desertfire Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Have a dilemna... I am considering reconciling with my stbxw. There is a catch, though and I think I'm falling into it and need your opinions... She gave birth to our son during our separation.. he is 2 1/2 months old now... cute as a button and adorable. I am inclined to reconcile so that I can spend time with my child and live through his first holiday season with him and have everyone at home... also, she has changed significantly.. something about motherhood kicking in has changed a lot of her perspectives... I think things can be recovered, but I think I am being jaded by the idea of it more than the reality. From others that were somewhat in the same position.. what did you do ? how did you feel? and was it worth it ? How did things turn out? I really appreciate your time and responses.. you all have been great to me...
norajane Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I have not had a similar experience, but I do have an opinion! That cute as a button 2 month old deserves your best shot. Whatever the risks, you shouldn't walk away until you know for sure it can't work out between you and your wife. If there's a possibility that you can work on things with your wife, then you owe it to your kid to give it a try. Discuss it with your wife, be very candid about your thoughts, and do it slowly. Don't rush right back in, but do it gradually.
Ronni_W Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 What norajane said. I'd also encourage you to not let others' negative experiences influence your feelings. I strongly believe in the power of positive thoughts and an optimistic mindset...these can help you create your own reality and bright outcomes, IMO. It really only matters how you, your wife and your baby feel. Trust your instincts rather than relying others' experiences. Congrats on your new baby; and the very best for a successful reconciliation and long & happy future as a loving family
Author desertfire Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Been away for a while on a couple of retreats and haven't had much time at all for things.. Many of our specific issues were tied together. She is a strong type "A" person.. very determined and strong-willed. Through her pregnancy she discovered that she can't necessarily be in control of everything. She also discovered that she wasn't looking at our union in terms of a support system, rather she was looking at it as a dependency. Another issue that was happening is that she was going through a depression due to family and medical situations... and refused to acknowledge that things were wrong and going downhill. She let her health slide and suffered physically through lethargy and weight gain.. this spiraled out of control and her self-esteem went through the floor. Needless to say, our intimate life was floored, and had been for a very long time. No amount of effort or support helped with the prior issues.. It does seem now that she has her mind set on getting things straightened out and wanting to work things through. She also wants to get herself back into shape and is wanting to put the effort inwards to our relationship instead of outwards to others/family. My dilemna now is that I am having cold feet in terms of "jumping back into the seat" . Our relationship is working well right now, as we are currently separated and we are spending time "dating" eachother and having a lot of fun. It seems to me that the "chemistry" or "spark" that used to tie us just isn't there. It is almost as if I am having difficulty making her my "everything" after what has gone on between us... I will not deny that during our separation I had seen someone else, and I know that the experience with the OW has left me tainted... somewhat of a "forbidden fruit" syndrome. I do believe that I can pull things together in terms of wanting to have a family and be settled, but at the same time I don't want to be an "incomplete" husband, especially if it is in terms of the relationship with my wife, both personal and physical. It would not be fair to her. Another large, although superficial, issue that I am experiencing is that I have wandering eyes... and it bothers me. I am trying to be committed to reconciling and dealing with things , but it seems I have an urge to find that "exact match". We are tightly connected at the emotional/spritual level in such a way that is near unfathomable, but we don't have that physical "spark" that takes things over the top. I learned what it is that I was doing wrong in the relationship and have come to see that I was basically seeing the bits and parts that I "wanted" to see. Our biggest difference is that I am wanting of a strong intimate relationship as well as a spiritual one, but she is more of an 80/20 spiritual/intimate type. We have been doing the counseling, both independent and joint, and have gotten around a lot of the communication issues. I believe that we both want to put 110%, but I feel apprehensive because of how she left me and reacted to things just before she left me... kinda like a "bitter taste". At the same time, I don't want to let go.... I do believe that we owe our relationship the best shot we can, and I do not want to have any regrets for any decision that is made The lease on her apartment is up this coming Friday and the house is being foreclosed, so she is going to move back in and we're going to give it all we got... Your feedback is appreciated.
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