meta555 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I recently found reason to believe that my ex girlfriend is engaged. We were together for about 6 years and have been apart for about 2 years. I thought I was over her... apparently not. When I found out she was engaged, that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that I thought I would never feel again kicked in. It lasted for about an hour and my hear rate went up. Part of me is mad, and I am partially sick, and somewhat jealous. I don't know how to decode the exact feeling I'm felling. When we first broke up I was the one who was reinforcing the ideas that we were not right for each other and should be with other people. She agreed, however she was never the one to share her personal details of who she was seeing and I was not one to pry. I guess it was to be expected, her getting engaged. When we first broke up I was partying with new random girls 2 to 3 nights a week and staying out till 4am. I also shared a house with another a girl for a few months. I was in college and single, what would you expect. The sad part is that over the past 2 years I never once hooked up with any of the beautiful girls I have been talking to and partying with. Yes they were hot, no I'm not gay. My problem is that I have been comparing every girl I meet on a casual basis to my ex of 6 years. I am one who constantly does better in life, and I don't want to start another potential dead end relationship. Over the past two years I have turned down beautiful girls because she was one or more of the following: a slut married gold digger smoker coke head no college education low self esteem high maintenance dated good friends of mine in the past differing political beliefs lives in a bad part of town I know its pretty bad. I often find my self looking for reasons why I wouldn't want to date a girl before I even meet her. Is this normal, should I give these girls a chance? It seems that most guys I know 23-28 will hump any girl they can after a long night of drinking. I have met a handful of girls over the past two years who rank 9/10 or 10/10 in my book. This is not based on looks alone. When I pursue these girls I am out of my element because they are so scarce and I come off as that "nice guy" and fall into the friend category. People who know me best would say I can be funny, flirty, and outgoing. I feel like I am giving a presentation to an audience when I talk to a girl I am genuinely interested in. I get nervous and am not myself. I feel like Steve Carell in 40 year old virgin. When Seth Rogan says "get you a bunch of hood rats... when you've slayed all them hood rats... now your ready for the upper echelon type ho". Keep in mind I am very sucessful for my age, good looking, and fashionable. What will it take for me to get over this and move on. My ex is the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. Should I slay a bunch of hood rats? This girl is holding me back from everything that could be mine in life at this moment. My ex and I were best friends before we started dating. Most of my friends and some of her friends agreed that I could do better than her. In many ways I resent her. She was very controlling and manipulative, she was extremely uptight and particular of anything and everything that she didn't like. She was good with money, so much that she was cheap and stingy. Oh, and when she was drunk she would freak out and turn evil over stupid little things. Me, I love to spend, on myself and others equally. I spent tons of money entertaining her over the years. Traveling overseas, eating out, movies, Victorias Secret. Most of my friends felt she came off as very "fake". I didn't see this until after we broke up. She cares too much about what other people think be it her family friends, or a complete stranger. I am convinced that unless she has some paradigm change that drastically changes the person who she has always been, she will make her husband miserable who will then make her miserable. We could never be together simply because I am extremely impulsive and yet her life is premeditated. This caused us to but heads over and over throughout our 6 years. Her controlling nature tried to tame my spontaneuity. The last 2 years were miserable. I don't know why the engagement bothers me. Is spontaneous good? Do some women prefer spontaneous? It defines who I am. In my book its a virtue. How can I get over this, move on, and more importantly get back onto another woman and forget my ex ever happened. Ha Ha just kidding. Seriously though, when I was with her I had all sorts of opportunities to be with what I call dimes or 10/10's. I think a lot of it has to do with the law of scarcity and other women wanting what they believe they cant have. Should I date a girl even though it will not likely lead to anything serious. Perhaps I should slay a bunch of hoodrats. Should I hook up with my friends ex girlfriends. Any input is welcome. Whatever I have been doing for the past 2 years is not working out and I am convinced that making new relationships with women is the only way I can deal with my ex being engaged. Thanks in advance.
Geishawhelk Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 First of all, mourning a loss will do that to you. Kick you in the teeth when you least expect it. All the worse because the object of your affection is still living, still loving and doing very well without you, thanks.... I thought maybe at first you were coming over as a little pompous, not to say conceited. The written word is a terrible medium with which to convey facts of this nature... I can see why you might have decided some of the ladies you dated as being completely undesirable, but in my humble opinion, to eliminate someone for their political beliefs is somewhat excessive... I believe Mr Schwartzeneger (sp.) is married to someone whose political beliefs appear to be a complete polar opposite.....? You have some pretty high standards, and i can see why. But High maintenance might also fit you in description, because you seem to have set the pole quite high.... Are you sure you're not scuppering your own happiness by unconsciously comparing every woman you meet, with your ex...? Seems to be the case... If I may suggest, I think you need counselling. In a similar vein to berevement counselling. Because much as your confidence may seem to say otherwise, I think it highly probable that, rather than work through the separation process, what you have effectively done is suppress it. It might be buried, but it isn't dead.
SushiX Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 This sounds like my ex. She was controlling, superficial, materialistic, flirtatious, fake, and a straight up slut. Cheap as **** with money. I spent thousands of dollars just to maintain her. She was what you call a "trophy gf" Got killer looks but no ***en brain. The reason I got with her because all my friends liked her. It made me feel great, but at the same time I was a wreak. I was always worried she'd couldn't resist the temptations of other guys. Later I found out she slept with 2 other guys. Yeah they're more handsome, got more money than me, but I doubt they'll ever treat her as good as I did. Now I can't be too picky anymore. I actually told myself I've got to find a normal girl. A girl that's not too "hot to handle" Maybe I gotta lower my standards. Hahha, But yeah, slaying a whole bunch of hoodrats sounds fun. lol
Ronni_W Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 My ex is the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. ...This girl is holding me back from everything that could be mine in life at this moment. No, you are doing that to yourself. At least, some of your beliefs and attitudes are. Because. You also are "convinced" that she's more likely than not to make her husband miserable -- and it doesn't sound as if you are a person who intellectually would WANT such a woman (controlling, rigid/scheduled) for yourself, nor would you consciously allow your memory of her to hold you back, I wouldn't think. As Geisha pointed out, it may be coming from some (subconscious) unreleased grief feelings, for which counseling may be most helpful to resolve. Within your list of why you reject certain women, there is evidence that could be pointing to judgment, superiority, etc. Which tend to be offsets for self-judgment and feelings of inferiority, etc. But you would know far better than anyone else, how you really feel about yourself, deep-down -- so just ignore this part if nothing is resonating.
Angel1111 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 It sounds like you may just want what you can't have and that there's a certain arrogance about you that keeps you from being with someone new. While I think it's an excellent trait for anyone - male or female - to not to resort to screwing anything that walks, I do think you set things up in your life so that you don't have to commit. (I can hear you laughing.) You could see quite clearly - and still do - that your ex is not right for you. But your reasons for not dating other women has weaknesses - they live on the wrong side of town? no college? (most self-made millionaires have no college education, btw), policital views? (kinda takes the fun out of potential debates, doesn't it?). Those things are pretty extreme, limiting and somewhat arrogant. And I'm missing the part where your ex was such a great catch - stingy, controlling, the potential to be a lousy wife, and someone who's not right for you. But I do think it serves a purpose - which is it allows you to keep your distance from relationships. Not that you shouldn't be selective, I just think your criteria is extreme. You probably do really love your ex and it just takes time to get past that. But knowing that she would make her husband miserable should take some of the sting out of it. This is called being between a 'rock and a hard place'. You can't go back and you can't move forward. But you'll need to move forward and, when you're ready, you'll stop making excuses for why you aren't with someone else.
ArmandTill Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 ou dude you sound like me, my ex is pregnant and I didnt feel anything much till I saw her pregnant pictures. There's a lot of realizations on the advice given by the other lads on here. The one who said "you might have been creating a setup so you wouldn't have to commit" caught me right on, gave me a laugh.. Anyway I think this is only temporary? They said the feeling comes back from time to time. But since I haven't been in a new serious relationship after that one, I do not know yet. I think we should suspend the critical factor and just go with the flow? A part of us miss and maybe want our exes, knowing full well that they are imperfect. Other people are going to be imperfect. But don't worry about it, you want spontainety out of your life, so hook up with someone that interests you without knowing the other details. (Of course, while practicing safe sex, we cant be that spontaneous sometimes!) Or you need to talk to new people, or go to a new place. Somewhere that will shake you. Eg: I'm about to move to another continent a few months from now.
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