CHEATERS REMORSE...need !!

[Dmoney28]

Ok this kinda long..well, very long. , first off, before the comments "once a cheater always a cheater" and "you dont seserve a second chance", i understand that cheating on my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years was VERY VERY VERY wrong. We met at a college and hit it off right away. We were in complete love for the first 2 years(from the start she said she needed a all consuming love..she'd been hurt before). Im not using this as a excuse, but in the later year, i was diagnosed with bi-polar. I always knew i had a problem, just didnt get evaluated til later in life (27). Well after going through bouts of depression, and self worthlessness, i began smoking marijuana alot, and drinking. I was in a very screwed up mind state, but i still loved my GF. During the last 6 months of our relationship i had 2 one night stands...nothing emotional, just got caught up in a manic mode of the disorder. Welll, she went through my cell, and saw txt msg from these people. I denied it, but she called one of the numbers...and i was busted. She through all my crap out, and called me a sick F. Since that night i was trully remorseful..and repented. I went weeks with no sleep, because of the guilt i had. i decided to change my life for the better. I cut off alot of "friends", ones who were secretly trying to break us up. I stopped smoking weed, and drinking. I sought out spirtual councel from church and saw a psychologist to deal with my lies and cheating. I didnt expect to hear back from her...at all, i knew i screwed up royally. But 2 days after the break up, she txt me a pic of her crying( her mother said never to talkto me again)...saying sad and lonely....i sent her one back...same thing. She called the next day...and we talked...and cried. Over the next week i tried to explain why i cheated. Eventually i owned up to my responisiblty and assured her it was me, not her. I explaind how sorry i was..and how repentful i was. She dropped off a pie for me one night, and couldnt stay too long because it was hard for her to see me. She was very angry with me( who could blame her)

 

Now i never intiated contact. I told her i give her space and time as she requested, but...she did the txting and calling. I guess to resolve questions about what happend. So i answered them all. She went up north to San Fransico for work and a B-day night out with her friends. She went out to clubs but was very uncomfortable dancing with guys..cuz she felt like she was still with me. I kept her company the whole way back to SoCal over the cell. We talked like it was normal. Even had conversations about all our other problems in the relationship.

 

All of this takes place during the month of the break up. So it has been a roller coaster of emotions for both of us. Our mutual "friend", began txting her and calling her, saying i was liar and so on...this after i told my ex the whole truth. They made up B.S lies, and wanted her to hang out...but my ex never really like them anyway. So we talked on the phone about how crazy they were. Any way, i sent her some gifts to kinda make up for how distant i was in the last year. The first gift she like...the second may have been too much. She said she was tring to heal and move on, and i kept myself in her life, and it made it difficult. I said i understand, and i wont call or e-mail or send anymore gifts. I said good luck in the future...she interupted me saying she had a struggle in her heart, about me. So i said, i'll give her space and time again. I still had stuff at her place, and she said we'll figure some way to get it to me, plus i owed her money i was paying back.

 

3 days laters i sent her a txt, stating my father had a minor follow up surgery. She said let her know when he was back home( they were very close). , so she could drop off a card. I was outside cutting his lawn when she came to drop it off. We had not seen each other in month...it was really wierd and akward. But we talked, and she helped me finish up the yard work. She went into the house and talked to my mom for 30 minutes. We continued to talk for the next 2 hours, about my new job, my and basically my new life and attitude...she said i was so diffrent..like a "alien". She offered to take a drive to a our speacial spot over looking the city at night( she made it very clear there was no sex going to happen). She also made it clear were not together anymore as well. She played all the R&B songs about guys screwing up and loosing there girls, on purpose i guess. On the way back she held my hand and we talked again like it was normal.

 

She dropped me off, and we hugged. Later that night around 12:45 she sent me a txt saying "i missed you so much". The next day we talked on the phone again,...not sure if this was a good idea, but i asked her if she wanted to take a hike...she said yes, but was kinda hesitant. But agreed to sun morning. Well those same "friends" once again spread our buisness to other people, and then they begain harrasing her through my space, etc....now she was even more emotional and upset. She was like " i got to go see my friend sarah in Long Beach for the weekend...im home alone and im so upset, we might have to cancel the hike". Damn..i said those A-holes are bringing her back to day 1 with this crap. I got in my car and went to her house (huge mistake i know). But she let me in and offered to take us out to dinner. We went to A sushi place she always wanted to take me to. The whole ride down there she was like " were not getting back together...i need you to be my friend right now", and i need to be able to trust you right now..ok?" i agreed..though it did sting a little. And i came off a little sad...but verified i was ok.We ate and held hands in the sushi bar...we went to the mall and walked around holding hands some of the time. We talked and behaved like we were together...but we wernt. Later on the night on the way back i told her about a post i wrote on craigslist missed connections..about how bad i felt and how i changed my life. After i was home...she called me asking where it was...we read through them on the phone, laughing at the other post, and she found mine...She said she liked it..but was like "ah, i see you havent let me go and move on"..i laughed.

 

I know she still loves me and i love her...but this friends situation isnt going to work out( even though i know i dont even diserve that)...we both agreed how hard it would be...was her behavior the last night a indication of getting back together...or just friends...either way im lucky she's talking to ne at all...trust me. Im trying no contact..since i havent heard from her in 2 days....its hard, but im healing as well. What should i do? Move on with my life..or try and hold out for friendship...and possible reconciliation?...either way, we have to start healing

[BackonTrack]

Not sure what to tell you.

Best thing you can do is go NC.

 

Anything you do now will only push her more away.

As about her friends, well nothing u can do about that.

 

 

The friends whom did hate you will be talking allot of **** about you....

You GF might feed into it or not.

 

Best thing you can do is go complete NC, maybe she'll forgive you and want to try again sometime in the future.

 

Maybe not.

 

Whatever you do, don't get desperate and try to stay in her life.

This will only down-grade your position in her eyes and cause her to loose respect for you which in essence lessens the attraction and her view of you.

[vivrantflo]

Many moons ago, I was in your exact same shoes, so I'll give u the best advice I can..

 

You gotta leave her alone.

 

She's hurt, confused, lonely.. all the ingredients of someone needing time to themselves.

 

When I was in your shoes, I played it wrong. Called her, got flowers, made promises, all that crap.. it means nothing. She's hurt, and devestated, and right now she's totally done with you. She doesn't see you the same, and doesn't respect you at all.

 

She loves you, but you need to earn her trust and respect back. If u don't get that respect, she'll never come back.

 

Mine lost respect for me, cause I acted like a patsy, and let her walk all over me.

 

All you have to do is let her know that you're sorry, you understand how she is feeling, and that she deserves time away from you. And then go NC.

 

This lets her know that you are remorseful, you respect her space, you understand her feelings, and that you'll make it, even if she doesnt return. She needs to believe that.

 

Only then would she entertain the thoughts of maybe giving you a second chance, or if she's done with you completely.

 

But you need to vanish. Answer her calls and questions, but keep it short and light. And dont chill with her. She's not going to forget what it's like to be with you, so trying to "win her over" by taking her places won't work.

 

Express your remorse, let her know u love her and want her back, and then back right off. This is a LENGTHY process, and odds are, she wont come back.. but you can maximize your chances if you give her space and play this right.

 

Good luck

[Al_Bundy]

When someone is betrayed, deep down they really know what to do, and that is to move on away from someone they can no longer trust.

 

But the shock they suffered as a result of finding out someone cheated on them leads them to feelings of desperation. things like thinking they'll never find anyone better, when anyone is better than a cheater, feelings of being scared that they will be alone, and unfounded feelings that they won't find anyone else like there aren't other fish in the sea.

 

So during this time, she isn't thinking clearly. She needs no interference from you so she can get out of this fog, start thinking clearly and decide what she wants to do.

 

Any contact you make now while she is in this shock and fog phase after finding out what you did only plays on her vulnerability at this point. And if you play on her at this vulnerable point, you are simply preying on her current weak state of mind.

 

So leave her alone.

[Dmoney28]

OK update...btw thanks for the help guys..took your advice and went NC to show her i respected her space and her descion . Day 6 of NC, and i was feeling better. I finally accepted we wernt getting back together...and if we did it would be a 1 in a trillion chance. So i was letting go. I was trying not to think of her as much, i stayed busy in the gym abd at work. I was finally getting more than 3 hours of sleep( racing thoughts of what if's and what she's was doing where slowing down). I was getting a fraction of peace....day 7...12:00 in the morning..Beep beep.beep...the dreaded txt from my cell. Dammit..i was asleep. Why is she txting me this early. F that, im not responding...yeah right..i check it at 3:00pm...she ask "you ok".

"yeah, im ok..you?"......."im fine , just checking up on you"..we go back and forth about her asking about my dads health, and how im caught up with my half of the rent from last month....45 min later "what the f**k happened to us" she asked...*sigh*..i replied, " i take responsibity for my actions, i realized i ruined our love, all i can do now is continue my psycholgist meetings and continue going to church and better myself"....she replied " i hate this nightmare were in..im sorry, i dont hate you, i wont ever hate you, this just sucks".....Now im back at day 1

with my feelings...back to the racing thoughts, and thoughts of her, and the time we spent over the last 3 years. i know we still carre for one another....but why this txt now...why ..why? I was almost accepting reality, trying to heal my deep wounds. She wanted NC..i stopped pleading, i stopped declaring my love...i stop invading her space. I know im wrong for cheating..goddamn, i lost over a month of sleep because of guilt and shame and the hurt i caused her. She knows im bipolar...its twice as hard for me to deal with this break up. What do you guys make of this?..i love this girl sooooo much, but this roller coaster is killing me...im tired, tired, tired.... tiyerrrddd. I want her back of course..and i guess the NC for 6 days "worked"..dammit, is it possible to wait this process out and see if she can forgive me? without loosing my sanity?...advice, support..anything please

[vivrantflo]

Just continue to put her feelings first.

 

Keep up with the NC. Answer her calls and such, but thats it. You really need to let her heal and decide what she wants to do. She misses you, but it disappointed in your actions that have tainted the relationship.

 

Continue to do you, and let her have her space.

 

Man, I've come to realize there's nothing new under the sun. My ex did the same things.. random texts at 3am asking if I still love her, and if im ok.. and what happend... Your ex is really hurting, and is beside herself...

 

Just put her feelings first, and continue to back off. You pain you're feeling is deserved cause you did break her heart. The ball is in her court, and you gotta respect that.

 

Stay strong, and continue to show her respect.

 

Good luck

[Dmoney28]

thanks vivrant, im following your advice about giving her space and respect. Now its the 3rd day of NC, and she's txting me for what seems to be silly reasons like "btw my parents came by and saw the marijuana plant growing in the garden" ( i WAS a advid week smoker before, but grew in hydroponics..not soil, no ideal where that plant came from), then somehow it turned into 2 plants...then she keeps txting about taking her parents to the airport...etc, etc, etc...not sure what to make of these random txt, but im not in anyway intiating any contact...and i always wait at least 5 hours to respond, lol, helps to keep your cell at home. So im trying not trying to come off needy or desperate...am i doing the right thing?

[Dmoney28]

Dude, i have read your post V...bro, mad props..that chick put you through hell. I read your thread, i have even more respect for your response to my post. Im hanging on to every word you type. It takes some brass balls to go what you went through....so with that being said..i'm going to apply even more so your advice...dude, keep the advice flowing.

[Dmoney28]

ok, latest update. She txt me again...all seems innocent at first..."thanks for posting that nice comment on Craigslist baby"...i respond 3 hours later..."your welcome"...Then i get this long angry email...."how could you do this to us, i sacfriced so much and you cheated on me with those women, after the time i sat with you in the hospital, and our trip to malibu...your answers for your actions sucks...they suck, im so mad at you"......ok, wow, where did that anger come from?..she had been txting me all week about "hope your having a good time", "im doing this with my family"....then she responds to a friendly post i made on craigslist with so much anger. i never intiated any contact. How the hell are you going to contact me..and then blow up.

 

Then she calls me. I knew i shouldnt have picked up..but i did. "how are you, im sorry about that email. i wanted to start it out being nice...then i just got angry"..ok, i tell myself, here comes the storm...in 1..2...3....

" How could you do this to me, i will NEVER understand your explanation, i never will. You played me from the start...you never loved me..i will never trust anyone, let alone you". Then i try to agree with everything she says..."yes it was my fault..i understand how i hurt you, im bipolar, there is documented accounts of hyper sexual activity, as well as compolsive spending and gambling..its a disorder documented in medical txt books"....."i learned how to take responsibilty for my actions, i would never do this again, i see my psychologist, and my bipolar support group as well as my pastor"....."im not blaming my actions on my disorder..i did make alot of poor choices, and i didnt think of us"

 

Then she starts crying about how i never loved her, how im mocking her behind her back(guessing her friends are telling her that), how i dont understand where she's coming from, how i will never understand her...and how she dosent understand why she keeps talking to me. Then i explained how i loved her, how i was battling with a psycholgical disorder..how im on meds and getting help. Nothing i said seemed good enough. I ended the convo by saying im sorry ....you and i both need sleep....goodnight.

Ok, what now...i already know im going NC from now on..no doubt about it. But should i answer her calls or txt's?...or total NC and ignore her. I love her, but damn...i dont think she will ever stop being mad?...what should i do ......PLEASSSE HELP

[vivrantflo]

Like I said earlier, she's all emotionally messed up. She's going through an emotional roller coaster right now, cause she loves you, but then is constantly reminded of what you did to her. Hence the angry email.

 

Don't mention the bi-polar thing. And hyper sexuality. Cause if you suffer from hyper sexuality, you should be wanting to have sex with your own woman all the time, not just any woman behind your woman's back.

 

You have to take this as a lesson learned my friend. You read my story.. it took my ex well over a year and a half to get over my infidelity, and by the time she did, she was indifferent towards me... and that's the end.

 

She won't get over what you did for a very long time... and she may NEVER get over it. Even if she asked for you back 3 to 5 months from now.. your cheating will STILL bother her, and she still will not trust you. This is why I believe the relationship is over.

 

Once the trust is broken, the relationship can never ever be the same. She'll never trust you 100%

 

You came to this site for advice, so here it is.

 

Continue to work on yourself. Your issues will not be permanently changed over night. It's going to take a lot of time to work on yourself. Inform your ex girlfriend of your intentions to give her space to think and heal, and your intentions to better yourself.. then go NFC, and stick to it.

 

Nothing you say to her will hold any water, so all you can do is be honest about your feelings, work on yourself, and leave the ball in her court. But you have to live your life with the impession that she's not coming back. Cause realistically, she may never come back.

 

So NFC, none. If she calls, answer, be supportive, but keep the conversations very very breif.

 

You're in a messy situation, so you better show some thick skin for this one.

[Dmoney28]

Ok V. Im going to to follow your advice. I love her, so i'm going to be in it for the long haul. If it dosent work out, lesson learned i guess. So wierd, i thought we were making some progress. She contacted me from 6 days, to 3 days to almost everyday after my NC. Then this anger just came out of nowhere. But she's still hurt.. Just have to keep doing me, in the case she wants its over i wont be to hurt. Thanks for the advice V. I'll keep you posted when something new comes up.

[Dmoney28]

Well, i stayed with the NFC. And she has been contacting me now by cell and e-mail instead of txt. She sent me a e-mail saying her cousin is staying with her. His fiance sent him to her because he has a drug problem and is going to his rehab. she says when she went to one of his meetings , she couldnt help but think of me and my bi-polar and how i was "hurting" my self with my actions. then she calls me asking about how to get her computer back online. She goes on about how its still strange not being with me, and how she misses me. She has been looking at my myspace, and says she likes my new pics and is glad im having a good time.

Should i take this at face value? or is she trying to tell me something?

[lofi_tokyo]

I think a lot of times, when a break up occurs, it is because your ex has kind of puts you at a low value. When you beg for them back after the break-up, their image of your "worth" kind of goes down.

 

BUT! If you move on happily, put on a smile and do your best to be okay with the break-up, then your ex starts to kind of wonder whats going on. Especially if you were begging and pleading not weeks beforehand.

 

So, it sounds like she got curious when you went NC, saw (based on your myspace) that you're doing okay without her, and her value of you went up again, causing her to miss you.

 

I know that sounds crazy, but I think it happens with a lot of relationships. Everything has a push-pull kind of deal going on. You kept trying to pull her back into your life, which in turn pushed her away from you. BUT! When you stopped trying with her, it pulled her back in. People want what they can't have, right?

 

I think what shes saying is pretty direct. She misses you. She's happy you're having a good time - but its bittersweet, because its a good time without HER!

 

Does this mean shes coming back to you? Possibly. I really cannot say, only she can. But.... what I can say is that a relationship is sucessful when each person's perceived value of their SO is quite high. She dumped you because it was low... but you're rising it up in her eyes. Will it be enough for her to come back? Only time will tell.

 

But... just a warning:

You broke her heart. Will she ever trust you again like she used to? I don't know. From my perspective, if my cheating ex (most recent one) came back, I don't know if I would have healed enough yet to... trust again. I'd always be worried about him cheating again. I don't know what your situation with her looks like right now, but its very possible you will never get your old relationship back.

 

The question to ask then is, are you really willing to go back, if the chance arises? Only you know the answer, but I think in some cases, its better to learn your lesson, and move on - be a better man for the next woman, and have a new, healthy relationship with her.