serialgf Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 ugh! i think this thread is more of a vent because i know what i should do (i think) but its not what i want to do and i have such a hard time exerting self-control.... okay so i've been dating this new guy for oh 2-1/2 weeks and i honestly think i am falling in love with him. he has all of the qualities i am looking for in a guy - smart, sensitive, artistic, independent, loving, caring, attractive, older/mature. i can honestly say that i have never felt this positive and hopeful in a relationship before but i know it is WAY too early to tell him that i love him. i always say "i love you" too soon and for the first time i plan on waiting for the right time. the question is, when's the right time? how long to do you wait to drop the L bomb? advice guys.... i feel like i am sick Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 how long to do you wait to drop the L bomb? This may sound like semantics, but don't refer to saying ILU as "the L bomb"... usually "bombs" blow up which is not what you want. 2-1/2 weeks is way too early to know whether you are in love. Ideally, wait until he says it first. In the meantime, just enjoy the moment, be open to his advances, appreciate him, and just be youself. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 Don't say it if you don't mean it or really feel that love.. 2.5 weeks is kinda early... It takes longer to have a car worked on at a body shop then your relationship is old.. I'm not saying you don't love him.. I'm saying you need to let those feelings simmer some to be sure they are real... Link to post Share on other sites
Author serialgf Posted October 14, 2008 Author Share Posted October 14, 2008 This may sound like semantics, but don't refer to saying ILU as "the L bomb"... usually "bombs" blow up which is not what you want. hehe... good point 2-1/2 weeks is way too early to know whether you are in love. Ideally, wait until he says it first. In the meantime, just enjoy the moment, be open to his advances, appreciate him, and just be youself. yes after i posted my question i thought to myself that since i know how i feel maybe i'll just wait until he says it. we're both kind of hopeless romantics so i have a feeling it won't be too too long... Link to post Share on other sites
konfuzd Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 Years ago, someone on LS gave me a wonderful quote in regards to a situation I was in, I wish I could remember who it was, and if they're still active, but none the less, she said, "you don't fall in love, you fall into holes; you must grow into love." I've always kept that in my mind when evaluating a situation in order to ground myself a bit. Sure, the infatuation phase is fun and exciting, but it's not until you can relax and show 100% of your true colours and be confident that he is doing the same that you know it's real love. All loving relationships start somewhere, so this could very well be the seed of love, but if that's the case, you will have a lot of time to figure that out, so what's the rush? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 I never say it first. I never have. It may be self-protection, but it works for me. And actually, until he says out loud that he loves me, I hold some of my own feelings back. Again, self-protection. Link to post Share on other sites
jadedone Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 What if neither party is willing to budge and say it first? My current GF and I were both dumped over the summer by our respective ex's after dropping the L bomb. I know I don't want to say it first, and I'm pretty sure my GF doesn't want to say it first either. It's only been two months so i'm not worried about it yet, but not too long from now things could be different. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 There is no way that you can know whether you love someone after 2.5 weeks. You don't even know who the person is! People are always on their best behaviour in the beginning of a relationship. You are too busy trying to prove how fabulous you are to even realize that there are things about the other person you may not like. I can pretty much guarantee that if you say it now, it is going to backfire on you. I even waited 5 months to say it once and that backfired on me! Take your time and let things blossom naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
flc Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 It is interesting question. Love in English is used a lot and has many different meanings from what you feel for your dog to someone you want to spend your life with. This makes it difficult because you may love someone at a certain level but not at the level of wanting to get married and spend your life with them. The romance languages are much better for this than English. For instance in Spanish saying mi amor (my love) is acceptable for friends and for someone you are dating, saying te quiero (I love you) is like mi amor but slightly deeper and good for when you have feelings for someone that are more than friendship. Then you have te amo (I love you) which is I want spend the rest of my life with you. Much easier to convey how you feel about someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serialgf Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 Years ago, someone on LS gave me a wonderful quote in regards to a situation I was in, I wish I could remember who it was, and if they're still active, but none the less, she said, "you don't fall in love, you fall into holes; you must grow into love." I've always kept that in my mind when evaluating a situation in order to ground myself a bit. Sure, the infatuation phase is fun and exciting, but it's not until you can relax and show 100% of your true colours and be confident that he is doing the same that you know it's real love. All loving relationships start somewhere, so this could very well be the seed of love, but if that's the case, you will have a lot of time to figure that out, so what's the rush? i really like this advice... very wise... but i guess the reason i think i'm in love with him is because i already feel like we can totally be ourselves together and our true selves seem to match right up... do you know what i'm trying to say? anyone feelin' me on this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author serialgf Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 It is interesting question. Love in English is used a lot and has many different meanings from what you feel for your dog to someone you want to spend your life with. This makes it difficult because you may love someone at a certain level but not at the level of wanting to get married and spend your life with them. The romance languages are much better for this than English. For instance in Spanish saying mi amor (my love) is acceptable for friends and for someone you are dating, saying te quiero (I love you) is like mi amor but slightly deeper and good for when you have feelings for someone that are more than friendship. Then you have te amo (I love you) which is I want spend the rest of my life with you. Much easier to convey how you feel about someone. interesting... i'm actually colombian and spanish is my first language so maybe this is why i'm always dropping the bomb too soon... i think i am going to hold off on saying just because i feel confident enought that i don't need to say it for any particular reason another interesting anecdote related to this thread that just happened this morning: okay so both of us have in the past two years gotten out of 6-7 year relationships that were just soul-crushingly horrible and we both talk about our ex's not to excess but just telling each other horror stories kind of... well i was telling him this morning about how my ex made me feel like noone was ever going to love me again and how i felt that no other cute, blonde, rich boy was ever going to love me again and that's why i didn't want to let him go (okay, i will admit this was not the best thing to say) and his response was, "well i'm not rich..." and i was like "well you don't love me either do you?" to which he just looked at me, smiled and said nothing.... i really regret the rich comment, i was trying to make a point about being a little latin immigrant girl in love with the white american dream and admittedly i'm a bit dramatic when i talk but what do you guys think this means??? i am so confused its only been almost three weeks but it feels like we've been together for years.... am i just in deep infatuation or what? Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 There isn't a time period to say it, if you feel it say it, care not for the time you say it, just say it. People fall in love all kinds of different time periods. No, don't say it too early because then he'll turn out to be a jerk and you'll have that L bomb out there already and...... These guys get comfortable one they hear that. You don't want him getting comfortable right now. Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 interesting... i'm actually colombian and spanish is my first language so maybe this is why i'm always dropping the bomb too soon... i think i am going to hold off on saying just because i feel confident enought that i don't need to say it for any particular reason another interesting anecdote related to this thread that just happened this morning: okay so both of us have in the past two years gotten out of 6-7 year relationships that were just soul-crushingly horrible and we both talk about our ex's not to excess but just telling each other horror stories kind of... well i was telling him this morning about how my ex made me feel like noone was ever going to love me again and how i felt that no other cute, blonde, rich boy was ever going to love me again and that's why i didn't want to let him go (okay, i will admit this was not the best thing to say) and his response was, "well i'm not rich..." and i was like "well you don't love me either do you?" to which he just looked at me, smiled and said nothing.... i really regret the rich comment, i was trying to make a point about being a little latin immigrant girl in love with the white american dream and admittedly i'm a bit dramatic when i talk but what do you guys think this means??? i am so confused its only been almost three weeks but it feels like we've been together for years.... am i just in deep infatuation or what? See, now a Latin lover would have been told you that he loved you by now. Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 "well i was telling him this morning about how my ex made me feel like noone was ever going to love me again and how i felt that no other cute, blonde, rich boy was ever going to love me again and that's why i didn't want to let him go." You are going to have a problem getting this guy to love you b/c you don't seem to love yourself. Your guy probably thinks that you're a Latin Queen and soon he will start to see that you disagree and he won't be interested. Don't tell him anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serialgf Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 "well i was telling him this morning about how my ex made me feel like noone was ever going to love me again and how i felt that no other cute, blonde, rich boy was ever going to love me again and that's why i didn't want to let him go." You are going to have a problem getting this guy to love you b/c you don't seem to love yourself. Your guy probably thinks that you're a Latin Queen and soon he will start to see that you disagree and he won't be interested. Don't tell him anything else. Excuse me now? Okay i wouldn't go as far as to say i don't love myself - i have a very high self-esteem. My ex just got me feeling like noone was ever going to love me again - and to clarify that's how i felt in the PAST, like after i broke up with the ex. I've been able to mend the wounds and i do feel that i'm worthy of being loved... I really don't think my guy thinks I'm a "Latin Queen"... what the hell does that mean anyway? Okay I won't say anything to him again... how bout that? Just kidding, but yeah i'm not planning on telling him i love him..... yet. Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Excuse me now? Okay i wouldn't go as far as to say i don't love myself - i have a very high self-esteem. My ex just got me feeling like noone was ever going to love me again - and to clarify that's how i felt in the PAST, like after i broke up with the ex. I've been able to mend the wounds and i do feel that i'm worthy of being loved... I really don't think my guy thinks I'm a "Latin Queen"... what the hell does that mean anyway? Okay I won't say anything to him again... how bout that? Just kidding, but yeah i'm not planning on telling him i love him..... yet. You know most Senorita's think very highly of themselves. That's the beauty of them. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 2 1/2 weeks... girl you may be in serious like.. but love? Takes time to build real love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serialgf Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 2 1/2 weeks... girl you may be in serious like.. but love? Takes time to build real love. really though? i mean who's really to say that? what proof is there? i mean, haven't you heard of people who meet and they just know the other person was the right one? i feel like i hear old people who've been married for like 80 years saying that kind of stuff.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author serialgf Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 You know most Senorita's think very highly of themselves. That's the beauty of them. you have a very funny outlook allstar! and thanks, i'll take that as a compliment... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 i mean, haven't you heard of people who meet and they just know the other person was the right one? But those people don't love one another after just meeting.. they may call it love but it isn't... It may be the beginning of the love that will form when you get to know someone.. IMO... it takes at least 3 months before someones quirks that they are keeping stiffled will show themselves.. It could be a nasty temper that he is keeping at bay.. it could be that he is selfish.. it could be anything really... It also could be nothing.. and he might be perfect... People keep their walls up and put forth someone slightly different that they really are in the beginning.. We all do.. so if you think you know this guy after 2 weeks I can pretty well guarantee you that you don't.. Does he have a jail record ?.. has he ever been mean to a child before or hit another woman ?... Does he treat his Mom and sisters rudely ?.. Does he pay his child support on time and is he nice to his ExW ? How does he react to stress and pressure ? Do you even know if he is commit freaky or even ready for a love relationship ? These type of things come out later.. not earlier in a relationship... Again.. I'm not trying to say you don't love him.. or that he is a bad guy.. because honestly I don't know him and he probably is the greatest guy.. I am also one that believes if you love someone that you tell them.. but in this case he might get a little freaked out if you throw out the love word so quickly.. Remember that the candle that burns faster and hotter also burns out quicker. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serialgf Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 you're very wise art_critic and i'm glad to be getting your input on this... i am taking what you say very seriously and again i repeat that i am not planning on messing this up by telling him i love him too soon... even if this may turn into real love, that would just mess everything up... i agree with that. all that being said, even though we've only been together 2.5 weeks we have done a LOT of talking, and here are some answers for you. i'd love to get your perspective on things But those people don't love one another after just meeting.. they may call it love but it isn't... interesting... hadn't thought of it that way It may be the beginning of the love that will form when you get to know someone.. IMO... it takes at least 3 months before someones quirks that they are keeping stiffled will show themselves.. Does he have a jail record ?.. he was in jail once for pot has he ever been mean to a child before or hit another woman ?...no Does he treat his Mom and sisters rudely ?.. no he is very kind to his mom and he has an older sister and younger sister who he loves.. he wants me to talk to his older sister on facebook so we'll get "proof" then. he also said he wants to introduce me to his family Does he pay his child support on time and is he nice to his ExW ? he's never been married. he has an exgf who he was with for 8 years. they don't have any kids and even though she was horribly abusive to him, destroyed all of his books, a lot of his artwork and beat him physically he still has kind words to say about her being intelligent etc though he is also angry with her for being so horrible. they broke up 2 years ago so he has some baggage from this R but also has worked through a lot of it. How does he react to stress and pressure ? he is very positive and calm. he is an optimist, which i really enjoy because so am i. i lead a very very busy life as an actor on top of my full-time job and he's been driving me around a lot and is just always so patient and kind... Do you even know if he is commit freaky or even ready for a love relationship ? both of us are really good at being in long term relationships. he hasn't had a girlfriend in two years and hasn't slept with anyone in 8 months (except of course me now) and appears to be ready to be in a relationship. if anything, both of us are trying to be careful not to move too fast because its both of our downfalls.... hence this thread.... I am also one that believes if you love someone that you tell them.. but in this case he might get a little freaked out if you throw out the love word so quickly.. i totally agree... i'd really like to wait for him to say it first...i just wish time could go by faster Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 I think there is no universal definition of love, Love is what YOU think it is and what YOU make it. If you feel like you love the guy, then no one can tell you that you don't. But just remember that those words, if they are real, will sound exactly the same and will have the exact same effect, if you say them now or you say them 6 months from now. It never hurts to wait in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 you're very wise art_critic and i'm glad to be getting your input on this... i am taking what you say very seriously and again i repeat that i am not planning on messing this up by telling him i love him too soon... even if this may turn into real love, that would just mess everything up... i agree with that. all that being said, even though we've only been together 2.5 weeks we have done a LOT of talking, and here are some answers for you. i'd love to get your perspective on things Serialgf.. it seems like you have your head on your shoulders... Your eyes do seem wide open.. good for you... I would like to comment on two areas.. one is that you might want to look up the public records on him to see if the pot charge was indeed just a pot charge and not something else.. If it was really just a pot charge then really who cares.. non violent.. if it was more then you might want to reconsider things some.. and the other thing is that honestly his previous relationship may have been abusive.. but it also may not have been.. Keep an eye for other red flags relating to this.. I'm not try to paint a bad picture of the guy but keep in mind that only 14-18 days have passed that you have known the guy... I was a physically abused husband myself in my first marriage so I understand that he could carry some baggage but I also understand that sometimes the abuse knife can also cut both ways.. My saving grace was the marriage counseling that I was in well before the divorce helped me straighten myself out with respect to what abuse I was undergoing.. Good luck with everything.. I hope the love you found is a good one and sticks Link to post Share on other sites
XuserX Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 you could always go with "I think im falling in love with you mr.x" if in fact thats how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
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