difficult to make sense of this

[jolie78]

i posted this in my blog as well, so this is really a repost. in the past 3 weeks, i read cucan pemo's book, love must be tough by james dobson, a bunch of other e-books, and some self-help books. all have given insight. as my brother said, the good thing about a breakup is that it leaves you more open-minded to advice from others, music, what you read, etc., and you kinda gain a bunch of epiphanies along the way. i read the LW thread here on loveshack repeatedly. is that avoidance? or is it reality? i'm pretty confused.

 

greetings. i have returned. i added maybe just four of you on my protected list - probably because i have read most of your posts over the years, you guys have kept up with mine, and i believe all of you have some insight into life and yourself to provide me with valuable feedback. i know writing will be therapeutic, but given my long hiatus, i'm afraid i have forgotten how.

 

this two-year relationship has sucked the life out of me. i'm not funny anymore, not witty, i have too much pride to be a wuss, but i want to have learned enough through this experience to not just be angrily defensive and discard everything as a waste of time. because that would only be my egoistic self speaking, and i have matured past that, right?

 

i was so lost in the past two weeks, but becoming so lost was more like a year-long process. i thought it was depression, extreme stress from work, immaturity, some mental condition, lack of inner strength - trust me, i really did look long and hard. in the end, could it just be my huge resistance to falling in love, resistance during the entire process, until i finally and successfully pushed him away in the end?

 

people say love shouldn't be this hard or complicated, but doesn't it also depend on how deeply you love, how seriously you took real relationships in the past, and how those wounds stung?

 

two years ago today, i met c. actually, we met beforehand and he had found me on friendster afterwards, and after exchanging some emails, i accepted a date on friday, oct. 13, 2006. we always joked about how there was something eerie about our relationship. the omens, friday the 13th, us knowing random ass things that nobody else would know, even humming an old opera song that we both know and yet do not know where we learned it. when you fall, you fall, and you don't question how it came about or where it will go, you just enjoy the process.

 

and that we did. for the first 6 months of the relationship, it was probably like bliss that i haven't experienced before. even today, he admits that it was like magic that he never had in past relationships. my brother says that finding magic is like winning the lottery. sure, we can find happiness in many other places and relationships, but magic is pretty special, no? it almost brought me back to high school. i became my high school self again, he stayed with me during the holidays, we met each other's respective families, drove 40 miles every other day (we took turns) to see each other, were exhausted, and were at peace the entire time. our emails, as i look back, showed that the feeling was mutual. we both kinda knew. and there was nothing scary about it. i was able to retain my individuality, he was the boyfriend who surprised me at my dance performances, who waited outside during my rehearsals, who sent flowers to court to me, who shared his past, who let me tease him relentlessly. he met my grandparents, my aunts, uncles and cousins. my guest bedroom at my parent's house became his room over the past two years. we held hands in my family van when my dad drove on family outings, we took the morning Thanksgiving walk with my family around the lake, we looked at houses, discussed our future, but not only that - we talked endlessly about our everyday lives, current events, politics, dogs, food. for a period of time, he even laughed about how we never did anything but just sit and look at each other. the shy guy that he was turned into this silly man who would drink tea with me on the weekends just so that we could stay up all night and giggle and talk and not sleep. the protective me had never let myself laugh like that with any other guy since i was probably 21.

 

drama kicked in when he asked me to move in about 8 months into it. i used to stand in the shower and think to myself, how am i going to pull off this relationship and not move back with family? do i want to stay in l.a. forever? it was a tough choice, and time seemed to be ticking. i lost myself. i didn't know where i was headed, i was just extremely lost. we discussed it repeatedly til he started to stress out as well. then it was as though that one doubt unleashed a monster. i pulled back. i broke up with him a couple times, made him cry a couple times, questioned who he was, how he felt about me, whether i was really more special than past relationships - it seriously was like a demon took over my body. it was gradual, of course, but one accusatory discussion that lasted an hour soon turned into a weekend. i became convinced that he didn't really love me, and i was angry at him for being weak and saying he did when he didn't even know if he did. love became an elusive concept, and the more he said he felt it, the angrier i got.

 

i did finally move in. and i can't remember it being good. it was late summer of last year. maybe it was good for the first few months. we played the whole house thing. we took turns cooking. we spent virtually every free moment at home together. i can't even remember what we did. i became immersed in juvenile delinquency, i was angry that i had to clean, i became holier-than-thou, is that really me?

 

he wrote me an email around that time that said that a relationship is a leap of faith, and if i didn't trust him, it wasn't going to work. somehow, i was so confident (subconsciously) that he was into me, that i disregarded it altogether. i scoffed at the idea that he would write that email. in the end, it said, "i do love you and i really want us to work out." weakling, i thought. he doesn't know what he's talking about. he doesn't even know what love is. i disgust myself as i write this post right now.

 

it lasted like that for a while. he gave his love, whatever he could, despite my attitude. i turned back into my old defensive self, who made guys prove their love to me. only, this time, in this relationship, i had no walking power. i loved him and i hated the fact that i loved him.

 

i didn't return love, he pulled away. then, over the next few months - fast forward to past Christmas and New Years, i began to try, but it was no longer me trying. not the real me but the needy me, the one who would've put forth effort so as not to be left alone, not the one who knew what she wanted and understood love. and i didn't really, really try, even then. i'd try and pull back, getting angry that i had to try at all. it was a huge inner struggle, and then the insults began. why am i putting in effort for this guy who (fill in blank with whatever insult you can think of.) i withdrew. i played literati and scramble a lot, and drank. i think i drank the past 6 months of our relationship away. he'd want to watch t.v. with me. i'd tell him i was disgusted and turn to play literati. or i'd say sorry, smile, and then play literati. i don't even like literati that much. i've been alone for a month now and i haven't played it once. literati was only a means to escape. i was afraid to face the fact that i loved this guy and i could feel him slipping away.

 

he thought i was nuts.

 

at the same time, he kinda knew me. he held me when i was scared, and said that he'll be there. on valentine's day, he sent a fruit creations thing to my juve court, and the note said that he will be there until i feel better. i didn't get him a birthday gift in march because i was angry that he didn't love me. he said his feelings were hurt.

 

the rest was a blur, and we broke up in june. he said the thought of our relationship being like this forever scared him, and he didn't want to risk his happiness. i cried. and cried. and cried. i grew angry. then cried. seriously, someone should have kicked me, right? he started to spend friday nights apart from me, going out with friends. i stopped crying and just grew really angry and mean. he started to talk to a lot of girls. short, tall, fat, 21 y.o., 35 y.o. he grew just as mean as me. he said that talking to anyone else would be nicer than talking with me. i don't think i felt so much hatred, ever, for another human being. i told him my ex was the one, that my ex was smarter than him. he was just numb.

 

but then we would still have good times. when we weren't fighting, we still shared the same sense of humor and interests. we still did things together on the weekends and weekdays. he still spent the weekend with my family and tried to make me laugh. but i was watching him, and he probably felt so uncomfortable.

 

why would anyone want to be in a relationship with me, right? i actually feel so broken.

 

i moved out on september 15. prior to that, we spent more time together, i was sad more than anything else, but we still got along. towards the end, he was warming back up to me and i felt him walking up to me to try to hug me at times. then i brought up a girl at the bar - this really nasty looking chick that he emailed. we got into a fight. he said that he would rather date a plain looking girl and not deal with drama, and that beauty is from within and i'm an ugly person. i was angry that he didn't see me.

 

i moved out and slept in a sleeping bag at my new townhouse - the one we have been looking at for the past year to purchase. i bought it myself. i blocked him from everything for a week. i went to san diego with my girlfriends. when i returned, i broke down, called him crying, and said i missed him. he said he was sorry, but he feels nothing for me anymore.

 

he called me the following day to see if i was okay. i was. i asked him to help me move the rest of my furniture on sunday. he agreed.

 

on sunday, he and my brother helped me move. he got me a kitchen set. he began to text in front of me on several occasions. i ignored it, choosing not to take the bait, but he knew i knew that he never ever texts. i was the only person in the past that he used to text. i live in a 3 story townhouse. he deliberately came into my presence as though to torture me as he texted, then pretending to be hiding it. i took the bait. he said he met someone at a bar last weekend, and they have been texting and talking on the phone. i flipped out. i cried for what seemed to be eternity, then i realized there were two ways out. with your dignity, or without. i sucked it up, grabbed my keys, and started to leave. i hugged him goodbye, he kissed my cheek, then i left. i got an apology email the following morning.

 

i don't think i slept that night. i got e-books (seriously - extra income does you no good.) i read the ebooks, and i read this spiritual book by cucan pemo on the laws of attraction and creating your own destiny. i learned that the situation i am in right now did not appear just because i am the victim of unfortunate circumstances, but rather that i created this in my mind a lot time ago, acted accordingly, and allowed for this to happen. it taught of inner peace, the law of completeness, not letting your ego get into the way of your relationships, emotional apathy, and i ate it all up. i looked into my past and realized that all these things were true. where i worried and feared and focused on those things, my worries and fears came true. where i strongly believed that i could achieve something, that too came true. and it's because, when you hold a belief strongly, you take actions that match that belief so that it would manifest.

 

we had dinner the following day. i was so afraid before dinner that i was still an emotional wreck. the emotional wreck in me was what had pushed him away. i studied the principles again, told myself to be strong, and i pulled it off. i was happy throughout the dinner. he felt at ease almost immediately again. we talked about old times, laughed, and he started to eat off my plate. he started to look sad, and said he woke up at 5 in the morning not knowing what to do so he went to the gym. he also started reading my favorite book, the kiterunner. he said his self-esteem was shot. i told him i'd always be there, but i have to find myself, too. he was a complete gentleman, then asked if i wanted to hang out at his place afterward. i declined, because i hadn't mastered the principles yet, i wasn't complete, and i wasn't about to let the negative cycle kick back into effect. i hugged him and said we'd have dinner the following week.

 

i didn't contact him again until sunday. i had to go to s.f. for a girl's night out. my girlfriends have really come through for me. of course, not talking to him killed me. we talked and chatted and lived together every single day practically for the past two years. but i know i needed to fix myself.

 

on sunday night, a family friend called and told me that i should let my intentions be known. otherwise, he'll think i'm moving on. in a vulnerable state, i took the advice. i chatted with charlie on line, then he called me. for the first time in eight months, i told him how i felt. i told him i always loved selfishly because i was afraid of getting hurt. i told him that i didn't understand how many issues, internally, i needed to work through. i told him that the time apart gave clarity and i knew i loved him and would want to end up with him. i also told him that i didn't care what he did in the meantime to heal and find himself, but i hoped that we would grow in the same direction. he was silent at first. then he said he gets numb when he talks to me and he can't help it. he said he doesn't have those same feelings. he said he asked me for 8 months if i loved him and i didn't respond. he said what we had was magic and he thought i was the one, but that is the past. he said he was confused. then he said he went on two dates with that girl over the weekend. i said that was fine, and she started to call on the other line. we got off the phone, and i felt fine. she will help heal our relationship, i thought. magic cannot be duplicated, and she will help him see that. i ended up staying up the entire night again.

 

i didn't cry. not at all. i was like a zombie, feeling my life falling apart. i emailed cucan pemo, the author, in hopes of getting an answer. what a joke, right?

 

the next morning, he IM'ed me and said he couldn't talk to me for a while. he can't concentrate on his new relationship with me in the picture. i got upset, asked him why he can't be there. he said he just can't. he says he still has my pictures/frames/collages and will drop them off to me one day.

 

i feel like a zombie now. that was just last week. a friend had checked the girl's blog on facebook for me. on it, she wrote about how she and charlie are soul mates. she wrote how he walked into her life last week, and the pain that she felt from her breakup disappeared. she said her dad said her breakup happened for a reason, that "Buddha" intended it. she said that the reason is charlie and that she knows he loves and cares for her and she is willing to do whatever it takes to be with him. she changed her profile to "in a relationship". i think i should maybe add that she is 28 years old and not 19.

 

the normal, law-school graduate, healthy family/healthy friends product, silly me thought, "how awesome, she's a douchebag. it's been a week, and she's writing psycho things about him." the vulnerable me sank into a state of sadness and thought, he found love. but a week? when our relationship began, it was all about laughing, sharing, and being silly together. why would a relationship begin with such intensity, sadness, and seriousness? or is she providing something that i didn't? the good thing is that she looks like olive oil with a man's face, but it still doesn't take away from the fact that she has him now. that and he's always been about inner beauty. i still have not made sense of this situation yet. any third-party perspectives?

 

i feel calmer now, kinda losing hope, and kinda thinking, if he wants to be with a douchebag, so be it. i mean, who posts about Buddha and all that stuff after knowing a guy for a week anyway? and he hasn't responded. in the past, we had a private xanga, and the posts/comments were always mutual. but whatever, right?

 

then on sunday, i received an email from none other than cucan pemo. she read my email to her and actually provided a long response. she says the months to come will be long, but it was a mess that i created and it will take time to fix. if i really feel he is the one, then i shouldn't give up or lose hope. i shouldn't question how it will come about, just know that if it is love, it will. she went on into more detail, but i think you guys get the drift. she also said don't just write it off and choose for him that she is the one. i have the tendency to do that. i never fight - if she wants him that bad, **** it, she can have him. cucan says to practice emotional apathy and let him decide.

 

last night, he also shut down our xanga account. i have no clue why. it wasn't bothering him, he hasn't posted in it for a long time, and my private stuff is on it, too. if he is having such a great time in his relationship, why is he still doing little spiteful things like this? i have not called, texted, or emailed (aside from a brief apology letter sent 2 weeks ago.) i don't think i have tried by any means to serve as a source of distraction, so why am i still being punished?

 

you know, in life, and i know because i have lived practically my 20's like this, it's easy to protect yourself and walk away. avoidance is the best remedy. and then i can be silly and happy again. but at the end of it all, don't we know who was the right person for us? and don't we know whether it really would work or would not work? i think most of us keep moving on and starting new relationships because of avoidance. i've been there, done that. nobody likes pain. and i'm starting to forget how magic feels anyway. but at the end of everything, when i think about who i want to do laundry with, who i want to go to family dinners with, who i want to watch t.v. at the end of the night and laugh with, it's him. it's always been him.

 

update: every single day, i feel like i'm moving on, then i feel a setback. just as i was feeling good about myself, he posts on facebook that he is in a relationship. we're 30. wouldn't his friends think he's weird given the fact that i just moved out? then he deleted me. he says we're friends, and i haven't bothered him, but this sure doesn't seem like friendly behavior. what is going on?

[Federica]

This post is way too long.

It's ok as a blog entry, but I'm afraid folks here can't be expected to read something thast takes ten minutes to read and a further 10 to absorb.

 

Sorry.... I think you should try to post again, with a shortened version.

 

Thanks.