I am always the Rebound

[redant]

Not always, but in my past 4 relationships I was the rebound. The first one I kind of forced in the beginning. I wanted the relationship knowing he was not over someone. The next 3 began with them chasing me and then me falling for them. I was deeply hurt once these relationships ended and realized that they were all on the rebound. Each one was 4-5 months. Short I know.

 

I'm asking this because I'm so afraid I'm going to be stupid again!!

 

Any help is appreciated. I just thought there may be something that I don't see. How can I be so attracted to these types of hopeless relationships?

 

Thanks.

[Tony T]

People are very vulnerable when they are in pain or just out of a relationship that they could count on. You appear on the scene and it happens. You have to ask yourself and the other person questions about their exact status. It's not rocket science to cease beginning dating relationships with people who are just out of LTRs. Then again, maybe you get involved in the rebound deals because of a fear you have. After all, they're safe and you know in advance they most likely won't be keepers.

[redant]

Thanks Tony. Yea I was thinking I have some fear, but that fear leads me to get really hurt so. I don't know if I'll ever know why. I just want true love.. Thanks.

[Chinook]

I think the point that Tony alluded to is that in some way, your fear leads you to avoid that which you really want. You say you want true love (whether there is such a thing, is another debate) but actually by falling into the same situations, knowing these relationships are not likely to be for keeps, is almost like you're sabotaging the situation before it really gets started. You invest everything that you have within a situation, possibly knowing that it won't work out. For my 0.02p I dont think it's a fear exactly that you have. I think it's a self-esteem thing. I'm not saying yours is low... it may not be. But there is certainly something in you which draws you to people you seem to want to make happy, to heal them from their past hurts, you want to be the best thing to happen to them. In the short term, that happens whilst the new-relationship-energy is flowing. Once the dopamine levels in the brain drop a little, reality settles in and it becomes clear to one or both of you that it's really not what you both thought it was. The thing you have to ask yourself, why is it you find yourself in these situations...? Why does it keep happening and what can you learn from it..? Further, how can you avoid it or build a great, lasting relationship...? The last one I don't have the answer to, I'm not sure anyone does really. But the other answers you need to think about. Next time someone says to you when you've just met them that they only got out of a recent relationship less than 6 months ago... I'd walk away romantically.... until they have their head straight. Some of this is about restraint and being able to set boundaries for yourself. Some of it is avoiding the 'but if I don't date this person, someone else might not come along' feeling too. Take a break for a while. Sit back and relax about relationships. Work out who you are and what you want and require from someone before getting into their drama of recovery. When you see their flags rising, mentally walk away and trust yourself.

[redant]

Thanks for your reply. It may be a little of a self-esteem thing. I think I want to make things alright for people, I want to help them I think in the back of my mind. I once hated who I was and learned and grew to love myself some, although I am still hard on myself. I don't know I want to make things better for others in need. I want to help, because I've know what it's like to be down. I think when someone real comes along it frightens me alot. Although I have been really loved it's just like I said it's been many years. I eventually resent the other person though because they are not ok and not ready. Well please wish me luck. thanks!

[redant]

Let me know if anyone has anymore 2cents thanks!