Serenity35 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Hi all, I am a divorced single parent of 3 boys. They live full time with me and the biological Father sees them very little. I am living with a wonderful man, probably the Man of my dreams, for the past year & 1/2, he also has 3 kids, which spend every weekend with us. Our house is crazy on the weekends, and my only day off work is Sun. Lately, I have been graving the solitude of having no one around on Sunday's, you know laying on the couch watching movies, not getting out of the PJ's all day, peace and quiet. I have an opportunity to spend Sat nights and Sunday's alone at my parents house every other week..I have expressed my desire to do so, but my B/F is taking it like he and his kids should move out. Am I being selfish and letting me family and extended family down by following through on this? The quilt of even thinking like this has already set in.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 If my live-in told me that they wanted to spend two Saturday nights a month away from me and our (shared) kids, I'd send them packing. With all their stuff.
Ronni_W Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Am I being selfish and letting me family and extended family down No, I don't think you are being selfish at all. It is extremely important to have the freedom (from guilt, especially) to be able to refresh and rejuvenate you mind, body and soul in ways that YOU need to do it. Others may feel "let down" but that would be based on their own misguided thoughts and beliefs. It's your self-obligation and self-responsibility to take care of you, too. Or you will become a haggard, miserable individual filled with resentment and pissed off at the world (and partner, especially.) There are lots of women (and some men) here at LS who did NOT take proper care of their own needs, and now blame all their unhappiness and insecurities on their partner. You don't need to choose such an outcome for yourself. BUT. There's a difference between self-care and perhaps just running away from appropriate responsibilities. Have you looked at how you and partner are parenting? Is the underlying problem possibly that the grown-ups are letting the children have the run of the house? Also. I agree with LonelyAndFrustrated that it doesn't feel 100% fair (to me) to leave your partner with 6 kids every other weekend. There must be a better compromise that you two can ultimately reach. For the moment, I would be focusing on negotiating for ONE rejuvenating break each. A lot will depend on how you present your needs to him and the kids, and letting them know that it is YOU who is just starting to feel worn-down and tired-out...that you love them exactly the same as you have always done, and you want to take proper steps to ensure that you always will have the same amount of energy and enthusiasm so that you can give them your 100% best. Best of luck. You deserve a break. It's about HELPING the rest of your family see that, and letting them know it is perfectly okay for them to need their own breaks, too.
Geishawhelk Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 If my live-in told me that they wanted to spend two Saturday nights a month away from me and our (shared) kids, I'd send them packing. With all their stuff. No, I think maybe she has a point. But she should extend the same priviledge to him. Combined families are a testing thing to have to deal with. There are so many dynamics in play, and it means everyone feels pulled and challenged, until things settle. Sometimes (more often they do) but sometimes they don't. Everyone has the right to a little bit of me-time, peace and quiet, some while to re-charge the batteries. The stresses and strains of bringing kids up well, in this day and age are pretty heavy. To do it virtually single-handed is doubly tough. It needs mature discussion and give and take. To combine two families anyway is no mean feat.... To be given a bit of time to go at your own pace is really not an unreasonable request....
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 To be given a bit of time to go at your own pace is really not an unreasonable request.... Oh, I'm not even implying that it's an unreasonable request to be given a bit of time...but I'm a hardliner on the overnights. I think that's a little over the line. An afternoon, an evening, all freaking day long, but if you want to sleep (wink wink) elsewhere, be gone from me.
Geishawhelk Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 ..... but if you want to sleep (wink wink) elsewhere, be gone from me. Where do you get the impression that she wants to 'wink wink' sleep elsewhere...? She sounds too ruddy knackered to 'wink wink' anywhere!
Author Serenity35 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 loneyandfrustrated, you are so totally wrong! Sleeping around is the last thing I am thinking of! I don't have the energy for the man I have, lol! Let me back up to a couple of months ago, My oldest son broke his back in 3 places in a dirt bike accident, then a couple of weeks after that my B/F broke his leg seriously, requiring surgery to repair all the damage. In the last couple of weeks, an addiction to drugs and alcohol has been discovered,(the same son who broke his back), partner this with working full time, taking care of a house, 6 kids, and playing nurse..Yeah a part of me wants to run, but my love for my kids and B/F keeps my feet firmly planted.. Ronni, you are awesome, you explained exactly how I am feeling, and thats how I explained my wants to my B/F. I think he totally understands, but I did explain to him that this would never work unless my kids went to their Dads for the night. I would never be able to leave knowing I left him to look after my kids, it would not be fair and the guilt I would feel, would certainly prevent me from enjoying my evening away. My intention is not to run away from responsibilties, it is to take a break from them.
Ronni_W Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 thats how I explained my wants to my B/F. I think he totally understands, PERFECT! Now. How do we get you all packed and ready for your 'Weekend of Bliss'??? That is, will you call your kids' Dad, or shall I? Seriously. Do start making plans before you are totally too exhausted to do anything but stare into space and drool! And work on eliminating that "guilt thing" you got going on. This isn't JUST for your own soul and sanity...it is also very much about maintaining your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual good health, so that you can continue to support, nurture and encourage all your loved ones. PS: Wow! You've been through a LOT in a very short while. No wonder you're feeling completely drained. Sending prayers for complete healing and recovery for all of you. (And a special prayer that your son will get to the bottom of the issues that needed drugs & booze to suppress the feelings.)
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