losinglovehurts Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 To keep a long story short, I met my boyfriend online over 2 years ago. For about 2 years we went back and forth visiting (mostly me, he only came to see me twice). We live on completely separate sides of the US so I would fly to see him and stay anywhere from 3 weeks to 2 months. We would have great times but after the first year and 1/2 he'd tell me how bitter and hurt he feels when I'd have to leave. So in June of this year I decided to move to his state to be with him and make him happy (I work online so I can travel.). So I was down there living with him for 3 months and then my mom got very ill. I came back to my old hometown to be with her. I stayed a month. During this month, he gave me hell and I was going through such a hard stressful time with my mom being sick. And now that I am back in his state again, he is saying that his heart feels cold around me and he is not happy with me because he's always afraid that I'll have to go away again. I am fighting so hard to make this relationship work. I moved down there to be with him but also miss my family and hope to visit them from time to time. And the only reason why I went back home and stayed a month was because my mom was very ill and I wanted to be there for her. If she wasn't ill, I wouldn't have stayed that amount of time. He cant accept the fact that I will be leaving again to visit my family during holidays. Even though these will be only short trips back home. So I even gave him an opportunity to move back to my state. It would be no problem money wise, as I have enough in the bank and can fund everything (which I pretty much do now for him/us in his city) so I could be near my family plus never have to leave him again (since my family would be right in the same city) Well... he declined. He wants to be in his city yet doesnt want me leaving to visit family anymore. Is this a battle that can't be won? Am I wrong for wanting to visit my family from time to time? Can anyone relate to his side of things so you can tell me more about how he's feeling? I want this to work but I've tried so hard and now feel like just giving up
Eilonwy Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Dear losinglovehurts, You wanting to visit your family is most certainly NOT wrong. It is completely normal and understandable. You took the big step and moved to him. He should be grateful and supporting you in visiting your family is the least he should do. I have to say I find it hard to understand your boyfriend. His behavior seems extremely selfish and uncaring to me. Is he the jealous type? Perhaps he doesn't want you to visit because he wants you for himself? Could he not go with you when you visit them? If he doesn't change I'm afraid you really should give it up. You can't become happy like that!
Ronni_W Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Of course you are not wrong to visit your family at ANY time. Nor are any of your OTHER healthy wants and needs "wrong", no matter how he chooses to react to them. You and your family deserve as much or more of your energy and resources as he ever might. I hope your mom has recovered from her illness. Our parents aren't getting any younger, so it is important that we spend the time that we need and want with them...before it is too late, and all we're stuck with is guilt about not being with them when we had the chance. Can anyone relate to his side of things Well, I can relate to his side, yes -- it is extreme over-dependence, and is unhealthy (toxic) in an adult. It will manifest as one or more of: clinginess, need to control, blame and resentment, jealousy, pouting and tantrums, insecurity, sense of entitlement. The list goes on and on. His fears (of whatever) will result in his minimal, if any, understanding of, and support for, your healthy needs, desires and goals. Until he resolves his issues, don't expect any of that from him. That is, yes, unfortunately -- it IS a battle that you cannot win...until HE decides to heal/resolve the underlying causes of his fears. This link likely will help you gain insight into his behaviour. More importantly, though, HE needs to gain a better understanding of his inner world, and how his fears and resulting attitudes and actions will negatively impact ALL his relationships. Just because he isn't consciously aware of the fear, doesn't mean it isn't what is driving him. http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm Each chapter builds on the other, but you may want to check-out chapters 9 and 11 before you get into reading the whole thing. Hopefully it will also give you insight into your own patterns of behaviour, as it relates to this relationship in particular -- pro'ly chapters 4 and 7 may be of more use to your personal insights. Sending hugs and best wishes.
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