Jealous of SO's bi ex

[tanbark813]

I think this is the first post I've made about a problem with my current gf. We've been together 6 months now and so far it's been pretty smooth sailing. A few tiffs but no major fights.

 

The night I met my gf she was with her friend, C. Early into dating I found out that she has had relationships with girls and that C is actually an ex. This made me a bit uncomfortable as they're best friends as well and my gf doesn't have many friends but I didn't really say anything.

 

A few weeks later my gf had a falling out with C--who was actually planning on moving out of state--and they stopped talking. I was sympathetic but deep down, to be honest, I was a little relieved.

 

Fast forward to about a month ago. C contacts my gf out of the blue to get some stuff back. They met up for lunch to exchange things and basically made up. My gf was honest with me about all of this. C moved out of state a little bit after they met up and they've been in close contact since then.

 

It bothers me a little that they're talking and I didn't really say anything at first but recently I've kind of joked about C being my gf's gf. At one point my gf said she thinks a part of me is jealous to which I fully admitted. She reassured me that there is no romantic feelings on her part toward C.

 

I basically just let it go but then last night on Facebook (yes, I use Facebook; don't judge me ) C and my gf exchanged a couple comments joking about getting back together, and C trying to get her back, and laughing about it.

 

This really bothered me and I texted my gf (we communicate MUCH more via text message than phone conversation).

 

Me: "The comments between you and C aren't really cool. If I were chatting with an ex and joking about getting back together you would go apesh*t. ;)"

 

To give some background, my gf is EXTREMELY jealous. Even my female friends she really has a problem with. It can be taxing but I also personally find it a little endearing. But the messages on Facebook bothered me not just because of the nature of them but also because I find it a little hypocritical how jealous and territorial my gf can be.

 

Her response: "Wow. That level of insanity just wiped out every nice thing I had to say to you. Delete the messages then. You have my password."

 

I wrote back saying that it's not insane to not be comfortable with an SO chatting with an ex and that it's even normal to be a little jealous. I also said that I figured of all people she would be sensitive to that.

 

She responded that she's sorry the comments upset me but that they weren't directed toward me and said that she's hurt that I don't trust her despite the fact that she spends all her time and money trying to see me (which she does, really).

 

I replied stating that it wasn't about trust and if I didn't trust her we wouldn't be together. I said it's about respect and what's appropriate within a relationship.

 

Thoughts? Am I really being insane or is the situation a little out of line?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

No, I think it is about respect. You're not married, so the boundaries aren't as firm, though.

 

If you approached her by saying she's a hypocrite, then you deserved the face-full of backlash you got, dummy! You shoulda played the 'hurt puppy' card.

[Geishawhelk]

can I ask...

Does C's sexual persuasion make you feel uneasy because it might seem to be a threat you can't compete with?

Does this kind of attraction make you feel uncomfortable...?

 

None of this is criticism.

It's just to give you more clarity and a way of approaching your GF.

 

"You know, you're right to be mad at me, I was a jerk. But to confess, this makes me feel really uncomfortable because......"

 

Kind of thing....

[pretty professional]

I would never date a bisexual. ..... When they're out with their friends, you don't know what's really going on because going out with the "guys" or "girls" is not as innocent as it sounds.

[Art_Critic]

A couple of things...

 

You should be mildly upset.... She should exorcise the EX...

 

The bigger issue is that you shouldn't let this be a deal breaker..

It isn't worth getting all bent out of shape over.. She was honest and up front.. you called her on the comments about the FB page...

 

From here you should smooth it over and let it go.. you acted like the man she wants but there isn't a need to move to jerk status..( not saying you are being a jerk.. just saying that you don't need to go down that route and make things worse )..

 

The other thing is...

 

Are you creating any undo drama in order to end it with her ?.. it has been 6 months and maybe you get uncomfortable if things last too long and look for a way out prematurely..

[tanbark813]

No, I think it is about respect. You're not married, so the boundaries aren't as firm, though.

 

This is getting on a tangent but, IMO, they are as firm. I look at LTR's as kind of an audition for marriage and take them seriously. If a woman couldn't or wouldn't establish those boundaries pre-marriage, then it would never lead to marriage at all.

 

can I ask...

Does C's sexual persuasion make you feel uneasy because it might seem to be a threat you can't compete with?

Does this kind of attraction make you feel uncomfortable...?

 

Yes and yes. I'd actually feel less threatened by a male since we're competing on the same playing field.

 

You should be mildly upset.... She should exorcise the EX...

 

Well I don't expect her to just stop talking to C. C is a good friend and even sent me an email about the situation basically telling me not to worry.

 

The bigger issue is that you shouldn't let this be a deal breaker..

It isn't worth getting all bent out of shape over.. She was honest and up front.. you called her on the comments about the FB page...

 

From here you should smooth it over and let it go.. you acted like the man she wants but there isn't a need to move to jerk status..( not saying you are being a jerk.. just saying that you don't need to go down that route and make things worse )..

 

The other thing is...

 

Are you creating any undo drama in order to end it with her ?.. it has been 6 months and maybe you get uncomfortable if things last too long and look for a way out prematurely..

 

Good points, A_C, but I have no intentions of breaking things off right now. I didn't want or expect that this would be that big a deal. It turned into something bigger than it ever should have been. But it was something that bothered me that I needed to get off my chest.

 

As a whole our relationship is great. I haven't seen any red flags regarding her fidelity and she's been upfront and honest with me.

 

It's also important to note that since I started posting on LS, I don't think I've ever made it to month 6 with a gf without multiple posts on here.

[tanbark813]

Tanbark you have every right in feeling the way you do, it sounds like someone is trying to muscle in on your relationship. Don't let your girlfriend try and play things down just coz it's a woman. It doesn't matter, you won't let a male do that, so don't let a female do it either.

 

I honestly don't think C is trying to steal my gf away. But I do agree with the bolded part. IMO an ex is an ex is an ex, regardless of gender.

[Geishawhelk]

Yes and yes. I'd actually feel less threatened by a male since we're competing on the same playing field.

In that case, i think you need to step up to the mark and confess this makes you uneasy.

You have nothing against bi-sexual people but you feel this is a threat to your relationship you feel out of your depth about... could she help you see how silly that is, and tell her it's because you love her so much, that you feel helpless....?

 

Well I don't expect her to just stop talking to C. C is a good friend and even sent me an email about the situation basically telling me not to worry.

 

Hmmmm....that alone worries me.... but take it as read. Especially combined with my input above.....

 

 

 

.....As a whole our relationship is great. I haven't seen any red flags regarding her fidelity and she's been upfront and honest with me.

 

It's also important to note that since I started posting on LS, I don't think I've ever made it to month 6 with a gf without multiple posts on here.

 

*Thumbs up!*

[tanbark813]

In that case, i think you need to step up to the mark and confess this makes you uneasy.

You have nothing against bi-sexual people but you feel this is a threat to your relationship you feel out of your depth about... could she help you see how silly that is, and tell her it's because you love her so much, that you feel helpless....?

 

Well I already did tell her that I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation but she said she has no romantic feelings for C. The issue today was more about the lack of respect and hypocritical nature of the comments.

 

Hmmmm....that alone worries me.... but take it as read. Especially combined with my input above.....

 

I know it sounds lame but the email was pretty lengthy and C seemed genuine.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

This is getting on a tangent but, IMO, they are as firm. I look at LTR's as kind of an audition for marriage and take them seriously. If a woman couldn't or wouldn't establish those boundaries pre-marriage, then it would never lead to marriage at all.

Well then you have your answer re: this girl, eh?

[whichwayisup]

Tanny, how long ago did they break up? Obviously more than 6 months ago, but how recent was their break up before you two got together?

 

Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd be abit jealous too.

 

To give some background, my gf is EXTREMELY jealous. Even my female friends she really has a problem with. It can be taxing but I also personally find it a little endearing. But the messages on Facebook bothered me not just because of the nature of them but also because I find it a little hypocritical how jealous and territorial my gf can be.

 

Her response: "Wow. That level of insanity just wiped out every nice thing I had to say to you. Delete the messages then. You have my password."

 

Level of insanity? It wiped away all the nice things she had to say to you? WTF is that supposed to mean?

 

I wrote back saying that it's not insane to not be comfortable with an SO chatting with an ex and that it's even normal to be a little jealous. I also said that I figured of all people she would be sensitive to that.

 

Exactly! Since you said she doesn't like the idea of you having female friends, that aren't even ex's!

 

It's kind of ironic that she has downplayed this 'ex' of hers yet she has no qualms about being jealous when it comes to you and your female friends..

 

I'm not saying she's going to go back to the ex, but even joking about it IS a red flag. SHE may not be interested, but who knows about ex and her real intentions.

 

Hate to say it, but many people who are bi-sexual DO prefer one sex over another, and if she is leaning more towards women than men (do you know how many female relationships she's been in compared to men relationships?) then you two more than likely won't work out. Sorry to be a pooper here, but just keep your eyes open.

[norajane]

Tan, I think you surprised her and she reacted defensively. She probably hadn't realized she was overstepping your boundaries.

 

She'll give it some thought now and probably realize that you have a point. And if she respects your feelings, she'll keep her friendship with C, but be more careful about anything that seems to keep the door open between them.

 

If she doesn't, then you know she not the right girl for you.

[Star Gazer]

I really don't like her, "That level of insanity..." bit. REALLY don't like it. That too was disrespectful, and would make ME go apesh*t.

 

I think your concern is totally justified, and I think you handled it well. I'd be concerned that you even had to point out her behavior, to be honest. She doesn't seem to think there's a boundary there...it wasn't "directed AT" you, and therefore it's okay? Hmm. Her comment about being upset that you don't trust her given the effort she puts into seeing you isn't persuasive, IMO. That's classic cheater-speak.

 

How did she respond about the "it's about respect" response?

[Chinook]

Tan, no offense but I really don't think at the end of a relationship that you can be 'just friends' with the other person. Don't underestimate the impact this friendship could have on your relationship with your GF. Afterall, they share history, history which doesn't include you... which can be devisive in a relationship. Really, if this was a guy, would you be happy for this level of friendship to continue..? I'm not saying it's your call to ask your GF to step it down, but I do think this is a level which is inappropriate and both your GF and her ex-GF are using the fact that it was a female-female relationship to down-play the intensity of something they do, in fact, still share. If it was me, I wouldn't like it at all. I'm with Stargazer. I don't like this situ.

[tanbark813]

Tanny, how long ago did they break up? Obviously more than 6 months ago, but how recent was their break up before you two got together?

 

Yes, it was 3 years ago.

 

Level of insanity? It wiped away all the nice things she had to say to you? WTF is that supposed to mean?

 

I don't know. I expected some defensiveness but that was much more volatile than I expected.

 

It's kind of ironic that she has downplayed this 'ex' of hers yet she has no qualms about being jealous when it comes to you and your female friends..

 

Yeah, that's the biggest problem I have with all this. Double-standards like that really rub me the wrong way.

 

Hate to say it, but many people who are bi-sexual DO prefer one sex over another, and if she is leaning more towards women than men (do you know how many female relationships she's been in compared to men relationships?) then you two more than likely won't work out. Sorry to be a pooper here, but just keep your eyes open.

 

I know she's been with more men than women and I also know she's been in longer relationships with men. Her longest was 5 years and they came close to getting married.

 

I do think she prefers men over women. She's very sexual and very feminine.

 

She'll give it some thought now and probably realize that you have a point. And if she respects your feelings, she'll keep her friendship with C, but be more careful about anything that seems to keep the door open between them.

 

If she doesn't, then you know she not the right girl for you.

 

Yeah, we haven't spoken since about noon. I'm basically just giving her time to cool down and also giving myself a breather to not say something stupid and make things worse.

 

How did she respond about the "it's about respect" response?

 

She basically said if I can't compromise with her then maybe there's nothing left to be said. But I don't know if she meant about this or about another thing she brought up in the previous text message: We live about an hour away from each other and she lives with her parents so she almost always drives out this way. She brought that up and said she "does all the driving" as in she contributes more to our relationship but I pointed out that I do most of the paying for activities.

 

I told her I appreciate that she's driving out here and that she comes to see my band's shows but she didn't respond. Not long after that I noticed the offending Facebook messages were deleted so I sent a message saying I appreciated that but she didn't respond to that either. I haven't heard from her since about noon and am just leaving the ball in her court at this point.

[johan]

Seems like she shouldn't be upset about the guys in your past then. Cuts both ways, right?

[amaysngrace]

Relax Tan. If she likes men more and you're a man then you have a head's up over C. Now you just have to chat her up like a woman would by being emotionally expressive and you got no worries.

 

Apologize to her and get all mushy-gushy with your feelings and tell her how much it bothered you because you really like (love?) her. So it struck a nerve.

 

I wouldn't call her tonight though. I'd wait until tomorrow night at least.

[Ariadne]

Hey Tank,

 

Nah, seems pretty normal to be upset after reading something like that. After all, they were dating before and are joking about getting back together.

 

But still, I believe they can say whatever they want in their messages. Not sure how is that your business.

[tanbark813]

I'm not saying it's your call to ask your GF to step it down, but I do think this is a level which is inappropriate and both your GF and her ex-GF are using the fact that it was a female-female relationship to down-play the intensity of something they do, in fact, still share.

 

Yeah, it's almost like a relationship loophole in a sense.

 

Seems like she shouldn't be upset about the guys in your past then. Cuts both ways, right?

 

I will never downplay our love, big boy.

 

Relax Tan. If she likes men more and you're a man then you have a head's up over C.

 

Yeah, I don't necessarily disagree with you but at the same time, it's like Chinook was saying: it seems like she can get away with more because it was a woman instead of a man.

[tanbark813]

But still, I believe they can say whatever they want in their messages. Not sure how is that your business.

 

The messages are publicly displayed comments. If they're going to joke around in private then, yes, I can't really do anything about that. But to joke around publicly struck me as insensitive and disrespectful.

[pretty professional]

Bis are really into threesomes and this whole thing could be a setup to get you to do a threesome with them. I was asked by this bisexual woman I had become acquaintances with if I would be interested in a threesome with her and her boyfriend. Bis are into that and I think this is a setup for that, seriously.

[amaysngrace]

 

Yeah, I don't necessarily disagree with you but at the same time, it's like Chinook was saying: it seems like she can get away with more because it was a woman instead of a man.

 

I understand that but gauging from what she said it seems she thought you were more open-minded than you are being about her preferences and whatnot. Although she's using it to her advantage.

 

I would just let her know it bothers you as if C was a guy. While I agree that it was very disrespectful of her I think she seems more concerned with you not being who she thought you were more than her acting stupid on a blog.

 

She was wrong to do that. She probably knows it which is why she took it down. But stay true to you. Let her know how much it bothers you. She's not with a bi-man. She can't know what it's like to be in your shoes. Try to help her understand.

[Citizen Erased]

Bis are really into threesomes and this whole thing could be a setup to get you to do a threesome with them. I was asked by this bisexual woman I had become acquaintances with if I would be interested in a threesome with her and her boyfriend. Bis are into that and I think this is a setup for that, seriously.

 

If that was their intention, the threesome would already have happened. Safe to say it is not necessary to have an elaborate setup when we're talking about 2 girls wanting to bone one guy at the same time. I fail to see how messages on Facebook could lead you to that conclusion...

[Star Gazer]

I don't think C's gender matters given that Tan's GF is bi-sexual, nor that she tends to favor men more. Fact of the matter is that she had a romantic relationship with this person, and publicly disrespected him in a pretty insensitive way.

 

Tan - when you said she said, "There's nothing left to be said..." my gut reaction wasn't that she was talking about this OR the driving thing, but in ending the relationship.

[pretty professional]

This is not rocket science, Citizen. They know he looks at the facebook and it's putting ideas of girls on girls into his head, he goes "hmmm, I'm the boyfriend....ummm??? 3some here? uhhhh"

 

I'm not kidding about this. It is spoonfeeding the idea, putting it out there. This is the beginning stages. This exchic is even emailing him, making a connection with Tan herself.

 

If that was their intention, the threesome would already have happened. Safe to say it is not necessary to have an elaborate setup when we're talking about 2 girls wanting to bone one guy at the same time. I fail to see how messages on Facebook could lead you to that conclusion...