He just figured out he has depression.. Taking a break now. I feel hopeless.

[daisydo]

Hi everyone.

 

I posted last week that I had discovered that my ex was texting with his ex-girlfriend. I confronted him on this and he gave what seemed to be a heartfelt and honest reply. He didn't get defensive or angry.. so I believed him. Things started feeling better. I felt great that we had come up against an issue and talked about it and worked through it. It was a high point in an otherwise dismal two months.. Things have become stilted and awkward between us.. I feel rejected and insecure about the relationship. I think I finally figured out what is going on..

 

He came over last night and we started to talk. Lately, I feel like he has been pushing me away - hence my immediate suspicion regarding the texts to his ex. He never seemed to want to see me.. seemingly blowing me off.. never wanting to go downtown like we used to. It seems like all he does is watch TV and smoke weed. He never used to be like this.. We used to organize events with friends.. Go to parties.. Go dancing downtown.. everything.

 

He admitted to me last night that he is completely and totally depressed. He cried for a long time.. but didn't say much. I don't know why I didn't see this before. I was blaming myself.. that it was the relationship.. that he was still angry at me for some of the fights we had a few months back.. That I was being too demanding. I should have seen this .. but I honestly had no clue what has been going on with him lately. He's lost a significant amount of weight.. Sexual problems.. He doens't know what will make him feel better.. He doesn't even know what's wrong in the first place. It's a textbook case of depression.

 

In the beginning of our relationship - everything was amazing.. he was happy.. we had amazing sex.. fabulous chemistry.. and then about 4-5 months in.. once things weren't as "new" anymore.. his attitude completely changed. It started with him getting irritated at every little thing.. a bad driver.. frustration at work.. This attitude rubbed off on me and drove me nuts.. So that started some fights in which I spoke critically about him. I have felt guilty about this for months now, thinking this is the reason why he is behaving so strangely. I bought relationship books.. and really took a hard look at myself and tried to have open and honest communication with him.. and things got better for a short time.

 

Since then, he has been demoted at work and his job feels insecure to him. Since then, things have escalated from where they were during the time we were fighting. Now it has moved into him pushing me away.. barely speaking.. smoking tons of pot..

 

Anyways - my issue is this: I know there is really nothing I can do to help or fix him. I've been through this before with an ex who suffered from terrible depression. I've decided to give him some space so that he can sort this out and (hopefully) seek some help. He says that he realizes that this is a pattern that he has experienced his whole life.

 

My concern is that if he sees this as a pattern.. does that mean that he is just a depressed person for life? Was the excitement and joy of the beginning of our relationship some sort of a "quick fix" of his depression and now he is going back to the way he always has been? I don't know if I can handle that. I feel so selfish for saying this but I am not getting my needs met at all.. I feel completely unfulfilled. Why should I have to sacrifice my happiness again? I've already had to deal with this destructive disease before.. I don't know if I can handle it again.

 

So we've decided to take a break.. and I feel like I'm abandoning him.. but I know there's absolutely nothing I can do to cure this problem.. I feel like either I have the worst luck for loving two people with depression or there is actually something wrong with me too.

 

Please help. I feel so lost right now.

 

Thanks.

[You'reasian]

Drug test. Confirm your drug suspicion and get him help.

 

About him being depressed? Not sure what to tell you. Invite him over and have a talk with him about this - try to get him some help?

[You'reasian]

You said you saw him last night. Good for you. Atleast you guys are together, right? It could always be worse. Seriously, get him some help.

[daisydo]

Well it's not a drug suspicion.. I know he's smoking tons of pot. He does it in front of me. He used to not smoke as much.. I don't really have a problem with it in moderation.. but I know he's constantly high now and that I have a problem with.

 

We did talk about it.. last night. We decided to take a break so he can figure this out on his own. I don't know how I can get him help.. That's something he has to do on his own. But he knows I'm here for him if he needs me.

 

I just don't think there's anything I can do. I've been in this situation before.. but this guy I care about so much more.. and it just hurts so bad to be in this situation again. I do want to help but I don't know if there's anything I can do.

[lofi_tokyo]

I think if he has been experiencing patterns of depression, he should go talk to a doctor and start seeing out treatment.

 

I also think getting over depression has a lot of do with personal willpower. I am speaking from personal experience here - medications were okay for me, but I don't like taking pills, so I am actively and constantly striving to see beauty in the world, so that I don't fall back to where I spent a good portion of my life... maybe you can help him find that beauty in things?

 

Something else that should be mentioned is its very possible your ex has always been depressed - and its not so much a pattern as him just... distracting himself from the fact.

 

When you get into a new relationship, the world is peachy and beautiful, and you're really able to step outside your personal issues for the short term because you're completely wrapped up in the lust you have for this new person. In my own experiences, it has been after a few months (4 or 5), that my depressive tendencies would resurface. After those first "honey moon" type feelings being to drop off, all the ugly in the world comes surging back - for example, in the form of a bad driver, or a ****ty day at work.

 

My ex was with me while I actively got myself out of my depression. It was hard, and while him and I were "together", he really made me get out of it on my own. So, with that said, I think - - - do whats right for you! If your ex is going to get over depression, its something he needs to work on, you dating him or not should not really change the outcome - but, if you love him, try your best to be there to support him when hes down. That does not mean you need to stay with him - he sounds a bit unstable at the moment, and it does not make you a bad person if you need to get out for your own reasons.

 

But, he may need you, so maybe be ready to be a friend. Thats my advice... I hope its helpful ';p

[You'reasian]

Well you said he came over last night and he started to talk about these problems - that's a good sign - you were there for him. Don't know what else to tell you? Get him to stop smoking pot. Bring him to church or his chosen place of warship and get him some help. You're trying to help your friend and you've taken the first step - being there for him.

[daisydo]

TokyoVogue -

 

Thank you for the response.. It really did help. I think helping him see the beauty in everyday life is great advice.

 

He is a bit unstable now.. and we are taking a break.. so hopefully he'll be able to focus on himself and pull himself out of this.. But you're right - him seeking help has nothing to do with whether we are or aren't together. I do know that his negativity has brought me down over the past few months and has made me say and do things that I normally wouldn't because I have felt insecure about the relationship.. I think now is a great time for me to focus on myself a little bit while he focuses on himself.

 

You talking about the "honey moon" feelings really does ring true to me.. I think it might be the case that he has been depressed for quite some time but just hasn't ever acknowledged it.

 

It's just hard to have to go through this again.. It feels like a sad fate. Am I somehow attracting depressed people to me?

[lofi_tokyo]

Its possible that you DO attract depressed people to you, and in turn, maybe you're attracted to depressed people, without realizing they're depressed?

 

Once again, I'm gonna use personal experience to explain this.

 

Me, being a depressed person (though these days I like to think I'm happy!), came into contact with my ex and he was so so so happy go lucky and easy going. It was wonderful. He was a good listener too, I could chat to him about whatever, and he always had a silly response. So - if you're a generally cheerful person, who is easy going, then yes, it would make sense depressed boys dig you - you're everything they want to become.

 

On your end, you may be attracted to boys who are dependant on you. Or maybe boys who are always available to chat with you on aim, or hang out with you because they arn't very busy people. My ex and I's relationship developped over msn mainly. I was online a lot, and so was he, so it was nice because we were always around together, I wasn't busy, and he wasnt. Also, despite my depressive tendencies, that honeymoon period - discovering a new person, allowed him to ignore them. I clung to him, and he liked that, because he needed someone (he does not have a strong social circle).

 

He is now dating someone new - and she TOO is clinically depressed. Before they dated, when him and I were together, she could barely function without crying about life. Now that shes with him, she is VERY happy! Her depressive behaviors are gone, and she relies on him to be alright. Hes happy because he has a girl that needs him, and he makes her happy - how great does that feel!?

 

The problem? Eventually she'll go back to being unhappy, and he'll be left wondering why he always attracts sad girls... its kinda strange, but I think this may be the situation you're in. While we were dating, he also attracted another super super depressed girl, but that one didn't turn out (because I made it clear he was with ME and could not start things with HER).

[daisydo]

TokyoVogue-

 

You may be right.. Maybe I am attracted to people who are dependent.. always available.. Hmm.. Maybe I need to be needed?

 

I definitely thought about this in the past with my previous ex.. but I thought I had moved past. Maybe I should schedule a counseling session myself and look into this.

 

My mother is an extremely needy and dependent person. This could have something to do with it.

 

Your story is very insightful.. I will have to do something thinking. I thought I had moved past that old part of my life and I could get to a place where I can have normal relationships.. But this whole situation has just made me think that nothing actually has changed and that I am still seeking the same type of unhealthy relationships subconsciously.

 

Thanks for all your insight.

[lofi_tokyo]

I'm glad I could help out a bit Daisy.

 

The first step I think, in moving on to finding a wonderful, healthy partner, and being happy with him, is awknowledging what you seek in a relationship. I think there are men who can be dependent on a woman, but at the same time, lead healthy lives independent of their partner. Its just a matter of finding that special guy.

 

In anyevent, do whats right for you - it sounds like you're on the right path to being happy and in a great future relationship.