In times of crisis: Will he cling to the W, or run to the OW?

[AutumnLove]

I was just going to throw something out there to see if anyone has experience with this: The MM I'm involved with has just heard some terrible news about his son (he's going to prison). In your personal experience, do men who go through these family devastations more often cling to their wives or run to the OW for the sake of forgetting his pain?

[GPFan]

I have no experience with this but, logically, any man is going to be where his children are in a crisis.

 

If there are no children, he may be interested in protecting his property and/or looking out for the welfare of other close family members.

 

Addressing the crisis you present here, I suppose it would depend upon how well OW knows the son and whether or not there is anything she can do to help. If it is hopeless for the son at this point, I don't know of anyone other than the child's mother who would understand the depth of despair he must be feeling.

 

Strategies for forgetting the pain depend upon how fresh the pain is.

[Angel1111]

Most likely what will happen is that he will first be there for his family. He and his wife share a strong connection where the kids are concerned. So he will be there for her and for the rest of his family.

 

BUT...

 

....once he's taken care of everyone else, he will turn to the OW for his own personal comfort.

[GreenEyedLady]

I was just going to throw something out there to see if anyone has experience with this: The MM I'm involved with has just heard some terrible news about his son (he's going to prison). In your personal experience, do men who go through these family devastations more often cling to their wives or run to the OW for the sake of forgetting his pain?

 

He should choose you period.

 

If he has to rely on an event, then you don't want him anyway.

[OWoman]

I was just going to throw something out there to see if anyone has experience with this: The MM I'm involved with has just heard some terrible news about his son (he's going to prison). In your personal experience, do men who go through these family devastations more often cling to their wives or run to the OW for the sake of forgetting his pain?

 

In my experience, the OW.

 

If you've got the kind of R where he feels he can share things, that is. Else his mates down the pub.

[AutumnLove]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses so far. I do know a lot about his son and have met him, but I do not know him personally. He has been troubled for quite some time and has kept his dad busy with worry for several years now.

 

As far as my relationship with this MM, we are very open about all topics including personal trials. The only thing that may have a factor in the matter is that our relationship is only a month and a half old. I've known him / been friends with him for almost 4 years however. I just wanted to know what changes, if any, to expect with this terrible event.

 

Thanks again, and if anyone else has personal experience with this to share, please do so!

[Lizzie60]

I was just going to throw something out there to see if anyone has experience with this: The MM I'm involved with has just heard some terrible news about his son (he's going to prison). In your personal experience, do men who go through these family devastations more often cling to their wives or run to the OW for the sake of forgetting his pain?

 

I have never experienced a situation like that.. it's hard to say what can happen.. since parenting could be the reason why the son is going to prison and this could raise hell in the couple.

 

In a crisis like that .. sometimes the M doesn't make it through.. they blame each other for the son's situation... blablabla..

 

so he might cling to the OW..

[White Flower]

They're all different. They could cling to both.

[AutumnLove]

He called finally this morning with a good update. Looks like the charges appeared a lot worse than they really are and he will not be going to prison. I'm so relieved! Hopefully I will see him next week.

Thanks again for the input...

[White Flower]

Did you feel he clinged to you more during this crisis?

[jj33]

He called finally this morning with a good update. Looks like the charges appeared a lot worse than they really are and he will not be going to prison. I'm so relieved! Hopefully I will see him next week.

Thanks again for the input...

 

Autumn do you love this man? It sure doesnt sound like it from your post. It sounds like it is "all about you".

 

Did I get this right. His son is charged with a criminal offense and your greatest concern is whether that will cause him to bond more with you versus his wife? yes you did say you were relieved but in the context of being able to see him next week (damn those incovenient family issues keeping him away from you...)

 

Perhaps its the bright side of the cloud eh? If the family's in crisis at least theres a shot it will bring you closer?

 

Do tell me I got this wrong..... and if I didnt what in the world are you doing there?

[GPFan]

Autumn do you love this man? It sure doesnt sound like it from your post. It sounds like it is "all about you".

 

Did I get this right. His son is charged with a criminal offense and your greatest concern is whether that will cause him to bond more with you versus his wife? yes you did say you were relieved but in the context of being able to see him next week (damn those incovenient family issues keeping him away from you...)

 

Perhaps its the bright side of the cloud eh? If the family's in crisis at least theres a shot it will bring you closer?

 

Do tell me I got this wrong..... and if I didnt what in the world are you doing there?

True there is nothing in the original or subsequent posts which reveals genuine concern for the son, however, this is not her child and she doesn't know him personally. It isn't her 'job,' as it were, to care for his children, wife or family in order to love him.

 

The affair that grows out of a relationship where the children-of-marriage are known and loved by the OW/OM would, I hope, be a rare event. It happens but most women who are attached to a child wouldn't care to do anything so harmful as to interfere in that child's family knowing how damaging it is for most children (assuming, of course, a non-abusive scenario).

 

Please bear in mind that I am visualising young children in the home not adult children.

[jj33]

True there is nothing in the original or subsequent posts which reveals genuine concern for the son, however, this is not her child and she doesn't know him personally. It isn't her 'job,' as it were, to care for his children, wife or family in order to love him.

 

The affair that grows out of a relationship where the children-of-marriage are known and loved by the OW/OM would, I hope, be a rare event. It happens but most women who are attached to a child wouldn't care to do anything so harmful as to interfere in that child's family knowing how damaging it is for most children (assuming, of course, a non-abusive scenario).

 

Please bear in mind that I am visualising young children in the home not adult children.

 

I agree with you totally GP. However if you love someone and their child is in danger it seems to go without saying that you recognize that your loved one (the MM) would be extremely upset and worried. And that rather than seeing it as an "opportunity" you would want to supportive of the man, give him space to be where he is most needed etc. The OPs interest in his pain seems to be all about whether it will be an opportunity for her with no real concern for him and what he is going through.

 

I mean my God his son is subject to criminal charges for something, unless that is not unusual in the OPs world, then her post seems very callow.

 

I guess I was responding to what on the screen seemed like a total lack of empathy.

 

That lack of empathy suggests her feelings for him are quite shallow and self centered. And with no disrespect to the OP I think she is quite young and he is much older and she doesnt seem to appreciate the challenges he is facing or to see him as a partner much as she claims to want him with her.

 

An A is often only an A (which is what this case sounds like) but if someone is posting and saying I want to be with him I love him so much etc etc.... I want him to bond with me... the chances for success seem to be quite low when this sort of a stance (if I read it right) is shown.

[GPFan]

I guess I was responding to what on the screen seemed like a total lack of empathy.

I agree with you too.

 

There is often a lack of empathy expressed amongst OWs toward his children. Some of that arises, I believe, from the fact that so many men claim it is about their children -- they cannot leave because of the children.

 

The children become more of an obstacle than the wife to the OW. If you think about it, the children must be marginalised in order for her to reach her goal.

 

I do not agree with this stance, it is simply an observation.

 

In this particular instance, age may have something to do with it also as becoming a Mother/Father changes you in so many ways. The OP simply may not be able to relate.

[jj33]

I agree with you too.

 

There is often a lack of empathy expressed amongst OWs toward his children. Some of that arises, I believe, from the fact that so many men claim it is about their children -- they cannot leave because of the children.

 

The children become more of an obstacle than the wife to the OW. If you think about it, the children must be marginalised in order for her to reach her goal.

 

I do not agree with this stance, it is simply an observation.

 

In this particular instance, age may have something to do with it also as becoming a Mother/Father changes you in so many ways. The OP simply may not be able to relate.

 

Its absolutely chilling. To me that is not love but everyone sees it differently. As an ex OW I cant relate to that at all. I dont have children but I never encouraged xMM to "choose me" over spending time with his children or grandchildren. That was something he sometimes did on his own but when I knew about it I encouraged him to make the family choice but that is just me. To me family comes first.

 

I dont see how any OW "wins" by competing with a man's wife or children. If someone loves you and wants to be with you they will. From my perspective, competing for someone's heart is a losing game.

 

And not being able to relate to their family ties and obligations would seem to be a nail in the coffin for any relationship outside of an A. In an A its fine the rest of the world doesnt exist but evne if the MM were to leave any real relationshp would seem to be doomed if the OW didnt understand his other family relationships.

[GPFan]

I dont see how any OW "wins" by competing with a man's wife or children. If someone loves you and wants to be with you they will. From my perspective, competing for someone's heart is a losing game.

I agree, if it is a competition then the battle has been lost before it has begun. Many do learn this but not before experiencing intense pain and angst.

[jj33]

I think its different when adult children are involved. Everyone is entitled to their happiness even parents of adult children. However when a child is in trouble whether they are 5 or 55, the position posted by the OP sounds very self centered. Again I hope I misunderstood her.

[MizzBlue72]

I agree. I think it could be that OW sometimes do not empathize with the children - but some do.

 

I think when there are adult children, and no small children in the home, this may make it easier on both in the A.

 

I think that the MM does cling to family in time of crisis (especially if wife is involved) and will then call upon the OW.

[LakesideDream]

He should choose you period.

 

If he has to rely on an event, then you don't want him anyway.

 

 

Right on the mark GEL. We need to be true to ourselves first. If I was inlove with a person, I would choose her over all others. Not doing so can be the worst decision of a persons life. I know, I have made the wrong decision, and have paid the price.

 

OP, if he claims he loves you, and doesen't choose you, you know what your need to know. You are a glorified booty call. If it's you he cherishes, you've got a chance at happiness.

 

Good Luck,

[agate]

I guess i don't understand the competition part of this. If you are not confident that you are first in his heart instead of the w then why are you even there? As far as the children are concerned, THEY should always come first. If you feel the need to compete with anyone in his life then perhaps this isn't the right R For you. I would be disAppointed with my mm if he WASNT there for the mother of his children in a time of crisis, but thats just me. Im secure in the fact that my mm is mine.

[Lookingforward]

It would be entirely understandable if the MM in question "clung" to the mother of the child in question in this situation rather than an OW he has only known as such for 1 1/2 months, regardless of whether you have been friends for 4 years.

 

Giving the OP the benefit of the doubt here, perhaps she was just concerned with whether she would be expected to be his "support" during this time or not and how she should handle that?

[OWoman]

And not being able to relate to their family ties and obligations would seem to be a nail in the coffin for any relationship outside of an A. In an A its fine the rest of the world doesnt exist but evne if the MM were to leave any real relationshp would seem to be doomed if the OW didnt understand his other family relationships.

 

This doesn't just hold for OWs, but for Ws too (and, I'm sure mutatis mutandis, for OMs and Hs). Having just returned from one of those extended family long weekend events, I'm reminded of just how important they are for every member of the family - the grandparents, the siblings, the small kids... MM's family are very close - but in the past he would not have gone to such a get-together, because of his W's bad relationships with everyone. He was marginal to the family, and he felt that exclusion deeply and tried to see them on his own as much as possible, but was always feeling torn. If he went to such a long weekend without his W, she would insist the kids stayed with her, and he'd have felt their absence surrounded by everyone else's kids. If she went - back in the days when the invitation included her - she'd make it so awful for everyone that the whole event would sour. But now, we go as a couple (with the kids, if they're with us) and it's a wonderful time for all. From being peripheral, he's back in the centre of the family, playing a key role and helping keep it all together.

 

Family matters.

[jj33]

I agree 100% OW. And congrats that must feel so good for him and for you.

[White Flower]

This doesn't just hold for OWs, but for Ws too (and, I'm sure mutatis mutandis, for OMs and Hs). Having just returned from one of those extended family long weekend events, I'm reminded of just how important they are for every member of the family - the grandparents, the siblings, the small kids... MM's family are very close - but in the past he would not have gone to such a get-together, because of his W's bad relationships with everyone. He was marginal to the family, and he felt that exclusion deeply and tried to see them on his own as much as possible, but was always feeling torn. If he went to such a long weekend without his W, she would insist the kids stayed with her, and he'd have felt their absence surrounded by everyone else's kids. If she went - back in the days when the invitation included her - she'd make it so awful for everyone that the whole event would sour. But now, we go as a couple (with the kids, if they're with us) and it's a wonderful time for all. From being peripheral, he's back in the centre of the family, playing a key role and helping keep it all together.

 

Family matters.

As always, a clear, concise, and wonderful post, OWoman. I'm happy your guy is back at the heart of his family.