penguin75 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 My current husband and I had an affair together (we were both married). He has maintained a civil but not overlyfriendly relationship with her- for the kids sake. I know he never had the feelings for her as he does for me. We dated in high school and reconnected later in life- that is when the affair started. We both were missing something in our marriages. We are very happily married now. I check out the ex's myspace page all the time and think she's very attractive. I check it at least twice a day to see what she doing and if new pics are posted. I'm almost obesessed. I can't figure out why I'm jealous of a woman my husband obviously didn't love or find attractive. I have shared this jealous problem with my husband and he thinks i'm crazy. He doesn't understand how I could be jealous of a woman that in his mind doesn't compare to me. I don't understand it either. I have never been one with low self esteem and think I pretty much have it all together. This is a real problem for me lately. Any suggestions?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Yeah, quit checking her page! This probably comes from knowing that you married a cheater, and you're driving yourself crazy trying to figure out why he left such an attractive woman and how you can prevent him from cheating on and leaving you.
angie2443 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 It's not the ex you should worry about. It's the girl who will come along in a few years when you are over the "honey moon" period and he gets restless in the relationship. You know you married who has it in him to cheat. The best thing you can do is to make sure you have your ducks lined up in a row in case anything happens. Don't become a stay at home mom. Do not have children with this man. It will trap you if something happens down the line. Make sure you have something in the savings account just in case. Good luck.
stillafool Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 It's funny how you find her attractive but your H was never attracted to her yet married her. So interesting. One of my SIL's broke up my brother and ex SIL's marriage. My ex SIL is beautiful and has move on with her life yet the SIL that broke them up is green with jealousy over her. I don't get it. My ex SIL could care less about her or my brother. I would say it is your conscience that is doing it. When you marry a cheater and are a cheater you will find yourself insecure about odd things. I would suggest you stop snooping on his ExW and enjoy your h. I'm sure she could care less about either of you.
TigerCub Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I don't think its Ex-Wife specific, why should it be? You won, you stole her husband. I think its the fact that she's hot and you're thinking "well she's so attractive and he cheated on her with with me, why wouldn't he cheat on ME with someone else?"
Curmudgeon Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 If it's any help, my ex was an absolutely gorgeous woman but personality, approach and behavior trump looks every time. I think your concerns are probably real. He left her after an affair with you, just as you left your husband after an affair with him. No doubt both of you worry about the next one who might appear and are concerned about being left in turn. It's a classic case of "you reap what you sow." Stop visiting her site!
Dominique Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 It's not the ex you should worry about. It's the girl who will come along in a few years when you are over the "honey moon" period and he gets restless in the relationship. You know you married who has it in him to cheat. The best thing you can do is to make sure you have your ducks lined up in a row in case anything happens. Don't become a stay at home mom. Do not have children with this man. It will trap you if something happens down the line. Make sure you have something in the savings account just in case. Good luck. What dramatic nonsense. He choose this girl, this Penguin. No outside person can "break up" a marriage. It has to be pretty broken for the spouse to leave or to even want to leave. If they love each other, of course they should have children. If being a stay at home mom works for her, then why not. Maybe he might cheat maybe not. Who is to say in any marriage? My advice to the Poster is that the issue is not the Ex per se, but issues with your own self-esteem. That is to say, were it not this "Ex" it would be something or someone else. You are doubting yourself somewhere and you'd better address it. If it is your looks, improve them. If you feel you have no interesting activities in life, find some. If you are worried about the closeness in your relationship, plan do organize something. Most everything can be fixed when two people truly love each other. Stop obsessing about this girl and start looking inward, asking yourself what at the center is wrong. Because something within yourself is missing, regardless of this "attractive" Ex. DOM
Trialbyfire Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 You know that phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater", it could be applicable in this case. If what's broken inside of a cheater isn't fixed, it will happen again since they lack coping tools and look for external validation (validation from the opposite gender through affairs, etc.) to supplement this lack. Watch him closely. Your gut instinct should tell you when it happens, regardless if he chooses to tell you or not.
joybean72 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I'm with you stillafool and HAVE to laugh at the, "I can't figure out why I'm jealous of a woman my husband obviously didn't love or find attractive" remark! Soooo.....you are saying that your now husband just has a bad, bad habit of goin' around marrying random women he doesn't love or find attractive?!? I'd be worried if I were you too!!!
Trimmer Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 My advice to the Poster is that the issue is not the Ex per se, but issues with your own self-esteem. That is to say, were it not this "Ex" it would be something or someone else. You are doubting yourself somewhere and you'd better address it. If it is your looks, improve them. If you feel you have no interesting activities in life, find some. If you are worried about the closeness in your relationship, plan do organize something. Most everything can be fixed when two people truly love each other. What if, based on past experience, you are doubting your ability to stay true to your partner? Worse, what if you are doubting your spouse's ability to do so? That's not as easy to fix with a makeover, new clothes, or an interesting hobby. Stop obsessing about this girl and start looking inward, asking yourself what at the center is wrong. Because something within yourself is missing, regardless of this "attractive" Ex. Basically, I agree. What, at the center, is wrong? I don't think it's about a dynamic between you and the ex - I think that's a misdirection. I think you need to explore your feelings about your own relationship. Could it be that your relationship started in a broken fashion - with an affair between two married people - and you are feeling that this continues to hang over you? While you claim to be "'very happily married," it seems that you wouldn't be so distressed if that were truly so.
jmargel Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 You are insecure because you know what he did to her. The lies, the deceit the betrayal. What you two did was wrong and you know it, you now fear what you did to another woman. You have the feeling that maybe she will at some point try to "pay you back" for the emotional turmoil you helped to place in her life. You can talk about how happy the two of you are, and it is possible that you are. But underneath, the foundation of your relationship was built on lies and deceit. How does a relationship survive those character flaws. What did either of you do to deal with the lack of coping skills and integrity within yourselves that allowed you two to cheat in the first place. If you are the same people you were then, you will end up in the same place. There is an old saying, "If you do what you have always done, you will get the same mess in the end." What have either of you done to fix yourselves or make amends? Couldn't said it better myself. I would also think the OP would have to deal with the guilt of doing what she did to her ex-husband. If her 'current' husband says that he wasn't attracted to his first wife, then he's lying. I think the OP knows this. This is a guy who married her and had children with her. Karma has a way of paying back to those who hurt others. I believe Karma is knocking on this OP's door.
Recommended Posts