4givrnt4gtr Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I have never had a long term relationship until now, and I really dont know if what we are experiencing comes with the territory. I really love my bf. He is smart, funny driven, good looking. etc. However, it seems like we really have nothing to talk about. He calls, we ask how each other's day went...and then, nothing. We got nothing more to say. Sometimes I try to come up with something to talk about but he often just answers with short responses. And then when we are together, sometimes i feel like Im a either annoying him, or Im just one more chair. Like, I say something silly or do something that I expect to make him laugh, but instead he just looks at me for a second and then shifts his attention back to, usually, the tv. No smile, no comment, nothing. Other times, after watching him go back and forth doing things around his place, I look at him waiting for him to acknowledge me with a smile, or something. Often he just briefly looks at me, and then shifts his attention back to something else, completely serious. No smile, no nothing. This makes me feel insecured, like Im boring him or like...i dont know. But then on the other hand he usually acts very loving. He is always asking me to come to see him or whether he can come to see me. He makes me laugh, and is very supportive of all my goals. He is very understanding and a great listener. So, I know he loves me...its just that sometimes, I feel like we're falling into a rut and Im afraid we're getting bored of each other. On top of this I know he wants to eventually marry me. But feeling these things I worry that after we get married Its gonna be worse. Do these type of things happen in all long term relationships? or should I worry that maybe we're not as compatible as we think we are? Can you please tell me what to expect as the initial butterflies settle? what is normal and what is not???
Island Girl Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 There is of course a comfort level in a long term relationship. No more facades. That is entirely normal. Problems do get magnified in marriage. Some say that any problem you have gets 10 times worse when you get married. But you say he is a really good listener and he really loves you, so why not just talk about it? You don't want someone else to love in your life - you just want more living in your life. You may both have things you have always wanted to do and haven't done. Some you may want to share together and others you may want to try on your own. Anything you do on your own will give you something to share with the other person so it all helps. Yes life in a long term relationship changes. There is little drama or excitement within the relationship because it is stable and comfortable. But that doesn't mean that life can't be exciting.
Trialbyfire Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Common interests, hobbies and goals really help to keep the conversation going. If you don't have any, it's worthwhile to start some together. All my LTRs were with men who I had known for awhile, sometimes years, so we got to know each other well before we got romantically involved. We shared a lot of common interests.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 So ive been thinking about this situation. I really wish I could fix it somehow. It occurred to me that I could ask him if he has been feeling the same way. Ask him if he is feeling a bit bored. However I dont want to put it all on me...I dont want to ask him if he is bored with me. I dont want to sound insecured.... How can I phrase it where I dont blame him, but I also dont take full responsibility? Also, regarding his lack of affect...it hurts my feelings, and honestly makes me feel like I cant be myself because when I let go a bit, I feel like it annoys him. Yet, when he is silly I always laugh. How can I say this without sounding whinny and needy?
Island Girl Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 It occurred to me that I could ask him if he has been feeling the same way. Ask him if he is feeling a bit bored. What did you guys do when you were dating? And I wouldn't ask him if he's bored. You could say you feel like shaking the routine up on occasion and does he feel that way too. Also, regarding his lack of affect...it hurts my feelings, and honestly makes me feel like I cant be myself because when I let go a bit, I feel like it annoys him. Yet, when he is silly I always laugh. How can I say this without sounding whinny and needy? Why don't you just have an open conversation. You said he listens to you. Just say how you feel. Ask him if it annoys him I am sure he'll tell you the truth. Just be prepared that he may tell you some of your silly actions may not be funny to him. Come on be honest - ALL of his silly actions aren't really funny are they? Sometimes aren't you laughing to protect him from feeling how you do when he doesn't laugh? My husband is hilarious but a lot of the time he is not trying to be funny. He is trying to be firm and serious but he makes me laugh and then he sees the humor and laughs too. When he is trying to be funny it usually falls flat but I giggle and that makes him happy. We do strange things for the men we love, don't we?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 Well I kinda commented tonight about how lately we havent had much conversation. We talked about it and he explained to me that usually we talk on the phone at night, when he's tired and sleepy. I know he gets very quiet when he's tired, so i told him i understood. He said he would make an effort to be more conversational and he started immediately I really really REALLY love how amazing he is....i really really do
Ronni_W Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Well done! I might just suggest to ask him if he'd prefer to cut down on the workday night phone calls a bit, or to have them earlier in the evening and keep them shorter. Or just anything for him to know that you heard him, you understand the prob, and know where he's coming from, too. I really really REALLY love how amazing he is....i really really do Don't forget to remind him how much you really really appreciate him!
Recommended Posts