In_waiting Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Hi, I just found this site and looking to meet some people in the same situation. I met my MM about three years ago. Almost exactly six weeks after meeting him, we made love. It has been a roller coaster ride since then. He has plans to leave in the next 4-6 months. He also says he plans to marry me following his mandatory separation period prior to being able to divorce. Usually I am very happy with everything in my relationship other than the usual frustrations from some of the limitations on our contact. I am looking so forward to being able to date him openly. I am very nervous about the next phase of our relationship though. Will be needing the advice of someone that has been there done that.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 The next couple of months or longer will be stressful. It will probably consume much of your waking moments. You will wonder if he really will leave or not. Whether he does or not, the topic will dominate your conversations much of the time. Try not to fall into that. Make your R yours. How has your R changed that you think he is ready to leave?
Author In_waiting Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 Well, the closer we get the more anxiety I feel about it. He told me about a year and a half ago that it would probably be 5-6 years before he would leave. I believed him, but in the back of my mind I wondered if he could really do it. He is one of those that wants everyone to be happy, and in this situation that is impossible. He kept telling me he would prove to me that he would do it. He was very understanding about my reluctance to completely believe. In the last few months he has told me that he cannot wait that long. And, in the last week has given me a more definite window of time. You are right, much of our time is spent dwelling on our future. He and I both find ourselves saying, "I can't wait until...." I love him so much, and the closer this gets, the more nervous I get. It's weird, but with the EMA, I know where things stand. In this new phase, there is so much uncertainty. So many questions; how will BW behave, will she fight for him, will he stand firm, how will the children handle it?? The answers to these question will form our future. Thank you so much for your reply
wildsoul Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Hello and welcome to the group! I'm just a little bit ahead in the sense that my MM separated about 7 weeks ago. We haven't been together as long as you though. We met last January. When he moved out, it was a HUGE sigh of relief. I've been playing it cool, trying to give him some space to adjust, and I know that we have lots more ahead of us. But it is SO much better. I've also noticed that with each step comes a little relief and also a little anxiety. Sort of like once we get past one hurdle, I notice the next one. I try to remember to chill out and enjoy each step's progress. There is progress...and it's good. Keep posting here too! It really helps to work through stuff.
crazy love Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Hi all! I've been shuffling through reading posts to find some support. I am the OW, very happy with MM, we're actually both married (not to each other) with kids, as u can imagine it is very complicated, but we have managed to make it work for 3 years now. I am more in love with him than ever and our R seems to grow stronger everyday. Just curious as to how the whole separation from W came about for you all. I have to admit I do fantasize about him one day leaving (on his own without me prodding him to do so), and us sharing our lives together. We vacation together whenever we can and it always feels so right coming home to him and waking up to him, just the small things u know. I just wonder are there ever tell tale signs that your MM might be thinking about leaving.
Mino Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Somebody PLEASE tell her, deadlines means nothing.... Pleeeaasseee... somebody tell her it will get worse (rollercoaster ride) Somebody Please tell her that, things are never that easy.. Am I having a bad day or what???
GreenEyedLady Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Somebody PLEASE tell her, deadlines means nothing.... Pleeeaasseee... somebody tell her it will get worse (rollercoaster ride) Somebody Please tell her that, things are never that easy.. Am I having a bad day or what??? You're so funny... OP: Deadlines mean nothing, unless you enforce them...
Mino Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 You're so funny... OP: Deadlines mean nothing, unless you enforce them... Thanks Gel!!!! AAAHHHH I feel better now.....hmmmmm:)
Mino Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 You're so funny... OP: Deadlines mean nothing, unless you enforce them... OHH Gel, can we tell here about the fun rollcoaster ride?? Please???? lol
Mino Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 You're so funny... OP: Deadlines mean nothing, unless you enforce them... and and ..... Please Gel... we should, shouldn't we... ???????
GreenEyedLady Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 The roller coaster. The intensity of the ups and downs is so great it will leave you breathless. One minute you can be so happy and the next so incredibly sad. And then he does actually leave, the roller coaster becomes a 100x's worse. There's so much at stake, the stress is so great, the change so dynamic, the fear that he will change his mind; all of it can be overwhelming if you let it. I was very lucky that that part of it didn't last very long and as soon as they moved out, and we moved in together, we were instantly stable and secure. They both knew the M was over and she didn't want to save it either. So she hasn't interfered or done some things that BS's sometimes do. It seems that she is happy to not be married to him any longer. Lots of OW have to deal with the MM feeling conflicted and going back and forth, but thankfully that wasn't part of my situation. If you have one that's conflicted, then it will be a rough road. And there is the possibility that he'll go back.
crazy love Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Hey GEL and Min, not sure if you were responding to my post or not??? I haven't set any "deadlines" as of yet, don't think I would be likely to either, as I wouldnt appreciate him setting one for me. I suppose I would leave though if I knew we would end up together. I was just wondering if you saw it coming at all, the MM leaving W. Did it take a deadline or did he make that decision? Was this something you discussed? I guess I feel like I would be crossing the line by bringing up the topic of leaving. I would just really like for him to decide on his own to leave his W. Maybe I am naive to think that my MM would ever come to that conclusion without me forcing him to choose. So much has happened between us that I never even thought possible, somehow we both seem to just find a way. I've always thought it unlikely that he would leave, but the way things have progressed, he seems just as devoted as me if not more so to us staying together. anyways thnx for reading and sharing. CL
crazy love Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 k so i'm prety sure u were responding to the original post now after re-reading it! HA. Anyways just thought I'd add that GEL if you don't mind me asking, how long has it been for you since he left W?
Author In_waiting Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 I guess the deadlines was directed at my saying that he plans to leave in 4-6 months. It is not really a deadline. It is just what he has told me. Although, now that he has put that out there, I am not sure I would wait much longer than that. I have to be able to trust him, and if he says he is going to leave and does not, that takes away my trust in him.
crazy love Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 InWtng, yes I can see how that would disrupt your trust in him. I mean if you say you're going to do something than do it. Do you think maybe he is telling you this cause he thinks it is what you want to hear, or is it genuine? I suppose only time will tell.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I was just wondering if you saw it coming at all, the MM leaving W. Did it take a deadline or did he make that decision? Was this something you discussed? CL I actually thought I would leave and find someone else. That's the way it would have gone if he hadn't pulled his head out of his, you know. We discussed him leaving at length pretty much since I found out his status. He gave himself a deadline, that I pre-epmted. I asked his intentions he said he couldn't make the deadline and so I said goodbye. He couldn't live without me and so he did what he needed to do. I think you should discuss it with him or he won't think about leaving, period.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 GEL if you don't mind me asking, how long has it been for you since he left W? He told her it was over a little over a year ago and they moved out 10 months ago. We've been living together since. But we've also been together nearly 4 years now. So it's not like we didn't know each other and we spent considerable time together and met each other's friends, etc. The divorce is recently final. First time I've said that. Feels good.
crazy love Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Hey GEL, wow. I'm happy and just slightly envious! j/k I admire your strength to leave. I don't think I'm that strong yet to follow through and actually leave and I don't want to go throwing open threats around u know. I think we (he and I) are both at a stand still in our M. For me I know it is over with my H but I'm still here for whatever reasons I have, afraid to move on maybe, I'm not sure. Same with MM, there's clearly nothing there with W xept his kids, that's what's keeping him there. But I almost feel that he is wanting more, as am I. We have met each others friends, and fam, talk everyday as much as possible, spend as much time 2gether as we can, we are very compatible, it's been over 3 years now and I love this man thru and thru. I just wish I knew that if I took that leap, it wouldnt end what we do have. I'm not sure if I'm ready to chance that yet. It's almost as if I'm afraid to discuss it because I'm afraid of what I might or might not hear. It seems as yours occurred pretty naturally on its own, (the D) we've actually NEVER had the "discussion" about D before now that I think of it. We really don't discuss our M's at all to be honest, like we just want to pretend it aint so or something. I do feel things are progressing and definitely changing, I just hope the end result is us together.
crazy love Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 He told her it was over a little over a year ago and they moved out 10 months ago. We've been living together since. But we've also been together nearly 4 years now. So it's not like we didn't know each other and we spent considerable time together and met each other's friends, etc. The divorce is recently final. First time I've said that. Feels good. wow. I'm happy and just slightly envious! j/k I admire your strength to leave. I don't think I'm that strong yet to follow through and actually leave and I don't want to go throwing open threats around u know. I think we (he and I) are both at a stand still in our M. For me I know it is over with my H but I'm still here for whatever reasons I have, afraid to move on maybe, I'm not sure. Same with MM, there's clearly nothing there with W xept his kids, that's what's keeping him there. But I almost feel that he is wanting more, as am I. We have met each others friends, and fam, talk everyday as much as possible, spend as much time 2gether as we can, we are very compatible, it's been over 3 years now and I love this man thru and thru. I just wish I knew that if I took that leap, it wouldnt end what we do have. I'm not sure if I'm ready to chance that yet. It's almost as if I'm afraid to discuss it because I'm afraid of what I might or might not hear. It seems as yours occurred pretty naturally on its own, (the D) we've actually NEVER had the "discussion" about D before now that I think of it. We really don't discuss our M's at all to be honest, like we just want to pretend it aint so or something. I do feel things are progressing and definitely changing, I just hope the end result is us together. sorry 4 the repeat...just learned how to quote...YAY
Author In_waiting Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 InWtng, yes I can see how that would disrupt your trust in him. I mean if you say you're going to do something than do it. Do you think maybe he is telling you this cause he thinks it is what you want to hear, or is it genuine? I suppose only time will tell. I do believe he is being honest. But, as you say only time will tell. I tell him all of the time, that I believe he believes he is going to do everything he says he is going to do. My fear is that when it comes right down to it, that he will have trouble disrupting his children's lives. He is a very compassionate person, and I am sure it will be difficult to be the source of pain for BW and children. I have to remind him that the marriage did not come to this state without any help from her as well. They both bear some responsibility in the demise of the intimacy and subsequent demise of the marriage.
Mino Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Hey GEL and Min, not sure if you were responding to my post or not??? I haven't set any "deadlines" as of yet, don't think I would be likely to either, as I wouldnt appreciate him setting one for me. I suppose I would leave though if I knew we would end up together. I was just wondering if you saw it coming at all, the MM leaving W. Did it take a deadline or did he make that decision? Was this something you discussed? I guess I feel like I would be crossing the line by bringing up the topic of leaving. I would just really like for him to decide on his own to leave his W. Maybe I am naive to think that my MM would ever come to that conclusion without me forcing him to choose. So much has happened between us that I never even thought possible, somehow we both seem to just find a way. I've always thought it unlikely that he would leave, but the way things have progressed, he seems just as devoted as me if not more so to us staying together. anyways thnx for reading and sharing. CLHi Crazylove... We had many "moveout dates...I guess I shouldnt call them deadlines. These were dates we set together. The reason I say roolercoaster is because when these dates arrived, he could not follow through. We both believed in them... He did as much as I. In 4 years,We had about 10 dates... 3 of them were he moved....So just be careful... with your heart... It breaks each time a bit more...
wildsoul Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 In 4 years,We had about 10 dates... 3 of them were he moved....So just be careful... with your heart... It breaks each time a bit more... Mino, I forgot that your guy had moved out so many times then moved back. I'm exasperated for you. No wonder you're being a little sarcastic in this thread. I'd be crushed if my guy moved back again. What's the next step for you too then? Is it an action or does a certain amount of time need to pass to make you feel more secure?
wildsoul Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I guess the deadlines was directed at my saying that he plans to leave in 4-6 months. It is not really a deadline. It is just what he has told me. Although, now that he has put that out there, I am not sure I would wait much longer than that. I have to be able to trust him, and if he says he is going to leave and does not, that takes away my trust in him. Don't get caught up in selective hearing. It's easy to hear something as a promise, when he's only thinking out loud. He might also say things such as "I don't know when," but then it's easy to dismiss that and just hear what you want. Or he might put more emphasis on the parts that make it sound like he is leaving to keep you connected while he actually decides. Perhaps you might say to him something like, "I was thinking about when you said you might leave in 4-6 months. Are you still seriously thinking about that, or were you just talking about possibilities? Because you mentioned a potential time line, it got me thinking too. I liked the idea of us being together by then. I also realize that if it were going to be more than 6-mos, that it might be too long for me." Gently let him know that you might need a time-line, not to force him into an ultimatum, but that you wouldn't feel good about waiting more than that. Gently, but clearly. He needs to know that your clock is ticking too. Do you know when your meter expires?
crazy love Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Don't get caught up in selective hearing. It's easy to hear something as a promise, when he's only thinking out loud. He might also say things such as "I don't know when," but then it's easy to dismiss that and just hear what you want. Or he might put more emphasis on the parts that make it sound like he is leaving to keep you connected while he actually decides. Perhaps you might say to him something like, "I was thinking about when you said you might leave in 4-6 months. Are you still seriously thinking about that, or were you just talking about possibilities? Because you mentioned a potential time line, it got me thinking too. I liked the idea of us being together by then. I also realize that if it were going to be more than 6-mos, that it might be too long for me." Gently let him know that you might need a time-line, not to force him into an ultimatum, but that you wouldn't feel good about waiting more than that. Gently, but clearly. He needs to know that your clock is ticking too. Do you know when your meter expires? Good point Wild Soul. I agree, most men tend to bulk at the slightest sign of being forced, it's all in the wording.
crazy love Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Hi Crazylove... We had many "moveout dates...I guess I shouldnt call them deadlines. These were dates we set together. The reason I say roolercoaster is because when these dates arrived, he could not follow through. We both believed in them... He did as much as I. In 4 years,We had about 10 dates... 3 of them were he moved....So just be careful... with your heart... It breaks each time a bit more... Mino, Gosh I can only imagine how hurtful that would be. My MM is very devoted to his children there's 3 of them 15; 12; and 9. I don't think he'd ever leave, at least not until the youngest gets a bit older. I guess u never do know, but I honestly couldn't imagine having him all to myself, just to have him leave, my heart goes out to you that must have been just aweful. I also can't imagine him not in my life. I did break up w/him once, He didnt like it one bit but respected my decision. I just felt guilty about us, i wasnt trying to make him leave W. So I had NC for about a year. My feelings just grew more intense for him until finally I just decided having some of him is better than none. Can't tell u how long that part time deal will suffice for me though, we'll see. I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. How are things with you now?
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