Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 Peace and big hugs to you. Thank you very much for the helpful lengthy post, I see you went through a terrible time with your xH but its good to know the pain does go away after a while. Because of how strong I feel for this MM & also the way he has completely s*** on me & ripped my heart to pieces I know I wont be over this hurt tomorrow or next week. It may take some time, perhaps a long time before Im over him completely. I hope its sooner rather than later though, I want to get back to being that happy go lucky girl I once was asap.
jj33 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Heartbroken you sound so so much better. Am glad to hear it. You are right it doesnt happen overnight. It takes everyone a different amount of time. It took me about 9 months to be back to myself and even now sometimes though it is a year later a wave washes over me and I miss him desparately. Its cold and rainy today. And for some reason I keep thinking how nice it would be if he was coming over tonite.... cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. But I just put that thought out of my head. Going backwards is not an option. Moving forward is the only way to go. Big hugs
LakesideDream Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Hey, once again many thanks for posting on a thread of mine. You are actually one of the people who made me realize that the MM groomed me in a predatory way which I find very disturbing. I just cannot get my head round the fact that he was my 'friend' for over a year - in fact my best buddy, we had so much in common, were very alike in many ways, he did me loads of favours & also helped me through a few problems - and all the while was just planning on how he could get me into bed. I mean thats alot of effort he made for more than a YEAR just to make me his conquest! And there was no guaruntee I would fall for him anyway. But I did big time & I dont know what hes done to me, its like hes brainwashed me or something cos even though I recognize what a game of cat & mouse he played with me I still love him & hes the one I fantasize about. So as well as having deal with the severe hurt & emptiness of him leaving the house we shared in a roommate situation & losing the easy access to him, I have also had to face the fact that he was not genuine, wasnt really my friends & only wanted to use me for sex - not cos he loved me but because he saw me as a conquest & wanted another notch on his belt. He just isnt the person I thought he was which is so hard to deal with as I miss his company, eating dinner together, having a laugh with him and his very helpful advice on the problems I was having at the time. Have also had to cope with him doing a disappearing act & not staying in touch with me post moving out of here. The lies he told as well - really shocking. Could this man actually be potentially dangerous?! You also mentioned in the previous post on another thread of mine that you think he is very frustrated about the fact I have not actually let him penetrate me yet & that he probably wont give up until he has my body completely so I wonder if I aint actually heard the last from him. Its been over 11 weeks NC on his terms, last time I saw him was that morning on his way to work when he tried to have rushed sex with me & I have not attempted to make contact with him for fear of more rejection & further upset - he just left me out in the cold. Wonder if it really is all over, or whether he will try again in the future until he gets his ultimate conquest? He probably thinks Im not worth the trouble anymore he Heartbroken, Sad you aren't doing well. A thought, while your MM is a cad, and bounder, and yes a groomer and user, it's probably harsh and untrue to believe that he only "used you" for sex, or was only interested in you for sex. From your descriptions, there was to much friendship and shared happinesss there for it to be the drive for sex alone. Sex was obviously a powerful motivator, just as obviously it wasn't sex alone. That being said, there is probably no future in a relationship with your MM and your NC seems to be working for you. I know how hurt you are. I've been there... I have felt the pain you feel. Many of us have. It gets better. You learn to get through it. Like me, you may not get over it, but that's all a part of life. Good luck brokenhearted.. you are growing into your big girl panties.
signedin2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Have you considered exposing it to this wife? She deserves to know, so she can make an informed decision as whether to stay married to a cheater, to get checked for STDs, etc. You messed up by getting involved with a married man and you should do the right thing now by telling his wife about it, not because of revenge, but because it is the right thing to do to inform the innocent party in this mess that you helped created.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Heartbroken, Sad you aren't doing well. A thought, while your MM is a cad, and bounder, and yes a groomer and user, it's probably harsh and untrue to believe that he only "used you" for sex, or was only interested in you for sex. From your descriptions, there was to much friendship and shared happinesss there for it to be the drive for sex alone. Sex was obviously a powerful motivator, just as obviously it wasn't sex alone. That being said, there is probably no future in a relationship with your MM and your NC seems to be working for you. I know how hurt you are. I've been there... I have felt the pain you feel. Many of us have. It gets better. You learn to get through it. Like me, you may not get over it, but that's all a part of life. Good luck brokenhearted.. you are growing into your big girl panties. Hi Lakeside thanks for posting! Yeah Im still finding it very hard to come to terms with the heartbreak, never felt this way about anyone. Sex was obviously a powerful motivator, just as obviously it wasn't sex alone. I agree when you say it couldnt have been ALL about getting what he could from me sexually as we were 'friends' for over a year. Although trying to get me into bed was obviously part of his plan for a long time there was a genuine attraction between us & we had loads in common. I guess a friendship like that cant really be faked which is why I find it hard to deal with the fact that hes just abandoned me & s*** on me when I was in severe emotional pain. Friends dont do that. Its actually his company, having dinner together, having a laugh & chatting that I miss most. That being said, there is probably no future in a relationship with your MM and your NC seems to be working for you. Feel there is a massive void in my life now hes disappeared, probably for good. NC was on his terms, he just said he would call & didnt - it has been 3 months NC now & I have not attempted to contact him for fear of the outcome so Ive just left it even though I need closure so badly. I know how hurt you are. I've been there... I have felt the pain you feel. Thank you for understanding. Theres just no pain like it is there? Good luck brokenhearted.. you are growing into your big girl panties Thank you once again for posting on my thread, hope things are going OK for you & really pleased you told her you are living in the area! Best of luck with everything, hope it all turns out just as you hope.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Have you considered exposing it to this wife? She deserves to know, so she can make an informed decision as whether to stay married to a cheater, to get checked for STDs, etc. You messed up by getting involved with a married man and you should do the right thing now by telling his wife about it, not because of revenge, but because it is the right thing to do to inform the innocent party in this mess that you helped created. What good would come of telling his wife? I agree that his wife should know what sort of man shes married to but he is obviously not leaving her, they have 4 kids aged between 4-16 so why upset the apple cart now?! I dont excuse my behaviour & yes he should be made accountable but I will not be confessing to his W, and anyway - with his practised pattern of behaviour when seducing me I doubt Im his first affair so she may already know what hes like. I dont agree with cheating, it is wrong & if a married person does fall in love with someone else they should be honest with the betrayed spouse BEFORE getting involved with the OM/OW. Sadly it doesnt often work that way. From your post I presume you are a betrayed spouse & if so really sorry about that but please be aware Im severely depressed here & did not get involved with MM to hurt anyone, I would never want to hurt his W&K. And for the record I do not have STDs, Im a decent girl who has never slept about & prior to MM had had no sexual contact for over 18 months!
jj33 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 You are right dont tell his W thats not your place. Just get yourself out of the drama. You are doing a great job just move on with your life and try not to look back.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 You are right dont tell his W thats not your place. Just get yourself out of the drama. You are doing a great job just move on with your life and try not to look back. Exactly! I feel she does have a right to know what her H is like but I agree its not my place to tell her, it will just open up a can of worms.
pelicanpreacher Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 And for the record I do not have STDs, Im a decent girl who has never slept about & prior to MM had had no sexual contact for over 18 months! And there's the last piece of your puzzle for why he chose to pursue you instead of someone he could have easily picked up in a bar. The purity of the innocent makes a very tantalizing prospect to the sullied soul!
silent angel Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Oh how I wept when I read this thread. Not just tears of sadness but tears of joy too, not that you are going throught his pain, but that there is someone else out there like me. I could be you, more or less. I dont want to hijack your thread but I'll tell you my story and you will see the similaritites. When I was fifteen I met this guy, he was exciting, (he played in a band), he was a little dangerous (he did drugs and had been in prison), he was 8 years older than me and seemed so grown up. I fell hard and we were in a relationship for six years. It was turbulent but glorious. We fought, we made up, we got drunk. But I was always a little scared. I saw where it was all heading. We finally split when I got pregnant and we fought. I wanted to go to college, he wanted me at home with a baby. So I ran away. I ran away to another country. Slid into depression and it took me six years to get strong enough to come back. And the strange thing was I never saw him when I came back despite him working a few buildings away from me, us having the same friends. For ten years I never saw him. And then my closest friend died and I was broken. He was a musician too and there was a memorial ceremony for him last year. Guess who was there? He held my face in his hands and wiped my tears away with his thumb. He told me I had his heart. So we embarked on an affair. He was married but I didn't care. He told me he loved me, he told me that she was horrible, violent and how unhappy he was. He also told me he would never leave because he loved his kids, she had stated previously that if he cheated she would take them and I accepted that. I was happy with a few hours here and there anyway as at the back of my mind there was still that fear. As much as I love him I was still a little scared. Anyway we carried on for 18 months and then his wife found out and I was dropped like a hot potato. He dumped me by an email. He would not lose his children for me. I understand that. He explained me away as just a flirtation, that it never went anywhere. But what I didn't understand was how someone who told me he loved me could treat me so bad. I fell into free fall. My diet of tranquilisers and vodka failed and I got sick. I've been off work for 6 weeks and struggle to pay my bills. And I'm getting sicker. I trawled his (and hers) Facebooks. They have this picture of a happy family and going about their lives as if nothing happened while I am broken apart. And haunted. On her facebook on the night she found out about us she spent it putting silly comments on her photos about how they are the perfect family and it's all lies. Then I spoke to my friend who is a mental health professional. She gave me a quiz. Is your lover a sociopath? if you answered the questions and got a score of 25 then you were involved with a sociopath. I did the quiz but stopped half way through when my score was at 47! She talked me through it. He didn't come back into my life when I was happy and confident (I had a very successful business before). He came back when I was at my lowest and it is my suspicion he chose that time because he knew I was vulnerable. The relationship if you can call it that was not about us, it was about him. It was about him filling the gaps when his wife went back to work after the kids and left him neglected. And when he no longer need that gap. So what I am trying to say is, no matter how much your self esteem has taken a hit, it is not your fault. Even though your trust in people might be a bit off for a while, you couldn't have prevented it. These men are well aware of what they do and find it very easy to come in and out of your life without thinking about the consequences. because there are no consequences for them, just us sitting broken. Drop me a pm if you want to chat. x
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