instead of waiting a while, giving her space to figure things out, you both wanted eachother right away, which unfortunately, meant losing eachother in the end. I think the best thing you can do right now is give her space, maybe she'll come aruond. Sadly though, I am guessing you had her shot with her, and its gone now. Take this as a lesson in the future: don't get involved with woman who are involved. If you do, and this happens again, tell the girl you are interested in to break up with her man for HERSELF, not to persue a relationship with you. Its only when she can be her own person, and learn to appreciate the good and bad or her old relationship, that she can move happily onto you and be commited entirely. Good things come to those who wait. By rushing into something new, she never allowed herself to really like, appreciate you for YOU, instead, I think, you became her escape from the lonliness she'd feel is she just dumped her ex and flew solo for a bit... I dunno, this is getting long, so I'll stop now! Best thing to do is just give her space. Maybe once she heals from her old relationship, she'll come back to you. In the meantime, you should enjoy being single - you may find a new girl, one who isnt emotionally tied to an ex.
Author nboy Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 Thx for your advices tokyovogue. I know you're right, and even if it's hard to hear, that's what I'm gonna do for now. I don't quite have an other choice but to give her some space. But still... we used to be very close, and yeah, I guess I probably was her "escape". Does that mean, that everytime she sees me or talk to me I represent that to her? She has always been honest towards me, and I know she told me that for her, it was like "Love at 1rst sight", that in her 3 years relationship she never felt attracted to anyone before. And trust me, there has been a loots of guys around her. And I actually gave her some space, and didn't talk to her last week. She made contact with me, and even came by my place, to pick some stuff she didn't need right away. I didn't act sad or anything, I just told her I missed her, when she was about to leave, and she whispered a shy "me too". Probably that was an automatic response for what i know lol. How am I supposed to handle that? It's already hard to give her the space she needs, but when she contact me back but tells me, she can't be with me, that hurt even more. I never rushed anything in our relationship, cause I went through almost the same story once, and it scewed up bad too. My ex was always the one taking a step forward, by telling me she loved me, by telling me that she hoped it was the beginning of a great story, that she wanted me to meet her friends... And now in just 3 weeks I became more like a shadow to her, than the guy who made her heart beat faster. That's pretty ****ed up. I didn't know it was so easy to wipe off your feelings, and forget the moments you had with someone...
lofi_tokyo Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 That's pretty ****ed up. I didn't know it was so easy to wipe off your feelings, and forget the moments you had with someone... She dated the guy before you for three years then walked away! Clearly, she has the capability to walk out of things. She may miss you a bit, but she probably misses that other man too - they were a part of eachothers lives for a very long time. Why did she say all things to you? She meant it - then. At a time where she was in a 3 year relationship that was in a rut. When she no longer felt that honeymoon magic anymore. Yeah, maybe a lot of guys came her way while she was with that man, and you were the one that finally caused her to step out of what she had with him, but... it may very well be, that at the time you and her started talking more often, she was going through an especially vulnerable time with her man at the time. So naturally, things grew between you and her, and before she new it, she was feeling sparks, ones you only really get at the start of a new relationship - that fun in discovering things! Sadly, for you, and I'm just trying to be honest here... When you are a single woman, you're in power - men can come your way, and its up to you to choose if they are worth your time or not. When you find that special man, its because he stood out above all others, in one way or another. When you are a taken woman, you can't be choosy with guys coming at you - because youre TAKEN! She probably had a wall up when all those other guys came to her, because she loved her man, or thought she did. Then, for whatever reason, at some point, that wall wasnt up, and someone snuck in. YOU! There was no choosing here, it was purely timing. But it still kind of looks like a choice, so she allowed herself to fall for you, without really being able to... have a more objective view that a single person has. When I was dating my ex, there was a small period in our 2.5 yr relationship when him and I were in a rut. I had, at that point, had many decent, wonderful men come my way, but loved my ex. Then, while in this rut, I met a guy who had a kid, he was 30, (I'm 19), his exwife was a stripper. I fell for him! I did not end up leaving my ex, no way, but I had an INSANE crush on this man! Why? Because my wall was dropped for a moment, and at the first sight of someone to make me feel good, I took it. I think, though I am not sure, this is what may have happened with your ex. I'm sorry if this hurts. Maybe her old man was not the man for her - probably wasnt, since she left him. Their relationship is over now, not meant to be. BUT, she found you while dating him. Her judgement was not clear, she did not really choose you out of a pool of tons of guys, because she was not single. She chose you most likely because you came around at the right time. This is not always the case in these situations, but since she left you after a very short period, I suspect it is the case in your situation. She used you to feel comfortable while she walked out on a 3 year relationship - thats hard to do, even if you don't love the person anymore, you get used to the routine of being with them. You eased her loneliness. Thats probably about it. I'm telling you this, because I'm trying to help you understand how your current situation came to be. It's time to move on. I am so sorry you are hurting, and I honestly do not blame you for falling for her. That is not your fault one bit, its hard to stop feeling for someone you think is amazing, even if they are involved with another person, even if your judgment may tell you otherwise. Just... go no contact on her, and being to heal, find a cute single girl! If she gets her mind in the right place, and really believes that her feelings for you were genuine, she misses your company and wants a relationship, she will do whatever it takes to get you back. Until that day, move on and get over her.
SushiX Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Sounds like you were just a rebound? Anyways, girls are always lost. What else is new. Maybe she's considering giving her ex another chance since he kepts calling her and they have been together 3 yrs. There's nothing you can do now but go out and meet new people. It's too painful to wait.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 There's nothing you can do now but go out and meet new people. It's too painful to wait. Exactly - what I should have said instead of all my long posts. ;p
Author nboy Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 Yeah... I guess. At least I know you guys are right. But thanks for the long sentences tokyovogue, I actually needed to hear it clearly and well explained. Just I know it so much ain't gonna be easy. But I'll do so. Just one more question. What if she comes to me? What should I do. Act like I moved on, like I don't care? Thanks Ps: Looks like you got through pretty hard time sushix. Hang on man. I so much hate that part in a relationship...and even more when I'm on the dumped side. Take care. If any of you guys wanna talk outside the forum (don't know if that happens often around here) just let me know.
Al_Bundy Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Hello everyone! I'm actually new on this website. Never done that before. So I'm just gonna tell you about what happened to me in a few words (I'll try to make it as short as possible ) and I really thank you for you advices. So, here it is. I'm 22, and I met a girl (she was in a 3 year relationship when we started to get attracted to each others). Months after months we got closer, and we finally went out with each other. She dumped her ex-boyfriend, and was complety into our relationship. Actually, I've never have such a simple minded relationship. It went that way for about 2 months, and then she had to go back to her country for the summer break. Before she left my country she told me that she loved me... And we've been dealing really well our long distance relationship during 2 month 1/2. Calls everyday, sweet words, and thoughts... But on the other hand, I know her ex-boyfriend did not stop on bothering her (which I can understand his pain...), and when she came back to my town, she was all different. And finally told me that she wasn't ready yet to have a relationship, that she did not feel 100% ready to be with me, because she didn't have the time to definitely get over her ex... So yeah, I got dumped for no real reasons (at least that the way I feel. Kinda feel confused...). I know she did not meet anyone else, that she won't get back with her ex and I know she cares about me. But telling myself that the girl I love, dumped me for no reasons, and just wiped off all her feelings towards me is pretty hard.. We used to be close and honest toward each others, and now I don't know what she feels. She even get upset when I tried to understand her, telling me that she was lost, and couldn't do that now. So yeah I tried the No Contact method, but I ain't really good at it.. And when I started to do that she contacted me back. But it doesn't change anything, and I don't want her to contact me because she feels sry for me. I know she needs her own time, and needs to think about her. So what do you think about that? She dumped a 3 year boyfriend because you wooed her away from him because she wanted something new. What made you think you were going to be any different? Whether she physically cheated on her boyfriend at the time or not with you, she was engaging in emotional cheating. So again, what makes you any different? I know, that's probably such a commun subject, so I hope you won't get bored of advising me lol. Cause my mood is going so much like a yoyo. One day I'm good, the really next day I'm stuck with thoughts and memories. I don't think I've ever done anything wrong towards her. Never been an *******, never kept her from seeing her friends, or anything like that. Thx a lot. And if I can help anyone, I'll be glad.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Just one more question. What if she comes to me? What should I do. Act like I moved on, like I don't care? That's kind of tricky to answer. If she comes to you, and makes it clear (I mean CRYSTAL CLEAR), she wants to date you and give it a shot, then why not give it a try? But only do this if she has solidly been single for a few months. REMEMBER! You're only a catch to her if she picks YOU out of an ocean of guys! If she comes back tomorrow wanting you - shes not picking you out of a pool of amazing guys, shes picking you because you're easy and convenient to talk to, and has used you before to make herself feel good. Sounds to me like she needs a few months of single to get used to loving herself, before she can really commit herself to you! So: If you give her space, and in a few months she saunters over and wants to date, and you're still interested, why not give it a try? BUT! If she saunters over any time sooner, keep your distance. If she saunters over in a few months but just wants to chat, or is sending mixed signals? Stay away!! She's just using you again during a relapse of loneliness!! As for how to act, specifically? I cannot tell you what to do, other than to be yourself, but here are a few things you should NOT do! - Try to make her jealous - Try to hurt her - Act callous At best, when she contacts you, a perfect situation in my mind would be you just being... indifferent, to an extent. Not cold indifferent, but indifferent in that whatever happens, you are happy just being you and love your life. In the time she isn't contacting you, take time to grow, be independant and think carefully about what you want in life. That way, if and when she comes a knockin' she won't be able to hurt you! And you know what? An independent, confident guy is super sexy, so if you're able to be like that, she wont be able to keep her paws off you. If any of you guys wanna talk outside the forum (don't know if that happens often around here) just let me know. That happens sometimes here! I havn't personally talked to anyone outside the forums because no one has offered... my AIM and MSN on are shutdown mode, but I'm on Facebook chat all the time talking to people I know! The only problem is I dont know how to message you my Facebook info (I don't want it on the forums, for fear of my ex's ever finding me on these forums!!!). Gah!
lofi_tokyo Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Whether she physically cheated on her boyfriend at the time or not with you, she was engaging in emotional cheating. Yup, thats another thing to remember: She cheated on her ex with YOU! Even if it was emotional only, you cheated!!! Don't let that happen again... its cruel!
Author nboy Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 Ok, thx, I'm just gonna do things that way. My facebook infos , I think you just need to type Roderic Vovanqui on facebook and you should find me pretty easily.
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