padparadscha Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Hello! THIS WILL BE A LONG POST BECAUSE I NEED THAT MUCH ADVICE. My question is how do I move on and how does he move on? I tried staying away and I have been successful—although miserable and terribly lonely. He is not trying to stay away, but when I let him back in, he is not trying to win my heart back only my friendship. I cant give him my friendship because I am suffering knowing he is with another woman and not me. I cant be his friend. Here’s the story… I have a bit of an odd situation and I need some advice. I was dating a man for nearly 6 years. A bit under, but lets round it up to six. ABOUT ME AT THE TIME WE MET: 1. I was low in my self-confidence. I had been for most of my life. Now, after years together with this man, I am very high on the self esteem ladder. 2. I was afraid of intimacy and getting close to someone. Now after years together, I am not afraid to get into a relationship, I long for a more committed one. 3. I come from money and I tend to love my life style. 4. I have no children and never wanted any 5. I told him we were just friends because I was afraid to let my real feelings show. I told him to date others and to …I even told him I was looking for Mr. Right and one day soon we would have to stop dating. All things said out of my fear of rejection and intimacy. 6. I live with my parents because I don’t want to live alone and I like the comfort of home. ABOUT HIM AT THE TIME WE MET: 1. He was a phone buddy who became like a crutch to me during hard times. However the conversations moved me so much I longed to meet him. Several months later we met. 2. He has low confidence, but he does not show it. He is very strong appearing on the outside. 3. He does not come from money and infact has dept. 4. He has children by other women and does not have custody of them. 5. He felt like the answers to my prayers despite any difficulties we encountered, because I grew to love him for all him, including his struggles 6. He lived with his parents because of his dept and need for a place. Long story short, we hung out and did many things together. I felt we changed each other for the best. I thought we had a love so strong it would never die. Long story short is by not telling him I loved him and by not admitting he was my boyfriend and assuming he knew, I lost him. I found out he had been cheating on me with another woman for 2 months. I was his by day and she was his by night. He was holding two relationships. I tried desperately to correct this when I learned about it . I tried to undo all the damage I did. I tried to heal us and bring us back to the relationship I thought we had. He pretended we had a chance….but I later learned for all my effort and all the times we made love to repair the pain, he was still lying, for he had moved in with her. This was not going on for 2 months, but 2 years. I was so crushed I changed my phone number and moved to a new hotel (My home was damaged around this time and I am living in a hotel and have been for months). He found me several weeks later. The sight of him made me desperate again to repair us. He and I were at it again, but yet he was still with her. Long story short, I wound up changing my new phone number again and I ran away. Now after 1.5 weeks I find a letter under my hotel door asking me to contact him. I shortened this sooooo much. I can only say that he made it clear he did not want me. He wanted two women, but I was becoming his whore. He was coming just to have some for a moment and then run to her. He formed his relationship with her now. So that is why I gave up and moved on. Now in all of this I cant express to you the hurt and the pain and the lonliness and fear within me. God I was in a car accident and lost my home and I have been in pain emotionally and physically. I couldn’t bare any more mind games. This is the email I sent him-----yet he still left a note under my door 8 days later asking me to call him: MIND YOU I TOOK OUR NAMES OUT….
Author padparadscha Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Dear Nameless man: I had love and I lost love. I am the worst for having lost such a great treasure. I will never ever stop loving you. HOWEVER, IF YOU LOVE ME, DON’T RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL. DON’T CALL ME! DON’T FIND ME. LET ME GO. SERIOUSLY, IF YOU CARE FOR ME AT ALL THEN REMOVE ALL HOPE FROM MY PATH AND LET ME GO! I can’t do this with you. I THINK YOU BELIEVE I WANT ONLY SEX FROM YOU. I want your love. I want your heart. I want your time. I want what was mine to return, because I love you. It is too hard the anticipation and the fear and the loneliness and the wishing and wanting and…It is too hard Nameless man. My world truly has come crashing down and it is my fault. I should not have allowed you to come back into my life. It is too soon and too hard. I am not in charge of my own brain WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER NAMELESS MAN... I feel powerless as it buzzes away, because each moment I share with you by phone, email or in bed, I am preying you will want us back. Your holding all the cards for our future together. Not me, because I am ready to say let’s do this. You are the one with the power and you and you alone can give us a life of happiness or a life of chaos. You and only you because I am there ready to commit to you and to us and to our future. Therefore, what you say might set me back to square one. To be honest it already has because the pain is fresh and the tears are fresh and the wound never closed and never healed. It seems wider and more open. It is as if you are hurting me the same as you did when you first told me your not in love with me and you are seeing someone else. It makes no difference whether you make love to me or not. I think the few hours of hope and pleasure that might occur, will never again be worth the days of pain that will follow. Because when I lay with you I lay with you in true love and true need and true desire for your affection. I do not lay with you simply to lay with you. I personally have always thought staying in limbo is worst that hitting rock bottom. At least when you hit rock bottom there is no where to go but up. Being in limbo forever is hard and prevents me and you from getting on with my life and yours. THEREFORE, PLEASE DON’T RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL. LET ME GREIVE. LET ME CRUMBLE. LET ME FALL AND BREAK AND HURT UNTIL I HEAL. DON’T CONTACT ME. LET ME DIE MY DEATH AND KILL MY HOPES OF ANYTHING SPECIAL WITH YOU. Your gone and I am holding onto a man who really wants me to let him go. Your not into me, so let me let you go. Let me give you your freedom. I may never be able to be friends with you… I don’t think it’s possible to be friends with someone your in love with. I don’t think it is possible to ever really look at someone you wish loved you no matter how much time and hurt has passed and not wish to God you could do it right this time around. I think it is an impossible task and I cant imagine me ever running into you not wishing and hoping that you missed me and you want to do right by me and be the man of my life. I think it is impossible to look into the eyes of a man who hurt you and hate him if you love him. Just as it is impossible to look in those same eyes and not wish you could…No, I don’t see how I can do this. I want you and only you. I want your heart and your time and your …I am in over my head. I am in love with a man who pretended to love me, but never truly loved me. I am head over heals for a man who I thought was mine, but was only lying when he said he was. I am in love with a man who can’t even remember all the times he made me feel I was all he wanted and he had no time for other women. I am doing myself a true disservice and you a true disservice by remaining in your life. I wont watch you torture yourself. No, I am giving you back your freedom and your sanity. I am removing my pain from your life and keeping my pain to myself. It is my burden and my loss and my misfortune and you should not have to tolerate my agony. I love you and nothing would please me more than to be with you now and always, but I have to admit that I want a future with you and I want you and me to be together for a life time. Since that is impossible, I need to cut my losses and realize I will never hold your heart.
Author padparadscha Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 I thought with you I had something real and honest and worth all the effort in the world. I even thought when you strayed it was because you were confused and doubted my love. Now, I know that you are not my hero and never were. I love you Nameless man and I don’t now how to do this life without you. Yet the sad part is before you there was a life for me. Before you entered I had a life. Yet that life was never half as wonderful until I met you. I feel like I never really knew what it was to be in love until I met you. Sadly, for all your acting you gave a grand performance because you the best man I ever met and ever was with. I was so grateful for the love I though you shared with me. I love you. I am in love with you. Yet I know my love is killing you. I know that my love is affecting you and not in a positive way. So therefore I must say goodbye and give you my grandest blessing. I must say goodbye and give you my greatest wish for peace and love. This time let me go Nameless man. Let it hurt me until I cant bare the tears no more. Let me grieve. Let me mourn. If I mourn for a year or two years. If I cry each day and night. Let me be tortured. Let me suffer. Because it is more painful having you here, but not being able to be with you. More painful knowing I don’t have the best of you. Knowing that the part of you I love the most is never coming back to me. You may give me your body and your pity, but never again your time….never again your protection, your warmth, your devotion. So let me go and please be happy. When I mourn and I am in pain, don’t cry for me. Don’t reach out for me. Just tell yourself that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all and consider me dead. For I am dead inside. I am walking dead for my heart has been destroyed. My heart was murdered, so I am walking dead. Don’t touch me, don’t call me, don’t reach out, because you know in my misery I will want company. Your alive and happy, don’t let my remains pull you under. Go and live life to the fullest!!! Be happy and be alive. Never be like me. I am like the widow. Yet I cry for a love that was the only love I ever knew and the only love that ever filled me so completely I felt alive. I don’t know how to be without you, but I am already without you. I am alone even with you in my life. I am on my own even with you knocking on my hotel door. Your not mine, and it’s clear to me that you never were. So please be happy and go about your life! Don’t respond to this email. I know you care for me. I know how you feel. It wont change anything. Your choice is not to be mine. Your choice is not to form a relationship with me. So please don’t contact me. Contact puts hope in my heart. I saved all your emails. That’s called hoping and wishing. It is not right. It is being in limbo. Don’t contact me to apologize. I know how you feel! Just let it go. Let me go! Just let this pain take over my body and consume me. Let me wish to God that I were loveable and someone thought me special. Let me wonder why I am so unlovable. Let me figure out why I lost you. Let me go. I am not worth your time. Let me go! I am not worth much to you. Let me go. No letters, no emails, just abrupt disconnection forever. We cant friends because I have no idea how long I will be in love with a man who never loved me. I have no idea how many months or years it takes to ACCEPT THE LOSS OF A HERO. You were and are my hero! I must now accept there is and never was a cloud nine. It was all in my head. All I felt was one sided and I must live with that. So no emails to say your sorry, or something hurtful. Let me go and know I will probably never get over you. Never. Never will I ever understand what happened between us or why it had to happen.
Author padparadscha Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Trust me you don’t need to respond to this email. I already know your words. You will only say what you did September 7, 2008: My name, This is the reason why us meeting will not work right now. When I finally get a chance to say something, I am saying something awful or something to hurt or destroy you. And that’s not true at all. So I am taking a step back right now. I am going to give you time to heal. I hope we'll be able to become friends again. I am sorry for lying to you and making you hurt. I am so sorry and you'll never understand how much and why. I pray that you find strength again My name. You are a very beautiful woman and very intelligent. Don’t let me stop your journey. I am the one who's losing out not you. So try to be strong My name. I know I shouldn’t be telling you that , but I am. I love you My name, so I am backing up again so you can become strong again. Love You Forever Nameless man Or what you said September 14, 2008: Nameless man Mann wrote: I don’t know what to say anymore My name. I think about you everyday. Its school time again, and it feels funny not to receive any morning calls. It feels funny not meeting you after work. It just doesn’t seem right. Yet, I put myself in this situation and I don’t know how. I thought I knew why, but I don’t. Listen My name, we deserve a chance of seeing each other again. I don’t want to call it a goodbye meeting, but a way to see what can be done so that we don’t lose each other forever. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering how you are doing. I put myself in your shoes and yes...I do know how you feel and it bothers me so much. You might not believe me but it does. I never pretended to be in love My name. The way I was with you was true. I was a true friend to you and I cared a great deal for you. I was physically attracted to you as a friend, so making love to you was no problem. I might have been snappy with you out of frustration because I was torn between hurting you and other things. And also, I felt like I couldn’t talk to you, because anything that I said, would hurt you. So there for you wouldn’t let me talk because you were afraid that I might say something that you didn’t like. So I would get frustrated and be forced to talk louder to you. Then you would say that Imp yelling at you and that’s where we would lose control and then argue to a point where things got out of hand. Like right now, I don’t want to say the wrong thing to you. I did get your note today by the way........I don’t know how to answer that question because I feel like I am the same Nameless man Jackson that you met. Things have just changed a bit. Look at August 28th: My name, As I read your letter, my eyes are filled with tears that I cant help from flowing. I don’t know how to make of this situation, and I am not sure how it got to this point. All I know is that I realize that I love and care a great deal for you. All I can do is pray right now that god gives us both comfort. And ask him to take away the pain. I am so sorry that I cause you pain. I cant sleep at night at times thinking about you.....I cant type no more....sorry. Ill call you in your room later on. Or even earlier back: August 26th: My name, I don’t understand why you would think, that since me and you have not talked in a couple of days that I could just turn my back to you. You are still in my mind, and I am sorry for what went down. I am not mad at you and I will never ever be. I wish there was a way that this situation could work out. I don’t know how to contact you so give me a call and lets talk like 2 mature adults tomorrow. Nameless man You see Nameless man months have passed by and the chemistry and the passion and the fire is there, but the love is not honest and the love is not nurtured. It’s just chemistry and fire and pain. Lots of pain. Months of pain and loneliness mixed with passion unfed. It’s time to break away. You don’t want us or me and I think it’s time to face the fact your playing a painful game that I cant play any longer. I want a monogamous relationship. A healthy happy one with you. You want chaos and heartache. I cant handle that. I am too good for that.
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