Setback, but I'm dealing.

[sunshinegirl]

Over the long holiday weekend, I went camping and climbing with my ex's friends. I knew there was potential for there to be triggers, but I steeled myself for it and promised myself I wouldn't ask about him or mention him at any point. I held up my end of the deal... but one of his friends, in non-malicious but non-thinking fashion kept mentioning him. Which only served to trigger me and get me thinking about the ex when I really didn't want to.

 

I suppose my take-aways from this experience are that:

 

• even douchebags still have friends;
  
• I was reminded what a hollow, tin man, he is;
  
• I've had to process anew my choice to pour love and energy into a black hole. For a year.
  

 

I'm feeling down tonight with the realization that he definitely has not pined over me or regretted his decision (he's still with the hooch). Yet I have spent much of the last 5 months pining over and missing him. He wasn't all that. If he were, he would have a conscience over cheating, he would feel remorse. Instead, when told by one of his friends that he was a jerk to me and very insensitive in how he ended things, he said "Yeah, I didn't handle it the best, but what am I supposed to do about it now?"

 

Screw you, Eric. I'm tired of mourning a fecking tin man, hollow man, empty man.

[lofi_tokyo]

Its been five months, some relationships still feel fresh and new and honeymoonish at that point. So it makes sense hes still with her. Give it time, it may take a year, or maybe even two, but a guy as insensitive as that? Can't really see a relationship lasting longer. Sounds like hes a guy that moves on easily, so he probably will with her at some point too.

 

If for some freak reason the end up married? Then good for his new girl - shes somehow managed to have standards so low, shes happy with anyone, even a heartless guy.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks, Tokyo. It's so strange that I still have trouble seeing him for who he is (heartless), instead of the wonderful man I thought he was. I am mourning more the fantasy of the relationship I wanted with him, than the actual relationship we had.

[lofi_tokyo]

Thats the realization I came to with my ex too. I kept painting our future in my mind, a good one. AND! I kept holding onto the great things he did, and ignoring all the red flags I was getting for MONTHS, since like, month 4 of our 2.5 yr relationship. I absolutely fabricated one guy in my head, and it was only when he left me for another woman that my poorly stitched dreams came undone.

 

I think though, deep in my heart, I knew the truth about him. But I lied to myself, I glossed over it to my friends, just in general painted it better than it was.

 

So you're not alone in doing that. Sometimes, I still grieve over imaginary boy. As for the man he really is? Well his new woman can have him. ;p

[sunshinegirl]

So how have you come to see him as he really is?

 

It's as though my brain has some kind of short-circuit in it: the sting of being rejected by such a morally challenged, emotionally blank human being still kills me. I think I romanticize what we had and were as a way to cope with the fact that I stayed with him for so long even when the flags were waving all around me. *I* should have been the one to reject him; instead, I fabricated a sense of closeness and intimacy with him that was, simply put, never there. We spent all kinds of time together, but it never deepened over time. Yet I still fell in love with him, and now struggle with reconciling that against the cardboard cutout of a man that he is.

 

I'm surprised how messed up I can get from even indirect contact. I'm obsessing all over again about what happened between us and why. Other broken-hearteds who may be reading this: take it as a warning of what ANY kind of contact will do to you!

[kizik]

SSG,

 

good to see you. I hope that you did yourself the favor of telling the dude who kept mentioning your ex, to please STOP it. I am sorry you are recently feeling re-triggered. You need to do whatever you CAN do to avoid going back to that dark place - you know, the one with all the WHYs, the WHAT HAPPENEDs, etc.

 

5 months, right? Same for me. I want you to know that I think about my exgirlfriend every day, still, and that while I wish I didn't, I am not ashamed to have a heart. Like I once told you, you did nothing wrong. All you did was love him.

 

I'm doing amazing, relatively speaking, and it sounds like if you can get your head out of that negative space (which seems spurned on by indirect contact), you will be doing better than you could have imagined.

 

Josh

[lofi_tokyo]

So how have you come to see him as he really is?

I guess, deep down I always knew it, you know? We had some amazing moments, but at the same time, my heart always felt heavy around him. Its hard to explain. I took the good things and ran with it, I lied to myself, and I glossed over facts to friends, I stitched the tiny bits of good into a big protective quilt that covered up the ****tyness inside him. So... how did I come to see him for who he really was? I guess I just pulled off the quilt. When I think of the good times, I think - yes, they were wonderful, I cannot deny - BUT they were surrounded by red flags. For every good thing I clung to there were multiple red flags. So when I find myself thinking about the good - I drown them out with the red ;p.

 

It's as though my brain has some kind of short-circuit in it: the sting of being rejected by such a morally challenged, emotionally blank human being still kills me. I think I romanticize what we had and were as a way to cope with the fact that I stayed with him for so long even when the flags were waving all around me. *I* should have been the one to reject him; instead, I fabricated a sense of closeness and intimacy with him that was, simply put, never there. We spent all kinds of time together, but it never deepened over time. Yet I still fell in love with him, and now struggle with reconciling that against the cardboard cutout of a man that he is.

 

The bolded part is how I feel too. There were so many points where I KNEW I needed to dump him, where I KNEW I was ashamed to admit I payed so much more money (we were in a LDR) on plane tickets etc than he did. I convinced myself I liked it, I convinced myself I didn't mind paying - it was like my vacation from my home town! There were so many red flags, and this one book my best friend gave me (that her ex gave her as a form of dumping her) called "hes not really that into you" became my worst enemy. I HATED that book, because it gave me reasons to leave my ex, told me he wasnt worth my time. I ignored it all, and loved him more instead.

 

There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake. I've done it, you've done it. Now we can learn. In the future, both of us will have higher standards. I convinced myself when I was dating him I was a woman of standards, but I lied to myself. Now, I have my moxy back because of my mistakes. Amen!

 

So... its okay to admit you made up someone. The sooner you fully accept it, the better. I'll be here for you any time you need, because... hearing I'm not the only one makes me feel better, like... its human, and not as shameful as I thought. Maybe, by helping eachother, by helping others who have made our mistake, or are currently making our mistakes, we can gain our dignity and pride back. So... lets do it Be strong, and help others be as well, admit the reality and love ourselves... because we forgot how to while we were loving our fantasy boys.

[sunshinegirl]

SSG,

 

good to see you. I hope that you did yourself the favor of telling the dude who kept mentioning your ex, to please STOP it. I am sorry you are recently feeling re-triggered. You need to do whatever you CAN do to avoid going back to that dark place - you know, the one with all the WHYs, the WHAT HAPPENEDs, etc.

 

5 months, right? Same for me. I want you to know that I think about my exgirlfriend every day, still, and that while I wish I didn't, I am not ashamed to have a heart. Like I once told you, you did nothing wrong. All you did was love him.

 

I'm doing amazing, relatively speaking, and it sounds like if you can get your head out of that negative space (which seems spurned on by indirect contact), you will be doing better than you could have imagined.

 

Josh

 

Kiz/Josh --

 

So great to see you here! Thanks for dropping a note, and thanks for the encouragement. I sometimes feel like a$$ for not being 100% over him yet, but I am mostly being hard on myself. Yes, the stupid indirect contact has messed me up. I'm still dealing with the dregs of that, but hopefully I will be able to get my head out of the negative space before too long. It sucks, big time.

 

Are you back on the dating scene yet? What else are you doing these days?

[sunshinegirl]

I guess, deep down I always knew it, you know? We had some amazing moments, but at the same time, my heart always felt heavy around him. Its hard to explain. I took the good things and ran with it, I lied to myself, and I glossed over facts to friends, I stitched the tiny bits of good into a big protective quilt that covered up the ****tyness inside him.

 

Wow, that is a really good description of my experience, too. I saw flags from the first day, but there was enough good (read: enough chemistry) to ignore and downplay the bad. I too often felt "heavy" with him...mentally dragged down almost. I think my subconscious was busy trying to process what was wrong, why we weren't connecting at any deeper level. I kept just trying to accept that he doesn't empathize with people, doesn't like people, isn't compassionate. As a friend put it last night, how could someone as warm as me be with someone as cold as him? I don't know, but I figured out some way to make all the jagged edges fit.

 

Strangely I still held back emotionally for 8 or 9 months. I did a decent job of taking it "a day at a time" and not thinking too much about our future... until around Thanksgiving time last year when I consciously realized (decided?) that I loved him. As soon as I crossed that emotional threshold, I was a goner. Completely open and vulnerable to him even though he wasn't returning the same level of emotion. I chalked it up to him being 'wounded' and stoic and just not a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I didn't stop to think that his heart was in lockdown mode even if he went through all the motions of being committed to me and our relationship.

 

The bolded part is how I feel too. There were so many points where I KNEW I needed to dump him, where I KNEW I was ashamed to admit I payed so much more money (we were in a LDR) on plane tickets etc than he did. I convinced myself I liked it, I convinced myself I didn't mind paying - it was like my vacation from my home town! There were so many red flags, and this one book my best friend gave me (that her ex gave her as a form of dumping her) called "hes not really that into you" became my worst enemy. I HATED that book, because it gave me reasons to leave my ex, told me he wasnt worth my time. I ignored it all, and loved him more instead.

 

I was definitely more generous than him in gift giving... and in some ways I was his sugar mama (he liked to joke about that, actually, which bothered me). I once read He's Just Not That Into You - I'm a little rusty on the contents but I don't think Eric did any of those hot/cold behaviors in the book. He behaved consistently, and like he wanted to be with me and commit to a future with me...so I was sure he was mine. But it turns out there was little emotional depth or emotional commitment to me on his end.

 

There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake. I've done it, you've done it. Now we can learn. In the future, both of us will have higher standards. I convinced myself when I was dating him I was a woman of standards, but I lied to myself. Now, I have my moxy back because of my mistakes. Amen!

 

So... its okay to admit you made up someone. The sooner you fully accept it, the better. I'll be here for you any time you need, because... hearing I'm not the only one makes me feel better, like... its human, and not as shameful as I thought. Maybe, by helping eachother, by helping others who have made our mistake, or are currently making our mistakes, we can gain our dignity and pride back. So... lets do it Be strong, and help others be as well, admit the reality and love ourselves... because we forgot how to while we were loving our fantasy boys.

 

I need to remember that I made him up. I need to remember that I'm mourning the fantasy boy. Thanks for the support - I am sure I will need more of it during this recovery process. I can't wait to reach the enlightened state of indifference... but I'm not there yet.