Julia3172 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Hi, have never posted before, but read a lot of useful answers to a multitude of questions. I would like to know is there really such a thing as commitment phobia, or is it just an excuse. I have been with my partner on/off for 5 years (on/off due to his non-commitment), and 1 month ago, for the second time in 18 months, he backed out of moving in with me in favour of staying at home with his parents. I have moved twice in 18 months, both times with the promise that we will be moving in together, both times I have been left by myself. He is 34 and has never left home, never owned a house despite having plenty of money to do so, has no real friends to speak of, is very much a "glass is half empty" type personality and is generally very negative. He admits he has a problem in that he thinks of all the negative things that could happen in a situation, and thus eventually brings them about. I have tried everything, including councelling, to no avail. He always comes back to me, not me to him, and says he loves me, which I do believe, but when is enough enough? I am soooo over it this time, yet now after 4 weeks he wants to talk to sort things out again. I just think I should walk away. My fear though is if he really has decided what he wants and I walk away, how would I feel if he meets someone else and commits to them in the near future? He is more than happy to commit to a relationship with me, just not taking it to the next level and breaking many promises along the way. I'm too old to be seeing a guy who won't live with me after 5 years, nor will he leave his parents. Also I have a daughter to think about and how this is affecting her. (she is not the problem with him, or so he says, he does love her I have no doubt about that) OMG, on re-reading this I think I have answered my own question. It sounds pathetic when put in writing. Would love to hear from anybody who has been in a similar situation.
Geishawhelk Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I just think I should walk away. .... OMG, on re-reading this I think I have answered my own question. It sounds pathetic when put in writing. Would love to hear from anybody who has been in a similar situation. Yup. You've answered your own question. You've essentially put 5 years on hold for this guy, and so long as you keep caving and taking him back - what's to commit to? Even if he does meet someone else, to whom he DOES commit, well, c'est la vie.....but at 34? never left home? Somehow, I don't see it.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Yeah, I say quit wasting your energy. I recently broke it off with a guy who ran very hot (saying I'm the love of his life, blah blah blah) and cold (pushing me away as soon as we got close). I discovered he's always had commitment problems. Though we were very compatible in some ways, overall I was very unhappy and never really felt right about things. Your guy might move on to be with someone else who will find that he's enough for her, but it's obviously not enough for you, and that's what matters. After five years, nothing's going to change.
raclar Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I was in a similar situation... dated a guy for 4.5 years who promised commitment in the future and then never followed through. Eventually I broke it off. 2 weeks later he was in Hawaii with his new girlfriend and 6 months later they were married. I look back on it now and I regret spending so much time when him when he strung me along, basically. He was pretty much hanging out with me while waiting for something better to come along! Looking back, I'm glad that things didn't go any further with him else I would be VERY unhappy today, if they had. If you aren't getting what you want and you think you deserve, I would seriously consider leaving. An important thing to consider in relationships is how that person makes you feel about yourself and it doesn't sound like he's doing anything positive for you on that front.
Author Julia3172 Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Thanks for the replies, they all make perfect sense. I think I just needed to hear it from someone impartial who doesn't know us. I'm moving on, not waiting anymore. Besides even if he did move in his negativity would come with him and destroy us eventually. Thanks again
Ruby Slippers Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Good for you. Let us know how it all works out.
SarahRose Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 This man needs to grow up. Can you imagine what your life would be like if he married you? I think you are wasting your time with him.
broken_promises Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I am in a very similar situation currently and, like you, I am struggling with the decision to leave or not to leave. I think the thing that makes it difficult for me to decide to leave (besides the fear that the next person to come along will get a commitment!) is that the relationship is loving and things are generally great except for the "moving to the next level" part. I'm always second-guessing whether I am making a big deal out of these broken promises and should just be happy with a loving boyfriend, regardless of the living/commitment situation. But, overall, I'm unhappy. I guess that is what it comes down to. And like another reply said... it just starts feeling like this person is biding their time with you until something better comes along. And well, that doesn't feel great everyday. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point, but I hope we both figure out what is best for us!
Ruby Slippers Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I think the thing that makes it difficult for me to decide to leave (besides the fear that the next person to come along will get a commitment!) is that the relationship is loving and things are generally great except for the "moving to the next level" part. I'm always second-guessing whether I am making a big deal out of these broken promises and should just be happy with a loving boyfriend, regardless of the living/commitment situation. But, overall, I'm unhappy. I guess that is what it comes down to. And like another reply said... it just starts feeling like this person is biding their time with you until something better comes along. And well, that doesn't feel great everyday. If your gut is telling you something's wrong, and if you don't feel that you're getting what you really need to be happy, that's all that matters. I struggled with the same thoughts for months, but I knew that what I wanted was not unreasonable. In fact, this was the first "commitment phobe" I'd ever been with. Every guy before him was all about cohabitation, melding lives, and even talked seriously about getting married. What it came down to was that overall I was unhappy. That's really all you need to know.
Recommended Posts