siris Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Loveshack: need help. Over a year ago I was dumped from a long term relationship by my girlfriend. 2 this date I really dont know why I just think it was another guy in the picture. After the break up I never called or email, text, etc. I just dealt with the low blow. 3weeks ago I recevied a text fom my ex telling me that she was sorry for the way she treated me and that I did'nt deserve that.Once again this is a whole year and 3months later. After thinking about the text I sent a reply that just said thanks for the kind words and that we all at some point in our life do things we dont mean. She also sent a reply back saying that she did'nt expect me 2 reply but was glad I did. 4 once in my life I felt as if I turned the other cheek and was happy about that. I have not heard from her in about 3weeks until 2day I get a text asking me if I would go by her house and feed her dog because she is out of town due to her job. I am very confused by this. Why would she want me a person that has not been to her house since the break up to do this? What is going on here? Would anyone who once lived with a mate want to go back and visit a place where they were dumped also feeding a dog that was once a part of your life? Forum please tell me whats going on here. Could it really be about the dog? This is so confusing.
Angel1111 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I don't know if it's really the dog, or if she's just really obtuse. Maybe it's both. First of all, don't go feed her stupid dog. She should've worked that out with someone else before she went out of town. Her request is out of line and ridiculous. Text her back with a simple, "No." As for what her real intentions might be, it's hard to say. She may be just using you, or she may be wanting you back. It's quite the ass-backwards way to go about it, but whatever.
MichiganMan222 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 What exactly are you hoping it means? Do you want to give her another try? Sounds like she does. Think about it....if she didn't want that, why the hell would she text you a year later and ask a favor? That would be about as classless as you can get. I'm guessing the dog is an excuse to contact you.
Author siris Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 Thanks 4 the reply I just don't know what 2 think it just blows my mind not knowing if this is really about the dog or what. Please keep sending replies I need help with this;thanks a mill.
movingonandon Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I think that you should not feed the dog. Politely refuse, and then do not initiate any contact, just see what she does. If she dumped you with no explanation, she cannot expect to quietly slide back into your life (i'm not saying that that's her actual intention, but if it is, and if this is the way she plans to do it - forget her. this is disrespectful and even if you do end up back together there is a chance that the whole fiasco will get repeated). *If* she wants you back (which we cannot assume), she needs to own up to her past actions, acknowledge that she has hurt you (not in an easy text message), say that she made a mistake, and most importantly - show some willingness to prove to you that it is worth your while to contemplate maybe getting back. In no ways I'm suggesting that she should grovel or humiliate herself, but she should give you at least something to work with. Feeding her stupid dog is not it. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. For now, just *politely* refuse, and wait... that's my recommendation and obviously it in no way should determine what you actually end up doing. A barely motivated stranger's point of view. As a side note, I know that many women will disagree with the above and will say that she's "already done enough" and "sent enough signs" and that if you don't take it up and follow them you'll lose, to which I say that they watch too much sex and the city and have been infected with the ridicolous sense of entitlement...
Angel1111 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 As a side note, I know that many women will disagree with the above and will say that she's "already done enough" and "sent enough signs" and that if you don't take it up and follow them you'll lose, to which I say that they watch too much sex and the city and have been infected with the ridicolous sense of entitlement... I agree with you. I think that if a guy did something to cause the relationship to end, then yes he needs to make the effort if she contacts him. But if this girl dumped him like a hot potato and hasn't spoken in a whole year, then she needs to do way more than what she's done. A little text saying I'm sorry isn't going to cut it. It's not about a sense of entitlement, it's about which court the ball lands in after a break-up. That doesn't always mean that the person who ended it has the ball in their court, either. There are times when a guy needs to take action when he knows he screwed up the relationship and when a lot of signs are there that she's open to conversation. In that case, a woman will only go so far to repair things. And if a guy expects her to chase him, it's probably not going to happen. Again, it really depends on the circumstances.
movingonandon Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I agree with you. I think that if a guy did something to cause the relationship to end, then yes he needs to make the effort if she contacts him. But if this girl dumped him like a hot potato and hasn't spoken in a whole year, then she needs to do way more than what she's done. A little text saying I'm sorry isn't going to cut it. It's not about a sense of entitlement, it's about which court the ball lands in after a break-up. That doesn't always mean that the person who ended it has the ball in their court, either. There are times when a guy needs to take action when he knows he screwed up the relationship and when a lot of signs are there that she's open to conversation. In that case, a woman will only go so far to repair things. And if a guy expects her to chase him, it's probably not going to happen. Again, it really depends on the circumstances. yep, yep, yep - important qualifications, OP, keep them in mind. This is always a hot topic for me personally, because I had to go through the same thing: my ex gf wasn't happy with some of my traits (being on her case non-stop to finish her goddamned degree, not being emphatetic, being the abrupt let's just get **** done kind of guy I am etc.); not to make excuses, but we're talking about personality flaws, no abuse, mistreatment, cheating from my side etc., so though I understand how these things have opressed her, I was aware of them and made it clear that would like to change. Instead, the way she dealt with all this was to dump me for another guy, which of course she regretted 2 months later and attempted to come back. This did not work because she showed no sign of remorse, was more concerned with justifying her behavior rather than understand the implicatons of it, and just expected that her declaration "I want to come back" to make it work. Although i still miss her, obviously I could not do it, especially given that she even did not bother to break up with this guy before trying to patch things up with me, and did not do it even after I made it clear that that's a precondition for future communication (which she agreed to). Anyway, my point is not to hijack the thread, but to emphasise that unfortunately, as Ar said above, there is a grey area of what constitutes "good enough effort". You can use my case as a benchmark what certainly does NOT, and it is you and only you that should determine what is good enough in your case. Basically, try to think of this in sober terms - if it actually comes to recon talk (which, with the evidence at hand is unlikely), you'll be making a life changing decision, so just weight the evidence, costs and benefits and think if you're comfortable with it. Being true to yourself does not mean being stubborn, but reflecting on what matters to you as a person and sticking with it (versus making compromises you might not be entirely comfortable with). So regardless of the outcome, although it sucks for you now, thinking about this is always a good excercise!
Author siris Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 Again I truly thank all of u 4 the various points of view please keep them coming. This really has my head spinning with what is the real reason.
MichiganMan222 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 You still haven't really said what you want. Do you WANT this to be a sign that she wants to try again with you, or are you annoyed by it? I suspect your course of action is different depending on that answer.
Author siris Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Hey 222 Im not really sure what I want. It took a long time 4 me 2 start feeling like I could make it without her. Yes there is some feelings left but not like they used 2 be; because the way I was dumped was so unexpected it happen over the phone while she was out of town very cold the way I was treated. I just truly wonder if that text message was truly about feeding the dog 2 help her out or what. Its just that I know she could have called someone else 2 do this; why me. I would'nt dare ask someone to go back to a place that I kick them out of. As far as what I want; at this point it does not matter but since she has made contact it make me wonder about her more so than be4. I have not heard from her since then so in some way it makes me think that this was just something 4 me to do 4 her again and if thats the case it makes me look like a fool. I do not want to call her because I dont want to make it seem as if Im chasing her but at the same time I would not want to make someone chase me either. Im just seeking an answer to this puzzle. Maybe I should just think it was just to feed the dog but most people I ask think there is something more to this. They tell me that another text message or something is coming. So if possible please send more repies thanks"loveshack"!!!
lofi_tokyo Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Im just seeking an answer to this puzzle. Maybe I should just think it was just to feed the dog but most people I ask think there is something more to this. I'm pretty sure theres more to it than feeding her dog. There absolutely must be, and for that reason, I don't blame you for looking for an answer. As for how you'll find it - I'm not sure! Wait on a text or another sort of contact on her end, as suggested. Most likely, its coming. ;p
Angel1111 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Yep, she'll be back and you'll get an answer as to why she's contacting you. But, you need to be very careful about getting re-involved with someone who behaved in such a heartless manner. This does not bode well about her character and she is capable of doing that to you again.
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