woodsfield Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 How do you tell someone you love (parent, friend, sibling, cousin, etc.) that the person they are seeing and truely love, that you do not think they are right for them? ...that they are hurting the person's relationship with their own family? ...that they are damaging the personsal thoughts and opinions of the person you love? i don't think it is possible, but is there any way it can be done without hurting the one so close to you? surely here someone has had to do this before.....can you share some of those experiences?
Author woodsfield Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Leave it alone.... i have for 2 years now...not to give any details, but i have been forced to play this hand, my friend.
Geishawhelk Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Tell them. Then tell them whatever they decide to do, however long it takes, you'll be there for them. THEN, leave it alone.
Konfuzion Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 i have for 2 years now...not to give any details, but i have been forced to play this hand, my friend. In that case, I guess tell them but make it clear you don't want to be involved but I have to tell you because... And then get the hell out of dodge.
Ronni_W Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 is there any way it can be done without hurting the one so close to you? Perhaps start off by saying that you are in a position that you'd really rather not be. Mention also that you are initiating this very difficult conversation because you truly care about <the person plus all the others it is negatively impacting>. Oftentimes you won't be telling them anything new. That is, they are in a situation of which they are fully aware of all the consequences...and have consciously chosen to stay in that situation, regardless. They may become angry with you -- accuse you of not caring about their happiness and such. They likely won't want to hear it, and will lash out any which way to get you to stop talking. That is, you may end up feeling much more hurt than they will be able to admit to. I hear you say that you are being "forced" to do this. But it is something that you are also consciously choosing to do, whether or not also on behalf of one or more others. (Not that the action you intend to take is "right/good" or "wrong/bad"...just that it is your free will to take the action or to not take it.)
Author woodsfield Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 you are right....it is of my own free will that i choose to say something. by saying nothing, i risk losing the relationship, entirely. in saying something, i have the same risk.
Ronni_W Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 by saying nothing, i risk losing the relationship, entirely. in saying something, i have the same risk. Yep. From my own experience, actually a BETTER chance for a more satisfying relationship if you DO say something, cos at least that opens up a space for something new to happen. Very best of luck. PS: If you wanted to google "using I statements", it may be helpful in how to put your feelings and thoughts across in a way that will have best chance of being heard, without also turning on the other person's 'defense mechanism' (which may be very strong about this particular subject.)
Trialbyfire Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 If you're going to say anything, review your own motivations first. If there's no personal gain to be had, then proceed with caution. If there's personal gain to be had, are you damaging the happiness of another individual for selfish need? On LS, I've been exposed to some seriously destructive personality types and relationships. The strange thing is that they're happy wallowing in navel gazing or within the dysfunction of their relationship(s). If you remove them from this dysfunction or self-destructiveness, they're unhappy. It takes all kinds woodsfield.
vintagecat Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Like the others said, there is no way to go about this without some level of trouble. Like Ronni said, very often the friend, sibling, parent is aware on some level what their relationship is doing to them or others around them and are choosing to stay in for their own reasons. Still there often comes a time that in order to live with one's own conscience or to try to salvage a relationship that something has to be said. There will be no way around the anger or sadness but say what it is that you feel you must, no more, no less and leave it. Use crib notes if you must to avoid getting side tracked or derailed from your main points. Tough nut to have to crack. The lyrics of "When a Man loves a Woman" weren't written in a vacuum but rather in observation of human relationships. Best of luck to you.
Author woodsfield Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Yep. From my own experience, actually a BETTER chance for a more satisfying relationship if you DO say something, cos at least that opens up a space for something new to happen. hence why i feel the force! Very best of luck. thanks! gonna need it. If you're going to say anything, review your own motivations first. If there's no personal gain to be had, then proceed with caution. If there's personal gain to be had, are you damaging the happiness of another individual for selfish need? Good advice...i don't feel there is anything personal to gain except for heeling the relationship with this person. i feel this is why i have said nothing for so long; because i know this person is happy with the SO, they fail to see the damage being inflected. SOOO frustrating! On LS, I've been exposed to some seriously destructive personality types and relationships. The strange thing is that they're happy wallowing in navel gazing or within the dysfunction of their relationship(s). If you remove them from this dysfunction or self-destructiveness, they're unhappy. have seen this same thing in this relationship, as it has stopped and started more than once already. i'm unsure if i want to have the relationship end totally, but just make them aware of the hurt this person is causing to EVERYONE.
Author woodsfield Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Like the others said, there is no way to go about this without some level of trouble. Like Ronni said, very often the friend, sibling, parent is aware on some level what their relationship is doing to them or others around them and are choosing to stay in for their own reasons. don't know if they are aware of it and closing their eyes or just completely oblivious. iStill there often comes a time that in order to live with one's own conscience or to try to salvage a relationship that something has to be said. There will be no way around the anger or sadness but say what it is that you feel you must, no more, no less and leave it. Use crib notes if you must to avoid getting side tracked or derailed from your main points. good idea....i thought about that but wondered how impersonal or "strategic" that may seem. Best of luck to you. thanks!
Ronni_W Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 just make them aware of the hurt this person is causing to EVERYONE. I'd actually recommend to forget about "everyone" (unless there are young children involved who need and/or depend on your protection), and just focus on you. Allow other adults to take their own actions about this matter. In any event, something is telling me that, for you, this is primarily about you. That is, that YOU are feeling pain, and/or disappointment, and/or somewhat neglected/ignored (feelings like that), over how this person has treated/is treating you. It doesn't feel good, you would like it to feel better, and you are now ready/willing to do something to facilitate the "better". It is fair enough to stand up for yourself, to voice your hurts and hopes for something more meaningful and/or satisfying. All that is needed, really, is to do that in as clear and kind a way as is within your personal resource and power. I do know what you mean, about that pressing need/desire to be heard and understood feeling like a supremely powerful "force" from within. But. It is just us, in our pain, wanting to alleviate some of that pain, hoping for the other person to want to share their love and good stuff with us as well, and not just with the 3rd party. In my experience. (((hugs))).
Author woodsfield Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 I'd actually recommend to forget about "everyone" (unless there are young children involved who need and/or depend on your protection), and just focus on you. Allow other adults to take their own actions about this matter. problem is, i believe other adults have taken some sort of action to no avail. my child is a risk of losing their relationship with this person. ALL of us are being alienated, for what i can see as no good reason. In any event, something is telling me that, for you, this is primarily about you. That is, that YOU are feeling pain, and/or disappointment, and/or somewhat neglected/ignored (feelings like that), over how this person has treated/is treating you. It doesn't feel good, you would like it to feel better, and you are now ready/willing to do something to facilitate the "better". yes, i am feeling the pain....but it is about more than just me; it's become about me and my family i don't think i can make things all better, i just think these people need the damage that they are causing It is fair enough to stand up for yourself, to voice your hurts and hopes for something more meaningful and/or satisfying. All that is needed, really, is to do that in as clear and kind a way as is within your personal resource and power. I do know what you mean, about that pressing need/desire to be heard and understood feeling like a supremely powerful "force" from within. But. It is just us, in our pain, wanting to alleviate some of that pain, hoping for the other person to want to share their love and good stuff with us as well, and not just with the 3rd party. In my experience. (((hugs))). how right you are!
quankanne Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 we're going through this right now with a close relative of mine, who is in an abusive marriage and has two school-aged children by this demon. Though her children have told her that their daddy hurts them, she doesn't believe them, and chooses to stay with him. Or runs to the safety of her parents' home for a bit, then back to him, kids in tow. really, how *can* someone talk to a person like this when that person's mind is set? I really don't think you can – someone pointed out that they become angry because they don't want to consider that what they're doing is detrimental to them. I think the only answer is to just tell them how much you love/care for them, and that no matter what happens, you're there for them. That you will be their safe spot, and always will be no matter who tells him/her differently (it also makes a liar out of the person telling him/her lies about you to isolate that person from others!).
Author woodsfield Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 i don't think my situation has any rival to yours, quankanne. that sounds very terrible and sad, but all too familiar. I think the only answer is to just tell them how much you love/care for them, and that no matter what happens, you're there for them. That you will be their safe spot, and always will be no matter who tells him/her differently... i agree...stay positive and show the love!
quankanne Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 the circumstances aren't similar, but I think the basics are the same: Someone is being fed false information about a family that loves them so they can cultivate that person for whatever reasons. And that's never an easy thing to cope with. BTW, ended up writing a letter to the little ones telling them to never forget that they're part of a huge family that loves them, and that they're always in our hearts and on our minds even when we can't see them. Just hope their anal pore of a father doesn't destroy it before they get a chance to see it – I want them to understand that they have a lifeline no matter how hard he tries to isolate them.
Ronni_W Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 ...stay positive and show the love! Yes, stay positive. But, unfortunately, sometimes the more love you show, the more love you are expected to show, and the more everything else stays exactly the same: You give, give and give some more...and the other takes, takes and just feels entitled to take some more. Another downside to just always being the giver, is that you role-model to impressionable-aged young people that you/they don't also deserve to receive. I think in terms of setting boundaries about how I want and deserve to be treated, but others might call it a "tough love" approach -- treat me and my loved ones properly, or there will be consequences. It really does sound as if you ought to give it your best, most loving shot, to try to help this person see how s/he is negatively impacting many others who genuinely love and care about her/him. "If they are ready, they will hear you," to borrow from wherever that comes from.
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