Plagarized Love/Apology Letters From 3rd Party Sites?

[serenity420]

Hello everyone, I am new to this site.

 

I have a husband (Married 5 yrs) who can't for the life of him email/write to me without plagarizing.

 

He goes to places like lovingyou.com and letterlibrary and essentially copies, alters (a little) and sends them to me.

 

This makes me feel worthless and empty....and mistrusting if he really means what he chooses to copy and send to me.

 

These are oftentimes beautiful letters~ but it rubs me the wrong way to find out that he tries to pass these off as his own writings.

 

This feels like a betrayal to me~ stealing other peoples work and trying to make me think he wrote these himself when he hasnt feels wrong to me. Something in my gut tells me something is not right with this, but I cant figure out what it is yet.

 

We have a rocky marriage, and this does not help the situation at all.

 

It causes me to feel like he really has not much to say to me~ or he is too lazy to write anything from his OWN heart~ or he truly is just an unfeeling and unromantic man who doesnt know how to express himself~ or he simply doesnt care about the marriage anymore and this is his easy way of conducting his coorespondence with me.

 

I find out about these plagarizing letters by running a simple google search on them and poof, there they are~ already written by someone other than himself.

 

His true self writes in a completely different verbiage and style of writing~ so when these fake letters come in, I recognize them straight away and feel worthless.

 

He tends to pull this often~ but more often when we are having a rough spot.

 

Is this something to truly worry about or am I over-reacting?

 

I have never been involved in a relationship where a man does this....so, I am thrown for a loop what to think.

 

Any insight is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[norajane]

It's a little like sending greeting cards, I guess. He cares enough to send the very best!

 

Or today's version of Cyrano de Bergerac.

 

Perhaps he really is bad at expressing himself, so he pores over the different letters until he finds one that feels right.

 

I do think it shows he cares. He wouldn't bother to look for love letters to copy and send otherwise. He just wouldn't send you anything.

[Lookingforward]

I think maybe you should look at it as he is searching for a letter that says just the right words that he would write himself if he only knew how. (yes kind of like picking just the right card)

 

Would you rather he cut and pasted song lyrics? (I had a guy that used to do this and it eventually drove me up the wall LOL)

[quankanne]

look at the intentions behind the gesture – I'm sure you'll realize that he does this because he loves you and wants to share that with you even though he may feel he sucks at writing. Honestly? Many guys are like that, not used to communicating this way, so they use whatever means they can to do little things like write love letters that don't sound sappy. Heck, there are a lot of folks who cannot write effectively, it just amazes me, because it tends to come easy to me

 

We have a rocky marriage, and this does not help the situation at all.

 

are you sure you're not just looking for a reason to find fault because of the problems y'all have? Give him (and yourself) a break and just accept them as the gift of love that they're meant to be. You can always suggest later that you'd love something short and sweet from his heart just as much ...

[Ronni_W]

Although his intentions may be noble, I can totally see how that would pi$$ me off...IF it was a "rocky" relationship. It becomes just "another thing" to get all worked up over and feel angry/resentful about.

A card, at least he isn't trying to snow me about who wrote the words.

 

OTOH. It probably does take a helluva lot more time and energy to go hunting for these writings than just scribbling down words he may not have to think about too much -- I'd actually see it as him being the opposite of "lazy" about this.

Also, from his side, he is likely hoping to make you feel MORE worthy and worthwhile...but lacking in confidence of his own ability to do that. (Could be fearing his emotional inadequacy or his vocabulary incompetence or both...he may feel just totally emotionally illiterate.)

 

But. The part where you are doing it to yourself is that you insist on running it through google -- what is up with that?

What part of you does not just want to 'hear' the words and discover what he is trying to convey to you?

 

No matter the source of his words, are they really trying to message that you are worthless? Or have you just gotten into the habit of thinking about yourself that way, because of other issues and stresses?

 

In any event, have you told him that you know the real source, and that you understand he doesn't feel comfortable putting down too many words at one time, and you'd be more than happy with just ONE sentence that he hasn't copied?

[serenity420]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I appreciate the insight on both sides of the spectrum~ both the positive and the negative.

 

The thing that bothers me the most about this~ is when he mistreats me, he will suddenly pull off these beautiful letters and try pass them off as HIS OWN writings and expects me to go " Awwwwwww" and forgive him and everything be all better and hunky-dory.

 

This causes mistrust for me, because I feel like it is easier for him to go snag someone else's beautiful writing and he cant bring himself to reach into his own heart and type the words himself. I dont KNOW if he truly means the letters he selects or not.

 

The google search thing~ well, yeah.... in his normal pattern of verbiage and style of writing, I can tell his own writing VS the copied ones....

 

But, when he copies someone elses stuff, It is easy to spot, so I naturally wonder what is the source of it. So about a year ago, I googled a letter and discovered his pattern.

 

Please dont mistake me, I do NOT google every letter he writes... I have googled a few over the past year when I have sensed it just did not SOUND like HIM. I wanted to know the sources and wanted to confirm my suspicion that this is not HIS work. Something struck out to me over a year ago, that these letters just didnt seem right~ so a little googling helped. I dont know WHY I realized this and googled the few letters, but my gut told me , these letters just dont match HIM and his style.

 

Bottom line is~ it makes me personally feel like I am not worth his time to write from the heart. Taking other people's writings feels like a cop out to me.....as much as it must be time consuming for him....it still feels like a cop out.

 

It MAY very well be genuine love and a good faith effort~ he may feel inadequate and insecure with his writings and feels the need to use other people to give him a hand....that I will never really know~ His intentions, I will never really know. But it is sad. To me it is sad.

 

But for once, it would be nice to hear what he has to say all by his grown up and mature self rather than relying on other people to do the pre-made, ready to go work for him. Know what I mean?

 

Bottom line, is I dont know what to trust when an email comes in from him~ is it his heart, or is it just a fake pass off, easy way out when he mistreats me. I just dont know.

 

I hope I am making sense.

 

Thanks again for the replies, it is appreciated.

[Ronni_W]

it would be nice to hear what he has to say all by his grown up and mature self...

I dont know what to trust when an email comes in from him

Have you told him how you feel, and what you know about his emails? That's really all I can suggest to do.

 

 

PS: My g/f was wondering last weekend, where to find a "mature, grown-up man." And I said, "As much as I love my b/f...I really don't think such an animal exists." . Which is to say, maybe start off by accepting what he has to say/give from his own heart, in whatever way he can give/say it...whether or not it is somewhat (a lot?) under-developed.

[norajane]

I think, for some men, it IS very hard for them to express their feelings, especially if they've f*cked things up and have to say they are sorry and try to make amends. That's why they resort to sending flowers or other gifts...or find love letters on the internet.

 

I asked one of my guy friends why it's so hard, and he told me that it makes men feel like failures, because they made the woman in their life miserable. The bigger the f*ck up, the bigger the failure, and the harder it is to admit to it and make amends.

 

To strangers, on the other hand, they can apologize all day long, because those people don't matter. But to their wives and gf's, it's hard to admit they failed. I don't know if I totally agree with that, but I can see how it would play a part.

 

You know your H better than we do. Is he gifted with words, or not? Was he ever easily able to express his feelings of love for you, or not? If not, it shouldn't be surprising that he has a hard time with love letters.

 

I still maintain he's making an effort, and if he didn't care, he wouldn't bother sending anything at all.

 

I know you'd prefer his own words, but would you prefer no letters to letters he snagged from those sites (which, by the way, exist precisely for people who can't express themselves!)?