Lynx331 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I need help. My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We are both 21 years old. She is my first “very serious” girlfriend. Alittle bit of her background includes a father who was never really there for her, repeatedly cheated on her mother… would hit her mother. She dated a guy for 5 years and he both physically and mentally abused her. So when I met her after the had been broken up for almost 6 months she had already been “seeing” another guy which was her rebound. So then we met.. and started talking. We would hang out all the time, sitting in my car after work for 7 hours doing absolutely nothing but talking. We ended up having sex.. and it continued like that for a while.. til one day I found out she had slept with 2 other people I work with while we were “hanging out”. Long story short she apologized, I came to terms with the fact that this guy she was with had beat her down to where she felt like nothing, and then when all of these guys would throw themselves at her things just happened. So I forgave her.. and after a month asked her out. Things were pretty rocky for a little while but then the got better. Now here we are 7 months later and here is my current problem. She ended up breaking up with me for no reason whatsoever.. so I told my family and friends about it. Come to find out they were so happy they couldn’t contain themselves. My parents, my neighbors, all my friends, couldn’t understand why I stayed with her, and were excited and relieved to hear we broke up. She has came back and apologized and said she made a horrible horrible mistake. Said she would change her ways no matter what as long as it meant she could have me in her life.. and I said number one I have to be able to do something I need to do and not have you make me feel guilty for that.. she agreed and said ok. 2 days later.. she made me feel guilty because I was eating dinner with my parents and giving my dog and bath and I didn’t drop what I was doing to go talk to her. THEN she told me she EXPECTED me to drop what I was doing and immediately come to her… which I guess would be my fault because I had did it in the past. Now that I sit back and look at our relationship this is what I see… She has cut away almost all of my friends… especially the ones that are girls..She is upset/mad/depressed atleast 4-5 days a week…for atleast 5 minutes. Everything has to be her way, if things don’t go her way she makes it a point to make sure I would feel bad that things went my way and not hers. She would often make me feel guilty for not wanting to do what she wanted, so 90% of the time I would give in and do what she wants. I never got to do anything I wanted.. I gave up the gym.. and lost 20 lbs of solid muscle I had worked so hard for, I took apart my car back in june for a job that should have taken maybe 7 days.. it is now october and it still isnt finished since I could never work on it. She went through a period of time where she was sad and depressed and lost her job.. and would not go out and find another one.. saying she didn’t want one… so I took care of her buying her gas.. food etc.. which actually tapped me out pretty good to the point where I wasn’t able to save a dime. She has no job drive.. she says she will worry about a job when she is married or has a financial responsibility.. Right now she has one part time job… she has been offered to work another part time job so she could have 2 part time jobs.. but she says shes not ready to work two part time jobs.. even tho they would only total 30 hours per week between the both of them. She dropped out of beauty school which she blames on her ex boyfriend.. so she has to pay off her school even tho she didn’t finish. I just don’t understand why she has no drive and motivation.. and even through all this I have stayed and tried to help her tried to make her a better person tried to make her want things. Here is my problem… I cant stop thinking about her.. is it possible to be in love with someone who is totally wrong for you? My parents actually went to the extreme of calling me naïve and an idiot if I go back to her. Why is she still all over my mind.. why do I want nothing but to be with her?? Why am I blinded? I am so lost… I am not sure what to do.. my heart wants to be with her… but EVERYONE around me sees all these problems. My best friend said he would have said something but he didn’t want it to come between me and him. And im glad he did it.. cuz I probably would have stupidly sided with her.. I just don’t understand.. I feel like this girl is my bestfriend.. I can talk to her for hours or just sit in a room doing nothing with her and have a great time… Why do I still feel like I want to be with her.. even tho EVERYONE around me thinks it’s a bad idea?? i just cant help but miss her, and care about her, and wonder if shes doing ok, or if she will meet some jerk who will mistreat her What if shes the one for me, and I listen to everyone and don’t go back then I loose her forever? Can someone please give me some advice.. thank you for reading this I know it was long, and believe me I apreacite your time! Thank you!
UnamedSeven Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I need help. My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We are both 21 years old. She is my first “very serious” girlfriend. Alittle bit of her background includes a father who was never really there for her, repeatedly cheated on her mother… would hit her mother. She dated a guy for 5 years and he both physically and mentally abused her. So when I met her after the had been broken up for almost 6 months she had already been “seeing” another guy which was her rebound. So then we met.. and started talking. We would hang out all the time, sitting in my car after work for 7 hours doing absolutely nothing but talking. We ended up having sex.. and it continued like that for a while.. til one day I found out she had slept with 2 other people I work with while we were “hanging out”. Long story short she apologized, I came to terms with the fact that this guy she was with had beat her down to where she felt like nothing, and then when all of these guys would throw themselves at her things just happened. So I forgave her.. and after a month asked her out. Things were pretty rocky for a little while but then the got better. Now here we are 7 months later and here is my current problem. She ended up breaking up with me for no reason whatsoever.. so I told my family and friends about it. Come to find out they were so happy they couldn’t contain themselves. My parents, my neighbors, all my friends, couldn’t understand why I stayed with her, and were excited and relieved to hear we broke up. She has came back and apologized and said she made a horrible horrible mistake. Said she would change her ways no matter what as long as it meant she could have me in her life.. and I said number one I have to be able to do something I need to do and not have you make me feel guilty for that.. she agreed and said ok. 2 days later.. she made me feel guilty because I was eating dinner with my parents and giving my dog and bath and I didn’t drop what I was doing to go talk to her. THEN she told me she EXPECTED me to drop what I was doing and immediately come to her… which I guess would be my fault because I had did it in the past. Now that I sit back and look at our relationship this is what I see… She has cut away almost all of my friends… especially the ones that are girls..She is upset/mad/depressed atleast 4-5 days a week…for atleast 5 minutes. Everything has to be her way, if things don’t go her way she makes it a point to make sure I would feel bad that things went my way and not hers. She would often make me feel guilty for not wanting to do what she wanted, so 90% of the time I would give in and do what she wants. I never got to do anything I wanted.. I gave up the gym.. and lost 20 lbs of solid muscle I had worked so hard for, I took apart my car back in june for a job that should have taken maybe 7 days.. it is now october and it still isnt finished since I could never work on it. She went through a period of time where she was sad and depressed and lost her job.. and would not go out and find another one.. saying she didn’t want one… so I took care of her buying her gas.. food etc.. which actually tapped me out pretty good to the point where I wasn’t able to save a dime. She has no job drive.. she says she will worry about a job when she is married or has a financial responsibility.. Right now she has one part time job… she has been offered to work another part time job so she could have 2 part time jobs.. but she says shes not ready to work two part time jobs.. even tho they would only total 30 hours per week between the both of them. She dropped out of beauty school which she blames on her ex boyfriend.. so she has to pay off her school even tho she didn’t finish. I just don’t understand why she has no drive and motivation.. and even through all this I have stayed and tried to help her tried to make her a better person tried to make her want things. Here is my problem… I cant stop thinking about her.. is it possible to be in love with someone who is totally wrong for you? My parents actually went to the extreme of calling me naïve and an idiot if I go back to her. Why is she still all over my mind.. why do I want nothing but to be with her?? Why am I blinded? I am so lost… I am not sure what to do.. my heart wants to be with her… but EVERYONE around me sees all these problems. My best friend said he would have said something but he didn’t want it to come between me and him. And im glad he did it.. cuz I probably would have stupidly sided with her.. I just don’t understand.. I feel like this girl is my bestfriend.. I can talk to her for hours or just sit in a room doing nothing with her and have a great time… Why do I still feel like I want to be with her.. even tho EVERYONE around me thinks it’s a bad idea?? i just cant help but miss her, and care about her, and wonder if shes doing ok, or if she will meet some jerk who will mistreat her What if shes the one for me, and I listen to everyone and don’t go back then I loose her forever? Can someone please give me some advice.. thank you for reading this I know it was long, and believe me I apreacite your time! Thank you! Wow that took me 20 minutes to read. Ok well i would suggest that you give her another shot. Your in a position where you want to still have feelings for her. If it comes down to it, try and borrow money to pay off most of the expenses. Do whatever it takes so that you can be with her, despite everybody else.
DeePee Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I'm sorry, but I think that's the worst bit of advice I've seen on this forum. A girl who has promised multiple times to change, and failed to do so, will need more time away from you to truly better herself. In fact, she may never change at all while you're in the picture in any way, friends, lovers, whatever. As much as you feel and love her, you need to let this one go. At least for a while. Do your own thing, like work, hobbies, friends, and even other girls. She knows your weakness, and that is your desire/need to help her and take care of her. This is a VERY unhealthy relationship. You both are young, and both of you need to mature. This will not happen if you two are together. I've been in this scenario, not exactly like it, but close enough to know first hand.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 is it possible to be in love with someone who is totally wrong for you? Yes. Love is not enough. You both are young, and both of you need to mature. This will not happen if you two are together. 100% correct. She sounds like a huge burden. Let her go.
TigerCub Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Seems to me like you're paying for someone else's mistakes. The guy she was with before abused her and broke her down to ***** and now that you're nice to her, she doesn't know how to deal with it, she's completely taking advantage of the situation because she's never had anything like it before. She hurts you and makes all these mistakes and promises to change and yet she doesn't. Don't let her manipulate you and end up screwing you up like she got screwed up by others.
Author Lynx331 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 Seems to me like you're paying for someone else's mistakes. The guy she was with before abused her and broke her down to ***** and now that you're nice to her, she doesn't know how to deal with it, she's completely taking advantage of the situation because she's never had anything like it before. She hurts you and makes all these mistakes and promises to change and yet she doesn't. Don't let her manipulate you and end up screwing you up like she got screwed up by others. That is EXACTLY what she has said to me... She doesn't know how to deal with me being so nice and so attentive to her and her needs. Thanks for all the replies everyone.. I apprecate you all takingthe time to read that! So should we take a break from eachother? Like completely? We usually text throughout the day.. And I really don't know how easy it will be not talking to her.. She has been saying to me all Day that she is willng to compromise on everything.. Perhaps some time will further make her want to compromise? I'm at a loss here.. I never knew this would be so difficult.. I just never found someone before that I could sit in a room with don't absolutely nothing and have a great time..
Author Lynx331 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 I'm sorry, but I think that's the worst bit of advice I've seen on this forum. A girl who has promised multiple times to change, and failed to do so, will need more time away from you to truly better herself. In fact, she may never change at all while you're in the picture in any way, friends, lovers, whatever. As much as you feel and love her, you need to let this one go. At least for a while. Do your own thing, like work, hobbies, friends, and even other girls. She knows your weakness, and that is your desire/need to help her and take care of her. This is a VERY unhealthy relationship. You both are young, and both of you need to mature. This will not happen if you two are together. I've been in this scenario, not exactly like it, but close enough to know first hand. So I should let her go? Completely from my life? And then just see how I feel in a month or so?? I'm real nervous here...
DeePee Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Yes, as hard as it is cut all ties from her. If you text or talk a few times a week, keep it short and NOT SERIOUS. You need to emotionally detach yourself from her for now. It would be better not to talk to each other at all. She needs to change on her own, and that's the end of it. If she changes and feels the same about you, then great. But if she doesn't, there was nothing you could have done in the first place. You need to realize you need better, and there is better out there for you. If you're afraid that she'll hate you, you need to get it across to her that the both of you need to have time away from eachother for your own benefit and growth. You two each enable each other to be unhealthy, and that's why you need to break it off. Yes, you care about her, and even love her. But that doesn't mean you should spend time together now.
Author Lynx331 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 Hey everyone, I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you you to everyone for all the advice, I was lost and I appreciate you guys opening my eyes to things! I also wanted to give you all an update. She got upset with me last night for not coming to see her.. When I told her I need time, so she got all upset and we got into a nice arguement and she tried everything, suicide threats, attempts at jealousy, calling me an ahole, telling me how bad I treat her. Long story short the last thing she said was that I couldn't save her.. And I said I couldn't when everytime I tried to reach my hand out to her she kicked me away.. So it ended with her sayng she deserved better and I'm made her not herself, and she couldn't deal with me. Oh well... But I guess this makes it alittle easier on me. Thanks again for everything everyone!
TigerCub Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Hey everyone, I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you you to everyone for all the advice, I was lost and I appreciate you guys opening my eyes to things! I also wanted to give you all an update. She got upset with me last night for not coming to see her.. When I told her I need time, so she got all upset and we got into a nice arguement and she tried everything, suicide threats, attempts at jealousy, calling me an ahole, telling me how bad I treat her. Long story short the last thing she said was that I couldn't save her.. And I said I couldn't when everytime I tried to reach my hand out to her she kicked me away.. So it ended with her sayng she deserved better and I'm made her not herself, and she couldn't deal with me. Oh well... But I guess this makes it alittle easier on me. Thanks again for everything everyone! She said she deserved better? She was treated like **** her whole life, and you come along and treat her well and put up with her crap and SHE deserves better?! - yeah ok, fine let her go, she was a headcase anyways - and I'm glad you stayed strong and didn't cave when the suicide threats and guilt trips came rolling in.
Author Lynx331 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 yea I thought that was all alittle ridiculous. Can I ask you all a question? Is there even a chance for this in the future? Should I tell her that I've thought about everything and we need to not see or talk to eachother for a while so we can grow as individuals.. And maybe have a chance at a future? Does it have even any chance of working in the future, or is this pretty much it?
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