am I being a jealous btch?

[soconfused01]

Hi all

 

The long and short of it is:

 

boyfriend and I been together almost two years

biggest issue is him comparing me to his exes, it's gotten so much better in the past few months but he still does it on accident sometimes.

we were in an agreement when it got really intense a while ago that he would cut two particular exes of his out of his life because his comparisons of me with them were too painful

he's recently backed out of this agreement and we are at an impasse. He wants me to guarantee that he can be friends with them in the future. I don't know if this will ever make me comfortable. I am open to the possibility but I want him to accept me either way.

 

I am fine with other exes of his, even one he's compared me with. I love him so much but I feel like it would be too much of a sacrifice of my self respect if I went along with this. I'd always hear a voice after he told me he loves me say "But not more than so and so"

 

He says it's not about them but about the principle of the matter but my insecurities are too raw to completely believe this. If it was a matter of principle I might be able to accept it. It still could be, because with guy enemies he always seems to want to patch things up with them, supposedly in accordance to his philosophy that you shouldn't burn bridges with anyone. I'd like to believe it's not about these two girls, but it still hurts that he's willing to throw all we have away for the sake of seeing them.

 

please help

[Geishawhelk]

....And you're willing to throw it all away because of your insecurities....?

 

Impasse indeed.....

 

I can see from your angle why you'd be upset by this, but you need to ask him what possible reason could he have for wanting to maintain contact?

What "principle of the matter"?

Are they a stand-by in case you two don't work out?

Has he tried for one moment to imagine what it would be like for you to contact your ex's and stay in touch with them?

 

No.

Tell him very simply.

Those who seek to maintain contact with their exes still harbour a desire to re-establish some kind of a relationship with them.

He can keep in touch with them, by all means - but then, he'd have you as an ex as well.

And you would definitely not want him to keep in touch with you.

 

I personally find his attitude very disrespectful.

My partner spent 11 years with his ex. The only reason he keeps in touch is because they had a son.

Otherwise, he'd cheerfully never mention her name, ever again.

[soconfused01]

there is a guy who is not my ex but who my boyfriend strongly dislikes and feels like I've cheated on him with (because this guy got involved in one of our fights and talked a bunch of **** to me about my bf). this guy friend of mine was also someone we agreed to cut out of our lives, and I did.

 

I feel bad losing my friend but don't resent my boyfriend because it was my huge mistake to engage in **** talking my boyfriend with this guy.

 

now my boyfriend says it will be ok with him if I see this friend, as well as my exes (though they are not truly exes bc my boyfriend is my first serious bf and the only person i've had sex with)

 

He says he doesn't want a relationship with his exes, but he wants to be able to be friends with one and hang out from time to time, and see the other (who he's not even friends with) for lunch every once in a while.

 

That used to be ok with me but I've been through two years of pain concerning them. He says it makes him a better partner to me to be able to talk to them as friends and learn from the mistakes of our relationship. I just can't help but feel he's not really choosing me and if I accept this will always feel like I'm only with him because I didn't ask him to lose them. :-(

[Geishawhelk]

He says it makes him a better partner to me to be able to talk to them as friends and learn from the mistakes of our relationship. I just can't help but feel he's not really choosing me and if I accept this will always feel like I'm only with him because I didn't ask him to lose them. :-(

 

What utter BS.

What would make him a better partner would be to talk to you - !

He already knows the mistakes he's made with them. That's why they're called EX girlfriends.

And, like, he's really going to talk to them about 'mistakes' in your relationship?

The first one he should mention is the biggest mistake of all.

Keeping in touch with them.

 

Don't compromise on your principles.

Ever.

 

As my mom says:

In matters of taste, swim with the current.

in matters of principle, stand like a rock.

Give in an inch, and he'll take the mile.

Nope.

It's a 'no'.

If you lose him because of this, then he has no respect for you at all, and trust me - you are soooo much better off without him.

 

See what he says to his exes about that!

[Ronni_W]

biggest issue is him comparing me to his exes, ... he still does it on accident sometimes.

I'm guessing that you end up falling short, when he does his "comparisons" - if that is right, then it is his way of manipulating and controlling you...of keeping you scared and insecure that you may lose him to someone who "compares" more favourably.

 

If you haven't yet asked him, find out what is his underlying intention/reason for making such comparisons. I am hard-pressed to believe that he's doing it by "accident". I mean. I sometimes call my b/f by my ex's name by accident, but for me to say a whole sentence like, "Well, Bob is/was so good at this or that" -- that is NOT me just making an error.

 

If he says he is doing it because he wants to "help" you be a "better" person or anything along that line, then he isn't loving and accepting the real you in any event.

 

It's up to you, if you choose to stay in a situation that will leave you feeling inadequate, insufficient and/or incompetent. Personally, I think you deserve more and better.

[soconfused01]

And, like, he's really going to talk to them about 'mistakes' in your relationship?

The first one he should mention is the biggest mistake of all.

Keeping in touch with them.

 

Don't compromise on your principles.

Ever.

 

 

 

oops, I meant to say that he's saying he's learn from the mistakes of their relationship not 'our'

 

he says he's asking me to compromise on his principles of not burning bridges to his past. there a few people who he really dislikes that I have seen him try to talk to at parties, based of his principle. I just don't trust him enought that this is what it's about this time. I know I shouldn't be with someone I don't trust, but I want to work on it with him.

 

I hope I'm not coming off as argumentative, I'm trying to sort out a way to keep him and my self respect. I even said that if I could at least have two years from them, then I wouldn't feel pressure in those two years and could relax and be comfortable in our relationship and that would be an adequate sacrifice from him that would prove to me that he loves me more than them. but he won't do that.

 

ughh... I know I can't talk my way around this.

[Ronni_W]

now my boyfriend says it will be ok with him if I see this friend

And then when he no longer wants to be friends with HIS other women friends, you're going to have to 'dump' your guy friend(s) again???

 

Yes, he'll be able to get relationship insights and counsel from his other friends, male and female. BUT. So will you. If it's okay for him to talk with others of his choosing about any problems you guys are having in your relationship, it MUST be okay for you to do the same.

 

Where is your right, power and freedom to choose your own friends and everything else that you want to choose for yourself? It sounds as if you may be too willing to give up your autonomy just because you don't want to lose him.

 

So maybe you just need to be careful about how much of your Self, your needs, desire, feelings, preferences and dislikes you are willing to ignore/deny JUST to be able to stay in relationship with this guy. It sounds like there may be a very high price-tag (to your Self and self-esteem.)

 

It's okay to pay whatever you want to pay...but it's good when you do that knowing exactly what you are getting in return.

[soconfused01]

If you haven't yet asked him, find out what is his underlying intention/reason for making such comparisons. I am hard-pressed to believe that he's doing it by "accident". I mean. I sometimes call my b/f by my ex's name by accident, but for me to say a whole sentence like, "Well, Bob is/was so good at this or that" -- that is NOT me just making an error.

 

 

the last time was when I overheard a phone conversation where he was telling a female friend of his (who is 30 and going through her 'prime') that his best sex ever was his last serious girlfriend (one of the ones I want him to cut out) and then described in detail how it was because she was in her sexual prime

 

he explained he made a mistake but he was adressing a relevant issue with his friend, not just willy nilly comparing me out of the blue. so he hasn't done it to my face in maybe 5 months

[soconfused01]

he says if we get back together and he can see whoever he wants, and so can I.

he says he knows how he will feel the first time I go see my guy friend that makes him insecure but he says he can't take away from me someone whose company I enjoy.

[Geishawhelk]

I hope I'm not coming off as argumentative,

No, I do see why you're battling this one out, truly.

I'm trying to sort out a way to keep him and my self respect.

 

Nope.

can't be done.

I even said that if I could at least have two years from them, then I wouldn't feel pressure in those two years and could relax and be comfortable in our relationship and that would be an adequate sacrifice from him that would prove to me that he loves me more than them. but he won't do that.

I used to work as a liason assistant with a counselling association called marriage care.

They instructed us (and it's absolutely true) that you must have three things working in unison for a relationship (not necessarily a married one) to work:

 

MUTUAL -

Trust

Effective Communication

Respect.

 

if any of these three are faulty or absent - it's a no-hoper.

And it looks to me as if all three are not functioning.

 

ughh... I know I can't talk my way around this.

 

That's the first sensible thing you've said all day!!

 

Resentment can cause a wide, inoperable and irreparable fracture in a relationship.

I'd say the gap between you two is widening. The word 'chasm' springs to mind.

Ok.

Let go.

Move on.

You can do better.

Oh trust me, sooooo much better than this.

[Ronni_W]

he was telling a female friend of his (who is 30 and going through her 'prime') that his best sex ever was his last serious girlfriend ... because she was in her sexual prime

. He doesn't appear to have much (if any) sense of personal or relationship boundaries -- no clue about appropriate disclosure.

 

To answer the question of your thread: NO...you are NOT (just) acting like a jealous biatch.

There is no "relevant issue" that can necessitate an adult going into detail about his past sexual conquests. Well...except if the relevant issue is the guy acting like an immature, under-developed, inconsiderate freak. THAT is the relevant issue.

 

It's not you, it's him . He is using words and 'illogical logic' to keep you confused, insecure, and second-guessing yourself.

 

The thing about 'trust' -- you cannot develop it with someone who is untrustworthy, or even whom you feel cannot be trusted. Trust requires TWO people fully committed to, and engaged in, the process.

To want to learn to trust an untrustworthy individual is to ignore reality; to deny all the evidence and signs of how this person really is. It's not a wise thing to attempt cos your chance of success is really kinda zero.

 

I know that you said you will do/try most anything to not lose him -- have you asked yourself questions about why that is...what positives you are getting out of it...how is he respecting and admiring you...how is he facilitating your good feelings about yourself and life in general...how is he supporting and encouraging you to achieve your goals, happiness, success?

[lovelorcet]

No.

Tell him very simply.

Those who seek to maintain contact with their exes still harbour a desire to re-establish some kind of a relationship with them.

 

I would disagree very much with this statement this can be the case but it is not always the case.

[Geishawhelk]

I think it's the case in this case. But I take your point....

[soconfused01]

I just thought of something to bring up to him. If it's a matter of him thinking I don't respect his principle of remaining friends with exes, then he should look at the exes that I'm ok with him being friends with. If it's a principle of freedom and trust that he won't cheat, then he should look at the girls from his work I'm ok with him calling and hanging out with, that I will even hang out with, even those that have pursued him. he should look at my past efforts to bury the hatchet with the two girls i want him to cut out, and at their rejection of that idea. he should look at the girl that he was interested in before me and him got together, than is now one of my close friends.

 

thanks for the advice guys

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, I see the sense in putting that in front of him - but you do know that he's bound to come up with some more neat, side-stepping "you're the one being unreasonable" replies, don't you?

 

Of course you do.

[Trialbyfire]

Exes are or aren't detrimental to relationships. I have exes all over the place and have zero desire to restart anything with them.

 

In your situation OP, with the fact that he openly compares the exes to you, erodes on your insecurities. I think he lacks respect and has a strong element of the very selfish. On the otherhand, I strongly understand the principle of not wanting to be controlled within a relationship.

 

What you have to do, soserious, is to decide which type of person he is, whether it's solely principle or whether there's a greater element of interest. At the end of the day, regardless of truth, if you can't convince yourself it's the former, you don't really have much choice but to lay it on the line. No one can live with this type of insecurity and not have it negatively impact on self-esteem and self-respect.

[lofi_tokyo]

Did the ex's hes talking with end up breaking his heart? Or did he break theirs?

 

It sounds to me like he was dumped by them, and instead of accepting them being gone is kind of... accepting them as friends, but looking for their traits in you. So its kinda like he still has them - their friendship and attention, but when they don't come through on the relationship part (as in they don't want to date him), he is expecting you do behave as they did in their relationships with him to fill that hole.

 

Thats completely unfair and loving of him, if thats the case. He needs to respect the fact that each person is an individual, and he cannot possibly expect you to be like his ex's, because if you were a carbon copy of them, you wouldn't be beautiful you! He should, if he was a man worth dating, appreciate you for you, all your cute little quirks and ways of saying or doing things.

 

I wouldn't be his friend, personally. He clearly has no appreciation for you as an individual. Continuing a friendship with him would only erode your sense of self, and possibly damage what makes you great. Don't give him the chance, dump that losers ass!

[soconfused01]

I'm bumping this because I am still struggling with this issue.

 

I DO believe that the future together that we both want is one where I would trust him and be secure enough to not be bothered whatever company he keeps. That if we got married in the future, I wouldn't be bothered if his exes were at the wedding because I'd be totally secure.

 

But I can't help but feel our future is contingent on my comfortability around his exes. I conceded to him that he can choose whatever company he wants to hold. But what's hanging us up now is that he would feel disappointed in me if I wasn't comfortable. I don't feel loved unconditionally.

 

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this. All stripped down, isn't is just he wants a secure relationship in the future and would be dissappointed if I wasn't secure?

 

Should I try to accept the people in his past that have caused me pain? Or is that unreasonable? I have tried before, but a while ago I felt that it was OK for me to stop.

 

 

I keep thinking about advice a friend gave me. His gf had a problem with his exes so he stopped talking to them because he could see how much it hurt her. My boyfriend thinks this just means she doesn't trust him, and they didn't work through anything.

[soconfused01]

I also want to add that he says he doesn't want someone in his future who is carrying around hate and anger. I do still have a lot of bad feelings surrounding his exes and of course this is not their fault but because of my boyfriend. I haven't completely forgiven him for comparing me and don't trust that he won't do it in the future. So it's not really about them but us.

[Trialbyfire]

soconfused, step back from your emotions for a second. What are your options on how to handle this situation?

[Ronni_W]

If he wants you to trust him, and feel secure and comfortable with everything else in his life, then HE has got to act trustworthy and in ways that make you feel secure and comfortable. He must make himself accountable for how HE is messing with those dynamics.

 

HE isn't respecting your relationship boundaries or acting trustworthy...so why would you trust him? It's not a trustworthy situation, for you. To trust him would be an unwise thing to do, as things stand right now.

He isn't taking any responsibility for HIS influence and impact on your feelings and the relationship, in general.

[Gremio]

....And you're willing to throw it all away because of your insecurities....?

 

Impasse indeed.....

 

I can see from your angle why you'd be upset by this, but you need to ask him what possible reason could he have for wanting to maintain contact?

What "principle of the matter"?

Are they a stand-by in case you two don't work out?

Has he tried for one moment to imagine what it would be like for you to contact your ex's and stay in touch with them?

 

No.

Tell him very simply.

Those who seek to maintain contact with their exes still harbour a desire to re-establish some kind of a relationship with them.

He can keep in touch with them, by all means - but then, he'd have you as an ex as well.

And you would definitely not want him to keep in touch with you.

 

I personally find his attitude very disrespectful.

My partner spent 11 years with his ex. The only reason he keeps in touch is because they had a son.

Otherwise, he'd cheerfully never mention her name, ever again.

 

Exactly what I was going to say. There is no reason to maintain contact with an ex unless children are involved. It can only lead to rekindling something.

[soconfused01]

I realize I haven't really forgiven him and I don't know how. He says he doesn't have any plans to contact these exes but if in the future they want to hang out, he thinks he should be able to. He refuses to pin down when in the future he's talking about. a couple years seems reasonable to me but next month is out of the question. I just don't know what to expect. He keeps telling me to 'let go' of all the crap between us but I don't know how to do that without feeling as if it will all come crumbling down as soon as I do.

 

this is all sparked off by a friend of his calling needing to interview a teacher, and he knew that my boyfriend's ex is a teacher. I got upset but didn't shout or lash out, just got visibly angry that my boyfriend was going to call his ex to see if he could get out her number. he offered to let me sit in on the conversation and he ended up leaving a voicemail anyway. I feel like he's trying to do right by me but I've been burned by him so many times I can't throw caution to the wind. As much as I want to.

 

 

trialbyfire, my options seem to be break up with him, or forgive him completely. I'd like to forgive him but I don't know how. I know him having contact with his exes isn't really the problem. I just hate the reminder of how he hurt me because I haven't forgiven him. But then I think about all the times he's promised he to cut contact and how secure that made me feel and then I get angry cause he's not making me feel secure. I have a hard time beliving security comes from within, when it was taken from me by someone outside of myself.

[Trialbyfire]

soconfused, he's reneged a number of times on something he's committed to. Do you know why he keeps on reneging?

[soconfused01]

I think it's because it goes against his principles of not burning bridges with anyone