PandaStillLovesBunny Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I don't know where I should post this. But I just needed to get it out here. I need somebody to listen, because it's so frustrating. My girlfriend has, for the longest time, had problems with anxiety and mental illness. She claims to have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but this was before we met. Her problems were so bad that our eventual first date was in the hospital, when she had to get her meds adjusted. We had tried to meet twice previously, but her condition left her postponing things until she finally told me the truth. I didn't care; I cared about her, and went to visit. She was happy, then. She loved me. We were great together - she would kiss me, and we walked hand in hand. It was a real relationship. But that was then. When she left the hospital, she was cold, and distant. When we met, she behaved as if I wasn't even there. She just stared into space. She began to get more anxious as the weeks went on. She developed agoraphobia. She couldn't leave her house. She became unhealthily attached to her mother. And worst of all, she began to casually discuss suicide. Do you know how it makes a boyfriend feel when their love believes that they have nothing to live for? When you love them, and send them flowers, and are there for them, and they act as if the world is a place that hates them? When you can feel, everyday, a bit of them leaving, even though you're holding on so tight? Last week she told me she wanted to take a break. That she couldn't love me. That she couldn't love anything. And throughout the past days, I couldn't help but think: isn't psychiatry supposed to HELP people? How does one go into the hospital a functioning individual, and come out as a pile of frumpy clothes without a soul to inhabit them? Has anybody else experienced a similar effect? Will she get better, even as the "cure" makes her worse? I've been patient for so long - I love her so much. But how much hope is there? How much waiting, and faith, am I supposed to have? It's debilitating. But everytime I think about giving up, I think of her, and how I can't leave her there like this. It's not pity. It's the refusal to leave a good person, a strong person who's weathered so much and refused to give in, to die. I can't leave her for the same reasons that I love her. I just needed someone to listen.
ed-205 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I hear you, and feel for you. I know a couple who adopted a child that turned out to have schizophrenia, and I realize how difficult it can be. Hang on, and keep the faith.
JamesM Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 A few questions.... 1. Do you love her the way she is with no change necessary? Can you live with her forever this way? 2. Do you expect her to change and that is why you stay her boyfriend? 3. Do you think YOU can change her? 4. Where do you expect your relationship to be in five years? What will she be like? If you knew that she would be the same as she is today, would you stay? 5. Are you trying to fix her?
Kim666 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Unfortunately it is easy to go into a hospital a "functioning" people and come out a mess as the hospitals just feed people drugs and when they feel they are "better" they release them onto the street whether they have some where to go or not. I have been diagnosed as Bi polar II and I tend to cycle sometimes very fast. I have been in and out of hospitals that medicate me and then put me back on the street. I am medicated and stable at this point but I know someone who spent several months in an institution like a zombie being drugged because she has so many problems. Best advice...find a doctor that knows what they are doing and that both of you can talk to and who will watch her meds closely to see if there are any changes at all...because usually they have to be nipped and tucked before they become useful to anyone. Best of luck to both of you
darhma Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 There is a great book "Walking on Eggshells" that addresses this condition. This is a very difficult mental disorder. You deserve better.
Lovegod Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Do you know how it makes a boyfriend feel when their love believes that they have nothing to live for? When you love them, and send them flowers, and are there for them, and they act as if the world is a place that hates them? When you can feel, everyday, a bit of them leaving, even though you're holding on so tight? Yes. I've been through all this garbage before, and it's the most frustrating and emotionally-draining thing in the world. That's why I'm happy she ditched me. Well honestly, I wasn't happy when it happened, but after a while, it felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to deal with that 5h1t anymore. I know what it's like for a man to have the desire of helping women in need. However, most of these types of problems require a different type of help and support than what you can give. Love and gifts will not make her feel better. Dealing with whatever internal issues she has will make her better. I would suggest that you go ahead with the break. In her state, she cannot give you any love. She cannot even give herself any love. You need to leave her, to let her heal on her own. If you don't, she'll just drag you right down to her level and you'll be just as miserable as she is. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it's what she needs right now. It will also protect you from sinking down to the level of depression she's at, and trust me, it's easy to get sucked down with her.
Eve Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Has anybody else experienced a similar effect? Will she get better, even as the "cure" makes her worse? I've been patient for so long - I love her so much. But how much hope is there? How much waiting, and faith, am I supposed to have? It's debilitating. But everytime I think about giving up, I think of her, and how I can't leave her there like this. It's not pity. It's the refusal to leave a good person, a strong person who's weathered so much and refused to give in, to die. I can't leave her for the same reasons that I love her. I just needed someone to listen. Maybe you could just be her friend? I think that this would be more than enough in the present set of circumstances. Maybe its a case that this lady needs to find the right balance of meds .. but this is usually a time limited thing and so there are no guarantees how long she may have periods where she will be without the illness at very best. I have a friend who has psychiatric problems and I have to be careful of her because she is simply too negative for words at times! She is receiving CBT at the moment and I have left her to hopefully make some progress, rather than be there for her moment by moment reflections. Of course, she is a lovely woman but really in no fit state to have a relationship.. this would make her symptoms worsen because she cant cope very well with comparisons. Its like she has too many regrets and hurts and cant process them all so gives up frequently when the dark clouds of depression gather around her. CBT can help my friend to challenge these thought patterns and is a useful tool within many psychiatric problems.. Your friend does not sound to be in good shape at all but she must be very ill to be in such a place. What concerns me is that you are trying to have a relationship in such a dire environment. Well, it is altogether just within her environment really. From what you have said, I do not believe that your relationship can exist anywhere other than within an institution styled environment. If I were you I would talk to someone about this relationship a bit further. A good friend would be ideal or a family member, or something. On the one hand you are exhibiting a large degree of kindness but on the other you are being a bit of a doormat, in that none of your needs are really being met. I take this to be a bad sign.
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