my bf is an ass

[Citizen Erased]

This guy is a cold bastard. Do you actually want to do something about this though?

[shadowplay]

Yeah, I do. I want to break up with him and I know I will eventually...it's just hard because I will feel really alone here without him. I know being alone is better than with someone who mistreats you, but sometimes that's still a hard pill to swallow. I'll do my best to break things off. I hope I'm strong enough to. I know my track record isn't good, but I just need to summon up some courage.

[Citizen Erased]

Yeah, I do. I want to break up with him and I know I will eventually...it's just hard because I will feel really alone here without him. I know being alone is better than with someone who mistreats you, but sometimes that's still a hard pill to swallow. I'll do my best to break things off. I hope I'm strong enough to.

 

Oh believe you me, I can't judge, I'm in the same spot at the moment. It's not fair, us women don't have balls.

[Isolde]

From what I remember, shadowplay, you weren't really that into your BF anyway. I recall you saying you weren't overly attracted to him. It's a no brainer...

[allina]

So? You guys have always had these dramatic ups and downs. Plus, he's just venting to a friend in a moment of frustration. I'm sure you've done the same and said things about him when you were annoyed/angry/hurt that you didn't mean once things were positive again.

[IrishCarBomb]

I will feel really alone here without him. I know being alone is better than with someone who mistreats you, but sometimes that's still a hard pill to swallow.

 

As long as you keep this mentality, he'll know he can get away with mistreating you. Also, as soon as you overcome this mentality, you'll realize that you are immersed in a world of opportunity right now. There's plenty of activities, friends, skills, and men you can find out there. Both you and your boyfriend sound too immature to develop a serious relationship, and neither of you is going to get anywhere until you move on. You may feel bad at first, but eventually you will see that ending your relationship with him was a smart move.

 

(FYI: I generally defend men on this forum, but unless your boyfriend is an unstable tool, there's no reason to write that email. And if he's an unstable tool? Well then you are dating an unstable tool and need to find one of us decent guys... yes we hide well, but we're out there.)

[pretty professional]

I am pretty sure he wanted you to read that email with the subject line "I hate my girlfriend." He even stated in the email that he wanted to forward it to you.

If all he can do is bash you, then I think you should really let it go. This is not someone who loves you. I agree with GP -he is attracted to you but doesn't have any true feelings for you. Someone with true feelings dowsn't write an email like that.

I would not contact him at all and not return any efforts of him to contact you. Just see what he does. Do it and see how long it even takes him to contact you. He deserves the silent treatment and the wondering. Then break up with him without even telling him, do the fade out. He deserves it.

[Nevermind]

He doesn't love you. You don't love him. If you have any interest in finding true love, you will have to let him go, let yourself go. Have you ever thought that maybe you are using him as a security wall between life and yourself? For as long as you are with him, most of your unhappiness can be blamed on the relationship.

 

Remember: You were a person before you met him. You were living a life that had nothing to do with him. You do not depend on him as much as you think.

[Siciliana]

Dump him like a bad habit

[Walk]

Well Shadow, what did you think would happen with this relationship? He's shown he'll jump from completely insane, hurtful, spiteful, a-hole to lovely dovery bf every few weeks in the past. Why did you think it would be different this time? What really changed other then the location of your relationship that would alter the dynamics of it?

 

This is who he is, and it's not going to change.

 

Also, if you're waiting to make new friends before getting out of the relationship then you should knock that silly thought out of your head. You don't have the motivating force strong enough to push you to really find new friends right now. You don't have the motivational force to push you to leave the relationship. You're just treading water, hoping the tide will carry you one way or the other. Problem is, that tide will carry you in the direction you won't be happy with. You've stated in other threads that finding new friends isn't a priority for you. You haven't taken very much initiative to make new friends (from what you posted) and if those efforts get derailed for whatever reason (art trip) then you don't find other ways to make those connections with other people. You take your blows from your bf, accept the negativity, because it's easier to do then to take control of your life. Add in the fact that you're scared of failing. So if you did take control and things didn't go as well as you want them too, then you would feel like a failure.

 

But beyond that. If your bf was all that concerned with you seeing the email then he wouldn't have left his email open. He sure as hell wouldn't have titled it "I hate my gf". He would've put some bland title on it that wouldn't arouse suspicion. What's even better, is instead of talking to you about the things that were upsetting him, he spouts off to some other woman about your problems. Instead of discussing ways you two could comprimise and make a better relationship, he acts like a little kid who had his tonka truck taken away and rats the other kid out to the teacher. "She didn't go dancing with me... waaa waaaa" If ball room dancing was that important to him, then why couldn't he come to you and work out a day where both of you could go to it? He'd rather just point fingers and blame you as the reason he's unhappy. Truth of the matter is, I think HE is the selfish, needy little b-tard in this relationship. Where the heck is the communication? Where is the comprimise? Where do you two work together to support each other emotionally? Seems like your bf wants you to read his mind and then blows a fit when you don't go along with what he wants.

 

And after all this, him ranting and raving at you after his vacation with another woman, after all the crap he's pulled on you... you still want to wait it out til something pushes you strongly enough one direction or the other....

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Well said, Walk! I especially like the tonka truck analogy.

 

So Shadow, what's if gonna be? Are you going to start living your life, or what? So you're afraid of failure. So aren't we all. It's time to take some action. Break if off, make a sincere, persistant effort to make some new friends, and come to LS to vent about your frustrations. We'll be here, cheering you on.

 

It's time for a new thread in your life.

[shadowplay]

OK guys. I'm going to do the "fade out." I guess I've been reluctant to be like "yeah, I'll dump him." Because right now I want to but I fear that I'll cave later and then look like a fool or nobody will believe me that I'm determined to given my track record. But I did let him know how I feel last night, and will try the fade out from there... That means no contact for the foreseeable future except the kind I can't avoid -- seeing him in class, etc.

[Vertex]

Walk beat me to the punch... I'd strongly suggest reading that post very slowly and carefully, as I think it's extremely accurate and relevant.

 

 

 

I understand what it feels like to fear being alone. When a relationship has good moments, you hope that momentum will continue onward -- the chance at having those good moments seems more worthwhile than being alone. The problem is that the communication and compromise is nonexistent. Instead of talking to you, he's content with pointing the fingers at you, blaming you for his boredom. He doesn't care if you spent a lot of energy studying. He only cares about whether or not his needs are met, and sees no reason to compromise. Like Walk said... if the dancing were that big of a concern to him, he'd work with you to find another date. Furthermore, I don't know what this whole "vacation" bit is about, but it sounds like he basically jetted off with another woman? Again, it sounds like he only cares about his own needs.

 

Scarily enough, in your boyfriend, I see my ex-girlfriend. She would trash-talk to everyone about me (but never compliment me directly, or to others if things were going well), never act concerned about my needs, get upset at me for not meeting her needs, and never communicate. And yet, I stayed with her because I was afraid to be alone. And, like you, I always second-guessed myself ("Well what if this is normal/justified in this situation?"), as you are second-guessing yourself by wondering whether or not it's normal for him to "vent" to others.

 

The truth of the matter is that this isn't normal or healthy. He's acting very immature and spoiled. Instead of working with you, he just gets upset every time you aren't bending to his will, and will try to blame you repeatedly until you break and cater to his needs.

 

I know you understand all this, but I also understand that execution is difficult. It's very hard to break it off with someone when you're afraid of taking direct control/being single. But, I can tell you from very recent experience, that being single is loads better than being in a bad relationship. I was in a bad relationship like yours for over 2 years, and I was constantly holding out for some sort of natural improvement that was obviously never going to come. It may seem hard and counterintuitive when you're IN the relationship, but it will feel much more clear when you're out of it. You need the faith and strength to be able to stand up for yourself. You deserve someone who isn't going to talk about you so badly behind your back, and you deserve someone who actually cares about YOU and your needs as opposed to what you can do for him.

[Green]

You should screw some guy you met on the internet... that would show em... Hey i'm some guy on the internet

[Walk]

OK guys. I'm going to do the "fade out." I guess I've been reluctant to be like "yeah, I'll dump him." Because right now I want to but I fear that I'll cave later and then look like a fool or nobody will believe me that I'm determined to given my track record. But I did let him know how I feel last night, and will try the fade out from there... That means no contact for the foreseeable future except the kind I can't avoid -- seeing him in class, etc.

 

Its not easy to make changes to get your life. If you flop a few times, just pick yourself up and start walking in the direction you want to go in again. If you keep getting back up, then you will eventually get where you want to go.

 

What I'm saying is, I wouldn't think you're a fool or think badly of you unless you completely give up trying to make your life better. You haven't stopped trying, and you won't.

[Green]

Oh believe you me, I can't judge, I'm in the same spot at the moment. It's not fair, us women don't have balls.

 

you should come hook up with me to I have some nice hairy balls waiting for u

[shadowplay]

Its not easy to make changes to get your life. If you flop a few times, just pick yourself up and start walking in the direction you want to go in again. If you keep getting back up, then you will eventually get where you want to go.

 

What I'm saying is, I wouldn't think you're a fool or think badly of you unless you completely give up trying to make your life better. You haven't stopped trying, and you won't.

 

Thank you, that's sweet.

[shadowplay]

I'm getting pangs.

 

It's only been like two days since I've seen him and I'm in major withdrawal. Every time I lose him or think I've lost him I suddenly get reminded of how much I love him. It sucks. I just wish this was easy. It was so much easier to break it off with guys whom I didn't care about.

 

And most of the time I'll be OK, but then I'll get this sudden sharp pain, like I desperately miss and need him.

 

Earlier today I was helping my mother babysit her friend's baby and it reminded me of his baby pictures and what he was like as a baby. How innocent he was and how his mother totally tarnished him for life. And how he cried when he told me about his first memory. It just made me want to hold him and take care of him.

 

I just hope that one day I wake up and don't need or love him anymore.

[pretty professional]

Do you have any friends who can hook you up with a hot guy so that you're being seen around campus and town with this hot guy? Or do you know a hot guy who will be willing to play your new "hang out" man around campus?

 

If your boyfriend finds out you're moving on.....with a hot new guy, he'll be calling and begging you back. This technique with the fade-out will work wonders for you, if he's really worth getting back.

[MrMe]

At the risk of sounding horrible (keep in mind, im new to this site, and i dont know anything about the relationship dynamics of the two people involved)...

 

I dont necessarily think this is as bad as it looks. A lot of times people just need to vent their frustrations to others that they cannot (or will not) vent with you. Usually by the time they finally vent, there is so much raw emotion involved that they may say things that they honestly do not mean in order to relieve this built-up emotion and make themselves feel better.

 

I can see why he is angry at you for snooping. Firstly, you snooped, so you kinda betrayed his trust (though he should have been careful to close the email). Secondly, though he claims he wanted to forward the message to you, I find it hard to believe that he really wanted you to see any of it.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, if this type of situation is not uncommon, then by all means, move on.

[MrMe]

Do you have any friends who can hook you up with a hot guy so that you're being seen around campus and town with this hot guy? Or do you know a hot guy who will be willing to play your new "hang out" man around campus?

 

If your boyfriend finds out you're moving on.....with a hot new guy, he'll be calling and begging you back. This technique with the fade-out will work wonders for you, if he's really worth getting back.

 

Or maybe not.

 

This playing on men's emotions (specifically jealousy) often does more harm than good.

 

When my ex would do that to me, I sometimes found it more annoying/angering than anything (maybe 'anger' is too strong a word, more irritating). It pushed me away more than the opposite. I felt like she was rubbing it in my face, to humiliate me. And it honestly hurt. A lot.

[Kamille]

I support your decision to break up and don't think you need to play games and make your ex jealous to have him begging.

 

This likely won't be much comfort, but today I longed for my ex. A pang as you call it.

 

I almost wrote him to tell him I miss him. I was remembering how well we got along - how much I loved spending evenings with him, cooking, chatting, watching movies.

 

But then the thought of writing to him - of being back with him reminded me of all the things that did not work with the relationship: the condescension, the fact that everything revolved around sex for him, the cigarettes and the alcohol.

 

Hopefully you'll manage to rid out the storm SP.

[pretty professional]

Nope, it would work with this guy. And I fully believe he intended for her to see it, leaving the subjectline to the email out there. She wasn't snooping. HE LEFT HIS EMAIL OPEN, WITH THE SUBJECTLINE "I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND" OPEN ON HER COMPUTER. IT DOESN'T GET MORE APPARENT THAT HE WANTED HER TO SEE HIS AWFUL EMAIL. IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND LEFT AN EMAIL ON YOUR COMPUTER WHICH READ MY BOYFRIEND'S AN *******, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU WOULDN'T OPEN IT AND THAT SHE DIDN'T INTEND FOR YOU TO READ IT? GIVE ME A BREAK! THAT IS NOT SNOOPING, THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR COMPUTER.

 

Or maybe not.

 

This playing on men's emotions (specifically jealousy) often does more harm than good.

 

When my ex would do that to me, I sometimes found it more annoying/angering than anything (maybe 'anger' is too strong a word, more irritating). It pushed me away more than the opposite. I felt like she was rubbing it in my face, to humiliate me. And it honestly hurt. A lot.

[GPFan]

It's only been like two days since I've seen him and I'm in major withdrawal. Every time I lose him or think I've lost him I suddenly get reminded of how much I love him. It sucks. I just wish this was easy. It was so much easier to break it off with guys whom I didn't care about.

That's what occurs in break ups, the pain of missing the person. Breaking up is often difficult even if you were the one who initiated it.

 

There are forums here that offer support in coping with a break up, perhaps you would benefit from making use this resource.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Shadow, you don't love this guy--you are just completely dependent on him. Is your self-esteem really that low? Do you really not realize how much better you can do? Please don't continue this stupid relationship so you have to keep writing these stupid threads.