smile711 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Well, today marks 50 days of NC with xMM. As many of you know, this past week was the hardest, with me actually putting my hand on the phone to call him. I missed him and the good times we had that much and my fear of the future was (and is) so overwhelming. But with the help of you great people on LS and my family and friends, I made it through. Yesterday was another real test, as I went to a wedding out of state that he and I were supposed to attend togther. I went and met some really great people. He is off doing his own fun stuff this weekend and it was hard to put that out of my mind. I am slowly coming to some realizations about what our R would have been like if things had actually worked out. The 20 year age difference that right now doesn't seem like a big deal would have made a big difference when I was 50 and he was 70. With all his addictions and the way he treats his body, he will not be healthy. I overlooked a lot of things that he did because I was so relieved that he chose to be with me-smoking, drinking daily (drinking just because he had a day off of work!), smoking pot daily. I KNOW that s**t would have gotten old soon and the minute I had a problem with it, there would have been hell to pay. Or may be he would have gone and found someone else who wouldn't have minded. I don't know why I try to fool myself-there would have been trust issues. First, I would always worry that he would leave again because he did it twice. And I would not be able to trust him to be faithful, even if he was. He cheated and lied for his ENTIRE 20 year marriage and even bragged about it occasionally. Serial cheaters do not change just because they meet the "right" person. They have deeper internal issues that they need to deal with and I've realized that I can't "fix" someone like that. I would have been checking cell phone bills, credit card bills, text messages, etc., every month to keep him in line and keep me breathing easier. I don't want to waste that kind of time. The bottom line is, xMM had at least 10 (but probably many more) affairs over 20 years and men like that rarely change. His W is currently dealing with being married to someone she knows lied and cheated and I don't want to be in her spot. His family would have been a big hurdle-probably the biggest. As you know, he left after living with me for 4 months and his family having no contact with him. He said he was not as strong as he thought and that he couldn't be without his family in his life. I can imagine the feelings that they have for me as the OW and I know those feelings would taint their relationship with me should we have ended up together. I would never want to be responsible for xMM losing out on a relationship with his family. So these leftover feelings I have-what about those? The desire that I have to talk to him-what's that about? I think I know. I think it's that he broke off the R, not me. I feel abandoned and rejected and those are truly 2 of the worst feelings to have. I want to talk to him to see if he misses me and maybe I won't feel rejected. I want to know that things are tough for him in a lot of ways even if he acts OK because then I will feel slightly victorious. There is still a part of me that needs him to define my feelings about myself. Logically, I know that he must still think about me. I am not over all of this and I don't have to deal with these feelings and work on a marriage and my relationship with my family like he does. It would just be nice to know that he thinks about me and I wouldn't feel so crazy that I still think about him. Any comments after that spilling of my soul?
norajane Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 The bottom line is, xMM had at least 10 (but probably many more) affairs over 20 years and men like that rarely change. That alone should make you thank the heavens for having gotten out of this! And should make you care not AT ALL whether or what loser MM is thinking about you. I'm sure you do still have unresolved feelings and that's hard. But, you have to do the hard work to get through to the other side. This is it, the hard work. So, acknowledge your feelings and counter them with a reminder of how LUCKY you are not to be tied to a loser like this guy. You are so FREE to find a quality man! Maybe you aren't ready for that now, but you will be, and when you are, you are FREE to enjoy him without all the drawbacks this loser MM offers.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Sounds like you just miss how he made you feel, not him as a person. What he brought into your life, the good stuff - Not the realistic stuff. You're going to be fine, especially after me reading your recent post - YOU, my dear, are on the path of realizing that he is far from perfect, and if you HAD him all for yourself, once the honeymoon phase wore off, you'd be seeing him for who he really is.. It's okay to miss him and what you shared, just don't let that get out of hand. He's a broken man with MANY flaws, both physical and emotional, inside and out. IN the long run you're better off!
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