blind_otter Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 So...this Saturday will be the 2 year anniversary of my father's death - many of you know that I was very, very close to him as I posted throughout his long illness and his death from lung cancer. I had my son 3 months ago; it has been the best experience of my life and I have changed completely - I never knew that I would take to being a mother so well, or that being a mother would change my personality on such a fundamental level! My mother is more involved in my life, and I have developed a close, loving relationship with my in-laws (you may remember my S/O's mom was the midwife who delivered our son). My son's grandfather is so loving and involved - he is the doting grandfather. He even walks, rocks, and calms my son when he is very fussy when we are visiting. But seeing my son with my S/O's father, combined with the upcoming anniversary of my Dad's death, has made me very melancholy the past few days. I remember my Dad so fondly, and even the day my son was born I cried briefly, wishing so intensely that my Dad could have seen my son. I don't know. I guess I'm just venting. I miss my Dad so much sometimes that it hurts - I guess you never "get over" losing someone you love who was such an essential part of your life for so many years. Thanks for listening.
hotgurl Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 awww blind big hugs:love: I am sure you dad would be so proud of you right now. Just remember as long as you keep his memory alive his will always be with you.
Jilly Bean Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Im so sorry, BO. I too, am very close with my Dad, and have been watching him battle cancer for almost 5 years now. I spend a lot of time thinking about life without him. All I can tell you is that people are never truly dead until they are forgotten. When your son is old enough, make sure he is regaled with stories of your Dad, how special he was, anecdotes of his life and wise sayings he had or taught you. Even though your son will never know him physically, your stories and tales will allow him to know him, and will let you pass on your Dads wisdom and spirit. Blessed be...
amaysngrace Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Honey he does see your son...just from a different angle. XO I'm glad the baby has been such a huge blessing in your lives. I was wondering about you this summer, wondering when you're going to go and how it'd be. I thought of you quite a bit actually. No, you never stop missing them. You never give up on wanting to see them and speak to them just once more. The pain never ever lessens. But what is that saying about it being better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Well yeah, I have to agree. I'm sorry you're hurting.
Author blind_otter Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 Yeah, it is better to have loved and lost - thanks to you all for the support during this hard time. My mom is a wreck right now - normally she is all over the baby, stopping by the house on her way home from work, but the last week or two she has been MIA, for good reason. She misses her life partner. Thankfully I have my son - he sucks his left thumb and holds his rattle with his left hand - I wonder if he is a lefty, like my Dad?? My best friend is always pointing out that my son looks a lot like my Dad - they both have big foreheads Thank you guys for listening to me during one of my moments of respite...
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 ***Hugz*** Here.. Have a Dove Dark * I sooo love this post from AG... Honey he does see your son...just from a different angle.
sumdude Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Big hug! I feel for you, I lost my mom 2 1/2 years ago and my dad is in the terminal stage of heart failure right now.... You'll feel his presence once in a while.. I know my mom paid me a visit last week. I could just feel her around me somehow, really messed me up for a bit but it was also reassuring.
2sunny Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 this is normal for you to miss him right now BO. if you didn't, (knowing how much you love him) it would seem odd. he lives on in your heart! time makes everything different... not necessarily better - just different. it's been 12 years that my Dad has been gone. i still miss him all the time. there are many times that i feel very strongly that he is here with me.
quankanne Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 hugs to you, otter. As close as you were, I think your daddy is looking down at you and baby otter, thrilled knowing that you now have the gift of love for your little one the way your dad has for you. And I imagine he couldn't be prouder of you, too.
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 B_O, I do believe your dad is lookin' in on you and his grandson. Do what I do, when you see a bright star in the sky twinkling, wink at it and know that it's your dad winking at you too.
Bufzookie Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I lost my Mother last month to Lung Cancer, and I know what that does to a person. I was right by her side when she died, and I felt as if a part of me died as well so...... I completely relate and my prayers and thoughts are with you. I know that time sometimes doesn't heal the pain of losing a parent but I'm glad to hear that you find joy in your little boy! My daughter gives me strength through all this and I thank god every day that I have her. That little pint of peanuts you have will give you comfort every time you think of you father. God bless!
Author blind_otter Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 I've been melancholy today. I called my mom, but she didn't answer the phone. I guess that's to be expected, but I will call her tomorrow and keep calling her until she answers the phone. I wish that we had all bonded together - we did so right after he passed, but then things just sort of fell apart within 6 months or so after Dad passed away. He was the rock that we all clung to. Without him here, we have all drifted apart....
marlena Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 He was the rock that we all clung to. Without him here, we have all drifted apart.... This happened to my family as well after both my parents died. Our centre collapsed and we all lost our way there for a while. It's getting better, though, as we struggle with trying to mend our wounds and grope in the dark to reach out to one another again. It is a slow and painful process. But it can happen, BO. Keep trying with your mom. It takes time as each member of the family deals with his/her own grief, each differently, each in his own time. Your little baby is lovely. Rejoice in him for it is through your little one that your father lives on. M
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Without him here, we have all drifted apart.... Keep calling your mom..You need her in your life, and so does your son. Even if you and your mom aren't that close, it'll be great if she could build a bond and a relationship with her grandson - Which in turn, could bring you two closer. Anniversary's are hard, we passed the 15th year with my dad this past July. You're in my thoughts..
Author blind_otter Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 My mom stopped by - turns out she up and flew to see my Dad's gravesite without telling anyone - she also visited with his sister and his brother, who are both quite elderly and of failing health. My uncle has had several bouts of skin cancer recently and my aunt has congestive heart failure. She was in better spirits than I had anticipated, and we plan to get together when she isn't babysitting my nieces and nephews (who, all but one being in school, are constantly sick with something or other this time of year). Things are looking up. Thanks for the support, guys. I miss him, but I finally felt like he was with me today.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I'm glad to hear that B_O. Love that picture of your son!
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