clapyourhands Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 so, my boyfriend and I have been seeing one another exclusively for about 6 months. in the past 2 months, we've had a lot of ups and downs. however, these said ups and downs have not been because of the relationship itself or our lack of compatibility. in fact, we have a lot in common and are very much attracted to each other. and the best part, i trust him. i've never trusted any other boyfriends for several reasons. there are a lot of outside elements that are directly effecting the relationship and in turn, causing arguments. i.e.- he's not working steady and is depressed because of it, i'm working two jobs and going to school, and both of us are having family problems, etc. now, i'm very realistic so i'm not saying that i expect everything to be easy going in life. however, it just seems like it's one problem on top of another. i feel as though if we weren't under so much pressure, we'd be getting along better. also, we should be sticking together, and easing the stress these situations are causing. instead, we'll be having a perfectly wonderful time together and then all of the sudden be lashing out at one another for something ridiculous. we always work through the argument immediately and make sure we get back on track. but i think the relationship is still so new and the problems are stifling it to grow. i have to be honest and say that the arguments are 97% of the time instigated by me. i've really put him through some BS that someone as kind and sweet as him shouldn't endure. we broke up last week and ended up back together 2 days later. the one day in between the "break up", i told him i wasn't sure if we were falling in love and that might be what we were missing. he said "i care about you a lot, please don't think otherwise." so the next day he called me and asked that we "give the relationship an honest chance." in an effort to salvage what we have, we thought it was a good idea to spend less time together while still talking on the phone daily. as a result of this, i'm realizing that i really do love him. the simple fact that we want it to work and are willing to do whatever it takes to work means a lot to me. it's mature, it's practical, it's real. i guess my question is: is it possible that he's in love with me but because of all the discord, he's not ready to open up completely? he acts as though he's in love with me, especially given the fact that he wants us to be together despite the chaos. he's very attentive, always making sure i'm happy, calling me his "love" and other pet names. bottom line, he's putting up with a lot which to me means love. but, it's the word "care" that he used previously that bothers me. we "care" about our pets, family, and friends... we're not in love with them. i'm 25 and he's 29. we both have been in previous relationships that ended poorly.
quankanne Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 the best measure of how someone feels about you is in his/her actions. "he's very attentive, always making sure i'm happy, calling me his "love" and other pet names. bottom line, he's putting up with a lot which to me means love" tells me that you're someone special, but he may be cautious in using the L-word because he realizes that it's something really, really big to use those words. From what you've said about his behavior, he is prolly close to getting there!
Ronni_W Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 For me, "care" is an essential ingredient for there to be "love". That is, I see 'love' as being an umbrella term for a whole bunch of qualities -- respect, admiration, appreciation, acceptance, kindness, empathy, caring, etc. -- all of which I prefer having in my 'love' relationship, and which sounds as if you do feel many of those types of things. In your relationship, his depression and the pressure that you are feeling are actually internal elements. You each have personal power and control to change how you're reacting to your external worlds, I mean. But yes, these certainly can negatively impact your individual ability to properly cope with all the things that are going on for you guys. That is, when there is constant stress and one already feels 'depressed', it is much more difficult to stay optimistic, productive and happy with what is, and much easier to just become more and more drained, depleted and ineffective. (It's tough to be able to give everything that you both want, to the relationship cos you're being pulled in so many other directions.) Six months is still a young relationship, so that will add even further to how well you both can manage everything. Lots of caring and understanding will get you through it, I think -- cos it sounds like you do have a good foundation...it's just about giving extra care and consideration to ensure that neither of you allows all the stuff outside of your control to permanently ruin it. Hugs and best of luck to you both.
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