Sysyphus28 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 After three 1/2 weeks NC. Belly-aching and lamenting. Bad dreams and bad daydreams. Fits of jealousy! Rants and rants with my friends. Listening to nostalgic music. Writing. Working out. Going out w/ friends trying to pick up some pieces! Posting on LS. She called on friday. I let it go to voicemail and she didn't leave a message. She called an hour later and didn't leave a message again. She called again sunday night and didn't leave a message. I never picked up the phone. I didn't want to go back to square one(which is me beign weak and insecure)(which is me being a doormat for her to wipe her feet on). I know she has been F-ing her best friend for months, I know she is in college "having the best time ever"(her words). We moved to a new state together and I am alone.........she dumped me when she came home from summer break. I am an older guy..mid-late twenties, and she is 21. This breakup hit me really hard cause I thought I was starting a new life with her in a new place. I was so excited. What should I do? WHat do the phone calls mean? Why didn't she leave a message? SYS
jerbear Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Tell her to contact you after she finish college. College changes people and right now she just wants to keep her options open.
carhill Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 What should I do? WHat do the phone calls mean? Why didn't she leave a message? Continue NC. Ego feed. Nothing to say. I'd have to go back and read your story to be sure, but my instincts are that she merely wishes to know that she can still affect you. If she can, NC is there for you to heal. If you weren't posting here, and had healed and moved on, you could have taken her call and felt nothing. You'll get there
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Continue NC. Ego feed. Nothing to say. I'd have to go back and read your story to be sure, but my instincts are that she merely wishes to know that she can still affect you. If she can, NC is there for you to heal. If you weren't posting here, and had healed and moved on, you could have taken her call and felt nothing. You'll get there I miss her alot. and she does still affect me. It is hard to be doing NC and when she called my heart dropped. I still love her and she doesn't deserve any energy(good or bad) from me. She can call what's his face for support.
Meaplus3 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 After three 1/2 weeks NC. Belly-aching and lamenting. Bad dreams and bad daydreams. Fits of jealousy! Rants and rants with my friends. Listening to nostalgic music. Writing. Working out. Going out w/ friends trying to pick up some pieces! Posting on LS. She called on friday. I let it go to voicemail and she didn't leave a message. She called an hour later and didn't leave a message again. She called again sunday night and didn't leave a message. I never picked up the phone. I didn't want to go back to square one(which is me beign weak and insecure)(which is me being a doormat for her to wipe her feet on). I know she has been F-ing her best friend for months, I know she is in college "having the best time ever"(her words). We moved to a new state together and I am alone.........she dumped me when she came home from summer break. I am an older guy..mid-late twenties, and she is 21. This breakup hit me really hard cause I thought I was starting a new life with her in a new place. I was so excited. What should I do? WHat do the phone calls mean? Why didn't she leave a message? SYS I'd stick to NC and let it go. If she is messing around with someone else why would you want her anyway? AP:)
carhill Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 You know, you can still love her, but not be affected by her. There is a difference. When you get there, you'll know what I mean The phone call will be just that, a phone call. Think about those people whom you love and receive phone calls from. That's the place you want to be....... I handle the support aspect by expressing empathy and then changing the subject, preferably to one including myself Interesting how that works...
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 You know, you can still love her, but not be affected by her. There is a difference. When you get there, you'll know what I mean The phone call will be just that, a phone call. Think about those people whom you love and receive phone calls from. That's the place you want to be....... I handle the support aspect by expressing empathy and then changing the subject, preferably to one including myself Interesting how that works... Thier was gravity to each call. Each time she called it felt like someone was kicking me in the shins! I wanted to say hello and hear her voice so badly. I still do. BUT, I am not anybody's fool. If she really wanted to talk to me she could email or leave a message of substance.
northstar1 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Thier was gravity to each call. Each time she called it felt like someone was kicking me in the shins! I wanted to say hello and hear her voice so badly. I still do. BUT, I am not anybody's fool. If she really wanted to talk to me she could email or leave a message of substance. Just tread lightly my friend. You're still in that early very vulnerable state and will be influenced by any form of contact. Just rememeber, that although you still might love her and want to talk to her, she did a lot of crappy things which I'm not sure you can forgive her for.
Konfuzion Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I don't know you but I am very very proud of you for not answering that phone. Must have been hard.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 I don't know you but I am very very proud of you for not answering that phone. Must have been hard. It was so F-in hard! I have been obsessing about it all morning! It is sad. i am wondering what the heck was going on in her head. She most likely has a conscience(i think).....so, she is probably remembering how awful she treated me and how crappy it was to sleep with someone else all summer and not tell me..................................... She was definetly a huge scumbag. I am not sure really. No message so...........I guess I will never know. If she really was serious about contacting me she would write an email or leave a message or send a text. The blank call with no voicemail is half-hearted and piss poor. I am not a throw-away man, I am not a nobody..........she knew me and loved me......I DESERVE better than running after a "missed call" by dis-honorable immature ex-g/f. I deserve a humbled apology. I deserve an adult-like action with real motive. SHe sucks and I won't call her back.
Al_Bundy Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 After three 1/2 weeks NC. Belly-aching and lamenting. Bad dreams and bad daydreams. Fits of jealousy! Rants and rants with my friends. Listening to nostalgic music. Writing. Working out. Going out w/ friends trying to pick up some pieces! Posting on LS. She called on friday. I let it go to voicemail and she didn't leave a message. She called an hour later and didn't leave a message again. She called again sunday night and didn't leave a message. I never picked up the phone. I didn't want to go back to square one(which is me beign weak and insecure)(which is me being a doormat for her to wipe her feet on). I know she has been F-ing her best friend for months, I know she is in college "having the best time ever"(her words). We moved to a new state together and I am alone.........she dumped me when she came home from summer break. I am an older guy..mid-late twenties, and she is 21. This breakup hit me really hard cause I thought I was starting a new life with her in a new place. I was so excited. What should I do? Nothing, don't answer any calls from her. Hopefully she will get the hint sooner or later. WHat do the phone calls mean? She wants to keep you on a string, keep you on the backburner as a fallback guy when she "thinks" she is done sewing her oats. Cut the string, and don't be available for her. Move on to someone that won't use you.
Al_Bundy Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I miss her alot. and she does still affect me. It is hard to be doing NC and when she called my heart dropped. I still love her and she doesn't deserve any energy(good or bad) from me. She can call what's his face for support. Exactly. Keep that mindset going. Don't let her weasel her way back in your life. You need to heal and move on and her trying to needle her way back in is a lousy move on her part.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 This forum is the ultimate support system. PERIOD. I would have called her like a puppy dog yesterday or today..........or sunday night. (excitement in my voice) "HEY, how are you!" "Is everything going ok in school" her voice(indifferent and barely caring) "yeah, everything is ok"..."just wanted to see how you were" Me: "I'm ok...I really miss you, remember the time we............when you............I can't believe we havn't hung out or talked in........... Her: "I'm doing fine, I'm really happy.......just wanted to make sure you were "ok" ***SHe clearly takes the "power" back here by confirming that I am still hard up for her, Her ego gets stroked...... End result, I feel like a douchebag, and all this "work" I have been putting in, and all of these posts were/are useless. Thank you for veryones insight!
SRV Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 It was so F-in hard! I have been obsessing about it all morning! It is sad. i am wondering what the heck was going on in her head. She most likely has a conscience(i think).....so, she is probably remembering how awful she treated me and how crappy it was to sleep with someone else all summer and not tell me..................................... She was definetly a huge scumbag. I am not sure really. No message so...........I guess I will never know. If she really was serious about contacting me she would write an email or leave a message or send a text. The blank call with no voicemail is half-hearted and piss poor. I am not a throw-away man, I am not a nobody..........she knew me and loved me......I DESERVE better than running after a "missed call" by dis-honorable immature ex-g/f. I deserve a humbled apology. I deserve an adult-like action with real motive. SHe sucks and I won't call her back. Most of the time we have suspicions that "they" are cheating, but once you have the confirmation that they actually are, why would you want a girl like that back? I would block her number, this is a deal breaker and run far far away. When a girl cheats, she does not do it only once.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 she didn't so much cheat as break up with me and start having sex with another dude the same day. Same thing. She kept me in the dark while I had my fingers crossed that she would come back to me all summer. It was a horrible thing to do to somebody! I have been dating and it has been pretty fun. I still miss her alot! And think of her, but I am not thumbing through pics or doing anything of that sort. It is just good old fashioned grieving....... I would love to get all the apoligies in the world from her and for her to admit her selfish and horrible actions.....but I won't get it instead 3 feeble phone calls w/ no message.
EmperorR Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Man I know how it feels, 21 days NC, my ex msg me on yahoo messenger the other day, i just signed off, part of me felt good. And God Bless this forum whenever I feel like ever txtn or msg her, I just take out my iphone and come here and remind myself.
CherishG Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Hi Sysyphus28, trust me, I know exactly how you feel... its like as soon as you see ur cell phone ringing and u know its them, u can feel your heart literally tugging on your arm to reach out and answer the damn thing, and then when you wait a few minutes after it went to VM you're thinking, "Ok, did they leave a message?" then when they don't... you start to trip and wonder if your VM on ur cell works... ha ha I know exactly how you feel, and it frickin sucks how they can have that much power over you when they are the ones who screwed us over! I wish I could do complete NC...but I can't, I have a baby involved. Stay strong sweetie! Remember, someday when you can look back at all of this, and ur like "whatever" when she calls, there's gonna be another girl out there who will be lucky to have someone like u and treat ya better too!
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 They do have power, and it is a slow process taking the power back.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 I have been in a loop of thinking. WHy? WHy? WHy? Why did she call. Does she know how much she hurt me? DId she want to apoligize, but was too chicken to leave a message? Did she want to talk........ The only good thing is I did not answer or call back. Now the ball.......is mine. A little dignity.........nice. I still miss her real bad though. I loved her alot, and she was a big part of my life. Will she call me back again?? insecure, SYS
Dominique Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Sys, That she broke the NC is more power to "you" in that you are not the one who "cracked" ( I know, I know but we do keep tallies on these things...) That she broke the ice, so to speak, do you not feel more free to call her if you are indeed curious about a possible reconciliation? One thing that totally impresses women is a man who is cool, mature and in control of himself. That is, who talks intensely, with his voice modulated (not shrieking and not winging off on emotional tangents)--a real grown up. If you approach talkng to her--IN PERSON-- very very "matter of fact", almost like a business meeting in which the subject on the table is Do We or Do We Not Give This Another Try, you could say what you want to say, have the satisifaction of exploring this possible "option", and looking great all the while. Again--keep up the "look" that if you two were to be together that is wonderful. If not, you are prepared to move on--as you already had At this point there is no reason to re hash the past. She will expect you will and if you do not it will pique her curiosity. There are a million and a half reasons why she hurt you, each valid or invalid. Even what she tells you may or may not be the case (everyone wishes to save face to a point). As long as you remain mature and self-possessed--like you just made a million bucks and are now tending to the next meeting--you will win. This is the kind of thing where being clever and careful is the priority, not "emotional" and overly honest. (She does not need to know that you are pouring your heart out to strangers). She contacted you. You have the "right" now to suggest talking. You could say, "I was under the impression you might want to meet after you had called"....Something neutral, which deflects your own pining... You have more power than you think... DOM
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 I do feel more power but SHE DID NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE. The fishing line has been cast..........wouldn't I be biting if I called? Isn't that like saying, "you treated me like a total loser for months, f-ed another dude, broke my heart, ..."but OOOH, OOOH, you called, you called!!! You want to talk me!! Thank sweet goodness!! Hello?! " I don't want to go back to square one. I'm afraid. I don't want any more rejection. She moved out of my apt, broke up with me, shacked up with another guy all summer, then I was gracious enough to help her move and pick her up from the airport...I said all sorts of stuff like: I will always be their for you. I love you so much I have missed you so much Can we please work it out I know things will be great! I got INDIFFERENCE in return. This is from the girl that "loved" me and lived withme for a year. I go NC for 3 1/2 weeks(she knows how much she hurt me) and she can't leave a message or even send a txt? I bet she leaves her new man messages and sends him all sorts of cute texts. I bet she goes the extra length for him. She really crushed me. I have struggled to do almost one month of NC........to break it by calling her seems like a bad idea. She can hunt me down if it is important. She can write a letter or actually DO something that a friend would do to make another friend know they care about them. Something un-selfish. a few missed calls is actually a few missed opportunities for her to hurt me more. I won't scramble after her corn feed like a hungry chicken. I used to be her man. SHe knows me and she knows how to get my attention. No effort from her means no attention from me. I put forth so much effort to get her back. HOURS OF CONVERSATION AND REASONING WITH HER! wow.
kizik Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Just forget the whole "power" thing, please, and immerse yourself in your work and/or school. Focusing on yourself, and not keeping NC tallies, is truly the way to regain your own personal "power". Don't let anyone in your life define the status of your life. Josh
lofi_tokyo Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I'm proud of you for not picking up the phone once. Really proud. Man, I hope when my day comes (if it comes), and he calls me, I IGNORE THAT ****! lol I never considered that outcome, him calling me out of the blue... but this forum has prepared me - ignore him if it happens! Try not to obsess over her calling too much. You were so strong not answering, now stay strong, like I know you can be!
Dominique Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I do feel more power but SHE DID NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE. The fishing line has been cast..........wouldn't I be biting if I called? Isn't that like saying, "you treated me like a total loser for months, f-ed another dude, broke my heart, ..."but OOOH, OOOH, you called, you called!!! You want to talk me!! Thank sweet goodness!! Hello?! " I don't want to go back to square one. I'm afraid. I don't want any more rejection. She moved out of my apt, broke up with me, shacked up with another guy all summer, then I was gracious enough to help her move and pick her up from the airport...I said all sorts of stuff like: I will always be their for you. I love you so much I have missed you so much Can we please work it out I know things will be great! I got INDIFFERENCE in return. This is from the girl that "loved" me and lived withme for a year. I go NC for 3 1/2 weeks(she knows how much she hurt me) and she can't leave a message or even send a txt? I bet she leaves her new man messages and sends him all sorts of cute texts. I bet she goes the extra length for him. She really crushed me. I have struggled to do almost one month of NC........to break it by calling her seems like a bad idea. She can hunt me down if it is important. She can write a letter or actually DO something that a friend would do to make another friend know they care about them. Something un-selfish. a few missed calls is actually a few missed opportunities for her to hurt me more. I won't scramble after her corn feed like a hungry chicken. I used to be her man. SHe knows me and she knows how to get my attention. No effort from her means no attention from me. I put forth so much effort to get her back. HOURS OF CONVERSATION AND REASONING WITH HER! wow. I hear ya, I hear ya. I had (perhaps mistakeningly) assumed that you were keen to contact her, to break out of this torture cycle. My only point was the fact that as she broke the NC you didn't need to worry at this point about losing face. But she needs to do more...I see I will only say that we women are terribly fickle and vain (no, really?) and we "drop hints" more than we often come out and say things in order to jar a guy into action without having to ask (yes, unfortunately, really). Her not leaving a message was deliberate. It is to say something without saying anything and she is hoping/expecting you will call back. She knows she screwed up. But the vanity is such that fearing a rejection from you, she prefers to see if hints will bring you back around... The poster Kizik is right in that life should not be such tail-chasing and you should focus on your own life and success. She is sending you a message without leaving a message, I doubt she will fall down in tears on the phone at this point begging for forgivenes. I think she realized that the new guy is most likely a jerk (who saw her as a jerk, in turn, for cheating on you) and she regrets the loss DOM
Author Sysyphus28 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 It probably was a hint, and I'm sure she wants me to call her back. What I couldn't handle is A. Knowing how happy she is B. KNowing that she is in love with this new guy C. That the call was actually for something completely irrevelent or assinine D. That she was still indifferent and has the "up on a pedastal mentality" I miss her so Much!! And I would like to hear her voice and see her smile. It is corny like that. This is one of the first times I have stood up for myself and ejected someone from my life because they have wronged me so bad. I am such a giver all the time, and I end up being the sucker...big time. Thanks to LS....and everyones support I have seen the pattern and ERR of alot of my dependent ways. We have to value ourselves more.......... We all do. Men and women. When we open up in a relationship we intertwine personalities/dreams/etc., We open up, but thier comes a closing point too. Our ex's who hurt us cannot have thier cake and eat it too. They get to lie in thier new bed.
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