Kim666 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I wanted to say that although I have said alot on this board and I have read all of the comments and suggestions posted to my threads and I am grateful for the feedback, I want to share something else. Although I have told part of my story, I never went into the full thing and somethings I cannot bare to say outloud or even write down for it would kill me inside and humilate me further. What I have done is something that was recommended to me by a doctor..I am posting that letter here in the hopes that some of those people who have left me feedback will understand a little more...I have for obvious reasons left out names. I want to thank all of those who will read it all the way thru... Dear A while ago I was advised to write you a letter so that I could finally break all ties with you, emotional, mental, etc. They say you cannot move on when you have unresolved issues brewing in your head and heart. This letter is not to show your bad qualites but to show that you had as much part in the breakup of our marriage as did I. You may never see this letter but really when it comes down to it this letter is not for you it is for me, to be free and prehaps even happy and to be able to move on with my life, so here goes nothing. You were then and still are to a certain extent a verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually abusive man. Whether you wish to agree or not is not the point it is fact and there are facts to back it up. The sexual and physical abuse that was heaped upon me was bad but the emotional and mental cruelty was far worse then most people can ever imagine..there was not one day that went by that I was not told how worthless I was, if I were to repeat it in writing I don't think many people would believe it. When friends I was talking on the phone, called the police because they can hear you screaming at me full blast for some minor incident and they become scared for me, not to mention the horror they heard and felt when they heard what you were saying to me and why you were saying or the pain I would see in their eyes the next day after another bruise appeared, the lack of sleep in my eyes and the sadness and depression that came with those almost daily eposides. When I had to lock myself in the bathroom numerous times, with the water running and my ears plugged and could still hear your yelling at me for something you assumed I had done wrong, was horrific and disturbing to say the least. You constantly berated me, telling me how stupid, useless and what a waste of time I was among other things that even I do not wish to air publicly as they will make me look foolish more so then you. The constantly phone calls at work berating me for something you thought I had done that could be heard thru the office. When you can be heard yelling at me 3 stories down from our apartment, you know there is a problem, You kept me from friends because you did not like their opinions of you or you just did not like the fact that they were telling me to leave you. You constantly told me my medical problems were fake and I was making them up after numerous doctors told you otherwise. Even when I gave you papers on the subjects you refused to read them saying you were not interested in learning anything or how to cope with my problems. You insisted I do things I did not wish to do but did because it was easier then the fight that would happen if I did not do as you asked and I suffered the consequences for it. You went around telling the strippers you worked with my private medical and other information which I trusted you with. Your family never liked me and that is fine but to sit there while they called me down in front of me and you and you not say a word is humilating to me. When I looked to you for support of any kind you told me I was an emotional leech and you had zero sympathy for me. Probably one of our biggest problems was you and my best friend. You hated her and she hated you. She was my best friend and told and saw things for how they were. And for that you berated her and made sure to keep me away from her as much as possible. She may not be perfect but she saw you for what you were. But I think the biggest slaps in the face for me were when 1. I was rushed to the hospital and you were called. Your response to my being in the hospital was you were at work, what did they want you to do about it. 2. When you told me to my face that I was an embrassment and humilation to be seen with and you cannot believe you had lowered yourself to marry me. 3. After Jane was hurt and was in the rehab center and I had to go off my medication and could not handle visiting her, you made sure to remind me constanty that I obvious was not her friend and did not give a **** about her, when you knew nothing was further from the truth. Not to say I am without my problems and I freely admit my part in the break up of our marriage. I can honestly say with my medical and mental problems I am a hard person to live with and get along with. I can honestly say I am and can be a nag. I can be vicious when provoked especially about my son, which you did a lot, calling him everything but a person and putting my family down. I let you talk me into things of my own free will thinking you were my last chance at happiness. I watched you walked away more times then even I care to admit and I still let you back in my life. I let you do things to me that no one should ever have to suffer and to be honest it is my fault, I had the power to say no, but didn't for fear of losing you, or the consequences that would ensue. I let people in my life go to make you happy, friends, among others, because you did not like their views...my mistake. I am a clean fantic and I played mommy to you for along time. I let you walk all over me for 3 years and still married you knowing how you were of my own free will. I am and probably always be a little more needy then some women, the insecurity I feel is from years of various things. I defended you of my own freewill to everyone and anyone who said a bad word about you, friends, family, co-workers, etc, even after the punch in the face that caused my black eye and broken cheek bone, lying to people telling them it was from surgery. Even when we were seperated I stayed in touch with you and helped you thru various crisis only to be told later I was useless with my information. I am a lot of things mean, vicious, cruel at times, a horrible mother at times, a terrible friend and probably a rotten daughter, but no matter what I always took care of you, supported you in what you wanted to do and did my best to be what you wanted me to be. I did start to fight back but at that point it was too late and you made sure to point out that I was the one at fault various times and I agreed to avoid another agrument. There are a lot of things I regret, two people who helped me leave you and tried to help me move on are no longer my friends. Why? Mostly my fault I am sure, but in my defence I have a very hard time taking critism on a regular basis. Not their fault they were just trying to help. I regret letting you talk down to my family and more importantly my son. It is my fault that happened and I never should have let it happen, but I did and I take full responsibility for it and I hope to God I can make it up to him one day and that he will forgive me. I regret that you cut me off from so many important people in my life, that I can no longer commnicate with due to damage caused. I think my biggest regret is not realizing sooner and letting someone else make the decision for me to move on and away from you. Now I have to be what I want to be and for the very first time in a long time I realize what I want is happiness and peace. Not just peace of mind but peace from all the crap that goes along with being your wife and battering post. Peace where I can find someone who will not constantly put me down and who will care for me no matter what I am or am not to them, not their mother, maid, etc, but an equal. Happiness in knowing that someone cares for me for me and not for what I can give them. Someone who will show compassion and listen to me instead of speak at me and tell me I am wrong all the time. Someone who will let me be me. I realize now that I am worth something maybe not a lot but something to someone out there, my son for one. Maybe someday soon I will be able to hold my head up high again and stand on my own two feet and I think this is a good way to start. I may have few friends left in this world but you know what there is always time to make new ones and if the old ones wish to keep their distance I completely and totally understand. In closing this I want you to know that regardless of everything I do not blame you for everything, I know what I am and can be and what my role was. What I do want you to know is that you do now and always will have a piece of my heart that unfortunatly I will never get back. I loved you for a long time before I started to hate you and I wish you no ill will. What I do wish for you is that one day you will realize that no matter what words and actions do hurt and maim people and cause great damage. I know I am damaged goods now, but in the long run I would rather be damaged goods then a piece of property for you to order around and make me feel like less of a person.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 God, I wanna shove a hotpoker from the fireplace up his @ss! That's a heartfelt and emotional letter.. Better for you to vent this out than ever give it to him because he won't "get" it...And he won't care because he's a sick man in so many ways.
Author Kim666 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 God, I wanna shove a hotpoker from the fireplace up his @ss! That's a heartfelt and emotional letter.. Better for you to vent this out than ever give it to him because he won't "get" it...And he won't care because he's a sick man in so many ways. I think in some ways this letter was the best therapy I ever had..it let me say things that like you said he would never "get". There are still so many things I cannot bring myself to say or even write as they are too painful but more so humilating as I let them happen. Maybe in some ways this letter will explain to those people who have left me some negative feedback a little look at what my life was like and why I do and say some of the things that I do. More then anything though it cleared a path for me to start healing in a small way.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 It's true. I saw a CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapist) for afew years as I had an anxiety disorder... Talk therapy is AMAZING! Anyway, some issues from the past came up, and one thing I had to do was write my mom a letter.. She never saw it but man, did it feel wonderful writing it!! Like a huge weight was lifted on my shoulders! Keep writing, it's good for your soul and will help your recovery..
CherishG Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 that letter was very touching... I am literally crying my head off right now. I have been contemplating writing a letter to my ex, the father of my almost 2yr old baby, and it's soo hard trying to find the right words. I know in my heart that my letter probably shouldn't be given to him, but your letter was truly an inspiration, and I'm truly sorry what happened to you. I guess all of us on this board are going thru almost the same pain, just different stories. I only hope and pray that you will have your days of happiness soon in the future, and that you find peace. I will definitely pray an extra prayer for you.
Lizzie60 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 WOW.. I'm glad you got your self-respect back.. what a azzhole he was. Take care of yourself and NEVER EVER let a scumbag abuse you! Now it's all about you.. enjoy your life and never let anyone dictate how you should live it.. you now know what's best for you.. go for it!
ninjaturtles Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I am so so sorry you went through all those horrible things.Wow... Have you sent the letter? How are you going to send it? Via email? Never ever look back, you will move on and you will do fine!! Goodluck.xxxx
Author Kim666 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Thank you all for you kind words...it was an extremely difficult letter to write because it made me realize what I had let him do to me in all those years...it was partially my fault for allowing him to belittle me. I have no intentions of sending the letter, he would not understand it since as he sees it everything that happened I deserved since I was a white trash moronic use of air to quote him. I have moved on to a certain extent personally I don't know if I will ever recover fully....I was forced out of the situation by 2 friends 2 years ago and I am still not fully recovered. I can say if they had not forced me to move I would more then likely still be there enduring. My next steps are to remember what it is to trust again.
EmperorR Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Hm i'm going to write a letter ot maybe it will help.
Recommended Posts