Vetgirl88 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I've known this guy for about a year. We dated once briefly. He said that he didn't know what he wanted and didn't want to hurt me. So, we decided to just be friends. We remained close friends, but still both had that undertone of having feelings for the other person. We would stay up extremely late just talking to each other (into the very early hours of the morning) and talk on the phone at least once a day for about an hour. I don't chase him. I don't call him; he calls me. I don't ask him to do things; he asks me to do things. And, he's very protective of me. So, I think that he truly does like me as more than a friend. Recently, things built up again, and we talked about our feelings for the other person. We decided to attempt dating again, but he also told me that he just freaks out when he gets close to a relationship, even though he claims that he wants one. Now, it seems like the same thing is happening again. We start dating, and everything is great for a little while, and then he starts getting very distant. Then, because he is acting odd, I start acting odd and distancing myself from him. I just don't understand what the problem is. We're great friends. We find the same things funny, enjoy the same activities, and have the same interests. We enjoy the other person's company and are attracted to each other, but the moment we try to turn it into something more than a friendship, he starts acting wierd. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want to be in one with me. And, I feel like he's known me long enough that he should know how he feels about me and what he wants from me. Has anyone else experienced anything like this before? Is there anything to this freaking out? Or does it mean that he just doesn't like me enough, and I should cut ties and move on?
Geishawhelk Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 It's very simple. he is commitment phobic. This vicious circle will continue if (a) he does not get counselling and (b) you keep coming and going, to and fro, back and forth, upsy-daisy, in and out, teeter-totter.... You feed his insecurity by doing what he wants. Coming on strong, then backing off.... So you also need to decide whether he's worth the effort - and he has to decide whether he wants to make one.
Kamille Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 How old is he? What's his relationship past? His parent's relationship? His career goal? Anything that might explain why he isn't ready to make a commitment or doesn't know how to let himself go in a relationship?
Author Vetgirl88 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 How old is he? What's his relationship past? His parent's relationship? His career goal? Anything that might explain why he isn't ready to make a commitment or doesn't know how to let himself go in a relationship? He is 25 and his parents are still married to each other. He has had one serious girlfriend who broke up with him. Although, from the story that he's told me, even with her he was indecisive. He broke up with her and then decided he wanted her back and then she decided to walk away from the relationship. And, he was very upset about it. The only other girl I've heard about was one that he dated for a few months. He said he wanted a relationship with her, but she was ending it with him at the time that he made that decision. We're both in medical school together. A few years away from graduating.
Lucky555 Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I'm kinda like the guy except i am a girl. When anyone who wants to get romantically involved with me..i need to pace it. I seriously start getting really worried and its almost like an intense fear of getting close the other person. I protect everything around me, family, friends, and i may not even let the guy in till i know his intentions are good. After i let them into that aspect of my life i still deal with the whole closeness factor. The thing that helped me was just day by day kind of thing. Don't rush things. Just be yourself but don't start talking about other guys and flirting in front of him. I suppose its just being ultra sensitive to these things. As soon as i know the guy is attracted to another girl i then say how can i do this, how can i get closer to a guy that doesn't value me and think i am the real deal. Suggestions: Tell him you two take it one day at a time. Tell him no rush...no rush means don't start talking about kids or marriage. Tell him you love spending time with him...you can flatter him alot build his confidence with you. works really well because you validate him. Once you reach a certain level he is going to open up like a book. You just have to inspire him to see you as that person who he can TRUST, be comfortable with, and he will fall madly in love with you. But, remember hes very sensitive emotionally so try not to hurt him..especially his ego. I'm not saying walk on egg shells but you just have to be a tad more cautious of what you normally do because what you do..he sees. Don't do anything you don't want him to do to you. No this intense fear that i felt was with a person who i really was attracted to. Initially it was all casual till i actually fell for him and then thats when i freaked.However, it ended because he was not the guy he said he was and when i do let people get close to me thats what i fear..its them leaving. So im sure he likes u a lot for him to have this fear. Its good and bad as u probably have experienced. if you don't mind taking the time to love him and give him space too. Space is a big thing. If you rush in like a line back he will run the other way. Take it easy approach him gently. hope that helps
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