DeePee Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Why do girls constantly send mixed signals? History. Seeing someone for several weeks. Not a couple, not a few... several. Have had great convo, chemistry, yada yada. No sleeping together, however. My romantic gestures/dates/advances are (well they were) accepted with great enthusiasm. She's said she liked me in the previous weeks. This isn't an issue of friends with benefits, cause there are no "benefits" happening. We just kiss and cuddle, and spend intimate/romantic time together. Last time I posted an issue with this girl was when I thought I was too into her. Well, I layed it all out there with my romantic gestures a while ago, and for a few weeks she responded very positively about it. Well, some days ago she tells me that she doesn't want anything serious. I told her, "Ok, I understand, but I just wanted to let you know that I like you and see where things go." Looks like I was too attached. Again, she said that she didn't get to know me expecting a serious thing, and that she isn't looking for anything serious Well, after a few days of thinking about what's happened, I came to the conclusion that if she were not into something serious then why have such a great time when I'm being romantic? Something doesn't sound right, and I hate when girls send mixed signals. Do girls think it's ok to just kiss and cuddle a guy FOR WEEKS and not expect him to be hurt when you say things like that?
Author DeePee Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 This is so aggravating. My friends (and the girls I've dated) all say this about me. That I am confident, fun, funny, attractive, independent, kind, considerate, amongst other things. Yet, these girls I've dated don't take things any further with me and end up with some guy who treats them like a commodity. I know I don't act needy, attached, weak, or like a chump, even if I feel attached inside I find ways to direct that energy towards my hobbies. That way I don't smother any women I'm seeing. I swear women say they want one thing, a nice guy who has a backbone, is attractive, and knows how to have fun. Yet, I feel like I fit that description, my friends tell me I'm better than what most women want, so what is it that's going on? Why am I always alone in the end? This time I thought things were different with her. For several weeks we've progressed w/o any hiccups, and all of a sudden I get the "I'm not looking for anything serious, talk." I don't consider seeing eachother 1 or 2 times a week excessive, and we only talked about 2 to 3 times a week.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Seeing someone for several weeks. . Have had great chemistry What do you define as chemistry? No sleeping together, Doesn't sound like chemistry.
Author DeePee Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 Chemistry as in, lots of laughing, contact, just a general positive interaction. No sleeping together by choice, not b/c she doesn't want to.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 You need to start oozing sex appeal. It's not that girls say one thing and do another. A lot of us do want to be with a quality guy with a backbone and all that other stuff. Unfortunately, a lot of times those guys don't generate heat. I don't know why that is, but it seems to be true in a lot of cases. Take control and make some moves with confidence and maybe she'll start whistling a new tune. Don't be shy or dopey about it, just do it. Does this make any sense?
Ronni_W Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I swear women say they want one thing, a nice guy who has a backbone, is attractive, and knows how to have fun. I don't think it is specific to women. I think that many (most?) individuals are just also trying to deal with their own unresolved emotional issues...and oftentimes not doing such a great job, unfortunately. You can be the greatest person on the planet, but if you are attracting (for whatever reason), women have unresolved fear of intimacy, or rejection, or whatever, then they will end up running from you, regardless. That is, until they are ready to face and willing to overcome their particular issue(s). It's NOT a reflection on you so much as it is just their own deep-seated issues that come into play after that initial 'getting to know you' phase. I think we allow ourselves to go through that phase just really hoping that "this time" we won't be sabotaged by our own fear(s)...but obviously it needs much more than just hoping, about that. So then...if this is consistently happening to you, maybe you want to take a look at the type of personality that attracts you -- what is it about a girl, that draws you in? Are there any discernible patterns in personalities, qualities, tendencies, behaviours, etc.? And/or. What is your self-image as a "boyfriend/partner"? Are you a knight in shining armour, a fixer, a care-giver, a protector, a saviour? For example, a 'knight' will be attracted to 'damsels in distress' -- but the woman you choose may not see herself as 'in distress and in need of rescue/protection' -- so when you see/treat her like that, it will turn her off you, even though your intentions are worthy and noble. Cos chances are that, if you keep attracting women who have similar patterns and/or 'relationship fears' that habitually result in you ending up alone, as you put it, there is a lesson in there somewhere, for you.
TigerCub Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 You need to start oozing sex appeal. It's not that girls say one thing and do another. A lot of us do want to be with a quality guy with a backbone and all that other stuff. Unfortunately, a lot of times those guys don't generate heat. I don't know why that is, but it seems to be true in a lot of cases. Take control and make some moves with confidence and maybe she'll start whistling a new tune. Don't be shy or dopey about it, just do it. Does this make any sense? I agree. I don't know what it is about the really nice guys, but most of them just don't have the confidence to just make a move and be really passionate, they just don't bring the throw-down factor. It's all about the confidence...oh and I find that they usually are the 'mimicker' type (that means, they don't really have moves of their own they just do what the girl does), its disappointing because it just shows that they don't have any moves.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 It's not that girls say one thing and do another. A lot of us do want to be with a quality guy with a backbone and all that other stuff. Unfortunately, a lot of times those guys don't generate heat. I don't know why that is, but it seems to be true in a lot of cases. I agree. The best "on paper" guy I had a relationship with was the least passionate and sexy. He was 6'4", very attractive, super fit, brilliant, outgoing, great social life, hardworking, thoughtful, treated me like a queen, but had very little sexual mojo. It was the root of all our problems, and the only reason I stayed so long was I was young and inexperienced. My last boyfriend, on the other hand, was not nearly as good on paper, but he oozed sex and was an amazing lover. His sexual mojo absolutely had me weak in the knees for the duration of our relationship.
BentSpine Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I agree. I don't know what it is about the really nice guys, but most of them just don't have the confidence to just make a move and be really passionate, they just don't bring the throw-down factor. It's all about the confidence...oh and I find that they usually are the 'mimicker' type (that means, they don't really have moves of their own they just do what the girl does), its disappointing because it just shows that they don't have any moves. Yeah, that's a pretty good description of me. Except that I'm very confident in the sack. I believe that at least some of the guys you ditched because they didn't ooze sex, will make some woman's sexual dreams come true. The nice men don't need confidence in themselves, they need reassuring that they won't hurt your feelings or self worth before they let loose their sexually aggressive side.
Star Gazer Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Chemistry as in, lots of laughing, contact, just a general positive interaction. No sleeping together by choice, not b/c she doesn't want to. BECAUSE....(wait for it)....she doesn't want anything serious.
TigerCub Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Yeah, that's a pretty good description of me. Except that I'm very confident in the sack. so are you a mimicker? I believe that at least some of the guys you ditched because they didn't ooze sex, will make some woman's sexual dreams come true. I have no doubt that they will... The nice men don't need confidence in themselves, they need reassuring that they won't hurt your feelings or self worth before they let loose their sexually aggressive side. That's interesting...Why would they hurt my feelings by taking charge and being passionate?
ed-205 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 It generally takes a woman about 30 seconds to make up her mind how serious she's going to get with a guy, and if she doesn't want a relationship (with you) right now, she probably never did. What is disturbing about this is that whatever the two of you have going right now, in her mind it *isn't* a relationship. To me, that's as good as saying "I don't want to get serious with you, but you can take care of me until the *real* Mr Right shows up". Such people in this position are called "Transitional Objects", iow, someone to spend time with until someone better comes along. The problem with this is that a serious guy will likely hang on to what he thinks could be a potential relationship as long as he thinks he has a chance, when the woman made up her mind from the start that he never had a chance to begin with, and moves on to a new relationship as easily as she changes her underwear. As long as you are OK with that, and you can deal with the inevitable "We can't see each other anymore" when she's done with you, then there's no problem. Enjoy your time together for whatever it's worth, but don't set yourself up for a heart-break, and *definitely* don't obligate yourself to her in a way that makes you turn-down a better offer from someone else.
ed-205 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 That's interesting...Why would they hurt my feelings by taking charge and being passionate? Because of the Mixed signals he's received from other women. I had a GF who was one of those "Don't you *DARE* touch me!" types while she shoved her boobs in my face. I don't know if she had a rape fantasy or what, but the whole thing to me was a complete turn-off. Then there's the ones who suddenly change their minds just as you're rounding Third base, and the ones who push you off as soon as they've had "enough". The absolute worst are the ones who cry afterwards because the suddenly realize they didn't want to do it in the first place. Not only do these experiences create lasting confusion and emotional stress in a man because he has unintentionally *hurt* someone he loves, knowing that he stands a very real risk of going to jail as a sex offender for misinterpreting a womans signals as she changes her mind on the fly is a serious show-stopper. What some women call "taking charge and being passionate", other women call "rape".
Yamaha Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Women are all about feelings and emotions. Basically , if they don't want to rip your clothes off and do nasty things to you then you are a friend and will never be a serious player for her heart. You need to move things up soon to find out where you stand because they will never tell you ( they may really enjoy your company and like you but you don't cause them to get butterflies ). If you try and kiss them and they play you off or they feel uncomfortable then you need to move on to someone who does want more than a friendship ( if romance is your goal ).
jadedone Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 pretty easy answer. Next time you hang out and are kissing, start undoing her pants and slide your hand in. If she resists, get up and leave. You want to be serious, if she doesn't, you are wasting your time.
orangehose Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 It's really not just an issue of putting your 'sexual mojo' out there right away. Actually, I've been turned off / freaked out when guys have come on too strong and flaunted their mojo in my face. Makes me think they're just trying for something physical, so I put them in 'sleazeball / temporary' category rather than 'relationship' category. That said, if you just want a hook-up, might as well try for it as soon as possible with every girl you date. I think Ronni_W hit the nail on the head when he attributed it to the woman's own issues and baggage. Maybe the last guy she dated was a complete jerk to her, and so she wants to take it super-slow and get to know guys as friends before becoming lovers. Having been on the receiving end of a brutal split, I am VERY hesitant about getting into another relationship right now. Maybe your girl also has some issues or baggage that is preventing her from leaping headlong into a serious relationship. Though, having said all this, you deserve to be dating someone who wants the same kind of relationship as you want. Maybe set a time limit and then have a talk about it.
TigerCub Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Because of the Mixed signals he's received from other women. I had a GF who was one of those "Don't you *DARE* touch me!" types while she shoved her boobs in my face. I don't know if she had a rape fantasy or what, but the whole thing to me was a complete turn-off. Then there's the ones who suddenly change their minds just as you're rounding Third base, and the ones who push you off as soon as they've had "enough". The absolute worst are the ones who cry afterwards because the suddenly realize they didn't want to do it in the first place. Not only do these experiences create lasting confusion and emotional stress in a man because he has unintentionally *hurt* someone he loves, knowing that he stands a very real risk of going to jail as a sex offender for misinterpreting a womans signals as she changes her mind on the fly is a serious show-stopper. What some women call "taking charge and being passionate", other women call "rape". Who are these girls you're dating? So you're pretty much saying that guys have only 2 options. Either do nothing, or risk being a rapist? I don't think that's true. I don't equate a guy being passionate and being confident enough to make some moves as a guy that's a potential rapist. As long as there is comfort there and as long as they aren't forcing anyone to do anything, its not wrong. I'm talking about guys that have confidence to lead into something. I mean if you're at the point where you're already making out with your date, there is some chemistry, if the girl doesn't want it to go far, its not the end of the world. But the guys I'm talking about are the ones that don't just sit there and not make any moves.
Author DeePee Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 I didn't think it's an issue of sexual mojo, because we both flirt sexually, and we don't "want" to have sex now. Anyhow, I'm at the point where I'm OK being her friend with no LTR future. I let her know what my intentions were, have showed her who I am and am not, and I've relieved myself of any attachment that could hurt me should things not work out. It's her move, at this point, and should someone who can give me what I'm looking for come along I wouldn't hesitate to get to know them better. Thanks everyone. However, I didn't think girls went towards LTRs if they're your friend. I still think she sent mixed signals, though.
BentSpine Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 so are you a mimicker? Until I get it into my thick head that this woman is not only attracted to me, but also wants me to touch her right here & right now, then yes, I'm probably a mimicker. I readily admit that I need clear signals to understand how people feel. And since I care about the feelings of the woman, I will likely stay on the safe, gentlemanly side when in doubt. To the silent frustration of past women I've met. Once I realise I've gotten green lights though, or I know there's trust in case I get too amourous, RAAWWR.
Author DeePee Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Doesn't that present a catch 22? Most women don't give green lights out of nowhere. They know guys are weak and are better at "not caring" then men.
Red_Shoes Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I still think she sent mixed signals, though. If she's sending mixed signals, maybe she doesn't know what she wants. I agree with some of the other posts that she may have plenty of baggage from previous relationships which hasn't been dealt with, or doesn't want to put herself out there/take emotional risks for fear of getting hurt. There can be occasions where someone may like and respect another person, get on well with them, think they are good looking or their usual "type", but due to whatever is going on in their life they may not find them attractive at that time becausetheyhave not committed wholeheartedly to the idea of a relationship. Perhaps she doesn't feel ready for a serious relationship at the moment but hasn't acknowledged it to herself because she likes you and enjoys spending time with you- the mixed signals causing you confusion are probably due to her own confusion.
stillafool Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Or, maybe the young lady doesn't have any past issues or baggage at all. Maybe she is just enjoying life right now and doesn't want to get serious. There is such a thing you know. Why would she think it would be unpleasing for him to kiss and cuddle with her for a while? Didn't OP have a good time as well? Maybe she just isn't in "relationship mood" right now but still thinks he is a great guy. I've been at this stage in life when I was younger.
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