Star Gazer Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Again, Gummy - why start this thread if your only going to advocate against posting a picture? You don't really care what the people looking think, do you? You've got your mind made up, it seems. So just keep doing what you're doing, if it works for you. We're only saying that MOST people - even those like Tan and I who do look for substance - will not bother responding to an ad without a picture, let alone initiate contact.
Author gummybear Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 I start threads sometimes looking to see if perhaps there's another reason to post a pic I haven't thought of yet. I haven't seen a reason, which why I'd prob do what I do for now unless I don't want to anymore. I"m not starting this thread for the sake of argument, just to see what other perspectives are out there.
Shygirl15 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Well I've had 2 really good guys I had relationsihps with who contacted me eventho I had no pic (one was craigslist and one was eharmony) but maybe match.com is a bit different? Those 2 guys were definitly not the leftovers for sure. Okay. You have nothing to worry about, then.
rod_in_gtown Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 You can justify it until you turn blue, but the reality is: When guys go dating online, there are tons of women who have the courage to put themselves out there. Equilizing the fact that we have to do all the work. I've taken the time to read profiles that didn't have pictures only to meet with silence, so I - like the overwhelming majority of men out there - will not bother with someone who will not take the same risk we're taking. Period. It all comes down to fairness. Yes we all want to filter through the airheads and inflated arrogant egos and princesses. That would be ideal, but it's not realistic. If you want someone to do that extra-type of work, you should try a personal match-maker. Someone who will go out there and look for guys for you. However, that will cost you a pretty penny.
Star Gazer Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Remember this thread of yours: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t165036/ Well, we women overthink things. Men, they don't. They wouldn't even bother going through the, "OMG, I wonder if she's hot/ugly/thin/fat/got a nice" rack line of analysis. They want proof. A visual, if you will. Haven't you ever heard that men are visual? LOL Rather than deal with the concern/worry/wonder, MOST men will simply move on...to a profile with a picture. If you're not going to post a picture, I suggest you do most of the heavy lifting (initial contact).
serial muse Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Thing is, I've never really had the 'i'm here to meet people and see what happens' mentality....I used to be like that and I ended up with alot of dates yea but none of em ever went anywhere. Perhaps by restricting myself I'll get less dates yes but more quality ones (hopefully). I actualy dont' want to put myself out there for everyone to see....only want the few special ones who really are serious about finding that special someone to care enough to put in that extra work. I think that special person will not be too interested in the other 900 profiles with pics and will be more interested in mine eventho I have no pic because they like what I said in my profile. I guess this is my way of weeding them out as well. Or maybe I'm just being naive, dunno. I've met 2 bfs from the past like this without posting a pic online and they were great guys. But again, I"m new to match.com and I'm new to LA where things are pretty different.... When you have fewer responses overall, weeding out the bad ones is certainly going to be quicker. But I think it's false to say that only quality guys will email a pictureless profile. It's far more likely to simply be a smaller percentage of all the guys - some good, some bad. So you picked a couple of guys who were good, from those that did email you. But I'll betcha there were some strange guys who also contacted you that you didn't go for. The bottom line is, you'll simply get a lot fewer responses, and you'll miss out on plenty of "special people," but there will still be some, I'm sure. You can see that as bad or good: You're limiting yourself, but yes, you'll have fewer responses to wade through. Two different ways of looking at it. I assume that you don't need to see what a guy looks like, either, to respond to his email, right? In that case, if it's working for you, do whatever you like. I think the argument that there's no reason the guy should have to do all the work is eminently fair. Hopefully, you don't also insist that he send you his picture first.
me007 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 The only thing with pictureless profiles is that you have to remember there can be like 200-300+ profiles to go through, so sometimes it is just quicker to browse through pics. That's just how it is for me, I don't hold it against anyone if they do or don't have a pic, and sometimes the headline or starting lines will catch my eye without a pic, but usually not.
me007 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I agree with this part too, if that is what the OP is worried about. I had someone tell me though they aren't desperate enough to purposely "look" for someone...yet they were on a dating site, which didn't make sense that it came from him, but I could see how it could look that way to some people. So is it being desperate going to online dating sites to find someone? I never bothered to look at picture-less profiles, either. I think the main thing you'll run into is a limiting of your potential matches. I guess if you're fine with that, then cool. But be aware that lots of people prefer to look at a picture; that's just how it is. I agree with what Star said about the reasons why a person might not post his or her pic online. And I agree that even the most innocuous reason - that you're afraid someone might see you - would still be unacceptable to me, because ultimately, it would make me wonder about you. Here's the thing. Let's say we were going to meet, but I know you have this hangup. You're saying there's a stigma. That suggests that you might apply such a stigma, too - in other words, I'd wonder if you also think less of people who do online dating, even though you do it too. If, perhaps, you're judging your potential matches in some way. And if, given this hangup, you'll not want to be honest about how we met but will always make something up. If you're ashamed of yourself somehow. You know? It just seems like too much baggage; it's so much more attractive when someone just embraces their choice and says, hey, I'm here to meet people, let's see what happens. Being negative about it going in is not going to make you seem more attractive to a potential match (particularly when your embarrassment might be read as a veiled judgment of your match's presence online, too). Just saying.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Heck, I'm female and I always look at the picture first - if I like what I see, THEN I read the profile. I always figured that was the normal order of things with online dating. I can't imagine many men (as SG said, visual creatures) who take the time to read the profiles of the women without pictures. If you can find a cool guy who will invest the time in it, then you may have found a keeper. But, you are absolutely limiting the amount of men who will respond. That may be a good thing for you. Just know that your choice puts you in the minority and limits your responses. If you're ok with that, no problem.
Vertex Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 The picture thing is usually a function of confidence, in my opinion.
freckles73 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I mean for those who've done online dating, do you just ignore profiles without a pic? How has that worked? I do ignore them or skip over them. I read somewhere that up to 25% of all male dating profiles are married men. I imagine that many of them are ones that do not have pictures posted. For obvious reasons I don't even want to go there. Why risk it? It's hard enough to weed out the players and married guys from the pool of guys who actually post pictures.
lovestruck818 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I have never done the online thing...but I will tell you that pictures are tough. If you are an incredibly good-looking person than it makes you wonder if the person is just clicking on you b/c of what you look like...instead of rather who you are or what you are saying. If you are an ugly person, than you have to wonder if people are judging you or if they are not clicking on you b/c you are ugly. Thirdly, if I did do the online thing and I saw a profile without a picture, I would wonder why...is he ugly, is he not confident in himself? Not saying you are those things but it's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. (That's why I avoid the whole online dating scene).
tomwiz Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 i've done hte whole online dating thing in the past. Simply put, if a looked at a profile that didnt have a picture I'd just assume that they looked like shrek and rosanne barr's lovechild.
Shygirl15 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 i've done hte whole online dating thing in the past. Simply put, if a looked at a profile that didnt have a picture I'd just assume that they looked like shrek and rosanne barr's lovechild. I once took the risk and ended up with a cross-eyed gentleman.
Jilly Bean Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Gummy, I would never respond to a profile without a pic, and I also don't reply to profiles without pics. To me, I am all about the equity of the forum - if I have posted pics, then I expect a match to do the same. It should be a level playing field with common rules. If they don't, then I assume they are married, or involved, or otherwise going to be too much work.
carhill Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 OP, my wife and I met online before there were affordable digital cameras and scanners were just becoming affordable. So, we corresponded for some time prior to knowing what each of us looked like. Perhaps that supports your position. However, with today's technology, I can't see the issue with having an image out there. If I were dating, I'd just post one of my pix from my blog or web site and the potential respondent could read all about me there, just like people have been doing for years. You know, now that I think of it, the first time my wife and I met in person (for lunch), we didn't know what each other looked like (from pictures). It was raining and she was late
Star Gazer Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Gummy, I would never respond to a profile without a pic, and I also don't reply to profiles without pics. To me, I am all about the equity of the forum - if I have posted pics, then I expect a match to do the same. It should be a level playing field with common rules. If they don't, then I assume they are married, or involved, or otherwise going to be too much work. BINGO! The picture thing is usually a function of confidence, in my opinion. Ding, ding, ding!!!
StartingOver07 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 If I were to post on a dating site, I doubt I would include my picture. I would make it available to anyone who asked that I was interested in. It has nothing to do with confidence or stigma and everything to do with basic privacy. Why should my neighbor/co-worker/whoever be privy to whatever personal information I've released in my profile? Perhaps Gummy won't meet as many people with the route she's chosen but, assuming she is open to corresponding with other picture-less posters, the odds are in her favor that she will will meet someone like-minded... on this issue at least. I seem to recall that in other threads about online dating one of the big complaints is that lots of people post pictures that are old/inaccurate/50 pounds ago, etc.
Author gummybear Posted October 15, 2008 Author Posted October 15, 2008 If I were to post on a dating site, I doubt I would include my picture. I would make it available to anyone who asked that I was interested in. It has nothing to do with confidence or stigma and everything to do with basic privacy. Why should my neighbor/co-worker/whoever be privy to whatever personal information I've released in my profile? Perhaps Gummy won't meet as many people with the route she's chosen but, assuming she is open to corresponding with other picture-less posters, the odds are in her favor that she will will meet someone like-minded... on this issue at least. I seem to recall that in other threads about online dating one of the big complaints is that lots of people post pictures that are old/inaccurate/50 pounds ago, etc. I couldnt exactly pinpoint why it makes me uncomfy to post my pic online, but yes you pretty much got it! Lovestruck and crestfallen -- yes another major part of why I dont like posting pics is because I really do want to weed out guys who click on me because of the way I look. That's one thing with being good-looking.
scratch Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 If I were to post on a dating site, I doubt I would include my picture. I would make it available to anyone who asked that I was interested in. It has nothing to do with confidence or stigma and everything to do with basic privacy. Perhaps Gummy won't meet as many people with the route she's chosen but, assuming she is open to corresponding with other picture-less posters, the odds are in her favor that she will will meet someone like-minded... on this issue at least. One important thing that the OP has not disclosed is whether her plan is to seek out men and make the initial contact, or sit back and let them come to her. If she's planning on the former, and is indeed willing to send over her photo to those in whom she's interested, she'll have almost as many opportunities as if she simply posted a photo. However, if her plan is to sit back and wait for the replies to roll in due to her wit and prose, it's not going to happen. Not only is the concept repugnant to how men develop attraction, but based on her posts here, she's average at best. Another major part of why I don't like posting pics is because I really do want to weed out guys who click on me because of the way I look. That's one thing with being good-looking. Didn't you first join this forum seeking opinions as to whether 6'1 180 was overweight, because if it was, you were planning on canceling a first date? That's impressively hypocritical. Girls like you are fun, though, because when you do send over a photo and get ignored, the subsequent meltdown is a sight to behold.
Isolde Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 The above poster needs to chill. The 6'1 180 pound guy thing, she didn't dump him bc he was fat but because she didn't like his personality. I don't know, I can identify with a lot of what you say, gummy bear, and I think we like the same exact kind of guy. Shy, mmmmm
Author gummybear Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 The above poster needs to chill. The 6'1 180 pound guy thing, she didn't dump him bc he was fat but because she didn't like his personality. I don't know, I can identify with a lot of what you say, gummy bear, and I think we like the same exact kind of guy. Shy, mmmmm Yup, shy guys are irresistably adorable . I guess since different people are looking for different types of partners, we all approach things differently.
Isolde Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Yup, shy guys are irresistably adorable . I guess since different people are looking for different types of partners, we all approach things differently. Yeah, the problem is sometimes shyness goes along with low self esteem or commitophobia which are obviously big redflags. The best is a moderately shy boy who is firm about what he wants in life and hides vulnerability, passion and depth underneath an unassuming exterior.
flc Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 One important thing that the OP has not disclosed is whether her plan is to seek out men and make the initial contact, or sit back and let them come to her. If she's planning on the former, and is indeed willing to send over her photo to those in whom she's interested, she'll have almost as many opportunities as if she simply posted a photo. However, if her plan is to sit back and wait for the replies to roll in due to her wit and prose, it's not going to happen. Not only is the concept repugnant to how men develop attraction, but based on her posts here, she's average at best. I would agree with this, if you send out an intriguing email and you do not have a picture you will get responses based on your profile. I would expect that within the first couple of emails you will be asked for a picture so be ready. This is indeed how I met the current women I am dating she was new on match did not have a picture and sent me an email. I asked for a picture she sent me one and we ended up meeting and have been going out for few months now.
likestolaugh Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I'd like to add my 2 cents to this.... I never did the whole online dating thing until the past month... I'm male, didn't post a profile pic (but mentioned that I'd send one to anyone who wanted one). I also made it a point to attach a picture of myself to any email that I'd send to someone.... The past week and a bit I'd been having a nice conversation with this woman I msg'ed (and who msg'd me back... in fact I've only msg'd about 4 people... 3 responded). We talked for about 3 hours on the phone last night, and will meet up sometime next week. In other words, things are progressing nicely... ... my point is, it CAN be done. But probably only if the one without the pic initiates the contact.
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