Weekly entertainment money

[nleeh]

I'm hoping to get some feedback about the fairness in a household concerning taking out weekly money for personal entertainment.

 

Here's the situation in my marriage. My husband works full time and I do not work outside the home. My husband considers his job as the be all and end all of what he needs to contribute to our household which means I am responsible for all chores, tasks, big or small that need to be done to maintaine our home inside and out and I mean everything, 24/7! For me, this is a full time job in itself and often just as stressful as his work place.

 

This is the set up we have had in our relationship for many years. He is a hard worker at his job and as for myself, I am also a hard worker and basically happy to take on the responsibilites of running a household and providing daily care for him and I add that my husband definately enjoys having his wife take care of everything that needs to be done...get done.

 

But here is the delimna. Since he brings in the money, he feels he can take as much personal money as he wants each week, where as he does not feel the same consideration towards me. I do take out cash now and then to spend on myself but the amount he takes, far exceeds what I take and times I take more it causes fights. Basically he feels I am not worhty of the same amount he is entitled to spend.

 

How do you think personal spending money should be handled? This has become a serious issue for us.

 

nleeh

[Mr. Lucky]

For me, this is a full time job in itself and often just as stressful as his work place.

I have a friend who had a similar conflict with his spouse and she used the following method to get her point across. As a SAHM, she let him continue to dictate the finances but began to make equally one-sided decisions on the home front. She washed one sock for him. She ironed one sleeve of his shirts. She made him four ounces of mac and cheese for dinner. She treated the part under her control as he felt he could treat the part under his.

 

While I'm not saying you should go to such extremes, he needs to understand that your marriage is a partnership. You two need to agree on discretionary spending and the amount should be the same for both. Failing that agreement, you might want want to offer him the same lack of consideration in certain areas he offers you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[soserious1]

When I was married and the sole wage earner the bulk of my paycheck after our investments was handed over to my husband to run our home and he took personal money as he saw fit. The only times I took personal money from my check was during slack periods in the consulting work I did on the side and then that amount would be VERY modest ie:$100 to last me 2 weeks. As a rule all my personal spending came from my side work.

 

We also felt that the attitude that the breadwinner didn't have to do anything else was elitist,arrogant and totally demeaning to the stay at home spouse.

I had regular chores, I did the dishes every other night, handled the catbox

was in charge of cleaning the bathrooms and hardwoods, all "deep" cleaning was my responsibility.

 

Stay at home spouse should not equal anybody being a slave or being treated like a 2 yr old when it comes to money.

[Alliistah]

Hey! Finally a thread that I really feel that I can give back to! I've been on my other thread asking for help, assistance, and reassurance from everyone and now I'm happy to know I can share my success here!

 

First off - I know exactly how you feel. Previous to getting married, my old girlfriend spent a lot of money on the AmEx and I couldn't spent any money because we always had to pay the AmEx bill. After that relationship was over, I promised that I would never share my personal checking account with anyone - ever again.

 

When I met my wife, she had the same kind of thing happen.

 

So this is what we did. We both have our personal checking and savings accounts. We also have a "bills/house" checking/savings account where we pay all our bills from, buy things for the house, kids, groceries, etc., etc.

 

We sat down and figured out how much each of our "allowances" were for each paycheck. Once those numbers were defined, I set those numbers up in my direct deposit at work. Now each paycheck we each get our own money and when one of us buys something, neither one of us have to ask the other one if we can afford it. We -never- fight about money. We have our own little cash and accounts that we can really do anything we want with. It really has worked well for us. We've had money discussions on how we're going to pay the bills and stuff but we never fight about who spent what. We don't overspend when it comes to the house stuff because we both know we can't do that.

 

I've even bought some expensive things for myself. Like a gaming rig so I can play my games on.. I bought an expensive guitar. I have a credit card that is mine. I pay it with the money from my personal account. She never questions this because it's my own money and I manage it myself. ..and slowly I have to pay those things off myself with my allowance that I get every paycheck.

 

This really has worked for us - I wouldn't have it any other way. ..and it's worked this way from the start nearly 12 years ago. It's just never been an issue because it works so well.

 

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions!

 

-Alli

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Here's how we handle it:

 

Every payday, money is moved out of the account (to bills, savings), leaving only enough to cover our AGREED UPON spending. I do all the banking, so I get it out of there the day it comes in. We discussed how much needs to be in there--I set my amount, he set his. Free to spend as we choose.

 

Any major purchases (which we AGREED as over $200) (because I forgot how much really nice boots cost ) have to be discussed and agreed upon before purchase.

 

He shouldn't hold money over your head. We settled money issues years ago and it's not been a problem since. Well, it helps that the 'thrifty' one is in charge of the banking. I could really clean him out, he has no idea where our money is. (don't worry, it's written down and in our safe. I've showed it all to him, he's just not interested.)

[nleeh]

I have a friend who had a similar conflict with his spouse and she used the following method to get her point across. As a SAHM, she let him continue to dictate the finances but began to make equally one-sided decisions on the home front. She washed one sock for him. She ironed one sleeve of his shirts. She made him four ounces of mac and cheese for dinner. She treated the part under her control as he felt he could treat the part under his.

 

While I'm not saying you should go to such extremes, he needs to understand that your marriage is a partnership. You two need to agree on discretionary spending and the amount should be the same for both. Failing that agreement, you might want want to offer him the same lack of consideration in certain areas he offers you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky, I've got to say that was a very clever way for your friend's spouse to make a point. I hope not to go that far but will certainly keep the idea in my hip pocket. I may have to come up with a simular strategy since what I have tried so far has not worked.

[nleeh]

...

We also felt that the attitude that the breadwinner didn't have to do anything else was elitist,arrogant and totally demeaning to the stay at home spouse.

I had regular chores, I did the dishes every other night, handled the catbox

was in charge of cleaning the bathrooms and hardwoods, all "deep" cleaning was my responsibility.

 

Stay at home spouse should not equal anybody being a slave or being treated like a 2 yr old when it comes to money.

 

Thanks soserious, I agree that a stay at home spouse should not be treated like a slave or a child when it comes to money matters and should have a partner who helps out with some jobs at home even if he/she works outside the home. I'm glad you and your husband have a working plan between you.

 

From our past talks and knowing my husband for a long time he is very rooted in his perception of how things work. We've talked about the money issue many times over without making a dent in it. He is passive agressive which makes it even harder to resolve most things. So at this point, I am willing to do the work at home and care for the family just as he works outside the home. I've accepted that but because our 'roles' have been cast and we are both in agreement with the workings of it, that makes the matter of each of us having equality in spending the same amount of personal money even more important.

[nleeh]

Hey! Finally a thread that I really feel that I can give back to! I've been on my other thread asking for help, assistance, and reassurance from everyone and now I'm happy to know I can share my success here!

 

First off - I know exactly how you feel. Previous to getting married, my old girlfriend spent a lot of money on the AmEx and I couldn't spent any money because we always had to pay the AmEx bill. After that relationship was over, I promised that I would never share my personal checking account with anyone - ever again.

 

When I met my wife, she had the same kind of thing happen.

 

So this is what we did. We both have our personal checking and savings accounts. We also have a "bills/house" checking/savings account where we pay all our bills from, buy things for the house, kids, groceries, etc., etc.

 

We sat down and figured out how much each of our "allowances" were for each paycheck. Once those numbers were defined, I set those numbers up in my direct deposit at work. Now each paycheck we each get our own money and when one of us buys something, neither one of us have to ask the other one if we can afford it. We -never- fight about money. We have our own little cash and accounts that we can really do anything we want with. It really has worked well for us. We've had money discussions on how we're going to pay the bills and stuff but we never fight about who spent what. We don't overspend when it comes to the house stuff because we both know we can't do that.

 

I've even bought some expensive things for myself. Like a gaming rig so I can play my games on.. I bought an expensive guitar. I have a credit card that is mine. I pay it with the money from my personal account. She never questions this because it's my own money and I manage it myself. ..and slowly I have to pay those things off myself with my allowance that I get every paycheck.

 

This really has worked for us - I wouldn't have it any other way. ..and it's worked this way from the start nearly 12 years ago. It's just never been an issue because it works so well.

 

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions!

 

-Alli

 

Alli, your plan is great. My neighbors use this same method, putting money into their bill account and keeping seperate accounts for their personal spending money. It's great you both agree on using a plan like that. In my case, I do not have a paying job to add to our over all monies but still, if my husband was agreeable we could set up seperate personal accounts for each of us and put money into it every week from his paycheck but would he agree to that? I have my doubts but it is an idea I will run by him. If he would do that and stick to using only the amount of his weekly fun money, I'd be one happy lady.

[nleeh]

Here's how we handle it:

 

Every payday, money is moved out of the account (to bills, savings), leaving only enough to cover our AGREED UPON spending. I do all the banking, so I get it out of there the day it comes in. We discussed how much needs to be in there--I set my amount, he set his. Free to spend as we choose.

 

Any major purchases (which we AGREED as over $200) (because I forgot how much really nice boots cost ) have to be discussed and agreed upon before purchase.

 

He shouldn't hold money over your head. We settled money issues years ago and it's not been a problem since. Well, it helps that the 'thrifty' one is in charge of the banking. I could really clean him out, he has no idea where our money is. (don't worry, it's written down and in our safe. I've showed it all to him, he's just not interested.)

 

I am truly happy to hear that quite a few posters have found a solution by using seperate checking accounts and agree on the amount used for personal fun money. As I said in another post I will talk to my husband about using this system but am afraid he will bulk at it since he has such a negative attitude towards my financial worth while at the same time loves being cared for like a king in his household. I also take care of all the bills and banking but he is very much involved in checking where and how much money leaves our account.

 

One tactic I have tried in the past is waiting till the end of each week and then writing myself a check of the same amount that he took out but that infuriates him and after using that tactic awhile, it began to delete our bank account quickly which bothered me a lot, as I am quite frugel. I'll add here that my husband likes to gamble which is where he spends all his personal money. So you see how that adds to this situation and his attitude about the 'money' being his. I know I have become a nag trying to keep his spending down but I am tired of being the watch dog because it makes for bad feelings in our home. But I'm also afrad to give him free reign to spend spend spend.

 

I've heard some good advice and will talk to him about seperate spending accounts and see if the roof blows off or not. lol. Got to keep a little sense of humor about this.

[Lizzie60]

I'm hoping to get some feedback about the fairness in a household concerning taking out weekly money for personal entertainment.

 

Here's the situation in my marriage. My husband works full time and I do not work outside the home. My husband considers his job as the be all and end all of what he needs to contribute to our household which means I am responsible for all chores, tasks, big or small that need to be done to maintaine our home inside and out and I mean everything, 24/7! For me, this is a full time job in itself and often just as stressful as his work place.

 

This is the set up we have had in our relationship for many years. He is a hard worker at his job and as for myself, I am also a hard worker and basically happy to take on the responsibilites of running a household and providing daily care for him and I add that my husband definately enjoys having his wife take care of everything that needs to be done...get done.

 

But here is the delimna. Since he brings in the money, he feels he can take as much personal money as he wants each week, where as he does not feel the same consideration towards me. I do take out cash now and then to spend on myself but the amount he takes, far exceeds what I take and times I take more it causes fights. Basically he feels I am not worhty of the same amount he is entitled to spend.

 

How do you think personal spending money should be handled? This has become a serious issue for us.

 

nleeh

 

WOW... you should both sit down and make a budget.. I'm pretty sure this has been tried.. other than that.. just do half your chores like Mr Lucky mentioned.. your husband is a jerk to treat you like a maid.. and not even paying you for it..

 

Hey people.. one more reason NOT to marry..

[nleeh]

Lizzie, it certainly gives some credence to staying single, lol. I've read that money is the biggest issue in most marraiges.

 

My dear aunt who recently passed away at the good old age of 91 dated briefly when she was young but never married, never had kids and she said over and over how glad she was that she never got hitched. She'd say she could do what she wanted, when she wanted and with whom ever she wanted. She had a rich interesting life and said many times she had "no regrets". She was a strong loving woman. It's not the path all women want but it suited her perfectly.

 

Since I did marry our money issues have to come to a head and I don't want this to go on any longer. And yes, I tried to make a budget but of course he was not interested. He has a good head for numbers, majored in accounting so he knows what we should do to fix this but doesn't want restraints in what he can spend. The more I talk about this the more determined I am to find a solution even if it has to be one that he will not much like to see evolve.

[Lizzie60]

Of course he wants to do as he pleases because he thinks you're insignificant since you don't bring home any money...

 

Put your foot down.. your H is a controlling azz.. he needs to respect you..

[nleeh]

Of course he wants to do as he pleases because he thinks you're insignificant since you don't bring home any money...

 

Put your foot down.. your H is a controlling azz.. he needs to respect you..

 

I agree Lizzie. I will put my foot down but want it to be the right foot in the right way which is why I'm searching for ideas that may be helpful and I don't want to do it in anger because, uh, that doesn't work, but right about now, my face looks a lot like the one in your quote because I am fed up with his need to control and his lack of respect.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

This doesn't seem to be about a budget, but about gambling, which is a whole other problem! Telling a gambler that he can only have X amount of dollars for gambling that week is like telling an alcoholic that they can only have one drink...it ain't gonna work!

 

nleeh, you need to be taking some money and stashing it in your own account, not for your personal fun money, but to save your home, car, etc. when he loses it all. A gambler who gets angry about money is trouble.

[Mr. Lucky]

This doesn't seem to be about a budget, but about gambling, which is a whole other problem! Telling a gambler that he can only have X amount of dollars for gambling that week is like telling an alcoholic that they can only have one drink...it ain't gonna work!

 

nleeh, you need to be taking some money and stashing it in your own account, not for your personal fun money, but to save your home, car, etc. when he loses it all. A gambler who gets angry about money is trouble.

I didn't see this until I went back and re-read her posts. As you pointed out, it's a whole different angle and one in which the OP will have to be very watchful. Living here in Sin City, I see it every day...

 

Mr. Lucky