New here...I'm the OW I guess...

[BellaBonita1823]

Hi...so I never in my life thought that I would be in this position. I currently have feelings for a co-worker who is married with children and 8 years my senior. Let me first start by saying that I feel absolutely, painstakingly awful about this and am extremely shocked and disappointed in myself for everything that has occurred, but at the same time have never felt this way about someone and can't seem to stop. My father had two affairs on my mother when I was younger and it tore me apart. (my parents are still together and solid to this day, amazingly enough but it took me a long time to get over it) so this whole "thing" goes against everything I believe in. I have been cheated on in the past and have no tolerance for it, yet now I apparently have become the [FONT=&quot]epitome[/FONT] of what I hate. Just for the record, MM and I have never cheated prior to this (not that it makes it any better)

 

I was in a 6 year relationship with my exBF that had gone on for about 2 years longer than it should have. I ended the relationship in January of this year and was a wreck about it..you can see my posts as to why I ended said relationship, but really has nothing to do with this post) At the same time my relationship fell apart, my MM was going through some unbelievably tough times with his W. We were innocent break buddies but our issues made us become good friends, just talking our problems out with each other and being there to offer advice or solace. One day while out talking on break, it hit me that I actually had a huge crush on him, but I never for the life of me thought that it would be reciprocated.

 

One night after work, a few of the guys asked me to go out for drinks and I in turn asked MM if he wanted to go with us. He said no he couldn't but thanked me for the invite. I ran home to change and when I got to the bar was shocked that he had decided to show up. A little part of me thought hmmm...maybe he might feel the same way since he never goes out. We had some drinks, and everybody went home our separate ways, and I brushed the idea off of him having any interest. A few weeks later we were talking and decided to go out for a beer after work, but this time it was just us. We went and talked for hours and at one point he leaned over mid sentence and kissed me. I was in absolute shock to the point that I fell over. (did I forget to mention how graceful I am). I pulled myself together...literally...and we continued kissing for about an hour...nothing more. It was like I was 15 again. It was the kind of kiss where you can feel yourself smiling...yet my mind was reeling telling myself that this was beyond wrong. He called me the next day to make sure I was okay and not freaking out and to tell me how much fun he had, as bad as the situation was. I had such a mixture of pure giddiness and happiness yet was so upset about it too...Our breaks and conversations became more frequent and lengthy and we went out a bunch of other times, sometimes kissing, sometimes just talking. Either way I was happy because I was content just being around him. I felt so comfortable and everything seemed so serene when It was just us..it was like the world stopped for both of us. More and more, our feelings grew and we very slowly revealed them to each other.

 

Sooooo...fast forward to this past weekend...MM and his friends (also co-workers of ours) were going away for the weekend and had invited me months earlier to meet them up there. My friends and I were planning on going to this same weekend function and had booked a house months before anything had happened between MM and myself...so for the months leading up to this weekend, we both were really looking forward to having no curfews, nobody to answer to, but yet were both absolutely petrified because we both knew that the possibility of crossing a line was pretty high. Well...it happened. We had an amazing weekend and as much as we tried to stay away from each other, we couldn't...and didn't.

 

Now I'm at this point where I don't know what to do...he tells me that I make him unbelievably happy and that I'm amazing and I obviously think the same way about him...BUT, I am also not a naive fool (ok...well maybe a little but moving on..) I know that I will most likely be hurt in the end. I told him that I don't want him to leave his wife or do anything for me...that he has to do it for himself if he is truly not happy..and that if he does still have feelings for her to do everything in his power to fix them. He has not promised me anything, nor I him. All I know is that we truly care for each other, but I am at a complete loss for what comes next...I guess take it day by day and not bank on anything? I don't really know what I'm asking here...maybe I just needed to vent because I have nobody to talk to about this....any wisdom anyone can share??? It would be greatly appreciated...(and if you did read this whole ridiculously long vent, I apologize but am very impressed with your diligence!)

[livinginlimbo]

I think I can relate to your story because it was mine, about a year ago. Me and my MM had the most slowly evolving relationship of all time, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced in my life, and it still is. We are together again after a two month breakup, both of our previous relationships are over, but we ruined a couple of lives in the process and that guilt is always there. The true question is, is what you have with him worth it enough to outweigh the pain that you will most definitely cause to his family? Not just attraction, but a true, deep, real connection that makes you think you could be sitting together in rocking chairs at 80 years old?

[Lucky_One]

What is your work situation? Are either one of you in the direct line of supervision to the other? And what does your company say about fraternization or office affairs? Can your reputation in your industry (in your company and outside) survive what the coworkers will say about you? Are you prepared to have his wife confront you at work in front of your boss and co-workers if she finds out (and having your co-workers with you on a weekend where you consummate your EMA is a good way for the wife to find out)? If you were to lose your job if you are fired in an at-will state, do you have several months of salary in an accessible savings account, especially considering this economy?

 

Some things to think about solely from a practical standpoint.

[SUNSHINETHRUPAIN73]

I am in the same situation with a lot of twist. But the one MM that I can't have, is on my mind constantly. I think about him when I shouldn't be. We became friends over a year time frame, due to the work we did and now it like our friendship has been snatched away. We were caught and he chose his family. But when I see him now it is like his joy is gone. He does not laugh and he is always looking as if he is pretending to be happily married. So hopefully through your thread I will get understanding and revelation. This is week 7 of no contact.

[itiswhatitis]

Hi I'm the MM. Well, I guess I'm on the other side of your situation. Almost same thing. strained marriage on the rocks for a long while. I wasn't looking for anyone. STBExW wanted open relationship, I didn't really care. She encouraged me to go "get some". I wasnt interested. Then there was a "Hello" moment. There she was. I struggled for months with what I was feeling. Little did I know she was interested too. Well, we were romantically involved for several months. (I told STBExW everything as it happened) Very profound emotional bond, e-harmony stuff, just amazing. I wanted to leave M. OW was horrifed, she didnt want to be responsible. I understand. Long story short, OW and I dont see eachother, other then at work after I told her i was leaving W. I left anyway realizing my M had lasted as long as it was supposed to. So really, it is nice to hear the OW perspective. Now, I'm double grieving. I dont think we can help how we feel. the only thing we can controll is how we treat others affected. good luck to you.

[SerenityX2]

No wonder the wise ones that have been around here a long time say eventually the stories are pretty much the same with small twists.

 

Usually I'm very wordy (b/c I like to be clear ) but I'd advise you to read Kismetgirls posts....your stories have many of the same hallmarks.

 

In a nutshell, you feel this way b/c it's forbidden thus appears to be even more magical. It's simply a fog that you're in which is greatly clouding rationality and what's real. It's not a colliding of destinies, it's a contrived connection, no more, no less.

 

There are those of us that will try tor reason with you and help you see that light b/c more pain than you can imagine will be headed your way if you don't stop, but it's also pretty much guaranteed you will continue on your path to disaster no matter what anyone says...the line has been crossed the draw too great or so you *think*.

 

There ARE good guys out there, you should never fall for dressed up lies.

 

But as always the choice is yours...free will baby...free will.

[BellaBonita1823]

I think I can relate to your story because it was mine, about a year ago. Me and my MM had the most slowly evolving relationship of all time, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced in my life, and it still is. We are together again after a two month breakup, both of our previous relationships are over, but we ruined a couple of lives in the process and that guilt is always there. The true question is, is what you have with him worth it enough to outweigh the pain that you will most definitely cause to his family? Not just attraction, but a true, deep, real connection that makes you think you could be sitting together in rocking chairs at 80 years old?

 

 

To answer your question, yes, I honestly do believe that not what we have now, but what we are capable of having, could survive in the long run. Our connection is real and neither one of us can believe that it's happened. We certainly didn't intend for this or have not done anything with any intended malice...Without going into a specifics, his M is, in his standpoint is done, and in no way, shape or form due to our situation. His wife, who was a really good person and someone he loved very much did some things that have shattered his life. No cheating or anything...it was all Monetary...which caused them to lose their house, etc. and her almost going to jail and then trying to kill herself. This man has had so much to deal with in the past year that I don't know how he has survived. He says I help him...and maybe in the end, that's all I will be to him...someone that helped him through the roughest time of his life...but without sounding too naive, I know that he cares. Alot. I just try to be realistic about it. His friends said to me yesterday that I was the best thing to happen to him and that they really do see us working out and that he really truly cares for me. Let me say, it is great to hear this, but I do take it with a grain of salt. I do try to keep my head in check. As for him having kids, that is not an issue for me. My 6 year relationship involved two children that I helped raise, so the responsibility of that doesn't bother me.

[BellaBonita1823]

What is your work situation? Are either one of you in the direct line of supervision to the other? And what does your company say about fraternization or office affairs? Can your reputation in your industry (in your company and outside) survive what the coworkers will say about you? Are you prepared to have his wife confront you at work in front of your boss and co-workers if she finds out (and having your co-workers with you on a weekend where you consummate your EMA is a good way for the wife to find out)? If you were to lose your job if you are fired in an at-will state, do you have several months of salary in an accessible savings account, especially considering this economy?

 

Some things to think about solely from a practical standpoint.

 

 

Ugh...well...I work in law enforcement, which from the beginning, everyone told me was a breeding ground for affairs and failed marriages. I thought everyone was crazy, and I certainly never thought I'd have anything to do with a situation like that...and now look at me...unbelievable...So to answer your question, no there are no policies saying we cannot fraternize, everybody at work for the past 9 months has just automatically assumed that we were having a physical relationship and would make jabs/comments on a daily basis (which I laughed off..gotta have a tough skin where I work) Everybody just pretty much expects us to be together in the long run. My bosses think that he is a great person and I am one of their favorites, so they are all for it. Everyone is pretty much laissez faire and accepting of the situation which freaks me out....So no, I cannot lose my job. The weekend thing with the co-workers...like I said, everyone assumed we have been for months anyways (which we weren't) and we certainly weren't blatant about it. I'm not that kind of person. We were discreet about it. It was really hard to come to make the decision to go through with it. And he was great about it. No pressure, no nothing. At the end of the weekend, I stayed Sunday and hung out with the girls and had a blast, while they all left early. He called me later in the day while I was out and he was so sad...so depressed...he said he didn't want to be back in reality and that this past weekend he was so happy and stress free and actually got to enjoy himself and be himself again. It breaks my heart because he is such a giving, amazing person and he gets nothing from his W. Not a thank you for sticking with me...not a thank you for working overtime 3 days a week to try and fix my mistakes..nothing. He told her last week that after everything is settled with their finances, that he wants out of the M. Her reply was "oh. okay." blank stare. I don't know, I'm ranting again.....

[2sure]

Just something that crossed my mind while reading your post -

 

You were a child of a marriage that suffered through infidelity at least twice. You state how awful the ordeal was for you, how much it has affected you. Yet, here you are. You go so far as to say that because of the suffering your own family did, that you know better than most how wrong this is. Yet, here you are. And it does seem odd, until I thought about -

 

A child raised, for example, with domestic violence, is more inclined to have the same problem in their adult relationships. They know the terrible affects, yet the cycle continues. Same thing with poverty, with saome addictions, etc.

 

I'm no pro, just something that crossed my mind.

 

You kind of defend your actions by saying you couldnt help it, the attraction is just there, etc. It isnt a reason at all - you know that right?

[BellaBonita1823]

SUNSHINETHRUPAIN73...I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now, that must be excruciating. And that is a big fear of mine..that I could lose him as a friend, which would kill me. I told him a few months ago that the friendship was extremely important to me and if at anytime either one of us felt uncomfortable or pressured or too involved to stop because I'd rather have the friendship than end up having a bitter, strained relationship and have to work together for the next 20 years...I think it's great that you are doing nc, and although it must be agonizing, I'm sure it will prove that you do have REAL legitimate feelings for eachother...?

[Reggie]

Two things come to mind. First, this was planned. It did not happen by accident or "just happen" as some folks claim. Clearly you were both cultivating your feelings and making plans to have an affair. All the behavior leading up to conusmation shows this.

second, have you considered the effect this affair will have on his spouse and family? Regardless of the truth of what he tells you about her behavior and their marriage, she has done nothing to deserve the type of pain infidelity brings. He had other options if he was not happy and wanted out.

So, how do you feel about participating in something that will greivously injure antoher person, a person that has done nothing to you and that does not deserve this? Would you like someone to deceive and hurt you like this?

[BellaBonita1823]

Hi I'm the MM. Well, I guess I'm on the other side of your situation. Almost same thing. strained marriage on the rocks for a long while. I wasn't looking for anyone. STBExW wanted open relationship, I didn't really care. She encouraged me to go "get some". I wasnt interested. Then there was a "Hello" moment. There she was. I struggled for months with what I was feeling. Little did I know she was interested too. Well, we were romantically involved for several months. (I told STBExW everything as it happened) Very profound emotional bond, e-harmony stuff, just amazing. I wanted to leave M. OW was horrifed, she didnt want to be responsible. I understand. Long story short, OW and I dont see eachother, other then at work after I told her i was leaving W. I left anyway realizing my M had lasted as long as it was supposed to. So really, it is nice to hear the OW perspective. Now, I'm double grieving. I dont think we can help how we feel. the only thing we can controll is how we treat others affected. good luck to you.

 

 

That is really awful that you have to grieve not once, but twice...for one, I def don't believe in an open marriage and I personally don't understand how people can handle it, but to each their own. But on the bright side of what has happened to you (trying to be positive here) you aren't in a marriage that you weren't truly happy in anymore...you said it had lasted as long as it was supposed to, and she (your StbExW), didn't seem to be emotionally or physically invested anymore, and was trying to get you to be with someone else which is not fair to you...As for the OW..I can understand a little why she freaked, because it would be overwhelming...especially because she probably thought that it would never come to fruition, but maybe within time, she will come around, get over the guilt and shock of the situation and then you guys can have an amazing relationship...and i hope that it happens...as long as it's what you still want that is! Thanks for your post!

[BellaBonita1823]

Just something that crossed my mind while reading your post -

 

You were a child of a marriage that suffered through infidelity at least twice. You state how awful the ordeal was for you, how much it has affected you. Yet, here you are. You go so far as to say that because of the suffering your own family did, that you know better than most how wrong this is. Yet, here you are. And it does seem odd, until I thought about -

 

A child raised, for example, with domestic violence, is more inclined to have the same problem in their adult relationships. They know the terrible affects, yet the cycle continues. Same thing with poverty, with saome addictions, etc.

 

I'm no pro, just something that crossed my mind.

 

You kind of defend your actions by saying you couldnt help it, the attraction is just there, etc. It isnt a reason at all - you know that right?

 

 

For one, I know posting on here I am setting myself up to be judged, so will not take offense to anything and I am not going to be defensive.

 

I personally don't believe that the whole cycle thing is valid in this situation. I think people are capable of making their own decisions in life (for the most part..but issues like addiction, poverty, stuff like that is a different story) I actually can't stand when people use their past as a crutch...I did not enter this "thing" because my father did it. I simply stated that my dad did it and it really hurt my family, so that's why I do feel awful. I know it's wrong. I'm admitting what I'm doing is wrong. I'm not trying to glamorize it. Nor am I trying to give reasons as to why I am doing it....I'm here because I have never been in this situation, never intended to be in this situation and now am at a loss for what to do and really can't go and speak about it with my family or friends...

[BellaBonita1823]

Two things come to mind. First, this was planned. It did not happen by accident or "just happen" as some folks claim. Clearly you were both cultivating your feelings and making plans to have an affair. All the behavior leading up to conusmation shows this.

second, have you considered the effect this affair will have on his spouse and family? Regardless of the truth of what he tells you about her behavior and their marriage, she has done nothing to deserve the type of pain infidelity brings. He had other options if he was not happy and wanted out.

So, how do you feel about participating in something that will greivously injure antoher person, a person that has done nothing to you and that does not deserve this? Would you like someone to deceive and hurt you like this?

 

First, thank you for responding...

Second, This was not planned. I said we had an idea that the possibility and the opportunity were there but we never said "hey this weekend, it's going to happen." It could have happened in the past, but we both refused to let it happen. And I do know the truth of their relationship, and not just from him, but to answer your question, of course I don't feel good about this whole deception/grievously injuring someone else who has done nothing to me, and no I wouldn't want it done to me. It's kind of an absurd question. I may seem like a monster to you, but actually am a very nice person. I understand that we should have waited until if and when the marriage was over. But we didn't. So, for the record, I am not a vindictive, spiteful person out to hurt someone, and yes I do have morals and a conscience and I thought I made it pretty clear that this DOES bother me....

[DealingWDrama]

My only advice I can give you is to go to www.fivelovelanguages.com and watch their video on love languages. Gary Smalley lines out how affairs start...and what their consequences are.

Good luck

[Reggie]

Not that it is terribly important, but I cannot understand how you can characterize this as unplanned. You were not unconcious while these feelings were building. Nor were you unaware of what was happening as it took place. Clearly, at some point, you formed the intent to have an extramarital affair with this guy.

Regardless, I have no reason to doubt that you have some level of misgiving about this. It's just not at a high enough level to prvent you from engaging in this hurtful behavior. I'm sure you will agree that your feelings of guilt or whatever will , in no way, lessen the pain you will inflict on his spouse (not sure if there are kids, but , if so, they will feel it , too).

So, what is the thought process that allows you to justify this to yourself. You allude to his wife's past mistakes or misdeeds, but acknowledge that they do not make her deserving of this pain. You mention that you feel somewhat bad about this but you persist?

I'm just not sure(no, I am sure) that someone that has not felt the pain of this type of betrayal actually appreciates the extent of the damage an affair causes a betrayed spouse.

On the marriagebuilder's website, the site owner talks about the level of pain a betrayed person feels. He surveyed women who had expierienced the trauma of rape and/or the death of a child and asked them to compare it with the pain of having been betrayed by a spouse.He found that the damage was much greater, the pain more intenese from the betrayal. I realize this is not scientific but this was his conclusion.

How does a woman's mishandling of money or her other mistakes play into your justification for greviously injuring her? She has done nothing to you, has she?

See, the very fact that you need to mention that she has done wrong in her marriage is evidence that somewhere , in some corner of your mind or conscience, you need to justify what you know is immoral and hurtful to another. I think you should listen to your conscience and stop hurting this woman.

[jj33]

Bella all I can say is dont go there. But noone can tell you if you are in the honeymoon phase and want to continue on you will.

 

MM and I work in the same industry. Several years ago our businesses became entwined. We are both in a position where neither of us is leaving and on the work front it is a wonderful partnership - even now more than a year after the A has ended.

 

However the enormous pain of having to speak to him about work and pretend I was not still in love with him was more painful than anything I can remember - more than other break ups, more than death of a close family member more than.. more than anything I have ever known. Maybe its just me but it was awful. And he was not awful. He was just being him and it was over at that point but we were still in each others face on each others email and in each others lives on a professional basis.

 

The problem is you ahve to behave at work and you have the good times together. But if you fall for each other, unless he decides to leave, then at some point it will become painful for you if the stolen moments are not enough.

 

And eventually (if a D day or something else doesnt happen to end it first) the pain may become too much and you may decide to end it. And regardless of how it ends if it ends while you are still working together it will be difficult. Its different than a normal break up because the other person is still as avaialble as they ever were and will likely still be interested in seeing you on that same basis (the A). So it becomes incumbent on you to say no because the thing that you love is the thing that is hurting you.

 

Do you really want to go through all that at work?

 

I cant tell you its not worth it. Everyone has to make their own decisions. But if it doesnt have a good ending, then its very very painful and the odds are stacked against you.

 

If you do this, just make sure you go in eyes wide open.

[BellaBonita1823]

Not that it is terribly important, but I cannot understand how you can characterize this as unplanned. You were not unconcious while these feelings were building. Nor were you unaware of what was happening as it took place. Clearly, at some point, you formed the intent to have an extramarital affair with this guy.

Regardless, I have no reason to doubt that you have some level of misgiving about this. It's just not at a high enough level to prvent you from engaging in this hurtful behavior. I'm sure you will agree that your feelings of guilt or whatever will , in no way, lessen the pain you will inflict on his spouse (not sure if there are kids, but , if so, they will feel it , too).

So, what is the thought process that allows you to justify this to yourself. You allude to his wife's past mistakes or misdeeds, but acknowledge that they do not make her deserving of this pain. You mention that you feel somewhat bad about this but you persist?

I'm just not sure(no, I am sure) that someone that has not felt the pain of this type of betrayal actually appreciates the extent of the damage an affair causes a betrayed spouse.

On the marriagebuilder's website, the site owner talks about the level of pain a betrayed person feels. He surveyed women who had expierienced the trauma of rape and/or the death of a child and asked them to compare it with the pain of having been betrayed by a spouse.He found that the damage was much greater, the pain more intenese from the betrayal. I realize this is not scientific but this was his conclusion.

How does a woman's mishandling of money or her other mistakes play into your justification for greviously injuring her? She has done nothing to you, has she?

See, the very fact that you need to mention that she has done wrong in her marriage is evidence that somewhere , in some corner of your mind or conscience, you need to justify what you know is immoral and hurtful to another. I think you should listen to your conscience and stop hurting this woman.

 

 

Okay, I really do appreciate your time and your response. I really am not trying to make excuses, although that is how it must be (and is being) perceived. I agree its wrong, hurtful, deceitful and I'll throw in a selfish coward ness too for good measure...soooo, new question...how can I make my heart stop feeling this way? How do I walk away from the strongest feelings I've ever felt for another human being in all 28 years of my life, including my 6 year, almost married relationship? I understand that his W would be crushed, and the thought of causing someone else pain is not something I am proud of. I also understand that this could all backfire in my face...BUT I simply cannot figure out how to NOT feel the way I do about him.

[BellaBonita1823]

Bella all I can say is dont go there. But noone can tell you if you are in the honeymoon phase and want to continue on you will.

 

MM and I work in the same industry. Several years ago our businesses became entwined. We are both in a position where neither of us is leaving and on the work front it is a wonderful partnership - even now more than a year after the A has ended.

 

However the enormous pain of having to speak to him about work and pretend I was not still in love with him was more painful than anything I can remember - more than other break ups, more than death of a close family member more than.. more than anything I have ever known. Maybe its just me but it was awful. And he was not awful. He was just being him and it was over at that point but we were still in each others face on each others email and in each others lives on a professional basis.

 

The problem is you ahve to behave at work and you have the good times together. But if you fall for each other, unless he decides to leave, then at some point it will become painful for you if the stolen moments are not enough.

 

And eventually (if a D day or something else doesnt happen to end it first) the pain may become too much and you may decide to end it. And regardless of how it ends if it ends while you are still working together it will be difficult. Its different than a normal break up because the other person is still as avaialble as they ever were and will likely still be interested in seeing you on that same basis (the A). So it becomes incumbent on you to say no because the thing that you love is the thing that is hurting you.

 

Do you really want to go through all that at work?

 

I cant tell you its not worth it. Everyone has to make their own decisions. But if it doesnt have a good ending, then its very very painful and the odds are stacked against you.

 

If you do this, just make sure you go in eyes wide open.

 

Thanks so much...I appreciate your sincerity. It's nice to hear from someone who has been in the situation (on my end) and not be chastised or judged (and I don't mean that nastily...i just really need to hear from someone in the situation and not someone telling me I'm awful and wrong and to just shut my feelings off like a faucet because believe me, I wish it were that easy...) i really am trying to see this with eyes wide open...I understand the consequences at work and that really does frighten me. Everything about this situation frightens me. You obviously are feeling the after effects now and it must be excruciating...I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now..I have never wanted something so much in my life, but on the other hand, I've never wanted feelings to stop so much either!

[jj33]

Thanks so much...I appreciate your sincerity. It's nice to hear from someone who has been in the situation (on my end) and not be chastised or judged (and I don't mean that nastily...i just really need to hear from someone in the situation and not someone telling me I'm awful and wrong and to just shut my feelings off like a faucet because believe me, I wish it were that easy...) i really am trying to see this with eyes wide open...I understand the consequences at work and that really does frighten me. Everything about this situation frightens me. You obviously are feeling the after effects now and it must be excruciating...I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now..I have never wanted something so much in my life, but on the other hand, I've never wanted feelings to stop so much either!

 

Bella. Unless you sincerely think this is the man you want forever and he has talked about leaving and is sincere about it. Dont go there.

 

Otherwise it will all end in tears. You are scared with good reason.

 

If you were saying I dont want him to leave i am ok with a fling I understand he is going through a rough patch in his marriage and I know it will end sooner or later then that is one thing... although I would then say to you look at what some of the MMs have posted on infidelity. It changes them forever and they are wracked with guilt.

 

I can tell you with my own situation the man involved is still totally torn apart. Not wanting to leave but wanting to be with me in some fashion or other. But its not a competition. Its not a tug of war. Its not about winning.

 

This man has to decide what he wants. Does he want to work things out with his wife? And do you want to be the little experiment while he works out his feelings. I dont say that harshly but that is what it amounts to even if there is real love involved. If he is struggling in his mind with what to do you are the one helping him on some level to process that struggle.

 

And its not a question of whether he wants you or her. Its a question of whether he wants his marriage. Its like you are looking at a train wreck and you can see it coming towards you. The question is whether you are going to step away from the tracks....

 

Those who ended up with the MM will say differently but I dont think its a wise move. Sometimes it is. If you feel so drawn to the person that you feel it is worth the pain that will certainly follow for you and the man in question if not for anyone else. Because even if the family never finds out someone always gets hurt. Noone walks away from these things unchanged .There is joy and there are wonderful moments but there is always extreme pain.

 

Its a masochistic decision to go into something like this eyes wide open if you are not, like Lizzie 60 or OWoman really OK with the idea that this is just what it is and that if there is fallout in the workplace later you will be able to handle it and let it roll off you like water off a ducks back.

 

I wish I had something more positive to say about it. I wouldnt not have missed what I had with MM. But the cost was very very high. had I known how high it was going in I would not have done it.

[Owl]

Okay, I really do appreciate your time and your response. I really am not trying to make excuses, although that is how it must be (and is being) perceived. I agree its wrong, hurtful, deceitful and I'll throw in a selfish coward ness too for good measure...soooo, new question...how can I make my heart stop feeling this way? How do I walk away from the strongest feelings I've ever felt for another human being in all 28 years of my life, including my 6 year, almost married relationship? I understand that his W would be crushed, and the thought of causing someone else pain is not something I am proud of. I also understand that this could all backfire in my face...BUT I simply cannot figure out how to NOT feel the way I do about him.

 

Do you REALLY want an answer to this question? It can be done, with time and effort.

 

But if you're not willing to consider that time and effort, there's no point in discussing it further.

[Reggie]

Bella, dealing with this is simple, not easy. Like just about anything really worth doing in life, it takes discipline and hard work.

First, you need to stop the affair. Then, you need to start looking within to figure out why you were willing to do something that goes against your principles and values. Maybe therapy would help you with this. You'll need support to keep you from relapsing. And, if you are religous, you will need to make your peace with God.

I'll bet that somewhere down the road, when you look back at this, you will be incredulous that you went down this road. It ain't like "The Bridges of Madison County" or some of the other fantasies glamorizing this stuff. Real people, people that will feel extreme pain, are involved.

[2sure]

Bella

 

In my previous reply to your post, you thought I was being judgemental. I only mention it because really, that was the furthest from my mind. I try not to write anything if I feel that way.

 

By answering with my thoughts regarding family problems, and cycles - like infidelity - I really was just adding food for thought. I would never ever assume rightousness.

 

Thats what were here for right?

 

Sometimes you dont get the replies you are looking for. Sometimes when people post, they arent asking a question. But its a good thing to have different perspectives.

[jwi71]

I'm kind of at a loss for words right now..I have never wanted something so much in my life, but on the other hand, I've never wanted feelings to stop so much either!

 

Read that line again dear.

 

This isn't cold feet. This isn't normal "in love insecurity". You mention above about feeling awful. From where do these feelings come from?

 

What is awful? The fact you are the OW (other woman)? The role you played in destroying the marriage/reconciliation? The fact that neither of you respect marriage? Do you fear his commitment to you? What?

 

What is awful? Why do you want your feelings to stop? What are you afraid of?

 

I happen to think you are on the express train to catastrophe. I also happen to think you already know it at some level - hence your posting.

[jj33]

Bella chances are unless you are very very grounded (and I mean this with no disrepect) you are going to do this.

 

Otherwise you would not have posted. When something is taboo to you, you dont even credit the feelings or the innuendos. Its simply an uncrossable line.

 

It is obviously not an uncrossable line for you. And everyone wants to believe going into it that they can handle it and that her situation will be "different" somehow.

 

But read the posts here. 99% of the time they are not. And when work is involved its even worse there is no total NC unless you quit your job. It haunts you daily after it is over. Its not like a normal break up. Theres really nothing good to be said.

 

If this was some guy who was a consultant to your company in another state, yeah maybe the stakes would not be so high. But this is your break buddy.

 

Cut it off now. While you still have a fighting chance