WickityWiley Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Hello, this is my first post on this site. Basically, I was in a yearlong relationship with a girl and was going through some personal struggles unbeknownst to her. Neither of us really got what we wanted out of the relationship. It broke her heart that I didn't show her the love that she wanted and deserved, and she dumped me. She moved on really fast to a friend of hers who has wanted her for a long, long time. Basically I saw it as a rebound at the time but they've been together for a few months and getting really serious. I was ready to move on, or so I thought. I had accepted that she wasn't coming back. I agreed to stay close with her since she had been really important to me while I was going through my struggles with depression. She didn't know about the depth of my depression and how it had sabotaged our relationship until about 2 months after we broke up/2 months into her new relationship, when I told her about it. Basically, since then she flirts with me nonstop, calls me and talks to me all hours of the day, has drunk texted me before, she has invited herself to sleep with me (not sex) on several occasions including when she invited me up to her college. She just would not stop talking about our old relationship, "I just always really wanted that, I just wish this," stuff like that. She told me that a song used to make her think about me, and now she doesn't like it because it only makes her sad. She has expressed regret and referenced it as a wrong place, wrong time scenario. I don't know about any of that, I just feel like she sure thinks about "us" a whole lot, especially for a girl with a new boyfriend. She tells me I'm her best friend, but she treats me like we're still together in a lot of ways. The real doozy and the thing that made me seek out advice was after she had heard that I had hooked up with some girl. She showed unusual interest and pressed me for details. I tried to be subtle and even tried to change the subject. She later asked me point blank if I had had sex with the girl (I did). I told her in so many words, and she seemed taken aback, or deflated by the news. I tried again to change the subject and later she just goes, "So..." and I knew what was coming. She wouldn't tell me right away but then she just said, "Don't say anything. Just thinking about how I wish we had had sex sometime." She and I had never had sex, it was an unfortunate side effect of depression that I was left with little to no sex drive. I was so surprised. This is a girl with apparently no feelings for me, happy as can be with her new guy, and she's bothered enough about regrets from our old relationship that she felt the need to tell me about it. I have no idea why she would bring that up. Things like this make me feel like she's just on the rebound. She's a bit of a flirt and a bit of a heartbreaker but me and her are different. The girl is a a love addict and I know our relationship was traumatic to her, she wanted love for such a long time and now she's getting all she wants and more. She knows she could have everything she ever wanted with me and I feel like it's somewhat clear that she's not and never was completely over me, especially since I told her about the depression thing. I was her world for such a long time and all the resentment towards me for not reciprocating the feelings is gone. Basically I turn to you, the LoveShack.org Community Forum. How do I talk to her about this? I feel like it's becoming more and more obvious that she wasn't over me and still isn't. I have no idea what her new relationship is like but it seems like it's just infatuation from an outsider's perspective. I really feel like she loves being loved more than she loves that kid. Otherwise why would she continue to do these things to me? I'd always want another chance and I have many regrets from our old relationship. I feel like a happy, healthy relationship with her could be incredible. At the same time, I don't want to play her games or to get played, which might very well be the case. I don't have a lot of dating experience but I've been around the block enough times to know that what she's doing just ain't normal. Any thoughts? I really appreciate it and would be glad to give any advice if I feel I can help someone else. Thanks!
Geishawhelk Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Basically, I think you might just have to lay your cards on the table and come right out with it.... "I get the feeling you're showing a lot of interest in me... does this mean anything? I mean, are you thinking about you and me again....?" If she seems keen, I would advise you to ask her that she difinitely finish with her current guy before you two get too pally.... Secondly - I have to say from what you tell us, she sounds a bit emotionally extreme and high-maintenance.... Could you cope with someone who may pull you through the wringer a few times.....?
Author WickityWiley Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 That's the thing. Because I don't want to scare her off and I don't want it to seem like I'm forcing some confession from her or anything, but I feel like I deserve to know the truth. She's not really treating me fairly but we all know our feelings make us do some unusual stuff sometimes and I'm willing to cut her some slack. As for the second part, I pretty much agree, but in a weird way I kinda like that she's a high-maintenance girl. I want to care for her, I want her to count on me and I want to be able to come through for her. It was all about me for such a long time because of depression and I really want to be in love and I feel like I'm ready. I know she and I make a great pair and I do love her despite her shortcomings.
Geishawhelk Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 You know, don't you, you can never fix her? She'll only improve and make progress if she wants to? You have to take her "warts and all" accept her as if she's never going to change, might get worse, and may even drive you to the brink of complete and utter insanity, you'll be trying so hard to keep it together. IME, people who have issues of this kind, generally want someone stronger they can rely on, so's they need to make less effort for themselves. It's possible she'll turn into an emotional vampire, here, become very demanding, needy and obsessive. (Boy, I am painting the meanest, darkest and worst-case scenario going, but - really - it's with the best of intentions.....) Have you thought about that?
BCCA Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 You know, don't you, you can never fix her? She'll only improve and make progress if she wants to? You have to take her "warts and all" accept her as if she's never going to change, might get worse, and may even drive you to the brink of complete and utter insanity, you'll be trying so hard to keep it together. IME, people who have issues of this kind, generally want someone stronger they can rely on, so's they need to make less effort for themselves. It's possible she'll turn into an emotional vampire, here, become very demanding, needy and obsessive. (Boy, I am painting the meanest, darkest and worst-case scenario going, but - really - it's with the best of intentions.....) Have you thought about that? Excellent post. I completely agree.
Author WickityWiley Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Thanks for the brutal honesty. I do appreciate it. The truth hurts sometimes, but everything you've said to me has crossed my mind at one time or another. I don't really expect that I could ever change her, nor would I try, but I am willing to take my chances with her and hope that she'll change. I'd rather have tried and failed than not tried at all. Something about this girl keeps me wanting her despite everything people say. Love sucks sometimes, but I'm stuck on this girl for some reason.
Geishawhelk Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 The important thing is that you are completely aware, and you're going in with your eyes open. Which you certainly seem to be. Wisdom only will direct you in the future (coupled with her efforts, to whatever level) as to whether it would be adviseable to continue, or to eventually let go. I do of course, for both your sakes, sincerely hope and pray it will be the former. Good Luck. Feel free to always come in and post whatever the situation.
Author WickityWiley Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 That was fast. Apparently I've already come to a conclusion on this journey, and it appears that she and I are going to part ways. We had a really honest talk, and I don't think a friendship would be healthy or happy for either of us. Thanks so much for your concern and your sound advice, Geishawhelk.
Geishawhelk Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Hey.... I just went by what you posted.... It's always difficult to know, sometimes, exactly what to respond with, because the information (obviously and understandably) is very limited to what posters can 'put on paper'.... we can never know the full picture. That would be impossible.... I just contributed according to what I could understand, but I'm very glad if you think I've helped. Hope you're ok with things...
Recommended Posts