desertfire Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Have a dilemna... I am considering reconciling with my stbxw. There is a catch, though and I think I'm falling into it and need your opinions... She gave birth to our son during our separation.. he is 2 1/2 months old now... cute as a button and adorable. I am inclined to reconcile so that I can spend time with my child and live through his first holiday season with him and have everyone at home... also, she has changed significantly.. something about motherhood kicking in has changed a lot of her perspectives... I think things can be recovered, but I think I am being jaded by the idea of it more than the reality. From others that were somewhat in the same position.. what did you do ? how did you feel? and was it worth it ? How did things turn out? I really appreciate your time and responses.. you all have been great to me...
CoryCosmetics Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 All I can say is if things have really, truly changed, that lead to the demise of your marriage then it is always worth considering a reconciliation. Emotions run high with children involved, especially a newborn and I am concerned at your statement relating to that as being your main "reason" or motivation. I come from a history though, where XH and I divorced and went a long time without contact. We both changed in that time frame and a lot of things were different in our relationship. We have been reconciled about 18 months now, and consider ourselves "life partners", we still live separately and will for some time as we each own our own homes. Can the specific issues between you and her really changed? If so, what were they and how have they changed? Becoming a mother alone is likely not enough reason.
PWSX3 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Last night at IC he asked me if the stbxw would call tomorrow & ask to get back together what would I say/do? He suggested that I ask myself what do I want in this relationship? What changes would she have to make to bring her back? It has only been a couple of months but I'm starting to see what I did wrong, which in turn is showing me what I want in a relationship. I don't think a kid is a good enough reason, you can still share in that responsibility without being together. Like they said in my DC classes; a single parent can have a home & having a good foundation home singly is better then two parents not getting along.
sumdude Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Well if you are BOTH willing to put in 110% then it could be worth it. I would suggest that you two start with marriage counseling long before you move back in together or even start the physical relationship again.
Author desertfire Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Thanx for all of your great responses! Been away for a while on a couple of retreats and haven't had much time at all for things.. but am slowly getting around to responding... In response to Cory: "Can the specific issues between you and her really changed? If so, what were they and how have they changed? Becoming a mother alone is likely not enough reason." Many of the specific issues were tied together. She is a strong type "A" person.. very determined and strong-willed. Through her pregnancy she discovered that she can't necessarily be in control of everything. She also discovered that she wasn't looking at our union in terms of a support system, rather she was looking at it as a dependency. Another issue that was happening is that she was going through a depression due to family and medical situations... and refused to acknowledge that things were wrong and going downhill. She let her health slide and suffered physically through lethargy and weight gain.. this spiraled out of control and her self-esteem went through the floor. Needless to say, our intimate life was floored, and had been for a very long time. No amount of effort or support helped with the prior issues.. It does seem now that she has her mind set on getting things straightened out and wanting to work things through. She also wants to get herself back into shape and is wanting to put the effort inwards to our relationship instead of outwards to others/family. My dilemna now is that I am having cold feet in terms of "jumping back into the seat" . Our relationship is working well right now, as we are currently separated and we are spending time "dating" eachother and having a lot of fun. It seems to me that the "chemistry" or "spark" that used to tie us just isn't there. It is almost as if I am having difficulty making her my "everything" after what has gone on between us... I will not deny that during our separation I had seen someone else, and I know that the experience with the OW has left me tainted. I do believe that I can pull things together in terms of wanting to have a family and be settled, but at the same time I don't want to be an "incomplete" husband, especially if it is in terms of the relationship with my wife, both personal and physical. It would not be fair to her. Another large, although superficial, issue that I am experiencieng is that I have wandering eyes... and it bothers me. I am trying to be committed to reconciling and dealing with things , but it seems I have an urge to find that "exact match". We are tightly connected at the emotional/spritual level in such a way that is near unfathomable, but we don't have that physical "spark" that takes things over the top. In response to PWSX3: I am on that page with you and definitely support that it is better to be separated than together and in conflict because of the child. I too have learned what it is that I was doing wrong in the relationship and have come to see that I was basically seeing the bits and parts that I "wanted" to see. Our biggest difference is that I am wanting of a strong intimate relationship as well as a spiritual one, but she is more of an 80/20 spiritual/intimate type. In response to sumdude: We have been doing the counseling, both independent and joint, and have gotten around a lot of the communication issues. I believe that we both want to put 110%, but I feel apprehensive because of how she left me and reacted to things just before she left me... kinda like a "bitter taste". At the same time, I don't want to let go.... Your feedback is appreciated.
PWSX3 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I feel it takes a lot more work after a separation then it did before. As you shared you get to know who you are, what you want & that might not be the same thing as when you first got married & you haven't shared that with your spouse so they don't understand what is going on. You realize that it is a lot easier being on your own, you don't have to worry about what the other person wants to do, you get selfish with your time because you don't have to share it. I don't see that jumping back into the relationship is a good thing either, do what you are & date, get to know each other again & work on what you feel is your part in the marriage & that doesn't just happen overnight. You DON'T want that old relationship back, you want it to be better. One thing I feel you might have lost is respect from your W & that is a big one for men. If you really want your marriage to work then you have to focus on it. As for the wondering eye I feel is just being a guy & yes it isn't good for a relationship & that is something you might want to ask the counselor. You did say you are doing IC correct??? Use that spiritual to help you with the other, I know it has helped me a LOT, since I started going back to church I am starting to handle things a lot better, things don't bother me like they did & I am meeting some really nice people, specially in the men's bible studies.
CoryCosmetics Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 I second everything PWSXY said in his post to you...all great information. For now, work on a dating relationship only (which of course is going to be easier than actually reconcilling), stay committed to counseling and make that a 110% criteria for any sort of hope. It can be done, but I would hate to see you regret it either way. It takes a long time (months, probably a year or more - not weeks) to get a better relationship than you had. Don't rush it. It is totally doable if you are both committed. Good luck
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