SUNSHINETHRUPAIN73 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 These are just questions: 1. Do you think the OM/OW plan to destroy another person's marriage? 2. We as the MM/MW are obviously missing something and going elsewhere to seek, yes or no? 3. We are all people, who at times make mistake, sometimes it cost us. Are we guilty for wanting to be love, married or not? Some of us don't deserve to be married and this is true, but we don't know until we go through something. The judgment that is passed here is sometimes so harsh, that it could cause you to second guess if this is worth the try. I came here looking for understand and better insight, but I feel so attacked on top of all the guilt and other feelings that I have going on. I don't need sympathy just direction in making choices. No we are not children, just wades of clay that are shaped and molded by this world. Beguiled may we be by our situations, but living the live that we have chose. So if this judgment is passed on us so easily, the same harsh judgment shall be one day be passed down to you. Even if you don't cheat, the judgment will come to you one day.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 1. Only if they know what they're getting into. If you fall in love and don't know they're married, then there's no fault. But if you fall in love knowing they're married, and hope that they leave the spouse for you, then yes, the OM/OW is trying to destroy someone's marriage: their lovers! lol. 2. MM/MW who cheat aren't smart enough to find what they need at home. And they're too weak to admit it. 3. We all want to be loved, don't we? Some people just define it differently.
Lizzie60 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 1. I don't think so.. I think most OM/OW will patiently wait for the MM/MW to make their move.. In my case, I don't even want them to leave their partner.. Family is too important IMO.. Kids need both parents.. 2. Hum.. this is a hard one.. I would say that for most MM.. sex is the no. 1 reason why they cheat. 3. No.. not at all.. life is too short..
anne1707 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 1. I think some may try to destroy. My ex-OM carried on pushing me to leave my H even after we split and then once I told my H, he dropped me. Even now 3 months on whilst I am trying to make my marriage work and he knows this and also says he does not want me when confronted, the ex OM will say/do things to me - tease, flirt etc. 2. What I was looking for was already at home and I was too stupid/blinded to see it. 3. There is nothing wrong with wanting to love and be loved. And we ALL make mistakes. But admitting to them and trying to make amends or prevent those mistakes escalating is real love.
jwi71 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 1. Do you think the OM/OW plan to destroy another person's marriage? Each circumstance is different but I would be surprised if even a small number of A's start this way. 2. We as the MM/MW are obviously missing something and going elsewhere to seek, yes or no? Yes. Most of all courage...the courage to speak of the issues, to talk to their spouse or seek counseling. 3. We are all people, who at times make mistake, sometimes it cost us. Are we guilty for wanting to be love, married or not? Agreed. File for divorce and least be able to hold your head up and not be labeled with a scarlet letter. Some of us don't deserve to be married and this is true, but we don't know until we go through something. Then get a divorce and find a new man or woman. Avoid the affair. Its called maturity.
Al_Bundy Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 These are just questions: 1. Do you think the OM/OW plan to destroy another person's marriage? No, but I think most of them could give a hoot if that is the outcome just so long as they get what they want. 2. We as the MM/MW are obviously missing something and going elsewhere to seek, yes or no? don't know, why don't you tell us. I hear justification coming around the corner. 3. We are all people, who at times make mistake, sometimes it cost us. Are we guilty for wanting to be love, married or not? Cheating is not a mistake. If you want love, and your W/H isn't giving it to you, talk to them, and if they refuse to step up to the plate, divorce them. Some of us don't deserve to be married and this is true, but we don't know until we go through something. The judgment that is passed here is sometimes so harsh, that it could cause you to second guess if this is worth the try. I came here looking for understand and better insight, but I feel so attacked on top of all the guilt and other feelings that I have going on. What "guilt" is it that you feel? I don't need sympathy just direction in making choices. No we are not children, just wades of clay that are shaped and molded by this world. Beguiled may we be by our situations, but living the live that we have chose. So if this judgment is passed on us so easily, the same harsh judgment shall be one day be passed down to you. Even if you don't cheat, the judgment will come to you one day. you want direction in making choices? Ok. Forgive me, I don't know if you are a MW or MM, but if you are in an affair and don't plan to stop, then just set your partner free and get a divorce.
Geishawhelk Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 1. Do you think the OM/OW plan to destroy another person's marriage? No. They just want to have some excitement, and rarely think about the marriage.... Out of sight, out of mind. let's just have a ball...! 2. We as the MM/MW are obviously missing something and going elsewhere to seek, yes or no? Oh undoubtedly. It's called "taking the easy way out." Much easier to have a fling with someone else, and ruin 4 lives, rather than make an effort with your own spouse, try to resolve the problems, come to a mature decision, and work it out whichever way between you.... 3. We are all people, who at times make mistake, sometimes it cost us. Are we guilty for wanting to be love, married or not? No, we're not guilty of wanting love. But we're sure as hell guilty if we steal somebody else's.... Some of us don't deserve to be married and this is true, but we don't know until we go through something. The judgment that is passed here is sometimes so harsh, that it could cause you to second guess if this is worth the try. I came here looking for understand and better insight, but I feel so attacked on top of all the guilt and other feelings that I have going on. Well, you know, you're also talking to people who have been cheated on, dumped form a great height, and who have had their relationships ruined by OM/OW.... In that position, whatddya expect? I don't need sympathy just direction in making choices. No we are not children, just wades of clay that are shaped and molded by this world. Beguiled may we be by our situations, but living the live that we have chose. So if this judgment is passed on us so easily, the same harsh judgment shall be one day be passed down to you. Even if you don't cheat, the judgment will come to you one day. Yes, but I'm happier to be judged on having lived a life kindly, than to be judged in the way you're living yours. But then, I'm not a Christian, so I guess you're getting it all right here..... huh?
Reggie Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Here's my take: "Judgemental" and "Bitter" are words that are bandied about on this site and sites like it as if they are rally bad things. On judgement, everyone must live their life by making judgements. Our values and our judgements are what guide us through life. One should make no bones about being willing to judge the actions of others as distinguished from judging the person. In our society, we judge behaviors everyday. Our entire criminal justice system is based on judging the cations of others. As far as being bitter, of course someone who has been through this will feel some bitterness. There seems to be an unrealistic expectation that we are all like Ghandi or Mother Theresa. There is nothing wrong wioth feeling bitter about what has been done to one in this situation. Eventually, it lessens and you move on. But, no average, normal person will expierience this and not feel bitter/
Owl Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 These are just questions: 1. Do you think the OM/OW plan to destroy another person's marriage? 2. We as the MM/MW are obviously missing something and going elsewhere to seek, yes or no? 3. We are all people, who at times make mistake, sometimes it cost us. Are we guilty for wanting to be love, married or not? Some of us don't deserve to be married and this is true, but we don't know until we go through something. The judgment that is passed here is sometimes so harsh, that it could cause you to second guess if this is worth the try. I came here looking for understand and better insight, but I feel so attacked on top of all the guilt and other feelings that I have going on. I don't need sympathy just direction in making choices. No we are not children, just wades of clay that are shaped and molded by this world. Beguiled may we be by our situations, but living the live that we have chose. So if this judgment is passed on us so easily, the same harsh judgment shall be one day be passed down to you. Even if you don't cheat, the judgment will come to you one day. 1. I don't think that they START the relationship by actively seeking to "destroy another person's marriage". I do think that this does indeed become a goal as the affair progresses. Its not that they want to destroy anything...but...they can't "be with" the MM/MW in the fashion that they want to without doing so. 2. Yes, the MM/MW are obviously missing something. Whether or not that something missing is something in the marriage, or something within themselves is the real question here more than anything else. Often its not that something is lacking IN THE MARRIAGE...the lack is within the wayward spouse themselves. 3. Hmmm...tough one to answer. It depends on how you define "in love". If you want the whole butterflies things...then the REAL issue that you are guilty of is that you don't understand the several stages of love in a long term relationship. But regardless...what you're 'guilty' of is violating the vows that you agreed to at the beginning of your marriage. Even moreso, you're guilty of violating the TRUST your spouse had in you. Its the lies that typically hurt the BS the most. Had you simply ended the marriage when you decided you weren't happy, rather than lie and seek it in someone else while still claiming to love your spouse, you could have avoided a major portion of that 'guilt'. At the end of the day...please...feel free to judge me by the same standards that I judge others. Hope this answers your questions.
Terminator Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 It's one thing to be "bitter" (and often quite righfully so), it is another thing entirely to vent that bitterness on posters seeking support who have not a thing to do with YOUR situation. My 2 pence worth
Owl Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I would agree. I would also point out that I think a LOT of OW/OM confuse being direct with being bitter. I'm not bitter. With the exception of one or two who have offered personal insult, none of the OW/OM here on this site have ever done a single thing to me. I hold nothing against them. I do post bluntly and directly...but not bitterly.
SueBee3490 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 2. Yes, the MM/MW are obviously missing something. Whether or not that something missing is something in the marriage, or something within themselves is the real question here more than anything else. Often its not that something is lacking IN THE MARRIAGE...the lack is within the wayward spouse themselves. I agree with this observation that something is wrong within the person. I'm so tired of the excuse that they didn't get any at home. I loved my bf very much so I was very sexually attracted to him because of my love for him. So I don't want to hear that he wasn't getting any with me so that's why he cheated. If that was the case, he would have cheated on his first wife as she didn't want anything to do with him for 1 1/2 yrs! But he claims he didn't cheat. so I'd like an explanation as to why if he wasn't getting any from her, he didn't cheat (for 1 1/2 years no less). Whereas he and I were very sexually active but he cheated on me? It's because as I got to really know him after the cheating, he definitely has some problems within himself.
Al_Bundy Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Here's my take: "Judgemental" and "Bitter" are words that are bandied about on this site and sites like it as if they are rally bad things. Thats because the people that use them are involved in hurting them in the first place, they like to take that extra jab at them to cause further pain. It doesn't affect me when I consider the source. As far as being bitter, of course someone who has been through this will feel some bitterness. There seems to be an unrealistic expectation that we are all like Ghandi or Mother Theresa. There is nothing wrong wioth feeling bitter about what has been done to one in this situation. Eventually, it lessens and you move on. But, no average, normal person will expierience this and not feel bitter/ Bitter is the best they have to try to keep a BS down.
Al_Bundy Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 It's one thing to be "bitter" (and often quite righfully so), it is another thing entirely to vent that bitterness on posters seeking support Depends on the "support" they seek. Too many times that "support" comes in the form of wanting to hear that they can continue to hurt other people in their quest to get what they want. Anyone supporting that is out of their mind. who have not a thing to do with YOUR situation. True however, take this for example: Someone molests my kid. I'm going to want to thrash him(or her) within every inch of their life. Any parent would. Someone molests another child that isn't mine. None of my business right? Not my child afterall. Am I wrong to want to dispose of that scumbag as well?
Al_Bundy Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I agree with this observation that something is wrong within the person. I'm so tired of the excuse that they didn't get any at home. I loved my bf very much so I was very sexually attracted to him because of my love for him. So I don't want to hear that he wasn't getting any with me so that's why he cheated. If that was the case, he would have cheated on his first wife as she didn't want anything to do with him for 1 1/2 yrs! But he claims he didn't cheat. so I'd like an explanation as to why if he wasn't getting any from her, he didn't cheat (for 1 1/2 years no less). Whereas he and I were very sexually active but he cheated on me? It's because as I got to really know him after the cheating, he definitely has some problems within himself. Because, according to the cheater apologists here, it had to be something you did or didn't do. You had to push him to it somehow.
Terminator Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I think the lens of bitterness is subjective at best. I think a lot of OM/OW are bitter that the BS didn't just slink away and hand over their life. The ow in my case isn't the ow on here(at least I hope not again.), but if my not believe in lying to someone about the impact A have only families constutes bitterness, so be it. I'm sure you're right bent (your ow was on here? wow) and fwiw I don't believe I've ever seen you (or the Fluffy bird) post in bitterness.
Terminator Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Fluffy bird??? :) You're fluffy when your feathers get ruffled
Reggie Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I've been thinking a lot (dangeroous, I know) about this "bitter/judgemental" labeling thing.I do see these labels cast about a lot by some cheaters being called on their behavior. I see these labels used as a device to delfect scrutiny of the cheater's behavior. The old "best defense is an offense " thing. On being judgemental, again, I feel folks that look on this as a bad thing are misguided. I'm not talking about being vindictive or abusive or forever non-forgiving or condemning a person. But, one really cannot make his/her way through life without making judgements about behaviors. Just about every important decison one makes in life requires judgement, reliance on one's sense of what is right and wrong. Seems to me that I most frequently see the judgemental label cast by folks who are dealing with opposing views on their behaviors. Yet, often, when I see the cheater justifying their affair, I see him or her making a judgement him/herself re the character of the betrayed spouse or a judgement as to whether the marriage or BS is in some way deficient. Very hypocrtical, IMO, to object to being judged when you yourself admit to having done it. On the bitterness, folks have to realize that experts feel it takes between 2-5 years for a BS to rcover from the damage of infidleity. And, this period is usually extended in cases where there was no admission and continued gaslighting, no remorse and no effort from the WS to help the BS recover and heal. It's just not reasonable to expect a BS to have no bitterness. It sounds good, doesn't it: " get over it. don't let it consume you, etc." But, we place unrealistic expectations on a BS in this regard. Most experts I have read feel infidelity is the most severe form of emotional abuse. I've pointed to Harley's video on the marriagebuilders site where his research, where he interviewed vicims of both rape or loss of a child and infidelity, led him to the conclusion that the pain of being betrayed, for most. exceeds the pain from these other traumas. Folks need to be realistic as regards the expectation of little or no bitterness. It takes years for it to dissipate. And, even when it does, most folks are never quite the same in terms of willingness to be vulnerable, self confidence and esteem, trust. So(sorry this was so long-winded), I don't feel it's bad to be judgemental(again, not cruel etc) and I certainly think being somwhat bitter is very normal.
GPFan Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 1. Do you think the OM/OW plan to destroy another person's marriage?Not in every case but in the main, yes. An OW/OM who knows they are the other is attempting to acquire the person for themselves, i.e., destroy the marriage. Exceptions are OW/OM who are satisfied being the other or both are married and intend to remain married to their respective partners. 2. We as the MM/MW are obviously missing something and going elsewhere to seek, yes or no?I believe the answer to this is clear to everyone. Yes, they are seeking something and that something varies according to the individual. 3. We are all people, who at times make mistake, sometimes it cost us. Are we guilty for wanting to be love, married or not?The desire to be loved shouldn't produce guilt. It is action or lack of action taken to quench that desire which may produce either guilt or joy.
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