atzorvas Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 My ex broke up with me and we had 3 months NC. I was doing fine, she came back into my life, and we spent a weekend together and it was like old times. The next week..she told me on the phone that she loves me, one days wants to be with me, but she also needs more 'validation' that I'm the one and she wants to be herself and not get into a relationship. What do you all think this means? What should I be doing right now? I feel like she is having her cake and eating it to. I don't want anyone who isn't 100% interested in me but at the same time I love her and it just hurts alot sometimes..maybe I'm being too impatient? please help!!
lofi_tokyo Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Tell her if she loves you, she'll date you and let the relationship grow, and then she'll find out if you're the one. If she goes out with other guys, its not finding out if YOU are the one, its finding out if some OTHER GUY is the one. Very different things. The only way shes gonna get her validation is if she gives you a fair shot!
BackonTrack Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 she wants to explore. she wants to have sex with other people. your her fall-back guy. she is playing with you she is not coming back go NC the above post is called "game", maybe it will work, but it will be a temporary fix. whatever caused her to leave you will happen again unless you know what it was that made her leave.
Jake C Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 My ex broke up with me and we had 3 months NC. I was doing fine, she came back into my life, and we spent a weekend together and it was like old times. The next week..she told me on the phone that she loves me, one days wants to be with me, but she also needs more 'validation' that I'm the one and she wants to be herself and not get into a relationship. What do you all think this means? What should I be doing right now? I feel like she is having her cake and eating it to. I don't want anyone who isn't 100% interested in me but at the same time I love her and it just hurts alot sometimes..maybe I'm being too impatient? please help!! She says that one day she wants to be with you?? Why not now, if she knows she'll want you someday then shouldn't she want you now? She either wants you or doesn't, there shouldn't be any middle ground. Her saying that is putting you on hold, keeping you on the sideline till she's ready. Sounds pretty selfish to me, I wouldn't settle for that. I'm sure it feels good to be with her and have her back in your life, but I think it'll just cause you more pain to wait around for her. If I were you, I think I'd tell her it's an all or nothing deal. I'm sure being without her or not having her in your life will hurt, I'm feeling it as we speak. But I would tell her that until she is ready to be fully committed then you can't be with her or even friends with her. I would go no contact either until she is ready to be serious, or you no longer have any feelings for her outside of a platonic sense. I've been friends with ex's before but it was only after I had lost all romantic feeling for them. It's great she thinks you're the one, but you can't put your life on hold for her. I wouldn't try to pressure her into anything, that'll just reinforce her reason for breaking up and push her away. Just sit her down and explain that she can't have her cake and eat it too, that you're not going to wait. Why did she come back into your life? Why did you break up? How long was the relationship?
Sysyphus28 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 she wants to explore. she wants to have sex with other people. your her fall-back guy. she is playing with you she is not coming back go NC the above post is called "game", maybe it will work, but it will be a temporary fix. whatever caused her to leave you will happen again unless you know what it was that made her leave. Are you playstation? Are you someone's plan B?
Author atzorvas Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 Thx everyone I really appreciate the input. I called her and told her how I felt. I told her that I feel like a "back up lover" and she said that I shouldn't feel that way and that right now she wants to be free, not tied down, and it turns her off when I talk to her about this because she wants me to be independent. I guess maybe I come off as clingy to her. She also reminded me that she still feelings. What you all think? I love her too but this is all just so complicated and its disturbing my peace of mind. A part of me doesn't want to loose her, but I also want to be loved 100% not partially. Jake C I agree with you though, I'm not goin to pressure her but I think I should let her know that I'm not going to wait forever. She broke up with me 3 months ago, the relationship lasted 1.5 years and we went 2 months NC. We both got bored and lost interest and i start neglecting her so she got really resentful. Recently she came back into town (she goes to college which is 2 hours away from me) wanted to meet up, saw me and told me she really missed me...i dunno..maybe the fact that she saw me triggered some emotions in her (I know she finds me physically attractive). So right now I'm doing okay I guess. I hurt sometimes. During the 2 months NC I stopped hurting, stopped thinking about her ALL the time, and I was doing so good...its like I'm back to square 1 but the hurt isnt that bad..like I'm somewhat numb and it comes and goes in stages. Its really helpful to read all of your thoughts on this and your advice =)
BCCA Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Be very wary of anyone who replies with 'you shouldnt feel that way' because what that actuall means is 'you caught on and I dont want you to see whats happening because then my gig is up'. It turns her off when you talk about things because she knows shes being selfish, and it makes her feel guilty. She doesnt want to be tied down...is that how you like to see your role in her life? As some buzz-kill thats holding her back from having fun? What she is really saying is that she wants to have her cake and eat it, too, and she would like it if you didnt call her out on it. The crap about her wanting you to be independent is complete BS. If she wanted you in her life, why would she break up with you? If she planned on getting back together, why doesnt she care if youre going out with other people and could fall in love with someone else? I would draw a line in the sand, so to speak. Think about that you want/need from her, and if there isnt a comprimise made to make everyone happy, dont waste your time doing everything for her and on her terms. Thats flat out not fair. Its selfish, and shows little regard for you and your feelings. You dont have to be mean, come off angry, or demand any answers. But, you do need to let her know that it has to be a mutually beneficial situation or youre not interested. And hold your ground, dont let her get away with it, or shell keep trying until it stops working. You want this girl in your life in a commited relationship. Thats your goal. Dont accept anything that isnt leading up to that or youre only doing yourself more harm.
Lissie Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Hey, I understand the situation you're in completely, but I'm afraid I'm going to disagree with the previous replies. I have been in a similar relationship with someone, I broke up with him, and after 3 months he said he wanted to get back together. And my response to him was similar to your ex's response to you- I needed more time. What was your relationship like when you were together? Does she have 'stuff to sort out'? Because when my relationship started, I was going through some problems, and the break-up made me realise I'd never actually dealt with them. So the time was needed to do that and 3 months was just enough time for me to realise where the problem lay, but not enough to actually deal with it :s Where does she feel the blame for the break up lies? Because it's possible she blames herself and wants to work this stuff out so she doesn't risk messing it up again. I'd say you need to talk to her, and not just about your feelings, but about how she truly feels. And telling her that you are happy to take it slowly and see how it works out is a good idea. She's probably spending most of her time feeling guilty, missing you and wishing she could just get on with being your girlfriend again, I know that's how I feel about my ex anyway. And don't worry- you're not the back-up plan.
BCCA Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Hey, I understand the situation you're in completely, but I'm afraid I'm going to disagree with the previous replies. I have been in a similar relationship with someone, I broke up with him, and after 3 months he said he wanted to get back together. And my response to him was similar to your ex's response to you- I needed more time. What was your relationship like when you were together? Does she have 'stuff to sort out'? Because when my relationship started, I was going through some problems, and the break-up made me realise I'd never actually dealt with them. So the time was needed to do that and 3 months was just enough time for me to realise where the problem lay, but not enough to actually deal with it :s Where does she feel the blame for the break up lies? Because it's possible she blames herself and wants to work this stuff out so she doesn't risk messing it up again. I'd say you need to talk to her, and not just about your feelings, but about how she truly feels. And telling her that you are happy to take it slowly and see how it works out is a good idea. She's probably spending most of her time feeling guilty, missing you and wishing she could just get on with being your girlfriend again, I know that's how I feel about my ex anyway. And don't worry- you're not the back-up plan. I think your situation might have been different. I really dont see the logic behind telling someone you want to be with them someday, but you just need time to make sure theyre the right one. If she isnt sure hes the right one, then it would make sense that she couldnt say for certain that she will get back together with him. As Tokyo pointed out, getting validation has to come from him, not from dating other people. If she just didnt want to go full on into a relationship, but was suggesting/agreeable to being somewhat exclusive, then thats a different story. I mean, isnt she basically risking losing him for good? To me, thats not someone who is serious about keeping someone around. Most people, especially women (IMHO), wouldnt risk losing a guy they were unsure about unless they were like 70%+ convinced he wasnt the one. There is a HUGE difference between taking it slow and going along without any direction. If youre not on the same page now, whats going to change? Its one thing to give someone time and space, and its another to be a backup plan. You cant really expect the guy to hang around and wait for her word on when things can pick back up, especailly if shes out dating other people (I dont know that she is, Im assuming here). I agree that there are times when people need to get some things straightened out before they can commit, but thats entirely different from telling someone youre not sure theyre the one, maybe someday.
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