Sheebah Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 As I place my head down in the sand, I write hoping for some advice and not judgement. As stated in the title, I have been married for 2yrs and 3 months. The first few wks of my marriage, I received anonymous (who I later found out was my husbands ex wife) letters from someone who said that she were sleeping with my new husband. She said that he would eventually leave me and that my new husband couldnt stay away from her because she was a great screw unlike myself from what she heard from my new husband. The ltrs continued for at least a month. No return address and the ltr was typed. My husband at first said that he didnt know who it was and later thought it could be his ex. A month later he secretly meets up with her twice in a restaurant. They had a very bad breakup and alot of things were never discussed so supposedly my husband returns to discuss. If it was so innocent why wasn't I alerted to this? Anyways, I later found out that they never got closure. And, I later found out that his divorce really wasn't 3 yrs before we married. During the time that we were dating... He was still married and his divorce finalized just 8 months before we married. Hope all of this isn't confusing but its all true. So, 3 months after we married my husband supposedly snuck back to his old condo to visit his ex and to confront her about the ltrs. This all leads to sex. After this he starts hanging out with the boys more (so he said...), no more church on sunday for him and he stops picking up the phone when he is out. He and I start arguing and he starts drinking more and does things and says things to me yet he supposedly doesnt remember the next day. Arguing becomes unbearable. He starts accusing me of cheating, etc. From what I heard, this is what cheaters usually do... So, we decided we would go to counseling... Things got better and I thought we were working on things. I got preggo a yr later. He was a prince until my 7th month... Suddenly, everything I did was wrong. My emotions were high so I cried all of the time... Then thats when he said it... He said that he didnt really like being with me and he preferred to be somewhere else... A week later he went out around 7pm and didnt return until the next day around 1pm. Obviously, he was with someone but he says that he went to a club and it was open all night. "Yeah, OK". So, at 7 months preggo I asked him to leave. Its been almost a yr a he hasn't returned but in the last 3 months wants to come home. I found out that during the time we lived together he slept with his ex wife and 2 others and then during our separation he moved in with his ex and tried to rekindle during my pregnancy. His ex told him to go back home to me because she is a family oriented indivdual... Lol! So, she kicks him out. I do not know where he is living to this day and he drives a car that he will not allow me to see. I have accidentally opened the curtain and seen him drive by in this lexus jeep and he'll lie and say it wasnt him. OK, it wasn't an accident... I sensed something wasn't right so I peeked through the curtains and saw him... Since, I have moved I have seen the same car parked in my neighborhood. He again lies. I have even seen him get into the jeep. He says its a womans jeep but she is a friend of a friend... Yeah, OK. I am currently working. I can't afforrd childcare at the moment so my husband watches our child during the day and leaves when I return. I found out that my husband has taken my child to see his ex who lives just 10 minutes away from me. I was told that she lives in another state. I am so consumed with all of this mess that I cannot think straight. I have had bad thoughts about hurting him. Not killing him but hurting him. His ex has even sent me an emails telling me that my marriage is a fantasy. That the two will forever see each other no matter what and that I should tend to my kids... I have built up in me an anger that I cannot describe... I started working out again to release it. Pls, just give me advice. I know divorce is the answer its just I need him for abit. He gambled away our savings so I have nothing at the moment. And, yes his name is off of the acct. I need him to watch our child until I can save up. It hurts to see him daily and to know how he betrayed me, treated me like crap and still continues to lie to me but wants to work things out. BTW, he I later founf out he was cheating while we were counseling... He has subscribed to dating websites and his profiles states that he is divorced...I feel like such a fool. Such a fool... I know life goes on but man this hurts. Life always get the best revenge, I know this but its just doesn't appear that all this bothers him like it hurt me. He hasn't a clue regarding my hurt. Although he wants to come back, I cannot let him. I don't trust him and I have so much anger inside! Gotta buy a treadmill! Lol! I feel as if my marriage was a lie. My mind is consumed with questions... The more I ask the more I hurt... Yet I want to know.
LostHusband Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 That sounds awful - he sounds worse. I know it hurts now, it always does even in a bad marriage when the other leaves. But you'll soon look back in disbelief at how you are feeling now. Instead you will be relieved to be out of the relationship and feel alive and happy once more. Get out now - he's not worth it!
Konfuzion Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I didn't read the entire letter but it sounds like its time to kick his ass to the curb, if you do want to stay with him this will probably have him come running back to you with his tail between his legs. Here is a great book on this very subject Love Must be Tough I would highly recommend it.
Author Sheebah Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Have any of you divorced? Have you been cheated on? Am I the only one that feels like you want to get revenge but then you know its not worth it? Gotta think about my children. The only thing I did was smack him a few times and I have yelled at him for months. I feel like a broken record. I am tired and I feel so hurt. I feel like a sick joked has been played on me. I recall my husband telling me when I was preggo... "If you think I am sneaky... Just wait! You haven't seen anything yet!" He then cheated with 3 others after that yet tells me that I am the best and most loyal woman he has been with. His ex wife cheated with her ex in their marriage and in their bed. Thats why the divorced. My husband walked away and never returned......Until he marriead me. I feel like I was a rebound.
Author Sheebah Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 LH-Thanks, for your response. Konfuzion-I will check out the book. Will go on Amazon. Thanks.
Konfuzion Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Have any of you divorced? Yes Have you been cheated on? Yes Am I the only one that feels like you want to get revenge but then you know its not worth it? No The only thing I did was smack him a few times and I have yelled at him for months. I feel like a broken record. I am tired and I feel so hurt. I feel like a sick joked has been played on me. Get that book and you will see where your reaction isnt going to help you in this situation. I recall my husband telling me when I was preggo... "If you think I am sneaky... Just wait! You haven't seen anything yet!" He then cheated with 3 others after that yet tells me that I am the best and most loyal woman he has been with. His ex wife cheated with her ex in their marriage and in their bed. Thats why the divorced. My husband walked away and never returned......Until he marriead me. I feel like I was a rebound. Thats crappy, I would recommend just let things be for right now dont mention the cheating and live your day to day life. Get that book and make sure he doesnt see it, then read it asap and follow what it tells you to do in your situation. If you want to repair things it will help you or if you just want to be strong and move on it will help you. I am sorry you have to go through all of this. Best of luck to you and your children.
Author Sheebah Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Thanks, K. I will order the book on Monday from Amazon. Hopefully, there is a section regarding the thought pattern of those who have been cheated on. I am consumed with it. I have so many questions for him and may never get the truth. I don't understand how you can still love your wife but cheat? I at times have thought about my husband with the others and can see everything visually. It just makes me sick. I desire to have a clear mind.
Konfuzion Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Thanks, K. I will order the book on Monday from Amazon. Hopefully, there is a section regarding the thought pattern of those who have been cheated on. I am consumed with it. I have so many questions for him and may never get the truth. I don't understand how you can still love your wife but cheat? I at times have thought about my husband with the others and can see everything visually. It just makes me sick. I desire to have a clear mind. For many men the pursuit of a woman and the accomplishment of being with them sexually is an ego boost and in general that's the thought pattern, crappy as it may be. And yes a man can love a woman and have sex with another woman. Unfortunately for you only time will heal the wounds that you have. I can relate to visualizing your partner with another person and boy does that suck. The best advice I can give on this is to just realize that it is only your ego that is hurting, meaning your ego feels hurt because of a sense of not being good enough, or how could he do this to me, shes not better than me and so on. Put aside your feelings of self doubt and it will ease some of the pain. I hope this is helpful its hard for me to put the ego part of this into words. Oh and the book covers tons of stuff on cheating and the thoughts/reasoning behind it.
Author Sheebah Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Thats what he told me. He said that he has been with so many women that its not such much the individual but the ability to conquer. That is what turns him on... Uggh! After the first time he cheated... I will never understand that... He says that they all meant nothing. But shouldn't I see it as him willing to sacrifice our marriage for them especially his ex? When we were intimate, I kept thinking... Is this what he did to them. I could not finish... I know that I am attractive and have alot to offer. This e
Konfuzion Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Thats what he told me. He said that he has been with so many women that its not such much the individual but the ability to conquer. That is what turns him on... Uggh! After the first time he cheated... I will never understand that... He says that they all meant nothing. But shouldn't I see it as him willing to sacrifice our marriage for them especially his ex? When we were intimate, I kept thinking... Is this what he did to them. I could not finish... I know that I am attractive and have alot to offer. This e Its time for some tough love. Again best of luck to you. When you look to order that book I always go for the used ones, I got my copy for $2.95.
Baltimore Scorpio Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I have been in the same situation that you are in. My husband was out of my household for 20 months. During that time I still seemed to be taking care of him, he still used his access to the bank account and everytime I turned around he wanted to "borrow" something. The whole time he was living with the same women I kicked him out the house for messing with. You hang in there with him because despite what your head says your heart still has feeling for him and you keep trying to see the silver lining around those dark clouds, the whole time those thoughts of betrayal keep slipping back in to let you know not to fall for the same thing twice. I should be taking my own advice, my husband has returned but we are on a new leaf, where he knows that same bull that went on in the past will no longer occur and I have taken total control. In your situation get a divorce, or wait till he is worth something and use those letters to get a nice alimony settlement with your divorce. Don't keep putting yourself through the same hurt. Always know that the same way you got him you can get another man and show him that, never make yourself available to him again. Let see what he passed on and let him have all the regrets no you. Never feel that your marriage was a lie, it was probably done ill informed but live from the experience and let it build you and make you aware. Don't take any of that regret of frustration into the next relationship. And most of all remember that Karma always catches you might not be soon but it will get you later, so he will get his just desert. He is hanging around so much to exploit the feelings that he knows you still have so he can find an opening and try to reclaim what he lost. You never miss a good thing until it's gone. Good Luck
2sure Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Revenge. I totally get it. But you cant dish it out because you have a child with this man. You seem to know that you have no future with him. You have goals. Your child will help you keep focused on these goals. Believe me, he will get his. He will run out of women. He has nothing to offer. Don't fell like you are competing with OW, because thats not the problem here.
cashley Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 This is almost exactly what i have just somehow lived through and escaped. Get away, and reclaim your sanity and wellbeing, and life. Time flies, life is too short for this. You deserve better. Go find it. Im trying to cope, 5 months after leaving, and life is stress free, plus I have a second chance. Goodluck, it hurts but do it anyway!
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I just left a cheater. Been with him for almost 17 years. Have five kids with him and another on the way even. It took me so long to realize that no matter what i do or say....I WONT and CANT change someone. I can only change myself and find my own happiness. Yes it is hard. So hard. But its harder to stay and hope for the best because you know what? The best never comes. Take care of yourself and your child FIRST. HE has to WANT to change and do the work in doing so. He has problems that he has to deal with. Its a sick way to live playing these games. He will never be happy until he deals with them and gets help. Take care of yourself. Is it worth staying around for and what is your child going to see from all this?
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 As for the revenge thing. It doesnt make you feel any better. Maybe for like five seconds and dont turn into someone your not. You will come out stronger and with more dignity in the end. Something that he doesnt have. Maybe never will.
Author Sheebah Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Baltimore Scorpio-Ugh! I think it just may be my ego thats killing me, also. I am so embarrassed. I have called (in the past) numbers that were in his phone. My husband told me that I was making an ass out of my self by calling the woman. I found out that the women are all friends of this ex wife... Its like they were all playing a big joke on me. I snoop because he hides everything from me. How does one release the anger? This woman lives 15minutes away from me. My husband says that he is not living with her. I really want to go there and wait and see if he comes out... Uggh, that sounds bad. What have I become? No Glenn Close... He drove her car over to see the kids a few wks ago... I saw it in passing and went to go buy syrup to pour all over it... Chickened out and bought BBQ sauce which washed of easily with the car wash. Lol! No Glenn Close... Inside a voice kept asking me what was I doing? I just hate the lies and the mystery. As of last wk, he was still driving her car but says he lives with a male friend. OK, so you will drive from one home to her home to my home? Yeah, right. Gosh, I really got played by the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Seems like the more I snoop the more angry I become. Scorpio, how do you trust again? I don't know if I can do it? Do you have a hard time doing it? Thanks for the advice about not thinking that my marriage was a lie. You are right. I was the person who always believed that one shoud always have no regrets until I married... But out of this marriage, came beautiful children, trips to Maine, etc. Nice moments. This process really hurts. His ex told me to move on and take care of my kids and to not worry about the 2 of them. God that makes me angry!!!
Author Sheebah Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 2Sure-You are right! I must not get revenge... Children must always remain the focus.... I just can't shake that this was all done to me. I really tried to be a good wife... But he returns to a woman that treated him poorly instead of being with a good woman.
Author Sheebah Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Cashley-How did you end your situation? He's lost everything. He can't afford to pay for a divorce. My friends say that I shoudnt waste my money on him but I cant imagine just waiting for him to pay. We have been separated for 10 months now and I am just now telling people. I kept it a secret and lied due to embarrassment. Now, I dont care.
Author Sheebah Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Dazed& Confused-I sometimes sit thinking... Is this my life? A life of deception and lies. I am not happy. I love my babies and will make the best life for them but I am not happy with this man. He lies even to this day. I have hoped for the best but as days unfold and nothing changes... I feel like I am wasting my life. One minute, he wants to come home but can't tell me where he is living and can't leave his phone out around me... The next minute he tells me that he doesnt know if he can be monogamous...
Lady Bird Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Sheebah, sorry that you are going through so much pain. I wouldn't wait for him to come home or for him to get the divorce. The best gift you can give yourself is paying for the divorce, give yourself a sense of pride that you did it.
Author Sheebah Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 I know revenge is definately not the answer but it seems like all of this was so easy for him. Now I find out it was 6 women he slept with during our short marriage. He sleeps with them and me. Lives together with me and moves in with another woman (his ex) and tries to work it out with her while I am home preggo now he wants to come back to me after she kicks him out. Man, karma will be a mother for him. They say it takes 2 to tango. Guess I am at blame for ignoring my feelings.
Author Sheebah Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 I have noticed that when the kitchen gets too hot he has to move on to the next person. Wow, this is my husband I am talking about... Not even a boyfriend. Marriage is a seriously huge decision. Wow!
Recommended Posts