kit21 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Hello, I never posted on here before, but i have been viewing posts and threads on here fro some time now. I am as you guessed broken up with my ex GF of 3 years. Long story short she was unhappy and we were just having issues that came to our breakup. At first she said she loves me and that its just that it will not work. With help from her friends and family she went through with breaking it off and today she says she guesses she just dont love me anymore and has no feelings anymore. The breakup has been ongoing for 8 months with little communication. I am not with anyone and neither has she. She claimes there is someone out there for her and she is just waiting for it tocome and that person is not me but she wants to stay in my life as a friend. So i have like alot of people on here did all the wrong things to get her back begging, pleading, promises i intended to keep and changes i wanted to make. She could care less saying what do does not effect her life anymore. After all this time i decided to buy the book everyone has said works and is very helpful. I have read the book and i admit it has very good points and makes alot of sense. My only issue is what does this book do if the other person has no feelings or does notlove you anymore???? Will the book work? I honestly feel she loves me but not in a romantic way and it just did not happen i was not the best boyfriend towards the end of the relationship and that was the main reason at first for her to leave. the "i don't love you anymore" i believe came with all the time we were apart and made it easier and she has moved on from this. Can people on here give me some feedback if they used the books tactics did it work even if she/her feel out of love for you??????
Angel1111 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Well, that can be a complicated question. But, basically, yes the tactics can work extremely well. I'm not sure which book you're referring to but I've read the book "Love Tactics" and while there is a lot of truth in it, I can tell you that if I have no feelings for someone, not one trick in that book would work. They say that it often does but I think that has to be taken with a grain of salt. However, if there is any chemistry left, it is WAY easier for a guy to get girl back, than the other way around. The reason is, men like to pursue and women like to be pursued (speaking generally, of course). So, if a woman pursues, then these tactics will backfire on her. However, there are some things that could work. For you, as a guy, women are very much drawn in by a man who gives her a great deal of attention and makes her feel very special. But, again, if she doesn't already respect you, you'll have to get past that hurdle first because it is imperative for a woman that she respect the man she's with. It really depends on the dynamics between the two of you. When I left my husband, I was completely done with him and started dating someone else within a few weeks. But, honestly, if he had tried to get me back through other means - like sending flowers, asking me out and not making me feel guiltly or arguing with me, I can say for sure that he could've gotten me back. Even though I was dating a guy that I fell in love with. I still wanted my marriage back and I wanted my family back (because we had a child). But the way in which he tried to get me back were all the same ways he treated me when we were married - control, guilt, anger. It didn't work AT ALL and al he suceeded in doing was push me further away. If you xgf doesn't trust or respect you, you'll need to start there. If she wants to still be friends with you, you have an excellent opportunity to get her back. But, don't do this if you don't intend to follow through with changed behavior. Because if you don't figure out what broke the two of you up, it'll all happen again and she'll leave you again. The best place to start is to talk to her and fully listen to what she says. Ask her why things deteriorated in your relationship and when she answers you, don't defend yourself at all. Just listen. This will astound her, and it will let her know that she's free to talk to you. This alone can cause a person to fall in love with another - just by being heard and understood. Hope that helps.
Konfuzion Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Hmmm the books can work but like you said you already did 8 months of all the wrong things. I think that might be hard to get past, but anything is possible.
Author kit21 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 The book is called blase harris "how to get your lover back". The thing it talks alot about is that if you mistreated your ex and took her for granted and basically you are to blame for her breaking it off then loving her back is the best option and this book is going to help. The thing is my ex feel out of love for me because i mistreated her and took her for granted so she just didn't fall out of love i am to blame trust me... is that the same thing?? I mean that is why alot of relationships fail and they leave because you mistreated them and took them for granted so wouldn't falling out of love for that person be why they left because of your actions? She didn't wake up one day and say i don't love you anymore it took time of things going wrong for her to feel this way. The question is does she want to work to get it back or see if it will come back???!!!! very confusing.
Angel1111 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 The book is called blase harris "how to get your lover back". The thing it talks alot about is that if you mistreated your ex and took her for granted and basically you are to blame for her breaking it off then loving her back is the best option and this book is going to help. The thing is my ex feel out of love for me because i mistreated her and took her for granted so she just didn't fall out of love i am to blame trust me... is that the same thing?? I mean that is why alot of relationships fail and they leave because you mistreated them and took them for granted so wouldn't falling out of love for that person be why they left because of your actions? She didn't wake up one day and say i don't love you anymore it took time of things going wrong for her to feel this way. The question is does she want to work to get it back or see if it will come back???!!!! very confusing. If you're asking if SHE wants to work it out, then I'd say you're totally on the wrong track. She isn't motivated to make it work so to put that in front of her will probably only annoy her at this point. She may want it but she'll most likely dig her heels in the minute you put it in front of her. You need to stop focusing on getting her to do anything. What you need to focus on is how can you be a loving person toward her. What can YOU do to make her feel understood and cared about? I'm a firm believer in the fact that if two people were ever in love at any point, they probably can be again. But, it they never really were, it'll never work. So, yes, it's possible but you first need to find out what exactly pissed her off to the point that she left and lost her feelings for you. Hear it from her and don't make assumptions. And don't bother telling her that you've suddenly change and that you now realize what you've done. She needs to see it in your actions and that will take time. But you can do it if that's what you really want. If you don't make any attempt to get her back, she will only be more convinced that you never cared to begin with.
Author kit21 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 I agree with you, if 2 poeple were ever in love it can come back.. my only issue is she is already annoyed by me. She basically said she will stay in my life as a friend but the wound is still open and i have to get better and stop trying to convince her i have changed and she also said stop e-mailing her stupid stuff wanting to get a response from her. So to sum this up what do you do when the ex is annoyed by you and has shut contact completly off????? She said she is tired of talking about our relationship and what went wrong and i need to stop saying she never gave me a second chance. I am in a rough spot with her. I want to let some time pass before i try again but i am at the point were i feel i should give up and move on as she has said to do, but i love her with all my heart and i am the reason she feels nothing for me. How much time do i let go by if thats what i decide to do??? How do i intiate contact again?????
Author kit21 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 You seem to have good understanding on tough situations. My question to you is what do you do when the other person does not respond to you, and / or they act like they don't care and they have said they feel nothing for you and want you to move on so they can as well??? I mean what do you do. the book says to love them 100% and only try if you truly love this person. The book also says if she denies you to give it some time and try again maybe with small gifts or cards on holidays to interact with her. I am stuck here... part of me wants to go NC for awhile and the other part wants me to go NC until she contacts me but that could be never. I love her and i am the reason for her to lose the feelings and love for me. What can i do as of now i must wait to contact her like i said she is annoyed with the whole situation and does not want to hear or tal about it again as she put it. The reason is i kept bringing the fact up that i want another chance and i have changed and she is tired of hearing that. What do i do your advice is important to me.
Author kit21 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 The book says to elite her with small gifts or cards for holidays. Its been 8 months i have tried everything to win her back also with gifts. So my problem is do i contine to give small gifts/cards and do that for while or do i do what she wants me to do move on???? Thanksgiving is coming up and christmas. The last time we saw and talked was 2 weeks ago and i told her i was talking to a girl but nothing serious because i wanted her and loved her. She replied that she is happy for me to find somone and i need to move on from her because she is not coming back to me. I don't want to send her things and it annoy her more. I mean all this time i never stopped trying to win her back. The longest i went without contacting her was 5 weeks. So she does not miss me or us and i think its because i have not disapeared from her life yet and i really think i need to completly but then i want to send her things like a thanksgiving card or christmas card but nto sure what to do here... any suggestions. On the other hand i remember a post from somone on here that made alot fo sense i wanted to post it here ......................................................... Theres this old saying "How can I miss you if you won't go away?". Go no contact, cut her out for as long as it takes. No checking in on her, not once! No cheating on no contact or else she can't miss you. You cannot make someone love you again, especially if they have decided to move on. The best thing you can do, the very best, is give them space. Let them do what they want. If you cling to them or try with them, you won't accomplish much except annoying them. You may think talking to your ex about just happy things will win them over, but it wont. Just leave them alone. If you read these forums, there are a large amount of posts about dumpee's getting a call a year or so later from their ex, in which case their ex seems to be half wanting them back. Generally the dumpee's in these situations have moved on though! Its funny, I think and ex only really comes back once you've moved on. I firmly believe that. So as backwards as it sounds - let go of all hope. Live your life, become happy and sexy and confident again. They'll come back someday, but the fact is, by then you probably wont want them anymore.
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