Frenchie1915 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Our story…although pieces drip from spot to spot…I’ve never really told it… Full of heart ache, depression, triumph, LoVe, aggression, addictions, Rock N RoLL, wild love making during summer days, the ocean, Country sand in my toes, places I love & places he goes!...every part of “us” lives everywhere in my life and in every moment...good & bad. He & I had something…something that was indeed...something. We are everything…chaos & logic…emotion & drama. We are the world without the other…yet nothing all at the same time. I feel lost. I feel sick. Last night in a moment of desperate “Google-ling” between kitchen space savors & bath cabinets for my new & very tiny apartment ahead, I keyed in…”Is it right for us to break up?” Voila!...here I am…I can not ask anybody around us because they are either so tired of our traumatic ups & downs they’d rather see us torn apart or, so in love with who “we” are…they’d cry & almost die to see us apart! I am confused & I am sad. Is this wrong to do? I should ask my father, that is if he’d ever call me back…”Daddy, am I expecting too much of him?” I suggested counseling…I suggested it being a man…he said no. Always emotional & always stoned…I was 19 when he found me. I was working as a waitress, had a Jerk/guy/druggy for a roommate!...lived in a crappy little house downtown where I felt most alive. I was wild, young & free…barely understood a thing in life…had no clue where I was going!...not that I cared…not that it mattered then! Dressed in the “old greens” at 21, he was an unexpected addition to a dinner date I had with one of his GI friends. I thought I was going to marry that guy! I remember the conversation I had with my mother about how he made me feel!...too bad he was married already…right? My recently “parted” love stood behind him when I answered the door. Much shorter & lacking the “dark & mysterious” features I am usually attracted too…I couldn’t take my eyes off of him! He was so pale…& so Irish! Red hair & Proud to be it!...he told me right off all that he was made of!...& I was attracted! I will forever say…I fell in love with his eyes way before I did anything else! So piercing blue I could cry! He walked in…so forward…so crude…so strong. He didn’t care if I wanted him there or not! He grossed me out, pretty much annoyed me, kept me on my toes though!...I liked him!...he never talked of anything “real”…I rolled my eyes so often our first year I doubt he even knew their real color! I remember smacking and popping bubbles with my gum so loud, I hoped it would hurt his ears! Two days after my date with “ol so Mr. WRONG!”...my love stopped by to see me at complete random. When I opened the door he stood alone and looked at me with this grin on his face like he’d been waiting for this moment all day! I smiled back at him…curious…& I let him in. He told me he’d had me on his mind since we’d met & it “just so happened that he was in the neighborhood.” I didn’t care that he lived miles away! The funny thing about he & I is that from that point on there never really seemed to be a whole lot of those “getting to know you” conversations. I do not recall ever feeling awkward around him and I mean that sincerely! He never judged me for anything I’d ever done. I never judged him. We’d gone through so much already…love & heartache…growing pains…life…struggle…whatever…it didn’t matter. With him, just being still and quite was better than anything typical of everyday relationships. So many times we’d just lie in my bed with the lights off & listen to whatever band he felt like introducing me to that night. He’d wrap his hands around mine & run his fingers through my hair. Sometimes in my living room…we’d just sit & stare opposite the other. It was a curious love…strange love. Life wasn’t as easy for me as it was for him back then. Don’t think this is a “pity party,” I am fully aware and have long accepted the mistakes I made in my later teenage years & early 20’s. He pushed me in a better direction…not as gently as most would have done however I do not think I would have noticed or budged one bit if he hadn’t pushed as he did. I showed him passion, unpredictable love & what holding onto somebody for love really felt like…he held on back! I had no idea what I was doing or getting into for that matter but it felt right…it felt good. One night…towards the end of my “great/big fat/emotional fall”…I sat in my bathroom tub…crying quietly while he rambled about rescuing me from madness! There were so many people in my house that night and my only escape was that one spot. I hid away for hours. I lit a single candle…locked the door and called him. He was drunk & said first thing…”I wrote you a song baby!” He was so excited & laid the phone down beside his guitar & he played it…over & over & then some more. I hum that tune when I sleep. It’s true! I can’t get it out of my head. It’s so beautiful & so it comforts me. You’d feel it the same if you could hear it. To this day when he plays it for me…I get chills. To this day with the first stroke of the first note…everyone…especially me…looks up at him…instantly feeling the emotion and life that’s made the song so special! I’d always wanted a song of my own!...& so I cried for him. He loved me still & I loved him back…forever. 24 & perched on his bed room steps in his big house with a fabulous glass of wine…I thought to myself…while he rocked that same song for me (with years of improvements BTW.) I love this man & I want to marry him. I wanna have babies with him. It was cold out side and his roommates were gone for the night. He’d put on a fire in his fireplace & turned all the lights off. It felt like forever that I watched his silhouette flicker in the light while he danced alone with his guitar…all the while playing my heart like a crazy! I sat there wide eyed…in love…wishing for more! It was magic…it was beauty. We’d gone through so much together…After he’d left the Army and decided to stay here for me…confirming in my heart that what we had was good we endured so much more than anyone should…crappy apartments together…no jobs…crappy jobs…hotel living…peanut butter eating...fights & tears & disappointments…no money…tons of money…sometimes stitches…no insurance…lack of…bills…drugs & drinking…so much love…so much love making…so much rockin & a rollin…barely getting by…one day at a time…we’d went to hell and back discovering each other and our early youth in the few years that laid behind us. Some how we’d made it together! Living in our own separate homes (result of break-up number 1 that lasted 2 weeks)…a little history…& now working dream jobs!...with great cars & money & everything okay/normal…we finally found “us”…as individuals…as partners...we found balance in everything good. We’d maintained for a few years the life we’d always wanted! Better than that…the life we’d worked so very hard for & appreciated together & maybe even a little more than the average couple! He let his “riff” drag with his fingers and stared at me with that familiar grin…while I smiled back…Thanking God for this man before me & this moment beautiful! The following October we found a house we both agreed on (finally) & moved in… together. The first six months were complete bliss. I say this with so much truth…The first six months together here in our home together were the happiest I have ever been in my entire life! I’d never ask for more than that. “Happier” of course means happier than every single year of my life prior! I recall walking the halls with random folks at work and answering…”Very Good!”…when asked how I was doing. I felt like dancing because I really meant it! I lost 85 pounds b/c we bought an “in home gym!” He was my biggest fan & supporter! I faced demons via my past that I always assumed would die within me! I sought out counseling to face the things I could not get over & so I was cured! He played my song from time to time. I learned to cook & fed him daily with pride. We decorated together after selling everything we owned alone…ensuring that our home resembled “us.” He gave me room to be who I was as an individual! Looking back now I wonder…was that love or just what I had always needed mentally to become the woman I am today? There is no denying that the girl I was when we met fell silent a long time ago in me. I think I left her in that bath tub actually. I am not ashamed of that & I do not feel he is either…or is he? Once during a “session”, my therapist warned me against the “wounded sparrow” theory. She claimed that some people are attracted to only those that hurt & wounded by life because they know they can heal them because they are just like them. Once healed…where is that person/healer to go then? I do not see it that way. Yet still I feel it important enough to document here…mostly because it just rang in my head at this moment. I had met his mother only once. She lived in another state. He came home from work one day all sad and sat down with me. We discussed seriously all that his mother was suffering financially & emotionally and the option of moving her here with us to “get on her feet.” I remembered fondly the “one time” I had met her and how she’d welcomed me with no questions of my past or even the sincerity I carried for her favorite son. I agreed immediately to move her here. The next day I went shopping for simple things to make her room more comfortable, thinking…this could be my mother! A month after our discussion & mutual agreement, his mother was here with us & everyday I’d come home to more and more of my pictures and home décor leaning on the walls of my hall way floor...thrown away like ugly. I never said anything…maybe I should have. My personal gym had become a storage room full of boxes on top of boxes of stuff. Every “date night”…she was there. Those nights eventually became no dates at all. I loved her…I tried to make her love me. I know he felt the same dread and discomfort as me. With that feeling, came a lot of distance between us. Once I came home from work and he was in bed already. His mother was working nights at the job she’d gotten shortly after moving here. I jumped on top of him…waking him up with my own long day/bad breath…kissing him all over! In a glimpse of us…we made love like we used too! It was beautiful!...it was silly & he say’s “Anyone can feel passion but it takes real lover’s to be silly!”...& so we were that day! I walked into the kitchen in only my panties & a T-shirt to grab a glass of water. We smoked, cooked dinner, showered together. I can see his smile as we looked at each other with the same love we’d always had. I can feel the water…tasting like bleach…like our city…running into my mouth as I kissed his neck…hugged his body next to my own. Some how…shortly after…I was sleeping with a stranger whose guitar got buried in a life somewhere unknown in our own home. My “therapist” claimed I was in need of his mothers “nurturing elements” and to embrace his mother as if she were my own. I fired her…I think I still owe her 30 bucks. I thought to me…”I am too independent for that & so is my real mother who is living her life…just like she wants…all on her own." 25 & bronzed…unpredictably lonely & despite everything existing in the best summer ever!...I managed some how to still live on top of the world! His mother and my love conjured quickly their own world that I really gave my best at...but never could feel apart of. Maybe I gave up too soon? I was better than ever yet I felt insecure against the power of this life I had aided in creating. I could not fathom after all this time feeling so very “single.” Yet there I was…pushed away & lonelier than when I lived alone.(recalls a phone call via my real mother…”I was the loneliest I’ve ever been when I lived with your father!...wishing you luck baby!...it’s going be alright!”) Did I just do the very thing they had done? Dear God…help us. How could we fall so in love and then destroy it just the same? That same summer, I met a man that reminded me of him. The “him” when I was younger. Although lacking a lot of charm, sincerity…not to mention the ‘green’s”…its with his help that I picked up a drink & I have yet to let her go because she’s become my best friend. Always there & more than willing to drown out what’s real...how could I ever compare the two of those men? His mother and my love & their own world lived on…all the while I finally let go with a little thing called disconnect. I signed up for overtime every chance I got at work. I put all of my money…good money by the way…but money just the same…into clothes and my family…me…selfish/lavish/ridiculous! I stopped decorating or even cleaning my own home. His mother did it. I can not blame anyone. In fact I have questioned the strength of my own love as well as the strength in who I am. Today I am not too sure of me. All my life I have been so passionate & forth giving with untamed love!...no matter it’s receiver!...who was I in that day when I withdrew from the very man that saved me from myself? The first time in weeks he asked me to stay with him. I was already ready to go & and the very idea of staying home felt like suicide all over. I left him angry but I cried anyway on my way to the bar where I sat alone for about an hour thinking…who the hell am I these days? It stormed the whole way to the very coast he & I had made love at time & again…We made love like no other. “First Love/Crush!”…you may say to yourself but I tell you that the ocean and its waves never moved the same after we left that place! This new man & creative creature I’d suddenly felt inspired enough by…given too much credit to…helped me break away from my own life & love. “In waiting for me”…so he said...so I felt. Happy to see me…closed his hand around my own as if it belonged to him…I found him…in a different silhouette…that made me smile in a different smile. He cracked the lonely. I slept with him. I made love to him…just like I’d once done before him…only that man I really loved back. I cried the whole time. He whispered he loved me & I said nothing. A life time’s worth of emotion…a thousand changes & a thousand heart breaks via guilt & fights & more…I am so tired…compacted in a year’s horror of up’s & down’s & all around!…suddenly…my true love who is now my finance…almost my husband since January…found me again only three days ago. Just like in the beginning…silent passion without words…love…for each other lived between us in the very house where it all shattered originally. He say’s…”I know what you’ve done & it’s my fault…I pushed you so far. We’ll be alright. I love you & you love me.” Its crazy & in comparison to the “norm” ridiculous! However its difficult to let go of. I’ve been so far for so long & so alone that I cant even remember how it really felt to be “us.” Does he feel the same? I say we need time apart to discover who we are again…as individuals. Come back to us & marry because our love…deeper than what we’ve ever felt…lives still…so hard within us & if meant to be…then so it will be! He say’s if I leave its over. We scream selfish at the other & that’s as far as we get. This is where it ends for now. I sign my lease on Thursday & he got approved for his house today. I asked him tonight if he still thought of us as engaged. He nods his head no as he folds clothes because it will make it easier in the coming days when he moves on his own…& that my decision. I’ve never taken off my ring. The one he is so quick to forgive yet refuses still to understand is me. It’s the guilt in me that confuses him. No matter what his heart say’s now…after all that he’s done for my life…how could I allow him to stay here like this? Dear God…I can’t take my engagement ring off. I’ve admired its symbolic beauty…thinking…I am so happy to marry the only man I’ve ever wanted to marry. I do not know what to do with it. Pawn it?...hardly! Hold it?...on the right hand?...tape it on a page to a scrape book that makes up the last seven years of my life? Place it in a box on a pillow…made just for it…so that every time I open it I see his face & hear his words…”marry me?”…with that same grin! Should I conjure a feeling and run into him right now…throwing boxes and folded clothes…being wild…just as we are…just as I once was…screaming I love you!...I love you! This is foolish…but more than what we are! Stay with me & I’ll stay with you! Am I in a mirage of bull****? (We do not want children!...do not worry! *Wink!*) I found this site by chance…thought of it as an out let at best. Here I am…late…tired…half drunk!...AA?...nah!...i know exactly why I drink...Healthy?...i hum that tune here so I am alright...that is about as healthy as it gets for now. Opinions..? do your worst! Lay it on me!... I am standing…nude in the same ocean that you've left me in…with the same fire!...Reaching out…lashing out…Loving…almost giving up but hanging on still! Tell me we’re damaged souls…tell me its unfortunate! Call me Crazy!...Call me baby! Call me whatever feels better…forever! Tell me to move on…that’s healthy right?...forget & spiral out! ~Our Vows...I wrote them...at least here they can be read... I ask of you to be my eternal partner, my best friend, my life love…my wife/husband. I declare my intention to give you my deepest friendship and love not only in your moments of high but when your moments fall low. I will be there not only when you remember clearly who are but also when you forget who you are. By your side I will stand, holding your hand, wrapped around my own, not just when you are acting with love but when you are not too. In our life together I will honor and respect you and our love. Each and every day I promise in front of God and our family and friends who are here now that I will always seek out the light within you. I will always seek to share the light within me no matter what darkness may come our way. I will be with you forever in Holy partnership of the soul so that together we will do God’s work, sharing all that’s good between us with those whose lives we touch.
Geishawhelk Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I'm really sorry. this post is far, far too long. That's why you've had no replies. Other than this one. my eyes glazed over at "life wasn't as easy then....." You need to transfer this to your journal, and maybe re-post a shorter version.
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