Lost Rider Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I recently found this forum after finding out my W started an A. I have reached my own conclusions and after reading what others had posted wanted to share. I found out via the computer that W had started the A with MM. When confronted she opened up and as far as I can tell has been honest in answering my questions. We are geographically separated due to our jobs and will not be back under the same roof for about another year.W told me she was going to tell me the first time we were together face to face, I just found out first. She has not refused to answer any questions so far. W has asked for time to work out the relationship with MM, who has not told his spouse. My W is not physically located with the MM and they have strictly an electronic relationship right now, although it started physically. W indicates MM has not been willing to tell his W due to their children. We have children and they are our greatest love. I have heard from W that she wants me to be a happy and confident man. According to her I have been too dependent on her from my happiness. Her actions have opened my eyes to myself. We had our own issues in our marriage, but she did not have the right to have an A. I had my eyes closed to those as well until now. Initially I had to make one of two choices, leave or stay. My decision very quickly was not to leave. I love my wife and know that she loves me as well. The first time I saw her face to face I told her I forgave her. I have decided to stay. I am in counseling and it is wonderful for me. I have also found religion that I have never had before. At first I was suffering from anxiety, not eating and lost a bunch of weight. I am better now with the anxiety and am eating more normally again. I am happy with my decisions about what I am doing. I have made several realizations so far. I am a happy and confident person, even more so now. I have great kids who I love more than ever now, I have a wonderful job that I'm happy to go to every day, I have a W I love, I am becoming a better person and I have great friends. I have heard the gambit from my friends and family on what I should do. I have talked to attorneys and friend who have faced similar circumstances. I have made a choice to try and working things out. This will take years. I still hurt and am angry at times, that is what counseling is for. My W has not made up her mind what she wants to do. I fully understand that our marriage may not stay together. My choices and I'm happy about them. With love and patience only good can come out of this hardship. I had to reach my decisions for myself. The best advice anyone gave me was to get counseling. Having a person who has no emotional attachments to you has been what I needed. I take every day one day at a time.
White Flower Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I have made several realizations so far. I am a happy and confident person, even more so now. I have great kids who I love more than ever now, I have a wonderful job that I'm happy to go to every day I had to reach my decisions for myself. The best advice anyone gave me was to get counseling. Having a person who has no emotional attachments to you has been what I needed. I take every day one day at a time. Lost Rider, You sound like you have really thought things through. What a gift you must be to your wife and children to not make rash decisions and to be as patient as you are. My hope for you is that you get through this which I am sure you will because of all the revelations, or self-actualization, that you have discovered. Divorced or married, it sounds as though you will be a whole person. Best wishes, WF.
Bryanp Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Your wife sounds like a total cake eater. She wanted to tell you face to face which is why she did not tell you?.....Oh please. She had no intention of telling you. You need to expose to the OM's wife if possible. It seems pretty clear that if the OM was to leave his wife then she would leave you. She has you as the fall back guy for now and still has made no committment. You forgave her immediately which makes her feel she will always have you no matter what she does. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I am sorry for you. You sound like a good guy who deserves much better. She continues to disrespect you. Nobody respects a doormat which I am fearful that which you have become. She needs to respect you and realize what she stands to lose. You actions have shown just the opposite. Nevertheless I wish you luck.
Reggie Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Can't hurt to work on yourself and become more confidant. Realizing that you alone are responsible for your well being is the key. Your wife is not as evolved as you. I think you will outgrow her unless she does lots of work on herself. There are many women walking this earth that will not lie and cheat as your wife has. Maybe after this transformation, you will find one.
In Like Flynn Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I also doubt she was going to tell you unless she was to chose divorce and being with OM. You have basically become Plan B...second choice. Right now she wants the OM and if he wants to stay with his wife then she will settle for you. Also I am not sure why you work send you and your wife away from each other for over a year....which is a marriage killer...but that needs to stop immediately no matter how much money you make. I have a friend who took a contract job in Iraq for a year.....well his marriage didn't survive. Is the money worth it??? Make sure the OM doesn't get to zip up his pants and move on with no consequences while you and your wife have to struggle thru recovery. Well if OM doesn't want her and then she settles for you that is!!
Author Lost Rider Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 I also wondered weather or not she was going to actually tell me. She did not hide what I found that started all of this. She has not tried to hide anything since I confronted her. I feel like I'm working on my schedule and not hers/his right now. I am making my own decisions and am not being influenced by them. I understand where it appears to place me, but it is my choice. She fully understands that I may not always be around and that I may grow tired of waiting. She also has said she understands she may be without either of us. Some of the advice I have been given by the counselor was to keep status quo until we are back together. I have already lost my relationship with my wife. I loose nothing by waiting and trying to build a new one. My W fully understands I am not a doormat. I had two choices to start with stay or leave. I choose to stay. I'm being patient because I want to be, not because I have to be. Doormats have to stay in place until someone else moves them. Forgiveness was mine to give, and I would have forgiven her even if I had chosen divorce from the start. Both of our jobs separated us, not just mine. It was a joint decision and after 15 years of marriage we believed we could handle it. As far as telling OM's wife, right now I am leaving that up to him. I believe for him to be the man he claims to be he needs to tell his wife. I have talked with him and told him that. I have also told this to my W. They will have consequences to their actions. My W has been totally surprised by my actions. She thought I would cut bait and run to divorce. She has found respect for me what I am doing. The OM has also been surprised at my patience. I believe that each day brings me greater strength. Thank you for the replies. I understand what I am doing is not for everyone, but it is my decision and I am happy with it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 My W fully understands I am not a doormat. I had two choices to start with stay or leave. I choose to stay. I'm being patient because I want to be, not because I have to be. Doormats have to stay in place until someone else moves them. Not that I disagree with your overall choice, but doormats are called thus because of thier actions. It doesn't matter what your intentions or reasons are... just what you do or don't do. I don't like the fact that you allow her continued contact with this guy! That should be a dealbreaker. Frankly, its too permissive and seems very doormatlike. On the other hand I understand that the distance can make it difficult. Have you considered dating a little? Perhaps once you realize there are other women who may be interested in you... you may gain some of the confidence back. You state that she feels you are too emotionally dependant on her.
imagine Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 The OMW deserves to know. Do it. Please get a copy of "Surviving an affair" by Dr Harley. That way we will all be on the same page when you next post.
Al_Bundy Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I recently found this forum after finding out my W started an A. I have reached my own conclusions and after reading what others had posted wanted to share. I found out via the computer that W had started the A with MM. When confronted she opened up and as far as I can tell has been honest in answering my questions. We are geographically separated due to our jobs and will not be back under the same roof for about another year.W told me she was going to tell me the first time we were together face to face, I just found out first. She has not refused to answer any questions so far. W has asked for time to work out the relationship with MM She isn't in a position to ask for anything, much less more time with her MM and for the affair to continue. I have heard from W that she wants me to be a happy and confident man. she wants you to be confident? Does she not realize that she emasculated you? According to her I have been too dependent on her from my happiness. Her actions have opened my eyes to myself. We had our own issues in our marriage, but she did not have the right to have an A. I had my eyes closed to those as well until now. Please tell me you aren't going to roll over like a puppy dog because of what she did. You can choose to work on things, but don't let her bring you down. Initially I had to make one of two choices, leave or stay. My decision very quickly was not to leave. I love my wife and know that she loves me as well. She has a funny way of showing it. I am in counseling and it is wonderful for me. Is she in counseling as well? Because if she is not, then it looks like nothing will get fixed. Looks like all of the burden is on you if that is the case. I have made several realizations so far. I am a happy and confident person, even more so now. I have great kids who I love more than ever now, I have a wonderful job that I'm happy to go to every day, I have a W I love, I am becoming a better person and I have great friends. I have heard the gambit from my friends and family on what I should do. I have talked to attorneys and friend who have faced similar circumstances. I have made a choice to try and working things out. This will take years. I still hurt and am angry at times, that is what counseling is for. My W has not made up her mind what she wants to do. what??? You mean you decided to forgive her and work on the marriage, and you are in counseling, but the cheater of a wife hasn't decided? Man, this is a major problem. You are working on something that she may not want. In any case, you are doing all this stuff to fix things and it looks like she isn't doing jack. I don't see it working. I had to reach my decisions for myself. The best advice anyone gave me was to get counseling. Having a person who has no emotional attachments to you has been what I needed. I take every day one day at a time. And the advice of counseling was good advice. But if she isn't going to counseling, then its a lost cause. Afterall, SHE is the one the is in need of counseling more than you.
Al_Bundy Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Lost Rider, You sound like you have really thought things through. What a gift you must be to your wife Only one problem, his wife isn't appreciating the chance she is getting because I don't think she is in counseling and she doesn't know what she wants. Divorced or married, it sounds as though you will be a whole person. I wholeheartedly agree there. He sounds like a good man. Hopefully he finds happiness, with or without her.
pelicanpreacher Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I found out via the computer that W had started the A with MM. When confronted she opened up and as far as I can tell has been honest in answering my questions. We are geographically separated due to our jobs and will not be back under the same roof for about another year.W told me she was going to tell me the first time we were together face to face, I just found out first. She has not refused to answer any questions so far. W has asked for time to work out the relationship with MM, who has not told his spouse. My W is not physically located with the MM and they have strictly an electronic relationship right now, although it started physically. W indicates MM has not been willing to tell his W due to their children. We have children and they are our greatest love. I have heard from W that she wants me to be a happy and confident man. According to her I have been too dependent on her from my happiness. I also wondered weather or not she was going to actually tell me. She did not hide what I found that started all of this. She has not tried to hide anything since I confronted her. I feel like I'm working on my schedule and not hers/his right now. I am making my own decisions and am not being influenced by them. I understand where it appears to place me, but it is my choice. She fully understands that I may not always be around and that I may grow tired of waiting. She also has said she understands she may be without either of us. Some of the advice I have been given by the counselor was to keep status quo until we are back together. I have already lost my relationship with my wife. I loose nothing by waiting and trying to build a new one. My W fully understands I am not a doormat. I had two choices to start with stay or leave. I choose to stay. I'm being patient because I want to be, not because I have to be. Doormats have to stay in place until someone else moves them. Forgiveness was mine to give, and I would have forgiven her even if I had chosen divorce from the start. As far as telling OM's wife, right now I am leaving that up to him. I believe for him to be the man he claims to be he needs to tell his wife. I have talked with him and told him that. I have also told this to my W. They will have consequences to their actions. My W has been totally surprised by my actions. She thought I would cut bait and run to divorce. She has found respect for me what I am doing. The OM has also been surprised at my patience. I believe that each day brings me greater strength. Don't you find it the least bit odd that your wife has been so forthecoming about the facts of her affair? You missed the hidden message in her assertions that you depend too much on her for your happiness, her meaning when she says that she wants you to be a happy and confidant man, or the implications of your wife's acceptance of the fact that in the end she may lose the both of you. Also, I think you may have totally misread her reaction to the fact that you didn't decide to cut bait and divorce her upon revelation of her infidelity or, worse yet, decision to stand idly by while she worked out her relationship issues with her MM. When you decided to instantly forgive her and then made the assumption that the MM she was involved with had enough character to inform his wife upon your confrontation of the affair put the icing on the cake! From the outside looking in while reading between the lines this is probably how their conversation went: OM: When you told me your husband was a pathetic wimp I only half believed you until he called me whining about "If I believe you to be the man you claim to be you need to tell your wife". Then he tells me he's gonna trust me to do it! I almost laughed in his face and asked him what kind of man do you think I am if I cheat on my wife to boink yours, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha! Wife: Giggle,giggle,giggle! Yeah, he had the same conversation with me and I told him that the only reason that you haven't been able to tell your wife yet was because you had children at home and didn't want them to get hurt...like I don't, right? (shakes her head in disbelief) OM: I got the impression that he's kinda clingy and needy. Wife: You don't know the half of it. I purposely left my laptop out so that he could find out about us. I even told him in graphic detail everything about our affair and you know what he did? HE INSTANTLY FORGAVE ME! And when I said I needed more time to work out my relationship with you and that I accepted the fact that I might lose the both of you in the end all he could mumble was something like, "Okay, but I probably can't wait forever"! Ugh, I am so done with him! OM: Hubby sounds completely spineless. What kind of guy just lets people walk all over him like that. Wife: A thumb-sucking card-carrying lifetime member of the "Wimp of the Worlds" club, that's what kind! Get this, when I told him he depended too much on me for his happiness and that I wanted him to be happy and confident that went right over his head. He actually thinks we respect him for being the doormat that he is! (wife laughs so hard her eyes tear up as she coughs and gasps) Wife: Anyway, he tells me that he's in marriage counseling now and has found religion! (rolls eyes) OM: Uh, if you're not going to marriage counseling with him what does he expect to accomplish? Wife: Don't know and don't care. When I see him again I'll staple the divorce papers to his forehead, take the kids, my half of the cash, and we can start anew! OM: Well, he sure has made it easy for us! Wife: Ain't life grand! LOL! OM: Okay, sweetie! I've got to get going so I can finish getting my own ducks in a row. Wife: Good-bye my love. I'll see you soon! Lostrider, you'd better find the trail soon or I fear a nasty surprise will be waiting for you! Good luck!
Author Lost Rider Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 Hmm, always fun to post on the internet. I have not posted all of the details on the internet nor the plans I may have. I'm not in marriage counseling, it takes two for that. I am taking care of me and preparing for the worst. Giving things time does me no harm if I choose to do it. Part of the advice I've been given by attorneys is to not file for divorce while we are both overseas. Finding religion was not for her, it is for me and actually does her no good, the whole adultery issue. She has always accused me of taking the easy way out, ie divorce, and was surprised when I did not just quit and move along. I don't whine. I just don't have to be a jerk, although I have more than a right to do so. Bottom line is I'm good with the decisions I am making and I am making myself a better person, not just sitting at the bottom of the barrel feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel like I've been run over and over any more. Her actions have been horrible and I may never go back to her. Their life is not easy, I'm just collecting information and waiting. Mostly I spend everyday talking to my kids and letting them know I love them. I also work on myself.
jwi71 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I find it difficult to work on a marriage when apart (are you still apart?) I also think it is too easy for your W to find comfort with him. Having said that, it sounds like you have found a path which works for you. Continue down it. Do the best you can with imperfect information in a trying time. I understand you are making yourself a better person - but I am not sure that making yourself a better comes at the expense of making the marriage better. You can work on both... I do disagree with allowing your W and OM to continue contact. It is far to easy for them to rekindle the affair if it actually truly ended. If a conversation with the OM is not sufficient, then present your "case" to his W. That will keep him distracted. OR. It will drive the two of them closer together. Only you have sense of which way that pendulum will swing. Good luck.
pelicanpreacher Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Hmm, always fun to post on the internet. I have not posted all of the details on the internet nor the plans I may have. I'm not in marriage counseling, it takes two for that. I am taking care of me and preparing for the worst. Giving things time does me no harm if I choose to do it. Part of the advice I've been given by attorneys is to not file for divorce while we are both overseas. Finding religion was not for her, it is for me and actually does her no good, the whole adultery issue. She has always accused me of taking the easy way out, ie divorce, and was surprised when I did not just quit and move along. I don't whine. I just don't have to be a jerk, although I have more than a right to do so. Bottom line is I'm good with the decisions I am making and I am making myself a better person, not just sitting at the bottom of the barrel feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel like I've been run over and over any more. Her actions have been horrible and I may never go back to her. Their life is not easy, I'm just collecting information and waiting. Mostly I spend everyday talking to my kids and letting them know I love them. I also work on myself. Now this is refreshing. Too often I read about guys growing boobs and falling all over themselves in the hopes that being "mamby pamby" is the road to their salvation. In the mean season everyone is fair game so keep your guard up, watch your flank, and no matter how hard you get rocked never let'm see you sweat! Your wife is a crafty one though isn't she? Don't get painted into any corners by any of her "reverse psychology" tactics! Know your boundaries and where your deal breakers lie so you never find yourself compromising an inch on your values. You give some people an inch and they think they're marathon runners!
Steve L Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 My God what a decent and caring person you are, unbelievable. You will find as time passes however that you are too decent for HER. Any person that does not jump at the chance for absolute and total reconciliation when offered from the offendee is unworthy of a moment of that persons(you) time. Shes not sure. Well heres how you do it, its called s#@! or get off the pot. File for divorce, just file. I will bet you will find out in a hurry where her heart lies. I think that you are in for a long hard road that is going to lead ultimately to more affairs and in the end, divorce. Call her bluff, if she loves you, she will make up her mind in a hurry. If she doesn't.....CYA! better to know now than after wasted years. Statistically these things dont survive the best of conditions. from what you describe, you are not under the best of conditions
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 She has always accused me of taking the easy way out, ie divorce This coming from the woman who couldn't come to you BEFORE cheating on you, to sort out any issues/problems/concerns she may have felt before CHOOSING to cheat on you and betray your family unit. She took the easy way out by cheating, instead of staying and doing hard work by communicating and doing marriage counselling with you. Think about telling MM's wife. It puts a stop to the affair and exposes it, takes away that hidden intensity of sneaking around. 4 eyes are better than 2.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I recently found this forum after finding out my W started an A. I have reached my own conclusions and after reading what others had posted wanted to share. I found out via the computer that W had started the A with MM. When confronted she opened up and as far as I can tell has been honest in answering my questions. We are geographically separated due to our jobs and will not be back under the same roof for about another year.W told me she was going to tell me the first time we were together face to face, I just found out first. She has not refused to answer any questions so far. W has asked for time to work out the relationship with MM, who has not told his spouse. She has no right, and all the audacity in the world to ask you for any time to work things out with her lover. Thats unacceptable. Whether you give it to her or not isn't the point. What kind of person asks for time to work things out with someone they are screwing behind your back? I know, they only have an electronic relationship, so what is there to work out besides her emailing him and saying "my husband found out, its over, I am deleting my accounts so I can reconcile with him" ??? If it were me, the only time I'd giver her is 10 minutes. Thats all the time it takes to log on and write something similar to what I layed out above. Why should you give her all this consideration in the face of her inconsideration of you? You think she'd give you time with another woman if the roles were reversed? My W is not physically located with the MM and they have strictly an electronic relationship right now, although it started physically. W indicates MM has not been willing to tell his W due to their children. Well, your wife didn't tell you. You had to find it out for yourself. Why would she expect him to tell his wife if she wasn't going to tell you? Not only is she untrustworthy, she is a hypocrite. I have heard from W that she wants me to be a happy and confident man. According to her I have been too dependent on her from my happiness. Her actions have opened my eyes to myself. so because you seemed dependent on her, this was cause to develop a relationship with another man? Sounds like she just gaslighted you into thinking that her behavior was to be expected. We had our own issues in our marriage, but she did not have the right to have an A. I had my eyes closed to those as well until now. yes, but she is controlling you into thinking that what she did isn't as big of a deal as you might think it is by trying to cast you in some unfavorable light. If you want to work on this M, I guess its not out of the question seeing as how it wasn't consumated (I don't know that it would make a difference to me if I was in that situation). But don't be a fool and let her gaslight you. Initially I had to make one of two choices, leave or stay. My decision very quickly was not to leave. I love my wife and know that she loves me as well. she has a funny way of showing it. I'm sorry. But there is no way I could claim to love someone, and develop romantic feelings for someone else. I am in counseling and it is wonderful for me. Ok, so you are in counseling. Thats good. But what is she doing? Is she going to counseling? Is she deleting her online identity? Or at the very least giving you usernames and passwords to all accounts? The way I see it, if someone has been caught being unfaithful, the only online identity, for personal communication uses, they should have is an email address. Forget the IM's and the chatrooms. As far as I'm concerned, a WS forfiets those privelidges. I have made several realizations so far. I am a happy and confident person, even more so now. I have great kids who I love more than ever now, I have a wonderful job that I'm happy to go to every day, I have a W I love, I am becoming a better person and I have great friends. I have heard the gambit from my friends and family on what I should do. I have talked to attorneys and friend who have faced similar circumstances. I have made a choice to try and working things out. This will take years. I still hurt and am angry at times, that is what counseling is for. My W has not made up her mind what she wants to do. What??? so you have done ALL the changing, mainly for yourself. She was caught being unfaithful, and SHE has not made up her mind? If you are doing all these things for yourself. Thats great. But please don't do them for her when she isn't even committed to working on herself or your marriage. I had to reach my decisions for myself. The best advice anyone gave me was to get counseling. Having a person who has no emotional attachments to you has been what I needed. I take every day one day at a time. And all that is good. But my question is. If your wife isn't willing to work on the marriage, and doesn't know what she wants, why would you still want her? Seems to me that the time she wants to work things out with the other man is to find out if he wants her in real life. And that if he doesn't, then she will use you as the back burner man. And if he wants her and will tell his wife and get a divorce, I think you'd be history. But keep working on yourself for YOU. That is great that you are doing that.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 My God what a decent and caring person you are, unbelievable. You will find as time passes however that you are too decent for HER. I completely agree!! A very strong man. Hopefully he gains the strength to make up her mind for her since she is keeping him dangling on a string. Any person that does not jump at the chance for absolute and total reconciliation when offered from the offendee is unworthy of a moment of that persons(you) time. damn you say it so eloquently!
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