Just realised the full extent of what ive done?

[layercakegal]

Im an awful awful person

 

My best friend's sister killed herself about 2 weeks ago, i didnt know her that well at all, as much as you know you're friends family when u go round to theirs for tea. I say my best friend, but we havent really seen each other for the past few years as he has loads of other friends and we've just grown apart, we're 20 and at uni now, and hes just tended to not bother with me.

 

I had bought tickets for a concert nearly a year ago, and it ended up that the funeral and the concert were on the same day, and there was no way that i could get to both.

 

I chose to go to the concert, not wanting to waste ticket money, hotel money, whatever else thinking that the funeral was a family thing and not understanding that he had invited all of his many friends to be there, and at the same time thinking he would have all the support he needed.

 

My friend asked me to go to the funeral, said he understood if couldnt (it involved travelling for nearly 3 hours) and i tried everything to be there for him, even tho i cudnt go to the funeral. He didnt want to know.

 

Now im being hated for not going, by everyone i know, because he really needed everyone there and i wasnt there for him, and reading everyones messages on things like myspace, saying how amazing and brave he was, has just got to me, and all i want is to turn back time and go to the funeral.

 

I thought i was in the right, and now its just dawned on me that when my friend really needed me, i wasnt there for him, however many other people were it doesnt matter.

 

Ive done the worst thing possible, and i cant blame anyone if they dont want anything to do with me, especially not my friend.

 

I guess i want everyone to reassure me, my friends that dont know him have all said they would have done what i did, but im still not sure.

 

I feel so sick

[Geishawhelk]

OK.

I think you were wrong to chose the concert, whatever type of funeral it is, because it's not about the dead, it's about the living.

But you are obviously genuinely sorry.

I would suggest you write a short apologetic note to your good friend, making him realise how bad it made him feel.

Don't go overboard about the concert, but explain that originally you had understood it to be a family affair, and you hadn't wanted to intrude.

 

keep it short, polite and apologetic.

And then, let him make the next move.

or not.

It's up to him.

Don't expect a prodigal open-armed welcome, because it may not come.

But apologise.

Just do the right thing.

[vintagecat]

Your friendship might not survive this event but I agree with geisha, make an apology because it's the right thing to do without expectations.

 

You rationalized your way to going to the concert with the following: 1) That you didn't know the deceased well, 2) That you haven't been in close contact with this friend recently, that he has not "bothered with you" lately 3) That you thought it might be a "family affair" even though everyone else apparently got the word that they were wanted at the funeral, 4) That your friend didn't need your support as he "had all the support he needed" 5) That there was the expense and anticipation of the concert to be concerned about. 6) That you tried everything to be there for him, without actually going to the funeral, a very puzzling assertion to me.

 

I would suggest that you not use any of these rationalizations no matter how true they may hold for you in your apology to this friend. It would be as transparent as "The dog ate my homework." It would not be well received and would be resented. You simply, for a number of reasons that are unimportant now, made the wrong choice, you regret having made that choice on hindsight and are truly sorry that you let your friend down during a time when he needed the support of his friends. You are sincerely sorry, end of story.

 

I suggest also that a part of the distress for you now seems to be how everyone else has responded to your absence. You regret at least in some part that you are being chastised publicly for your choices. It's a natural reaction. I think from the standpoint of honesty, at least with yourself, you need to decide how much of your regrets are that you are sorry for your actions and how they affected your friend and how much of it is that you are sorry for the subsequent censure. You need not share that with anyone but internal honesty and the habit of it helps prevent one from making the kinds of error in judgement that you made regarding this funeral.

 

This too shall pass. You have learned a valuable lesson about self delusion and rationalizations. The phrase "The pathway to hell is paved with good intentions." specifically addresses that to want to do right and actually doing the right thing are two different things with two different outcomes.

 

I'm sure you think I'm being hard on you but I fully understand that you were being human. You took the path of least resistance and it came home to roost. Attempt to make it right with this friend. Do not involve or try to justify yourself to anyone else (it's not their business) and learn the lesson. Best of luck to you.