caramel drops Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Okay, so, this is gonna sound a little weird, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who's gone through something like this, just want some opinions here. So, I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for almost four years now and It's been going strong for the most part. This past year, I've .. well, grown up. Got my own place, providing for myself, etc. My boyfriend has been one of the only people who have been there for me through it all when no one else would. Even so, I recently found myself falling out of love with him for some reason. And I couldn't figure out why! Maybe because of my transitioning or my elevated stress or what but I knew the fire wasn't there anymore and I found myself irritated with him everytime he came around. In the meantime, I met this guy online. (Mind you, this was AFTER the whole falling out of love thing started with the boyfriend) We started talking and became good friends pretty quickly. Next thing you know, we're talking on the phone. Laughing, joking, etc. Was good times. Over the course of maybe, two months, I find myself growing infatuated with him (even though he's on the other side of the country, lol, which is something I considered, of course, as a hinderance) He was always really flirty and things but I blew it off as him being himself. Later, I find out he has a crush on me (Or so he says. ) and he knew I was taken. Well, this doesn't do anything but up the ante -- my crush develops as well. And at the same time, I'm falling further away from my boyfriend. Wasn't long before I started ignoring my boyfriend and talking to this guy more and more. I made excuses for not talking to my man and everything while, of course, not revealing my crush and whatnot. I figure it's a phase and it'll all blow over. But then this guy digs deeper into my head, calling me his future wife and how he thinks I'm beautiful and all these things. Well, I'm a girl, of course, I eat this up. He got me to the point where I'm considering breaking up with my man for him. Oh yes, I was this delusional. Well, I tell my guy how I'm feeling about us not having the fire we used to and actually tried to break up with him .. well, didn't work because my boyfriend got really upset and I'm just too soft-hearted to do something like that to him and I knew I loved him still as a person, I just didn't feel like I was in love with him. I still wanted to be his friend but I had a lot of things to consider -- my boyfriend has been my rock for years. Done everything in his power for me and has loved me unconditionally. It eventually came down to he doesn't deserve to be dumped like that and I should give it another chance. It was a struggle, but that was my decision. I tell my "friend" across the way about it, figuring we were good friends and that he would understand. He claimed he did. But then .. He blows up on me. All of a sudden. I'm on the phone with him one night and he tells me I'm a bullsh*tter and a hustler and all these things and basically makes me feel like crap for "playing" with his heart? Says he doesn't deserve to be treated like crap. But the kicker is this: he was the one who told me that he understood my positioning and would back me up with whatever I do and that he still considered me a best friend and all this. He would accuse me of dumb stuff, like not responding to his instant messages fast enough or ignoring him and stuff like that, which was never the case. Bascially, bad blood developed between us and he just started being an @sshole towards me. Now, he doesn't text me or call me back or whatever anymore, just like he claims I did to him. When I confront him about it, he makes excuses and all of a sudden, it's okay to do those things. It's just weird but .. lol, I feel like I "broke up" with <i>him</i> and we were never even together! You can see why I had a hard time picking a thread to put this in! Me and my boyfriend are fine now but I feel like I got played a little bit because just a few weeks ago, this guy was telling me I was a priority in his life and I am his everything and all of a sudden, I'm his downfall and nothing ever even happened between us. I never even met him in person before! I don't feel like I'm upset about it (it's pretty funny when I look back on it. I feel like an idiot for even falling for it in the first place) but I don't think I should be thinking about him this much anymore either. I mean, to think I was ready to break up with my boyfriend for that bastard blows my mind and yet I'm still kind of dwelling on why things turned out the way they did. Me and the guy still get into it every now and then but he has his own agenda now and apparently, I'm not apart of it. (ie, he doesn't IM me anymore, basically ignores me altogether). Are all men this manipulative? (no offense!!! <3) Any thoughts?
vintagecat Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Caramel, Let me sum essentially what you've said stripped down to it's barest essence: You have a good boyfriend that loves you unconditionally, your rock etc. (I can't tell you how rare this is but you might find out for yourself if you keep playing with him.) but you got bored. You lost that "loving feeling" but you stayed in for want of a better alternative. You then met someone that I'll call "Penpal" online (which isn't really meeting I hate to inform you) and you started an online fantasy relationship that had both of you getting your "fresh in love" thrills, carried away with your emotions, flirting with ill conceived and foolish courses of action that had you neglecting your primary and real attachment. When you actually went to take one of those foolish courses of action (breaking up with your boyfriend) the bird in the hand out trumped the unknown on the phone. When you informed Penpal of your decision to stay with your boyfriend, he realized that your "un-relationship" with him, which was always hypothetical, was simply an exercise in ego gratification/mutual stroking. (He was "safe" side action to your ongoing relationship with your boyfriend.) Penpal subsequently lost his cool on that full realization, realized that he has gotten carried away with your help and assistance said some unpleasant things in his shock and anger and has tried to terminate whatever contact that he had with you. Yet you are still playing with your food (boyfriend and Penpal) by texting, (whatever) Penpal expecting to be a "priority" of "that bastard" and thinking about him and trying to engage him in battle though you are still with your boyfriend. And now you are wondering if all men are "this manipulative"? Is that about right? Sigh. Where to begin? First, finding a good man (and by your account your boyfriend is a good man) is not an easy proposition. You have a good man but you appear to be playing at a relationship with him even though you said your are "okay", you still are searching for the "thrill" that is gone. Before you add one more person to your scenario or damage that good man to the point of not being able to love or trust again, you need to decide together as a couple the nature of your relationship and the level of commitment that you both understand and agree to commit to and what you agree to do you need to abide with or break it off with him to allow him to find a more appreciative partner. Secondly, having been the veteran of many relationships in my single years, I can tell you authoritatively that finding a person that loves you unconditionally is rare and that person is lifelong mate material and yet many young or immature people that have worthy partners will ruin their relationships looking for excitement and stroking outside the relationship as you have with Penpal or abandon it prematurely as a lost cause only to find out that it's the same with the next partner, and the next and so on. In long term relationships that "in love" feeling tends to come and go. It's the nature of the beast of knowing someone really well. You see their flaws and weaknesses and it's hard to sustain constant breathless awe and mystique when you are sharing a bathroom or bed with someone over a long period of time. It's the actual loving, the deep friendship and mutual trust and respect that are the strong glue that endures and holds long term relationships together. If you are looking for the constant high of the "in love" feeling then you can expect to be in a series of relationships one following the next with the very pattern that you have described here. You will get bored, you go looking for a little "safe" side action, some excitement or ego gratification and then you lose control of your feelings and find that you are jettisoning a mate for an unknown thrill which may or may not work out for a while until one of you gets bored or sick of the other's crap and the cycle starts again. And there will be opportunities for attractions, crushes and infatuations on both sides of any long term relationship over the course of the years. The question is how you or your partner choose to respond to, act on or indulge those opportunities. You went in penny for pound with Penpal indulging your need to be admired and petted to the point of breaking off with your steady man. Yet you consider what you've done as "harmless" but turn that scenario around and put your boyfriend in the position of stroking and being stroked by another woman, unfaithful by proxy and you being in your boyfriend's place of the faithful steady partner and how would you feel? Would you feel your relationship was violated? I'll bet you would. I don't think you are a bad person but rather inexperienced, immature and somewhat self centered which comes with the territory of being a young person in today's western society. Emotions can and should be controlled and you need to take a look at what you want and need from a practical and long distance point of view. If your relationship with your boyfriend is not cutting it, then get out, get more experience and find your life. I think it's you that has behaved badly but tomorrow is another day and this is an opportunity to learn and grow. Good luck to you.
Author caramel drops Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 I won't argue with you there. Like I said, I came to my senses and feel like I was selfish and self-centered for what happened and do feel like I would have made one of the biggest mistakes had I gone through it since someone like my boyfriend is hard to find these days and I know he doesn't deserve it -- I reevaluated, thought about it, and it was a wise decision, but I am still young and I haven't gone through a wide variety of relationships before, as you can see, and these are things we all have to go through in order to learn and grow -- would you expect anybody my age to just up and know everything about life and love because if so, I must be missing the memo. So for you to basically call me stupid (in so many words) in this reply I think is going a little far. Besides, gotta give me some credit, I have since done away with the Penpal as you call him and me and my boyfriend are working out our issues. What I wanted to know is if anybody went through anything similiar and why do I find myself still thinking about the other guy? I feel like I was led on and manipulated, as per my manipulative comment (which was a joke, by the way, so you don't have to be so doggone bone-nagging about it, jeez) and what ways do you completely get someone off of your mind if at all possible?
vintagecat Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Like I said at the end, yes you are young and there in is some of the problem but many people don't learn and just age without maturing repeating the same patterns and mistakes over and over again. My advice was meant as a help to you to avoid that if possible. You can take or leave whatever I had to say. It was well meant. I don't recall using the word stupid or implying it. Your mistake is common enough that the Lifetime movie of the week has these themes. As to why you are thinking of him, that answer is too complex to even get into here. Chances are whatever you got from your brief liaison filled something that is missing from your life and it isn't necessarily up to your present man or anyone outside yourself to meet this need. I'd suggest that you figure out why this relationship assumed so much importance so that you are a happier person and more satisfied with your life. Of course not contacting him again which is not how you left it for us in your first post is step one and critical. In the future avoid getting into relationships that you can't or won't go into or explore fully. Now that you've already made this error, every time you find yourself thinking about him, tell yourself to stop it and find something else to think about. Keep repeating this until you stop ruminating over a person who is likely not who or what you thought he was. This will come sooner than you think if you don't allow yourself in the indulgence of reliving the fantasy. Finally, find something to do with your time if you find that you are thinking of him in idle periods. That's about it, through is the only way and this too shall pass. It does with divorces, the loss of a first real love and surprisingly but it takes much longer, even the death of a loved one if you allow it.
Author caramel drops Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 Yeah, that makes sense. And sorry, I did stop contacting him and everything now, I meant to say that in the past tense. But you're right that it was a whole fantasy-based type thing that I just have to push past and appreciate what I have and maybe spice it up with my boyfriend now; he is worth the effort. Thanks for advice, vintage.
Kamille Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 What I wanted to know is if anybody went through anything similiar and why do I find myself still thinking about the other guy? I feel like I was led on and manipulated, as per my manipulative comment (which was a joke, by the way, so you don't have to be so doggone bone-nagging about it, jeez) and what ways do you completely get someone off of your mind if at all possible? How old are you? You say you are young and you have a lot to learn and it's great that you give yourself room to grow. But... Your penpal might also feel like he's been led on and manipulated. Also, perhaps you thought it was noble of you not to break up with your boyfriend because you didn't want to inflict hurt on anyone, but it rather sounds like you used/are using him as a security blanket. Have you told your boyfriend about the penpal? I know you aren't likely to receive my comments any better then you did vintagecat's. The best way to avoid taking responsibility for a situation you don't like is to blame your age, your inexperience, etc. All we ask is that you aknowledge your role in this situation before acting like a victim. How do you get someone off your mind? By being as honest with yourself and with the people in your life as possible. It doesn't sound like you were honest with either of the men in your life and this is why you are having a hard time getting over penpal.
norajane Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Maybe you got played, and maybe your bf got played, too. Learn from it. At this point, realizing that "in love" comes and goes during the course of a relationship depending on how much effort one puts into it is the second most important thing for you. The first most important thing is for you to put all that energy you put into this other guy toward your bf. Start flirting with him by email, start sending him sexy texts, start telling bf your fantasies. Kiss and touch your bf often. Grab his butt when you walk past him in the kitchen. When he comes over, kiss him passionately and tell him you've been waiting to kiss him like that all day. Deepen the intimacy and playfulness between you. It's completely within your power to fall back in love with him, BUT, you have to make the effort. If you start making the effort, you will see that he will too. So all those times you find yourself thinking about loser internet guy, stop, and re-direct your thoughts to what you could do for your bf that minute or that evening to show him how sexy and incredibly wonderful you think he is.
Char.isma Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I seriously read this entire thing and then checked out to see if I knew the poster lol. I literally was involved in almost the same thing, although I was the guy and I wasn't QUITE that much of an ass. But it's absolutely weird to see the redic. amount of parallels. But I'm glad you stayed with your boyfriend because he seems like a good guy.
Mary3 Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I noticed you did not take the full impact of what happened... I noticed you did not feel much empathy for the * other guy * . There are alot of lonely souls out there and you may have really hurt this guy for the anticipation of what could have been. Sure he was just a guy on the computer monitor / text / emails. But to him you were his future . I am sure he got really involved with you. With that said , please be more careful when dealing with other people's feelings. ....Even though he didnt seem real to you or was just a temporary fantasy fix , this person out there did exist. He is likely crushed that you flipped off the switch. Thats all I am trying to say. Be more empathetic to other people's hearts and exersize more care when you have their heart in your hands.
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