MrMe Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Ok so here is the story (im really really really sorry for the length): I met this girl about 2 years ago. We seemed to hit it off right from the start. She was unlike any girl (or any person) I had ever met. She was BEYOND the girl of my dreams. So we started dating a little over a year ago..closer to a year and a half ago. It was quite easily the happiest time of my life. We got really close during that time of course. Our lives basically revolved around each other, just about every minute of the day (except of course when we had school, our schedules were a little off so you know how that goes). I can honestly say that I loved (or, still love) her with all of my heart. Everything in me loves everything about her. She's not necessarily 'perfect' but she's somehow perfect for me; her flaws are beautiful to me. I would do anything for her. Well as they say, all good things must come to an end. Our relationship was never perfect. No matter how much we loved each other. We had problems with communication. We had problems with trust (not that either one was not faithful, just insecurities). And most of all we've had problems with other people who, for some reason, we adamantly opposed to our relation. We rarely argued or anything during the relationship (I actually cant think of one real argument besides which singer we liked better..lol). Well, even still, we had problems. Towards the end of the relationship it would seem like we were deeply in love one week, and the next week we were cold with each other. Not over real issues, just like mood swings in the relationship or something. Well she finally broke up with me the first time. I didnt speak with her at all for a couple days because i was afraid she didnt want anything to do with me. We worked it out, and things seemed to be perfect. It was almost like that made me realize how much we were in love. After another 2 weeks however we broke up again. And we have been separated since then. It came as a complete surprise, no warning signs really. Here's the odd thing. I love her enough to let her go. I love her so much that as much as it hurts me and sickens me to not be without her, i would honestly love to see her happy with someone else than be unhappy with me. She's just that special to me. BUT, on the other hand, its like I have a weird gut feeling that maybe we should be together. That somehow this was meant to be. Now you're probably thinking "this kid is silly" but my gut feelings have usually been right. In fact, the very day we broke up, with no warning signs or anything, I woke up with a 'gut feeling' that for some reason the relationship would end that day. It was such as strong feeling that i really was afraid to talk to her. I hoped if i didnt talk to her she couldnt break up with me . But, i eventually talked and we did, in fact, break up. So, the next question is what to do. Im thinking maybe I should try the no contact thing. I figure only 2 things can happen. Either: 1) She'll decide that she wants to be with me or 2) This will help me get over her. Im really hoping its option 1. I dont want to be without her. I literally feel sick in my stomach thinking about us not being together. Realizing that one day she'll tell another man that she loves him. Knowing that all of the life we planned together will now be lived by her and someone else. But I also care about her enough that I just want her to be happy, even if that means I cant be. She's been through so much with me that she deserves happiness. And if she must go elsewhere to get this happiness, I can deal with that. So what do you think? I bet you guys hate me for making this so long. Im sorry...its mostly to get some opinion from you all. But partially to kinda vent all of my emotions that i've kinda held on to for so long. So...HELP!
lofi_tokyo Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I figure only 2 things can happen. Either: 1) She'll decide that she wants to be with me or 2) This will help me get over her. Yup, now that its over go NC and one of those two things will happen. Don't hold out for number one, go directly to number two. Why? Because #2 will definately happen, #1 could be a disappointment in the end. So... start moving on, be happy, and if she comes back, thats wonderful, but if she doesn't... you'll at least have moved on!
Gypsy_Heart Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Wow! Your story is SO frikin' identical to mine in so many ways, mostly about your feelings about her. My heart goes to you friend, I'm in the same situation, hoping that "no contact" will either bring her back to me or at least allow me to move on. You can check my story in the "break ups" subforum, thread "I need a hand analyzing my situation" or something like that. My 2 cents: While waiting for one of those two things to happen, go work out in a gym. That releases endorphines which stimulates your mood a lot! It's working for me! If you neglected friends or a hobby during your time with your girl, it's time to go back to those. Right now I'm reconnecting with a couple of friends and taking back guitar lessons. I hope it works with you too! Be strong!
lofi_tokyo Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 If you neglected friends or a hobby during your time with your girl, it's time to go back to those. Reconnecting with friends you let go really feels great, good suggestion!
EmperorR Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Wow! Your story is SO frikin' identical to mine in so many ways, mostly about your feelings about her. My heart goes to you friend, I'm in the same situation, hoping that "no contact" will either bring her back to me or at least allow me to move on. You can check my story in the "break ups" subforum, thread "I need a hand analyzing my situation" or something like that. My 2 cents: While waiting for one of those two things to happen, go work out in a gym. That releases endorphines which stimulates your mood a lot! It's working for me! If you neglected friends or a hobby during your time with your girl, it's time to go back to those. Right now I'm reconnecting with a couple of friends and taking back guitar lessons. I hope it works with you too! Be strong! same boat, i have a weird feeling that when i'm finall healed and ready to move on she will contact me, and then i'll have to face the hardest decision of my life.
Author MrMe Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 same boat, i have a weird feeling that when i'm finall healed and ready to move on she will contact me, and then i'll have to face the hardest decision of my life. That is exactly what I fear. Dont get me wrong, she has been nothing less than the perfect girl for me. And the reason she broke up with me was somewhat understandable (though im not convinced it is the only reason...im still confused about it to be honest). But I do realize that as much as this hurts me now, if she ever wanted to get back with me, part of me would want to more than anything in this world. But I dont know if I can deal with this kind of situation again. Im not an emotional kinda guy, some people say thats one of my flaws, but I can say that this situation really hurt me more than i've told anyone.
huggybear1 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I can honestly say that I loved (or, still love) her with all of my heart. Everything in me loves everything about her. She's not necessarily 'perfect' but she's somehow perfect for me; her flaws are beautiful to me. I would do anything for her. Well as they say, all good things must come to an end. Our relationship was never perfect. No matter how much we loved each other. We had problems with communication. We had problems with trust (not that either one was not faithful, just insecurities). And most of all we've had problems with other people who, for some reason, we adamantly opposed to our relation. We rarely argued or anything during the relationship (I actually cant think of one real argument besides which singer we liked better..lol). Well, even still, we had problems. Towards the end of the relationship it would seem like we were deeply in love one week, and the next week we were cold with each other. Not over real issues, just like mood swings in the relationship or something. It sounds like you really do love this girl. You said that the relationship problems were communication, trust issues, and people not wanting you and your ex to be together. Should other people really be able to dictate to you who you can date? If you feel she's perfect for you, is it really any of their business? In your original post you said that that this has caused the most problems. Can you two work through your communication and trust problems, without everyone else butting in? Might be worth a try, since you feel so strongly for her.
Author MrMe Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 It sounds like you really do love this girl. You said that the relationship problems were communication, trust issues, and people not wanting you and your ex to be together. Should other people really be able to dictate to you who you can date? If you feel she's perfect for you, is it really any of their business? In your original post you said that that this has caused the most problems. Can you two work through your communication and trust problems, without everyone else butting in? Might be worth a try, since you feel so strongly for her. You're right, I really do love her. And I agree, i dont think other people should have any say in our relationship. I dont care what other people say about it. But it seems she does. Not intentionally, I dont think. Its just that all of her friends would always tell her I wasnt right for her (mind you, none of her friends have ever been in a relationship for longer than a week or a month at a time..so what would they know about a real relationship, right?). Her friends would be the type to always talk about me behind my back (and to my face occasionally) and then when we have problems in the relationship 'claim' they were only trying to 'help'. Her friends have tried to set her up on dates with other people (she refused of course), encouraged her to cheat on me (again she refused) and even congratulated her (and taunted me) when we finally broke up. Its like we only have "real" (and I use that term loosely) problems when her friends are around... I found it really funny that one of her friends (I would say this friend is the most vocal in her dislike of me) left for about a week on vacation. While she was gone, it was like me and my ex were never more in love..everything was perfect. But the day she came back is the day that everything started down the drain. And its always been like that... This girl claimed to love me, and I believe her, but I think being around her friends so much got to her more than she realized. BTW, thanks for all of the responses i've received from you all. I really appreciate it. A LOT!
Lucky555 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 After reading this it reminded me exactly what had happened between me and guy. We def had been hurt before leading to insecurities and trust issues. We had communication issues. It takes both people to work together to overcome these issues in relationships. Both people feel so exposed and vulnerable addressing feelings and affection afraid of the biggest thing "rejection/getting hurt" I am guessing neither you sat down to eachother face to face to say I feel really scared that i might lose you because i care so much about you. This is unbelievable hard to do but it would open the door to so much more in the relationship. Someone just has to have the guts. I'm sure there were things she needed you to do but didn't express it and probably you were the same. The only thing i see here is that if shes anything like myself she won't be going back to you. Has she expressed things to you that you may have not really acknowledged? She could have said "you don't listen, talk to me, i don't understand you" thats a sign of reaching out and wanting you to actually work on the relationship and something is wrong. It maybe just me but i don't go back to the guy, if the guy calls me and apologizes and explains to me why he was acting like he did or why he is not taking the relationship further then i would give him another chance. However, if not then its gone. it depends on what you want. if she was interested in someone else then there is probably no reconciliation, but if she still cares about you then what i just mentioned are some good ways to get her back. It sounds like you two just need to put your "prides" aside and talk about those REAL issues.
samspade Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 MrMe, you are in a classic situation that has stricken many a member of boards like these, myself included. You know, deep down inside, that NC is smart, logical, sensible approach because it will help you heal and move on and respect your ex's desired space. Yet part of you holds out hope that you're the exception to the rule. You're thinking that she'll come back again, and since you're so in love with her, nothing will make you happier, even if there's a risk of losing her again. I'm telling you now, by going NC, you are doing the right thing. Let's take a look at a couple of simple truisms. First,iIf she wants to be back with you, she will find you. It sounds like you know this and aren't trying to do anything stupid to "get her back," because you know that won't work. And since she isn't breaking down your door and professing her love for you, why would you want to be with someone who has demonstrated they DON'T want to date you? You are wasting your time pining for her. Every second of every minute of every day that you are wondering if you two will get back together is time better spent living your life: Socializing, exercising, traveling, writing, dating new women. This wasted time is also time your ex is probably out with another guy's d*ck in her mouth. Is that the girl you want to cry over? She's probably over you, dude - women get over it before they even break up with you. So you need to get over her and abandon any idea of another reunion. It's okay to feel lousy, and sad, and miss her. Do this privately. Publicly, get your life on track, get together with your buddies, and have some fun. Life is not a dress rehearsal. Also, if her friends suck so badly, again, why would you date this woman again knowing this. A woman is not going to dump her friends when she dates you. They, in turn, are going to protect her from you - who, I guarantee, are now persona non grata in all their eyes. Unless a breakup is 100% mutual and pain-free, women will find plenty of after-the-fact faults in their exes and rip them to pieces with their girlfriends. It's cathartic. All this aside, there is something more important for you to understand: THIS WOMAN WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. You need to stop investing your happiness in her. Only YOU, my friend, can make yourself happy, and you have to be happy whether you're single and masturbating or b@nging 5 girls at once. It's all attitude, and it's up to you to fix it. No magic pill or hypnosis. Trust me, the happier you are, the better your chances of attracting a new, more exciting, more dynamic girlfriend. Then you will forget all about how you feel now, and if this woman DOES come back, you'll be able to make a sober decision regarding your feelings for her...if you have any feelings left. You're doing the right thing so far. Stay away. NO CONTACT. Even if she contacts you. Drop her number, her IM, and stay away from Facebook (get rid of her as a friend). I know some people will disagree with me here, but you need to realize that actions speak louder than words, and your ex is demonstrating that she does not love you in the way you want her to. Hang in there.
foxh1234 Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 MrMe, you are in a classic situation that has stricken many a member of boards like these, myself included. You know, deep down inside, that NC is smart, logical, sensible approach because it will help you heal and move on and respect your ex's desired space. Yet part of you holds out hope that you're the exception to the rule. You're thinking that she'll come back again, and since you're so in love with her, nothing will make you happier, even if there's a risk of losing her again. I'm telling you now, by going NC, you are doing the right thing. Let's take a look at a couple of simple truisms. First,iIf she wants to be back with you, she will find you. It sounds like you know this and aren't trying to do anything stupid to "get her back," because you know that won't work. And since she isn't breaking down your door and professing her love for you, why would you want to be with someone who has demonstrated they DON'T want to date you? You are wasting your time pining for her. Every second of every minute of every day that you are wondering if you two will get back together is time better spent living your life: Socializing, exercising, traveling, writing, dating new women. This wasted time is also time your ex is probably out with another guy's d*ck in her mouth. Is that the girl you want to cry over? She's probably over you, dude - women get over it before they even break up with you. So you need to get over her and abandon any idea of another reunion. It's okay to feel lousy, and sad, and miss her. Do this privately. Publicly, get your life on track, get together with your buddies, and have some fun. Life is not a dress rehearsal. Also, if her friends suck so badly, again, why would you date this woman again knowing this. A woman is not going to dump her friends when she dates you. They, in turn, are going to protect her from you - who, I guarantee, are now persona non grata in all their eyes. Unless a breakup is 100% mutual and pain-free, women will find plenty of after-the-fact faults in their exes and rip them to pieces with their girlfriends. It's cathartic. All this aside, there is something more important for you to understand: THIS WOMAN WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. You need to stop investing your happiness in her. Only YOU, my friend, can make yourself happy, and you have to be happy whether you're single and masturbating or b@nging 5 girls at once. It's all attitude, and it's up to you to fix it. No magic pill or hypnosis. Trust me, the happier you are, the better your chances of attracting a new, more exciting, more dynamic girlfriend. Then you will forget all about how you feel now, and if this woman DOES come back, you'll be able to make a sober decision regarding your feelings for her...if you have any feelings left. You're doing the right thing so far. Stay away. NO CONTACT. Even if she contacts you. Drop her number, her IM, and stay away from Facebook (get rid of her as a friend). I know some people will disagree with me here, but you need to realize that actions speak louder than words, and your ex is demonstrating that she does not love you in the way you want her to. Hang in there. Great Great Post!!! Very true. Anyone who wants there ex back should print this and read it everyday. It is so very true and I wish I had read this 6 months ago. I'm good now, but I was a mess back then.
sparkey64 Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Her friends don't like you... They say the best reflection of yourself, is an old friend. I have recently realized that when my buddies have partners, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I am old enough to realize that they are adults, and know what they are getting into. So... what I am getting at, is if her friends don't like you, they probably made up their minds from what your ex has been saying about you to them. And they are really trying to support her and reinforce her feelings. Don't blame it on her friends, or another man... blame it on her. Its tough because you are clouded by love, but its probably reality. If her friends don't like you, its because SHE doesn't like you.
sparkey64 Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 And has been trashing you behind your back to them, and wanting to leave for months/years.
juliemanooli Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Ok so here is the story (im really really really sorry for the length): I met this girl about 2 years ago. We seemed to hit it off right from the start. She was unlike any girl (or any person) I had ever met. She was BEYOND the girl of my dreams. So we started dating a little over a year ago..closer to a year and a half ago. It was quite easily the happiest time of my life. We got really close during that time of course. Our lives basically revolved around each other, just about every minute of the day (except of course when we had school, our schedules were a little off so you know how that goes). I can honestly say that I loved (or, still love) her with all of my heart. Everything in me loves everything about her. She's not necessarily 'perfect' but she's somehow perfect for me; her flaws are beautiful to me. I would do anything for her. Well as they say, all good things must come to an end. Our relationship was never perfect. No matter how much we loved each other. We had problems with communication. We had problems with trust (not that either one was not faithful, just insecurities). And most of all we've had problems with other people who, for some reason, we adamantly opposed to our relation. We rarely argued or anything during the relationship (I actually cant think of one real argument besides which singer we liked better..lol). Well, even still, we had problems. Towards the end of the relationship it would seem like we were deeply in love one week, and the next week we were cold with each other. Not over real issues, just like mood swings in the relationship or something. Well she finally broke up with me the first time. I didnt speak with her at all for a couple days because i was afraid she didnt want anything to do with me. We worked it out, and things seemed to be perfect. It was almost like that made me realize how much we were in love. After another 2 weeks however we broke up again. And we have been separated since then. It came as a complete surprise, no warning signs really. Here's the odd thing. I love her enough to let her go. I love her so much that as much as it hurts me and sickens me to not be without her, i would honestly love to see her happy with someone else than be unhappy with me. She's just that special to me. BUT, on the other hand, its like I have a weird gut feeling that maybe we should be together. That somehow this was meant to be. Now you're probably thinking "this kid is silly" but my gut feelings have usually been right. In fact, the very day we broke up, with no warning signs or anything, I woke up with a 'gut feeling' that for some reason the relationship would end that day. It was such as strong feeling that i really was afraid to talk to her. I hoped if i didnt talk to her she couldnt break up with me . But, i eventually talked and we did, in fact, break up. So, the next question is what to do. Im thinking maybe I should try the no contact thing. I figure only 2 things can happen. Either: 1) She'll decide that she wants to be with me or 2) This will help me get over her. Im really hoping its option 1. I dont want to be without her. I literally feel sick in my stomach thinking about us not being together. Realizing that one day she'll tell another man that she loves him. Knowing that all of the life we planned together will now be lived by her and someone else. But I also care about her enough that I just want her to be happy, even if that means I cant be. She's been through so much with me that she deserves happiness. And if she must go elsewhere to get this happiness, I can deal with that. So what do you think? I bet you guys hate me for making this so long. Im sorry...its mostly to get some opinion from you all. But partially to kinda vent all of my emotions that i've kinda held on to for so long. So...HELP! Wow, we really are going through the same thing. Its so weird because I HAD THE GUT FEELING TOO! and i dont know anyone else who has this supernatural power, other than myself. haha. Something in my gut told me that i was meant to be with my ex, just like you and your ex. How long has it been since the breakup? It has been about 2 weeks for me, and i will give you the most important word of advice... no matter how important someone is to you, dont make them your everything. Dont make her your priority. No matter how much you care for her, she hurt you. And it doesnt matter if she's the queen of the world in your eyes, you cant give in to someone who has hurt you. All you have to do is learn from it. She was the one who made the decision. Its not your problem. Its hers. Dont make her your everything, because now that she's gone, you have nothing. And its going to make you feel like you're worth nothing. which isnt true. Any girl who doesnt see how much her guy cares for her should be left anyways. She's never going to find another person like you, and that will be her problem in the near future. But for now, you musnt dwell on her or think about her too much. Try keeping busy. Go out with your buddies. MEET NEW CHICKS. (it sounds impossible i know, because thats how i feel about guys. but realy there are plenty of fish in the sea. you just gotta open your eyes and look for once.) When she sees the independance you've gained from learning to live without her, she will regret ever leaving you. and i can guarantee that. You will survive, we can make it toghether. haha keep an update!
Author MrMe Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Ok...so here's a short little update. Its been a few months since we've been apart. Pretty much completely no contact except for her wishing me a happy birthday and myself returning the gesture on her birthday. Other than that, its pretty much been no contact. I will say this: No Contract (or extremely limited contact in my case) has been tough, but successful, I would say. In the back of my mind I find myself thinking about her from time to time, usually triggered by a song that reminds me of her or something that she said that I hear somewhere else. I sometimes wish I could get back with her. I miss all of the good things of course. How she could make me smile just by being there or how we could so easily relate to each other...things like that. But for the most part I think I may be over her. I think in my situation, im not completely over her, but I am over our relationship, if that makes sense (im sure that sounds sort of contradictory to what I said earlier...) And a strange thing happened...a few days ago I found out she was in a relationship with another guy. Actually I found out that she has been in 2 or 3 "relationships" since we've been apart. Now while at first I was kinda jealous, for some odd reason, I was kinda happy. I know this sounds bad, but I feel like every time she gets a new "boyfriend," a part of her has to realize how good she had it with me....is that strange? Im not trying to sound conceited as if im a perfect guy;im far from perfect. But I do know I treated her a lot better than most guys treat their girlfriends (well, guys my age at least). I think this no contact thing is really good at opening up your eyes. Its hard to fully see your situation when you're "Blinded By Love" as they say... As I see her from time to time, she seems so much different than when we were together. She seems like she's changed a lot. I suspect she hasn't changed at all, but that Im just able to look at her from a different view, with a clearer perspective than when we were together.. Going into this NC strategy, my goal was to make her miss me and come crawling back. Part of me thinks it may eventually happen...part of me wants that to happen, maybe for my pride and ego's sake....but part of me is afraid that if she does come back I may fall into her little trap again and fall for her all over again. But I think I've learned enough to know that we could never be together. Not now, or anytime in the near future at least. Sooo..I guess that was my update. Thanks a lot to everyone on LS.org for the help; the people who responded in this thread, but also to everyone else who post on here. Just reading your topics, posts, and responses is enough to help me in my situations. Thanks!
smurfergirl Posted December 27, 2008 Posted December 27, 2008 MrMe, I don't mean to hijack your thread or anything, but I wanted to post cause your story kinda sounds like mine. I apologize for the length. The guy in the office next to mine and I used to flirt with each other all the time. I like him and he liked me. However I thought he was so hot and cold sometimes. One day he would seem very interested and the next day completely not interested. When he seemed interested his office mates would spread horrid rumors about me. One of the worst was when they said I had a thing with an office mate who was 25 - 30 years older than me. Give me a flipping break. Another office mate said that I had had my heart broken and was devestated by a fictional guy that I had supposedly dated. Now, I feel that the guy I liked should have known better than to believe some of this rubbish that was spread around. I don't know why he tended to believe the worst about me, especially from known liars and people who know nothing about my personal life. If you heard some of the crap that was spread, you'd think I was the antichrist. That's how bad it was. I never knew how to respond to him or his advances. I didn't know if he seriously wanted to start something or if he was playing games. The reality is that I do like this guy, but have to wonder about all the junk and games that are coming with this. I finally had to take a step back from the situation due to the lying, backstabbing, gossiping, and sheer nastiness from his office buddies. Instead of focusing on our relationship, they should have been worrying about clients and accounts. It was exhausting. It's like we've been through 25 rounds of this stuff so far. Because of all this, it's hard to figure out where things stand. I do really like this guy and know that he liked me. In this case I could be right or I could be wrong. I'm usually spot on at reading signals, but I'm completely dumbfounded about my situation. The thing is he and I will never know unless one of us takes some type of action and we both ignore this garbage. Maybe we should have been clearer about what it was that we both wanted. The same may apply in your situation. My point is this communicate, be honest, don't play games, and NEVER assume. Would talking to her and finding out what was going on with her help? Is she still involved with other men? Sometimes being direct and not beating around the bush can work. Gossip can be destructive. Please remember that. Thanks for reading.
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